There Is Progress

And this brings up another format with which I am familiar, start writing and let’s see what comes out. Carola and I just went to see the latest Harry Potter movie; it was long and complicated. We have help in the house to give us a break from taking care of mom. The help called after we had our lunch and said that mom’s leg was bleeding pretty badly and didn’t know for sure what to do, so we came home. Our day out was a nice movie and lunch and I appreciate that.

Last night at the billiard club, I won my match. Several times during, I repeated my daily “When competing, I do it to win,” and “When in a competitive or conspicuous situation, I am calm, cool, and collected because I am the boss, I am in charge.” Now I don’t subscribe to mental powers that extend beyond my own head but when I repeated these dailies the situation turned around. My opponent missed his shot and I went on out. This happened twice and it is probably because my opponent was more anxious than I; and they could have had a calming effect on me to allow me to make my shots. A more superstitious person could say that I telepathically caused him to miss his shots. In any event, I won my match fair and square and I was pretty darned proud of myself for doing so.

The dailies have been a source of personal power to me and I literally repeat them daily. When I say these, and those that specify what and why for the endeavors, I am able to stay on a track that is positive and constructive. Another example is that I’ve lost several pounds because repeating my daily keeps me in the mind set of eating less and doing more. I am now within four pounds of my desired weight of 198 pounds, down from eight. It seems that it takes a good long while for me to adopt the supporting actions necessary to realize the desired end result described in/by the daily, sometimes in retrospect it may take months. But then all of a sudden it kicks in and the results start showing up. It seems that the desired result becomes so ingrained that I am no longer cognizant of doing things differently; yet I am but it’s because it has subtly become part of me. The improvement is gradual at times; other times it is step function difference, but one thing for sure it happens. The improvement comes and the success is gained. OTOH when the daily efforts are not made, the desired end result slips away, sometimes into limbo, other times into oblivion until I come across some missive that refers to an abandoned dream.

There was a call from Woody Northup, District Governor elect for 2010/11, asking me to spearhead a GSE team for France in his term. This is great news and if I can become the leader of such a team that will be yet another dream come true. I would propose a team to go to the district that contains Chantilly and thereby visit again chez Lina on the Avenue de Montmorency, enface de Foret du Chantilly. It will/is up to me to see that this happens.

If I could have chosen a place to live, to belong to, to be seen as I was in Baden by all the passers-by, it is Chantilly. It is one of the locations of a previous life and I am drawn to it by a certain familiarity. I would live there as I am here, involved in the community on a minor level and with a circle of friends that liked horses, riding, and socializing on a superficial level. I would be involved with companies who needed my special talents; eventually becoming very French in my language, manners, and outlook. Somehow the day to day life in Chantilly has an appeal for me.

I am registered now for a class in French Theater for the fall. It will be on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 1pm to 2:15 and taught by Dr. John Greene. It is an important class in which to be enrolled because I think it is a pre requisite to be taking classes at UofL to be able to perform in a production by the Theater Arts Department. There was a curious question at the end of Rinda Frye’s Email concerning me taking classes; now I can say, “Yes.” In addition to this, the class is theater related and French so there you are; all the bases are covered.

It is interesting to note that I am on the inside at UofL as a continuing education person. Not taking anything away from a degree seeking student, contributing my time, talent, and participation to classes that are otherwise not very enthusiastically supported by those enrolled. I carried some of the sessions for Drs Day and Greene when their questions were met with stony silence by the somewhat reticent students. People recognize me and are supportive; I enjoy taking advantage of the social aspect of the situation. It gives me a venue that would otherwise require joining some other venue.

This is an important contrast to be made with the students in Theater Arts. These people are wide open and friendly, full of enthusiasm and participation, often talking animatedly to each other before, during, and after class. Somewhat closed to me at first but when they see that I’m not a crackpot and not a threat they open up nicely. As an aside, a former classmate working at Tinsel town, called me out today and we talked about what is transpiring in his and my life now. That has also happened with French class mates but much less frequently. No telling how many encounters have passed unnoticed.

The message that is coming through in this writing is the importance of knowing what I am about; reminding myself of it; and taking advantage of oppys for achievement. I don’t want to hurt my arm patting myself on the back but then I have developed a nice routine for accomplishment. What is lacking is imagination and focus for finding and achieving a suitable lifetime goal.

