The issues of self-doubt and the need for approval have been on my mind all week. Just thinking about it/them doesn’t get me anywhere, only writing it out like this allows me to put some structure to it. It is interesting to note that whenever I get an idea in mind, such as this self-doubt, it quickly gets dissolved by examples of when this same thing was overcome, when it wasn’t an issue, when I went ahead and did whatever without being concerned about it. Same for approval/ disapproval, there have been so many courses of action taken where it didn’t make a bit of difference if there was approval or not.
It would serve little or no purpose to list them because any such list would suddenly get long, boring, and be full of omissions. But just entertaining thoughts of the many examples leads me to laugh at the idea that I am plagued by these issues. Now that I am fully aware of my experiences, I am amazed that I would ever think that self-doubt and approval/disapproval were thought to be issues with me.
What led me to think they were? Since August 15 there has been a great deal of uncertainty about the future, more than I normally experience. It is as if I was dropped off at the mall and told to go buy s.t. but don’t have a clue as to what. There have been other times like these and I’ve already gone into that in previous sessions. Only this time there is a sense of mortality that is giving me pause for thought. I know that I this body won’t live forever, so I am concerned about what to do with remaining lifetime. I take solace in the concept of Being.
If a decision had to be made right now, I would say I’m going ahead as I have been. My experience has been to do whatever, if it is s.t. that suits me I continue, if not; I don’t. Ambition fueled by imagination has always given way to ambition fueled by experience where incremental improvements, almost imperceptible at the time, have accumulated to suddenly be significant. Almost like the shifting sandbars in the Mississippi around St. Louis; they form islands that have a permanency only affected by giant floods.
I started riding again and it has now blossomed into twice per week. It won’t be long until I have a horse or two, if it all works out the way it usually does. There are those with horses who can’t wait to get rid of them; sort of like boats. The happiest days are said to be the day you get one and the day you get rid of it. The difference with a horse is it is an animal, albeit one who rarely returns affection. This could be what I like about them. Sentimentalism is not one of their strong suits and I can do without it.
Then there are the rest of my endeavors, those things that I chose to chase, to spend my time doing. There is time for all of them and then some. IOW I have time available for pursuing all of them and will continue. The training/performing endeavor is one that emerges with the greatest allure. I’ve been doing it for a long, long time and I’ve embarked on a study of acting in theater. And I realize that success is in the eye of the beholder, just like French, golf, pool, riding, sketching, and writing. The possibility of being recognized publicly is always there but not s.t. to be set as a goal; there doesn’t seem to be much of a desire for it.
What will be will be; which is another way of saying that when Master has a desired path; the personae are able to recognize it and carry it out using the tools of the brain-body to give them physical expression. And there is another factor in the mix; there seems to be a connection among beings that we see as inspiration, good fortune, and beneficial circumstances. Some refer to it as a universal mind. I am somewhat skeptical about it only because it almost too good to be true but my personal experiences bear out the existence of same. I keep rationalizing it as being the result of previous experiences in this lifetime, or perhaps a former and this would explain many instances but there are some that are so big that I can’t rationalize them. I see it happen to others as well, I mean things that couldn’t just be serendipity.
The one thing that all the fortunate occurrences have in common is an intention. All were consistent with an intended path/ desired course of action. None of them were like winning the lottery; IOW, the College didn’t come to me and say we’ve decided that you should come here and get your MBA. And this is the ingredient that if forming at the moment, the major purpose and it is stage acting. Now I’ve said it, this is what it is at least for now. All of my performances of the past, the present, and the future support this goal and it is exactly parallel to my pool playing endeavor.
I played pool casually for a long time, getting more and more serious about it until now I’ve joined the APA, play on a team in a league, study, practice, and compete. I am a skill level 3 of possible 7, and I play at that level and it doesn’t deter me. There has been gradual improvement, augmented by breakthrough experiences, and finally I'll achieve a command of the game that will push me to higher skill levels. It will take time and continuous study, practice, play, and competition.
So here I am, I’ve said the obvious, I am making the commitment, and going forward on the same path on which I have been. It started with Creative Writing class, Playwriting Class, then Acting I, Romeo and Juliet, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, and now Zadig, Ou la Destinee.
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