Endings

Mom is failing. She sleeps about 20 hours a day for the past several and she is comfortable but completely worn out. She eats willingly but barely enough to stay alive. We have taken to feeding her as we would an invalid and when she feels she’s had enough she refuses more. We make her move her body around, move her arms, hold her own cup, put on her glasses, put her teeth into her mouth, scoot and adjust herself in the chair, take a few assisted steps to position her in front of a chair or bed; and this is the only exercise/movement she has all day. I don’t expect her to make it through the month.

OTOH she could recover and live another several years. Somehow I just don’t think so but then one never knows. I didn’t think she would live this long. When I recall all the times I left their house or apartment with a big lump in my throat, only to have them be fine—for years.

So, tomorrow I’m going to call Barbara and tell her this same thing. She may want to come up and see her while she’s still alive. It would be awkward to have mom die and not have forewarned Barbara about it. Especially since I told her I thought mom had turned the corner towards recovery just a few days ago. This situation changes from day to day.

All of the plans are in place for a funeral. There will be details to be settled but she has made her wishes clear. Who gets what and how much is all spelled out. One thing that I think is important is to wait a period of time to gather all the data, inventory all the assets, and then make the distribution. I suppose it is my call and I’ll do it my way. This may cause some emotional responses in others but that’s too bad. In preparation I will review her new will tomorrow.

All my emotional responses have been replaced by objective assessment of familial situations and anticipation of the next event, mom’s death. I don’t know how I will handle it, it may be overwhelming but it will have to be faced somewhere along the line. For mom’s sake, I honestly understand that she is ready to leave this body; it is depleted and used up. If she is here to teach me lessons of objectivity, then she has done her job. There may still be other things left undone; she’ll remain with us until she (the being residing in the body) feels that she has done what needs doing.

I’m tired and I’m going to end for now, to pick it up from here tomorrow.

The movie, Nixon, was revealing. He was 61/62 when all of that happened and David Frost was 34/35; he was born the same year as I but in April. So Nixon was younger then than I am now, I was just about that old when we gave up Executrain. There is no feeling of age or inadequacy at 61; one is still on the plateau of his adulthood. Just as Nixon dealt with his failure, which was orders of magnitude greater than anything I may have felt, so did I deal with the demise of my participation in Executrain. I’ve been through all of this before and won’t belabor it now, only to encapsulate it by saying that it’s one thing to administer a business and quite another to understand a business. RMN was wrong and he trapped himself by putting his desire to keep his aids, Erlichman and Holderman, out of trouble. He was morally weak; IOW he didn’t have the moral foundation necessary to be face objective reality. Nixon died in 1994 at age 81; of a stroke. I could understand if it was caused by the enormity of his failure.

A new day dawned, another round in the care cycle with mom starting to moan at 4am and continuing even after water and rolling over, until 7:30 when we got her up. She had a good breakfast of oatmeal, fortified OJ, and coffee and ate all of it. I just don’t know if she’s going to make it or not. We are so close to it that it’s hard to be objective. She could go on like this for years, months, weeks, or days. The visiting nurse will be here at 10 am and we’ll see what she says. I’ll call Barbara after that.

How does my belief system operate in this time of transition? Mom is about to give up her sojourn in this body; while there is comfort in religious belief there is the reality of no one knowing for sure what happens upon death. This is certainly not a time to assert beliefs that are contrary to what are commonly held by the family. It would be disturbing to some and offensive to others. I would prefer that they keep their opinions private just as I will mine. In any event, I won’t be asserting belief nor arguing with what they say. Mom is confident that she has the truth; she will know soon enough as all of us will at the time of the death of our body. We are a manifestation of life; life continues, human life continues, the genetic strain of our bodies continues, and we don’t know if there is a spiritual entity, soul, that likewise continues. Personally I strongly suspect that there is but then I have a good imagination. And there is that confusing “I” again.

The time of transition is dear; Socrates reveled in it, stories of others in history likewise took it with uncommon acquiescence. I would want to be able to go out, consciously aware of what was happening right up to the point of death and perhaps beyond. I can envision it as being like diving into a deep pool of water; i.e. experiencing a completely different medium of existence.