Obsession

It’s Sunday and I am doing my weekly plotting and scheming. It occurs to me that I am in a transition, perhaps one that I recognized before and am now recognizing it again, between times when mom was a lot less dependent than now. I find myself falling into a ditch, a rut, a trough, wherein I’ve become aware of a need for me to take action to get out of same. It is easy to fall into accepting life as the job of taking care of mom and doing little or anything else. It is the same as any other situation in which we find ourselves.

There is a Parkinson’s Law that says work will expand to fill the amount of time available for it; and so it goes with the situation in which we are. Unless I/we take the initiative and think and do, we will be sitting around doing only what mom needs. Thankfully I’ve seen the situation and being aware of it am able to take action to avoid falling into the ditch, rut, or trough. In retrospect we have been avoiding the fall for a few weeks. I said to Carola that it is important for us to have a life as well, to go on with whatever we are/were doing and make accommodations for mom within the framework of our life.

On a larger scale this is one of the lessons of life. We can get so absorbed in something that we give up thinking about the bigger picture. That absorption can become obsessive, as in writing all the time, painting all the time, cooking all the time, doing crafts all the time, doing business all the time; you get the picture. By all the time, that is what I mean, to the exclusion of any and all other activities and people.

There is something to be said for such obsession; it has caused great works of art to be accomplished, it allows one to defer his development on any and all other fronts to concentrate on the one and only obsession. I think about my dad; he was able to function in the most squalid of shops, I mean they were dirty, aged, awful, and cluttered. The toilet in one was so dirty, and I don’t mean with feces but with dust that formed a hard coating on the porcelain. Yet he was able to create some works of art in sheet metal; the genius was his being able to take a flat sheet of thin metal and measure it this way and that, cut it this way and that, and fold it up to make a whatever. His shops were like an artist’s atelier. Aside: This was a man who felt that he was not intelligent; no amount of evidence to the contrary could make him see just how smart he was. Somewhere back in his lifetime the right person/people didn’t give him the encouragement, didn’t tell him how smart he was, didn’t share with him the fact that he was exceptional, so he carried a stigma, not realizing how smart he was.

The Sunday exercise helps me to keep from getting into obsession. It is an extension of my annual planning method where I look at where I am in each of several Planning Categories, each of several Life Categories, and Traits in order to advance in the development of personae. In so doing, I (* and I’m not sure which I this is) can only hope that the master function is getting whatever he needs for his development. Bless his heart he is mute and I (*) never know for sure what he wants so I (*) default to doing whatever is necessary for personae development and wait to see if he objects very much.

The parallel of taking care of mom is so evident to me. An example is to give her a morsel of food on a fork and see her recoil. “Is it too hot?” She nods, which is more than Master does, and I know that it isn’t acceptable. So it is with Master; I see an opportunity to err and all sorts of physical and mental anguish sets in; and I know that was unacceptable. Now there is the question of whether that is some arbitrary conscience or Master sending a message; it could be one, or the other, or both.

There are times when concentrated effort is necessary; learning lines, preparing for an audition, setting up accounts, writing this blog and other activities evident for the successful pursuit of many endeavors. Seeing what is necessary is the key; until what has to be done becomes evident, a lot of time passes with little or no progress. This is where the Sunday plotting and scheming session comes into play. Often there are large gaps in the process because what has to/ should be/ could be done is often not evident. And I’ll get sidetracked into a Sudoku game or other diversion that disallows thinking about what needs doing.

I have found, however, that by doing this or that diversion my mind is freed up to imagine what could be done in an endeavor. Then it is a matter of remembering same and doing it. I’ve found that the item is accomplished by stopping the diversion immediately and doing whatever right then and there. It is times like now that I have to avoid same because I am not in a diversion but pursuing an endeavor; a fine point but necessary to point out. Not that a mental note can’t be made to remember to do whatever; this allows for getting it done later. It is a bit like what others might consider to be clutter but you see it as a set of reminders to do this or that. I’m referring here to desks, work benches, junk drawers, stacked boxes, files, etc.

There is a conclusion to all of this and it is choice. One can chose to become involved with something or obsessed with it; where obsession is complete immersion to the exclusion of all else for extended periods of lifetime. Obsession is a form of identification; one of the deadly sins.

Ever Onward

Finally, it is raining. We had a wet June but an almost completely dry July; although the temperatures have been great, low seventies. The rain is welcome because the lawn has gone dormant for lack of water. It has proven to be resilient over the years, especially in the months of August past, and greens up again after rainfall. The nourishment of fertilizer in April and again in June has provided the necessary. The lawn is an analogy of one of my dailies, i.e. “I am happy with where I am and the direction in which I am heading; I have a good self image.” I take action in one part of the year to see resultsin my being in another. I do things today for improvement, however slight; then one day I realize that I hit 12 fairways and put seven irons on the green with regularity. Part of my psyche is to not recognize this as it is happening and voila, it is there.

