It is now 4:45pm on Friday; it may be we or it may be mom but in either case she has taken a turn for the better. If it’s we, it’s because we’ve had the visiting nurse here and the physical therapist and both of us feel better about the situation; feel that we are doing the right things and avoiding the wrong. I added a daily to my list: “Mistakes are avoided because I am vigilant.” If it’s mom it is because she is feeling more confident, perhaps getting through a combination of feeling like she’s a burden and/or even a little self-pity. When I asked her yesterday, “Do you want me to send for the priest?” She said no, to which I said, “I’ll ask you again later.”
There’s a little history that goes along with using this question, this strategy. She sent for the priest for my grandfather Lina and he died shortly thereafter. My grandmother was most upset with my mother for having done so; claimed it hastened his death. I know mom remembers this because it is she who told me the story. It could be, therefore, that she now thinks that the visit by the priest is the last act. By changing her attitude, ever so slightly, she is telling me that she’s not ready to die. This is quite a change from the day before yesterday when she asked me, “Why can’t you just shoot me?”
The question on my mind is, why doesn’t she die? She is a being with a Master, Driver (Steward), Personae, Brain-body, and a link to Essence. As such, she is in this Brain-body until she is finished with it; then she can move on and take on another when she is ready. The fact that she is still alive can be interpreted to mean she isn’t finished yet. Perhaps there is/are a lesson still to be taught to those around her, including me. I have certainly been trying to understand more and more the why’s and wherefore’s of this whole situation.
She is rewarding me by living longer because dealing with the situation of tending to her needs causes me to reconcile myself to the effort and not look for reward, appreciation, or approval. It is something I have to do out of honor, duty, and responsibility. This realization is new. I have been grating under the burden of her being here and the stinginess of my sister and to a lesser extent brother-in-law. Until now I have resented the fact that they have contributed minimally to her support; and when I say minimally I mean zero money, zero appreciation, and an “attitude” about even coming up here twice a year to be with her for a week or so while Carola and I go to visit our kids.
Now I see it for what it is, an opportunity for personal fulfillment and when it is over I will have the best of all possible rewards, for me anyway, that of self approval, i.e. able to have the solace of knowing that I did what I was supposed to do out of a sense of filial responsibility. I’ve become aware of my need for approval and the approval that is most important for me to have is my own. And one of the best rewards is not giving a care to what others do/don’t.
We took mom to the bone doctor last week, our appointment was for 10:30am and it was afternoon when we finally got in to the consultation room and yet another hour waiting for him to come in; then he spent no more than 10 minutes with us/her and was gone. I was not happy about this; then I got to thinking about it, what and why. What else would I be doing for these few hours and why am I getting so upset?
The truth is I would be doing scant little of a productive nature because our whole life is absorbed with mom and her leg/knee at the moment. So there’s no reason to be all up in arms about waiting in a doctor’s office. The answer to the why is even more interesting. I was upset because someone else was in control of me. I couldn’t leave, couldn’t do anything else but wait while they continued their business, completely unconcerned about me and the fact that I was there. Once I realized these things, I was placated and at ease. The fury dissipated and I became tres calme.
These are two examples of what is happening more and more with me. It is a result of the daily, “Realizing that emotional responses are irrational, I am more objective,” and verifies the/underscores the influence of repeating them daily. It has/ and continues to take a long time to effect changes in responses, to reorient the personae to a more desirable response, to recognize the emotional response and negate it, to accentuate/ emphasize/ recognize/ give credence to the intellectual response. The next step, to articulate the objective response will come along naturally enough. The biggest hurdle to get over is/was giving sway to the emotional response.
The change of heart towards slavery that is noted in Abraham Lincoln and the contrast between him and G.W. Bush who gave no evidence of evolving in his thinking is not lost on me. It is the Abe Lincoln type model that I use to reflect on my experiences and change my attitudes towards issues, people, situations, and perceptions. This has made me sensitive to wanting to reconcile my feelings objectively; the daily, then the introspection, then the conclusion all form the pattern of development that I am happy to see happening.
It is important not to become Pollyannaish and forget there are those who will do me harm; who harbor hard feelings, envy, even jealousy towards me. Not knowing who they are makes me hold back overtures to those who are suspect and knowing some by name, makes me vigilant for the opportunity to make war or peace, as I deem appropriate.
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