Midway

It is another of the pleasant days we have been having, so I am enjoying the fresh air. We are also in mid-July and past the halfway point for the year. Am I satisfied with the way things are? This is a complicated question; how best to answer?

One way would be to do a TOMA of the status of various facets and endeavors. Another would be to review relationships; a third would be to look at finances and an objective look at assets, expenses, and income. A fourth would be a detailed evaluation of all Planning Categories, Life Categories, Endeavors, and Traits. Of all of these I think the TOMA and Relationships are/will be the most fruitful plus an exam of self—well no, because that will come out with the relationships.

So where am I? In a word I am developing on several fronts. My days/ nights/weekends have been soaked up with care for Mom; I mean totally since she fell June 23rd. I am not going to dwell on what I am not doing as a result of that. It is temporary because I am now fairly certain that she is going to be ok again. It may take several weeks but she is going to make it. It was dicey until now. It is, however, important to add some constructive personal activities back into my schedule.

Of all my Endeavors, those that call for relating to others are the least satisfactory. There just doesn’t seem to be anyone who cares about me; conversely there doesn’t seem to be anyone about whom I care. I think this is the nut of it. I am so soaked up with care for mom that I have no unmet need for caring for anyone else. I seem to be satisfied to remain in isolation or maybe not because here I am writing about my dissatisfaction.

When I don’t have a reason to contact s.o., I don’t. My need to contact is often to get s.t. for which I must pay. So if I feel that I don’t have the money, I don’t make the contact. I have been bemoaning this situation for a long time. Others call me when they need s.t. If they don’t see me having what they need they don’t make the call. Apparently no one sees me having what they need because no one calls. I may as well be a tree.

OTOH, I don’t need anything from anyone else or I would be calling them. This is where I took the cue from Bob Holous; when he called and said what he did. It is a thing that churches provide, i.e. social contact. Only the problem for me is hypocrisy. I can’t sit there and listen to all that crap just for the sake of being part of a congregation. IOW to be there and not subscribe is not for me. So the mainstream of interpersonal relationships is passing, with me in a backwater. People generally belong to several organizations that fulfill their social needs. I belong to some but I’m not meeting my social needs. I may be in denial; telling myself that I don’t have any.

I am suspicious of others, guarded in what I say, or at least sensitive to having said s.t. that didn’t set well. People form opinions of others based on what is said and observed. I am one who tries to guide that process even though I know it can’t be guided; then with this realization, I pull back because I feel that the opinion is negative and I am usually right. Even though others are much more so, you insert the negative, I come away feeling that their opinion of me is bad, or that I am somehow disapproved, seen as insignificant, or one with whom they would rather not associate; but then what I am seeing may be G’s mirror. IOW they see that in me and return the sentiment.

Far from perfect, I feel that I am judged as imperfect and shunned; when all the time those shunning me are even more imperfect than I. So where does all of this leave me? Alone and apparently satisfied to be so, even though I say I’m not happy this way.

Also there are those I would have love me but they don’t; worse they hate me. These are the subject of shenpas and I have been relatively successful in repressing these feelings even though they are obviously still there.

I have to ask what role jealousy plays in my relationships or lack thereof? In answering this I can only speak for me and say that jealousy plays a role in my sentiments towards some others. There is also disdain, suspicion, and a desire for vengeance. All of these are terribly destructive. In writing these words I am lifting the rock to see the uncovered crawly things scurrying.

Repression is not the answer. It is like replacing the rock and letting the critters go on multiplying in the darkness. Allow the light of day to dry the dampness and let the higher forms of life get started and grow is the answer; replacing, versus repressing, the negative emotions with positive is the answer. So where there is jealousy let there be admiration, disdain—acceptance, suspicion—trust, and vengeance—forgiveness; and over-all love must replace hatred.

While this may sound Pollyannaish it is not. It is the difference between isolation and participation. I can hear some internal reactions and am able to see through them to the wisdom that has come to me here. Often the most effective solution is the one that sounds trite because it has been discovered by many and often rediscovered in the course of one’s lifetime; like hearing a Great Courses series of lectures a second time is ok; often the thoughts are reinforced as a result.

And so; I think I’ve answered my question.