It’s Sunday and time to do some plotting and scheming. My sessions with Jim Schorche are having their effect, although not like a brass band on parade. It is subtle, my attitude towards me, my picture of me, and my concept of how others may see me are all changing, evolving into something else. It seems that being impressive is no longer an issue.
Jim’s suggestions about being able to see what is desired have been problematical; I haven’t been able to articulate them until now. The visual that is coming clear to me is one of Master rising from his pallet, yawning and stretching. He looks about, in his radiant beauty, and sees the rank and file of personae looking at him wiht receptive attention. Those that were fooling around with each other, inattentive, and distracted are paying attention as well. This is the sign for which he has been looking. Now he can get on with what he wants to do with this lifetime. He knows that there is less span of lifetime available but likewise he knows that there is enough to accomplish much. He also knows that he has as many lifetimes as it takes to develop into the eternal being that he seeks to become. So, now he can get on with it.
Having this visualization is as important an accomplishment as there has ever been. Master can now direct the activities of the being instead of some personae interfering with his plans. It isn’t important to recognize, name, or identify the distracted personae, only to recognize that they do and will exist. Like the teacher in front of the class, this visualization calls them out of their self interested actions to attention to get the assignment coming down. This is another way of saying that it isn’t important to know the genesis of non-cooperative personae; they can be dealt with by reminding all that our fundamental purpose is to support the development of Master.
It remains to be seen if Master will share his vision of into what he wants to develop. It could be that he has only a vague idea of what that may be and is feeling his way along as well. Master is mute, or at least he remains remote. We, the combined group of personae and brain-body, continue to work to understand where he wants to go, at least whenever we’re not satisfying our own appetites.
"It seems that being impressive is no longer an issue." This, on the surface, is a simple statement but when one realizes all of what I did to impress, one can see that not doing so will mean a great deal to me. The efforts are/were mostly wasted because what others’ opinion of me is based on more than what I say and do; and I have no control over it and my opinion of me seems now to have changed to be more realistic.
While I won’t go so far as to say that everything I said and did was to impress, much of it was. Then there was another in me who would not talk about the daring deeds unless prodded to do so, which rarely happened. I think back over my endeavors and see that they all began as a quest for fun and accomplishment but in almost every case playing to the grandstand began to take over and the mutual satisfaction of doing for the sake of doing and for the sake of impressing was the reward.
The one I am/was trying to impress turns out to be me; that’s why talking about the deeds didn’t make much difference. I was busy proving to me that I was a superior human being and I was quite serious about it. A lot of this goes back to the Rolla experience. That was so emotionally damaging to me, I recognized it a long time ago, and only now am I coming to reconcile the whole experience. Until now it, and minor failures along the way, have evoked an emotional response. The Rolla experience was like being convicted of a crime, serving the time, and then trying to prove to the world/me that I am better than that; even after rationalizing it over and over again. This is still the case to some extent with my endeavors, but now that I recognize this motive it is easier to get past it and perform simply for enjoyment and the satisfaction of doing something well.
Another argument that I was only trying to impress me is my reluctance to talk about my deeds; doing so would open them to scrutiny and in my heart I knew that they weren't that big a deal; I did whatever and that was enough for me. An objective 3rd party may argue that what I did was trivial, that it didn’t deserve accolades, and that it was more of a “so-what?” than worthy of applause. And yet to me it was a mountain top experience that I didn’t want anyone taking away.
The end result of all of this is a realization that this lifetime has turned out to be mediocre. Here sits a well-equipped being that had all the capability of anyone else but only played support roles, never the star of a major show, in this lifetime and perhaps prior lifetimes as well. In all fairness he excellently executed /performed the roles he played.
It begs the question, why not a star? The answer lies not in the qualities of this physical brain-body because it has all the necessary to accomplish anything that Master may want. The being has experiences, personae are created and they have a definite effect on what the being does/doesn’t do. In this case it is/was a group of personae with high emotional content created to deal with perceived inferiority and fear of being seen as same by others. In this case the personae created to cope with the failure were problematical and Master said ok this isn’t going to work out too well until the situation is resolved; I’ll just wait. Master is patient; he knows all of this and works with it as best he can because he has an eternity to do so.
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