Jim Schorche said to think about what I would like life to be like in six months, that would be April, 2010. It would have something to do with participating proactively in life.
Ok, what’s wrong with this picture? Here it is Sunday, the sky is bright blue, not a cloud, the temperature is 57 degrees, a bit cool, and I am sitting here in the windowless cave listening to Beethoven and doing my plotting and scheming for the week ahead.
There’s a golf course out there with my name on its membership list, there are horses out there nibbling on grass in pasture, there are people at church, lunch, or community places talking and having a good time interacting; and I am sitting here in the windowless cave doing my plotting and scheming for the week.
There are people out there without company, as I am here. There are opportunities galore for activities, relationships, friendships, and simply acquaintance; and I am sitting here in the windowless cave doing my plotting and scheming for the week ahead.
If one can’t answer the question on the first line, he is clueless. I am not clueless in seeing what’s wrong with it; I am, however, clueless in understanding what to do about it and how to go about it.
An objective observer, and I’ll take a stab at it although I know I’m not qualified, would say that here is a man who has an emotional problem. I say that with consideration because if one agrees that all motivation is caused by personae that are able to tap into six sources/wells, then one can see by observing this being that emotional motivation is somehow warped, i.e. unable to produce the kind of action/results that are desired.
This same observer would itemize and analyze the status of the being according to the sources as follows: emotionally he is below par; intellectually he is above par; moving he is at par or slightly above; socially he is reactionary v. proactive; sexually he is almost dead; instinctively he is above par.
It is also important to recognize the relative strength of these sources. The stronger displace the weaker in situations. There are personae who are primarily one source or another, although all personae have content from all the sources, and those that are primarily stronger displace weaker. It is a matter of survival in some cases and always a matter of coping with circumstances. The strongest source is Instinctive, then Sexual, then Emotional, then Social, then Intellectual and finally Moving.
Take a situation where the safety of the being is in doubt; no matter what else is happening a persona with high Instinctive content will take over and act, and so on through all the sources. Intellectual is second only to Moving in weakness and this is precisely why a movement can be interrupted by thoughts. Often we hear the advice, don’t think during a golf swing yet this interruption by a persona of high intellectual content is often the cause of poor performance.
There are situations where personae of higher emotional content cause problems in achieving desired results usually, almost always, where other people are involved. These personae are irrational in their reluctance to act, yet they are strong enough to prevent the being from achieving desired results. The higher intellectual personae can figure it out, the moving can get him to the location, the others are quiet because they aren’t stimulated but something stimulates those with higher emotional content and it can only be categorized as fear.
Fear is a broad emotional category; one must ask, “Fear of what?” When personae of high instinctive center content perceive danger to the safety of the being, they pull out all the stops and take over. When personae of high emotional content perceive a danger to feelings of the being they tend to take over and redirect the actions/reactions to others.
Now one has to ask, “What feelings?” One set of feelings may involve recalling previous experiences of hurt and a desire to avoid repeating it. The hurt was probably caused by what was said or done by others; being shunned; i.e. judged as inferior, undesirable, or unworthy. There is probably a long list of such experiences and not one single, although picking one and analyzing it may be of some value.
There is a life progression from first memory on that allowed this to become a problem area. The neighborhood around the house had enough playmates to satisfy early needs for socialization. There are no memories of incidents that would have caused such personae to be created.
Then there was adolescence. Here I am looking for possible causes, and some could have come from this period. I made some choices that were not acceptable to parents and some others who felt they had some say in what I would do. I came to feel that I my judgment was not good, that I made poor decisions. And indeed I did; even until now I see that I am capable of making poor choices of what to do or not do. Memories of the pain caused by the poor choices causes me to feel a self-doubt.
A second set of memories has to do with McBride HS and the social structure there. I was a follower because I didn’t have a clear objective in mind and, therefore, didn’t excel in anything. I did some things that were grade B, good, but nothing exceptional. Yet even with this handicap I was elected to the Student Court and served well enough to get words of praise from one of the faculty. Furthermore I got the impression that my home circumstances were somehow subpar; things were not as good as I thought they were; so this increased the self-doubt and, furthermore, caused me to feel inferior.
Then the big one, Rolla; this became the hermetically sealed glass case in which self-doubt, inferiority, and failure are kept. What followed was a lifetime, from 1958 to present of overcoming the feeling that somehow others look upon me as a failure. Being laid off from Tenneco wasn’t a big deal but the job search which followed did much to reinforce the aspect of being seen as a failure in the eyes of others. The Executrain experience and the years following it have likewise reinforced these feelings.
I am a reasonable, rational person and take issue with these feelings. “Emotional responses are irrational,” but it is difficult to deal with irrationality. There is the rational response model but it exists in those personae that have higher intellectual source content without affecting those with higher emotional content. This is why making the response at the exact moment of the experience is so important; unanswered emotional responses seem to get set in place and are harder to move aside as time goes on. They are like cement, they have some time before they become set where they can be hosed off; but once set, with memory being the aggregate, the strength of the block gets stronger. The only way to get rid of concrete is with destructive forces greater than the binding forces.
Maybe it isn’t that bad. Maybe one can change his perceptions without drastic psychological intervention. I don’t know. It is easy to deal with it on other levels but not emotionally. The memories are set. I need some help here.
An interesting strategy that I employ is to get involved in new activities, where failure is not immediately an issue. If I’m not supposed to be good at s.t. it is okay not to be plus people think I can be so I get a lot of attention while learning. If I am supposed to be good at s.t., then when I’m not, I am a failure. By never staying involved to the point of being required to be good or starting over again and again, I avoid the scepter of failure.
So, now that I have restated from whence they came, how can I eliminate the fear of making a poor choice, of being viewed as inferior, and being seen as a failure? One way may be to envision a state of consciousness that says I can trust my decisions, that I am unique, and that life is a funny game that I must play; sometimes I’ll win, sometimes I’ll lose, and sometimes it will rain; and that there will always be some people at the ball park who may talk about my performance.
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