Observing mom from a Gurdjieffian point of view, I can see the valiant fight she is waging to keep this body alive. Who is she? She is that part of the being that lives in this body to be released and find its way. That way could be another body, a respite from life as an entity, or relaxing into oblivion; the choice will be hers. She isn’t ready yet but this body is physically worn out; the boney frame is depleted, the musculature has all but atrophied, she has almost no reserve of energy, yet she isn’t ready to give it up. Perhaps there is something for which she is waiting, an epiphany of understanding or perhaps there is a fear of dying that makes her hang on. In any case she lives on as she has now for the past month and for the past one hundred years and six months.

In her spiritual life she has put her faith and trust in the teachings of the Catholic Church. This could have been a major faux pas but then she didn’t take the time to develop her understanding of life and living.

There seems to be two approaches to a belief system; one is to study and the other is to think. When one studies, he accepts what others have written and taught as their understanding of life and living. The RCC, starting in 300 AD, laid down a set of beliefs that could be studied, learned, adopted, and served as a guide for life. Islamists, Buddhists, Hindus, Jews, (you name the religion) did the same thing; then offered these “teachings” as the one true way to everlasting life. They don’t say to take these as a starting point and develop your own understanding even if it leads you to a better but similar conclusion. The situation is analogous to going to school all the time; accepting what the professors says without question. The churches call it faith and it is their way of assuring continued “tuition” payments. You can question as long as you stay in the enclosure of their tenets as expressed by the bible or some other “holy book.”

It isn’t realistic to beatify or confer sainthood on G. I. Gurdjeff. It is, however, good to note that he espoused the thinking approach to this whole question. He wrote some books, P. D. Ouspensky, et al, did likewise but underneath it all Gurdjieff said don’t take my word for it, figure it out for yourself. I took his advice and have been doing it for a long time. I refrain from writing more than these notes about my thoughts because they are always developing, always being refined. When I go back and read some of my earlier notes, I see where I was at the time and contrast them with where I am now. There are few contradictions and much refinement. Any attempt at writing a definitive description of what I believe for others would be wrong. It presupposes that my conclusions are to be adopted by others and this is antithetical to my first admonition; go figure it out for you.

The starting point is Ouspensky but being careful not to accept what he wrote as gospel but rather as a starting point for further thought. Then read Gurdjieff, then as many books and letters, and notes as you can find about him, either written by contemporaries or by scholars since. Read and study the ancient texts that you can find. All of this is fiction but it is from whence I started to gain my understanding of life and living and where I am as a being. In this case the ‘I’ is the rider, the inhabitant of the body, that part of the being that is not temporal, the one who has experienced other lifetimes.

When one adopts this approach, the unfettered thought approach, esoteric meanings from contemporary and ancient religions, including those of the ancient Greeks, Romans, and Egyptians, myths and the whole of human history, start to come into focus and there is an endless thread of basic truth that emerges, which when followed leads us to more and more understanding; but more importantly to the conclusion that there is so much more to be understood that we can never. We are like Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill only to have to start all over again when it rolls back down. The developmental task is to understand enough that the boulder doesn’t roll back down. IOW that we reach a plateau from where further spiritual development can occur; we get a new boulder and a new slope. At this point I can only go this far, I don’t know the end game.

There is a hint in the gospels; it is the story of the Transfiguration. There may be other similar experiences recorded for others who reached this level of development; I don’t know. It just seems to me to be the real end to which Jesus Christ was working, not the crucifixion.

Accentuate the Positive

In a few days it will have been a month since Mom fell and was hurt. She has been a brave and patient lady to sit by and let her body heal. In observing her it seems that the majority of her personae have gone dormant while her predominantly instinctive have come to the fore. At one point I described it as a nervous breakdown. Now one must be advised that I have no experience with one of these but it is as I described above, a lack of any response except instinctive.

I described an evaluation mode yesterday and want to mush on with it. I need to name imaginary personae for each of the major sources. The Intellectual could be Spock, the Star Trek logical character; the Emo—a spoiled child named Brat; the Moving—a Cirque de Soleil performer named Jean who wears a body suit and has no hair; Sexual—a lothario named Georg who is skinny and has a pencil mustache; Social—a super confident, hail fellow well met person named Dick; Instinctive—an heroic fellow named Odysseus who can handle anything.

I’m not sure about this line-up but let’s go with it anyway. Now what? I suppose one could look back over the week, month, half-year and list the major actys that took place then view them from each of the evaluator’s point of view. A good source would be the log, or recall. Another approach would be to focus on the upcoming and ask how each of the imagines would approach it. Yet another would be to id ad hoc events and ask how…?

Right away I can see that the Emo is not a good candidate for any of this analytical stuff. He has no capability to prognosticate; he is reactionary. It isn’t that he can’t use imagination but rather that almost all his use of it is after the fact. He is like a guitar string that only produces a sound when disturbed. Then the sound attenuates until it is dampened out or simply fades away. Just like the guitar, he has evolved a limited set of responses to stimulation. In the particular instance of this set of personae he is usually out of tune with the desired response. I suppose this became evident somethime rather recently, within the past few years, and that realization led to the daily, “…emotional responses are irrational…” The daily repetition of this has led to some significant improvement in objectivity.

If a series of psychological events which lead to action could be described, they may be laid on a continuum that starts with the realization that s.t. is desired; this could come from daydreaming, a disturbance, an appetite, a desire, a requirement, a request, an unsatisfactory situation, a desire for improvement of s.t., grounded in the emotional component of a persona. Then the intellectual source personae get inovolved and formulate the desired result and a plan to achieve it. Finally, personae of all the sources get involved in the execution with each providing his expertise.

Of all, the influences of the emotional are the most difficult with which to deal. They are rapid/quick to react and often do so without regard to consequences. They are the initiators of action that is required to be taken by personae of predominantly the other sources.

In pool, the emo wants to win the game, gets mad at missed shots, feels hostility towards opponents/advisors, reacts violently, and is generally rude and unmanageable. It is the same in golf. It is as if he is the one who gets very angry with other personae, especially those who are expected to perform but are insufficiently practiced/skilled in the game. Furthermore, he gets upset whenever anything doesn’t go perfectly. Yes! I know him, he is the judge. Now that I recognize from whence the judge comes, I know what needs doing. It is in fact happening now as a result of the daily. All of the dailies are relevant and this one is among them, “Realizing that emotional responses are irrational, I am more objective.” The ability to deal with negative emotions by replacing them with positive is a close second in importance. These are: replace hatred with love, jealousy with admiration, disdain with acceptance, suspicion with trust, and vengeance with forgiveness. Of all that can be done to grow in positivity these are fundamental first steps.

Successfully accomplishing these will set the stage for having a positive frame of mind as any and all life situations are encountered. A positive, constructive, enthusiastic, “In what way can we…” approach to whatever situation arises will allow solution instead of gridlock. Of all of what is happening around me I consider this to be the most important change I would like to see. The important realization here is that analysis of past actions, moods, reactions is not the answer. The answer is to replace and move ahead. Life is not a contest of win or lose but a cross country course that has many obstacles to be surmounted. When performing for an audience, there is an element of judgment so one can’t say that we run the course without notice by/of others; but, like a play unfolding on the stage, the show must go on. This performance may or may not get the desired applause, level of approval, but then there’s always tomorrow’s.

This started out to be a formulation of a method of evaluating and has turned into a different approach to achieving the desired result. In a few words: repeat, replace, rehearse, and perform. Repeat the dailies to inculcate the desired, replace the negative by positive, rehearse to increase confidence, and perform for the fun of it. It is interesting how my original thinking about this was like approaching a ball of knotted twine only to have the ball unknot and fall apart into an understandable and practical approach.

It is easier for me to be negative, which is an increase in entropy. All of nature has this propensity. Life struggles to reverse entropy, to react positively. I am successful in doing so more frequently than not. Most of the time it is just like I said above, a seemingly hopelessly knotted set of circumstances that turns out to be not as bad as all that.

Whither

It’s 9:55 PM and I've just returned from a walk. The temperature is about 70 degrees Fahrenheit and the sky is absolutely clear; very nice for July 17 in this location. All during the walk I had this internal conversation with unspecified others about the condition of the being. It seems that, just like an organization of people, the whole can be described by the sum of all the actions that it takes; by the prominent personalities (leaders); and by the results it achieves.

A long time ago, I listened with rapt attention as a Harvard professor spoke to an assembled group of Information Systems people attending a Unix seminar about how a country or organization could be characterized in a manner similar to an individual with respect to maturity level, professional level, culture, adopted rules of behavior, and probably some other things that I don’t remember. I am here stating that the reverse is likewise true and that it is even more so because an individual, a being, is made up of many personae and the expressed behavior of the being is just like that observed of an organization.

It is the challenge presented to the observing ‘I’ to determine for this being what that description might be. One approach is to look at the results achieved in various aspects of this lifetime and reach some sort of conclusion. Another is to reflect on the reactions of the various personae to situations that arise and conclude whatever. A third might be to ask an independent observer to give his/her opinion of the being; although it would be difficult to find one, or even a committee, that would know the being well enough to give a realistic and full appraisal. A fourth approach is to gather the opinions of personae that are predominant in each of the sources, i.e. intellectual, emotional, moving, social, sexual, and instinctive or to have the observing ‘I’ approach the evaluation from each of these points of view, being as purely in the source as possible. There may be/probably are more approaches that could be taken but I like the fourth the best because this one hasn’t been done before.

There are lists of accomplishments, there is the status of Planning Categories, Life Categories, Traits, and Endeavors; all of which are evaluated at least annually and more often, even weekly. There is the response to observed action/reactions which is largely emotional and, therefore, irrational. The independent observer is out of the question because there is none who is intimate enough and circumspect enough to give an accurate opinion. There have been surveys, questionnaires, evaluations, conclusions that have been given in the past all of which approached the being from a different point of view and gave differing results.

The one that generally gave the most agreeable/ believable results was the Bipolar analysis that included the opinions of others who knew this one from different arenas of activity. The results, however, forced the classification into one of four quadrants that then purported to predict behavior; very reasonable but false all the same.

A useful self-evaluation to be made would be from the point of view of the sources. This could be done by imagining each of the sources to have an ideal to which we (the personae) aspire; the actual results that are observed are influenced by different sources being part of the mix of any persona. The evaluation would be from the point of view of an imaginary persona consisting of unattainable purity of source. I am resolved to do this evaluation and it will take some time and effort to accomplish; IOW not this instant.

The walk surfaced lots of disparate opinions on the being, every time a critical remark was made about this failure or that, another positive point was raised to illustrate a success that was in the same vein as the failure recalled. A lot of emotional input was made about the loss at the pool table Wednesday night; and the golf game on Thursday. The critical remarks were rebuffed by the observation that the greatest influence on performance in these areas is the skill level that is/is not sufficient.

Now here we had an emotional/irrational response, i.e. you are a loser, reframed into an objective response, i.e. your skill is not at the desired level. It has to be noted that confidence rides with skill level in the passenger seat. As long as the emotional influence is unsatisfied with the skill level, confidence is lost or low, at best. The analogy of confidence being in the passenger seat is good because it is like same saying over and over, “we’re lost” while the driver is trying to figure out where in the heck we are.

Then there are the comparisons that evoke an equally irrational response. An example of which is (name withheld), a man who worked for me; I was his boss, we worked together to accomplish lots of good things in the shipyard. He is now a Senior VP making more than $10 million per year and I am sitting here in Louisville with just enough cash flow to keep me going sans souci. Both of us had aspirations—he realized his, I did or did not?

These are the comparisons that are most destructive to the psyche if allowed. There is no useful result to be obtained from indulging in this so I don’t. These comparisons evoke jealousy, cause discouragement, require one to dwell on the past, and on what might have been; very much like hearing about lottery winners and then dreaming about being one. In a big way, life is more predictable than the lottery because where we are is where the aggregate of the stronger personae want to be.

A more constructive evaluation is necessary with the desired result being a change of heart among the strong and influential personae, and recognizing that they will have it their way. No matter how logical, emotional, graceful, social, sexy, or assured we want to be, the results are what is in the cup after all is said and done, all the compromises made, all the activities completed; and this is what is /was desired.

On Losing

Some may have noticed others not so I’ll spell it out. Almost every entry that is made starts from where I am. This is in keeping with my philosophical starting point which is also from where I am at the time. We had a day off in our lives today, the first of weekly days off and perhaps even twice weekly. I went to MTGC and Carola to get a massage. It was pretty good; at first I thought I would make a more elegant use of the time but as it rolled on I went for the golf. A good choice because that is working on aim but then anything I would have done would have been same because all of my choices centered around aim.

We set up ooVoo on our PC last night and I observed my face on the monitor; I mean really. It is so bad, so old, and so puffy, so you name it that I think I’d like to exchange it for a different one. How ugly is ugly. How can one be seen out in the world with a mug like this? People are kind in that they don’t point and laugh. Some even treat me with a little respect. I am almost ashamed to be out in the world with a face like this. It is remarkable that I am allowed to walk around without a shroud over it. OTOH it is mine and the only one I have so I must get over this and quickly. Acceptance begins at home. That means others will accept me, no matter how I look as long as I accept myself; and that means without remarks. It also means without listening to any compliments or taking them as serious statements. I mean if anyone were to say to me, “My how handsome you are,” I would have to say to myself—what do you want? This actually happened in rehearsal for Uncle Tom where the director ooh’d and aah’d over me and I looked at her with lots of suspicion. “When comparing myself, I realize that I am unique.” This is a daily that bears repeating over and over again.

There was a Hagar comic this morning that was appropo for me. He comes into the house full of arrows, cuts, and bruises and Helga asks how’d it go? He says I lost. That was me last night coming home from playing pool. There are mitigating circumstances but I’m not going to use them as an excuse. I didn’t win, not because my opponent beat me but because I missed shots that I can make. I get so down on myself when this stuff happens that it is like I am eating myself from the inside out. I want to be a player but every good shot seems to have to be offset by a poor one; same in golf. If I could ever figure this out perhaps I would be a player. It goes like this: I want to be; I’m not; I see I’m not; others see I’m not; I give up the ghost. There is a missing element here; it’s called character.

The guy I played golf with today, his name was Rick, asked me what business I would go into if I so wanted. That was a tough question and I didn’t really answer it. I did a pretty good job of reframing it and answered it by giving him some advice. This was after he talked about going into the healthcare business; he formerly worked as a regional manager for Pitney Bowes. My advice was along the lines of the lesson I learned from Executrain, that managing in a large corporation is one thing and understanding the business you are in is another. I told him that I learned more about the training business working in Adult Education for JCPS; had I known this before I bought the franchise things would have been different. So Rick, get involved with someone who is successful in the business you want to have so you can learn the ins and outs of it and then go into it for yourself. Specifically, leverage your contacts, personable style, and knowledge of selling in large markets by associating with a successful Mfr’s Rep; allowing him to have you on his team without risk of loss and all the possibility of gain. I don’t know if he heard me or not but what I said is the truth. It is one thing to work as I did in management and another to be successful at a business that you don’t really know.

The thing about his question that bothers me is I don’t have an answer. What business would I go into, none. There’s your answer. Just like what stock would I buy or horse would I bet, I don’t know enough about whatever to do other than take a chance/place a bet. Problem is when you bet you can lose so you’d better be ready. In my case, just like the pool competition, losing is what I seem to do best. The only way to win is to take the risk out of the action; to know what will be successful and do it. In business, it means don’t participate unless and until you can. In pool it means study, practice, play and accept the results as they occur. It means to stop the self-flagellation because it is non productive and self defeating. It means to study what is required to get the results desired and do it with intention; stay in the moment; do whatever without regard to the result achieved.

Often I will critique a shot to say what went wrong when it is simply that it wasn’t set up properly. The critique is a waste of time because I already know what has to be done in preparation; it is then a matter of doing it before the shot and not looking at what went wrong afterwards. Hell, anyone can tell what went wrong. What must be done is ahead of time to make it go right.

Test

This is going to be stream of consciousness writing. I’m only going to come up for air when the 1000 word goal is reached; there will be no discipline re: subject, IOW I’ll write on anything that comes to mind as I go along. Go.

It is now 5:18 and I’ll time the entry to see how long it takes to key 1000 words. The whole thing about this style of entry is to let the mind wander and put down the random thoughts as they occur. I played golf this morning and will do it again tomorrow morning after the RC meeting. My game is improving and one of these days I’m going to break 90 regularly. My drive is pretty much under control; the thing I have to keep in mind is to slowly take the club back, the second is to keep my eye on the spot on the ball where I want to hit it. It’s not an odd thing at all but the same thing is true for pool. When I get careless and don’t focus on the very spot on the ball where I want to hit it, in either sport, the results leave s.t. to be desired. In golf and in pool, a slow backswing and keeping one’s eye on the ball are two important factors. Of course there are other things that are equally important but only come to mind when one is not minding them. It would seem that these two are the most frequently violated of the admonitions.

On the third hole, I invited this young fellow to play along with me, his name is Joey. We had a good time of it; he didn’t mind playing several balls on some holes because we were both practicing. Then on the second last he offered that his stepfather threw him out of the house and his natural mother backed up the stepfather. This happened some time ago and he tries not to think about it but he obviously does since he told me about it. It seems that his 15th birthday came and went without wishes from his mother and this really bothered him, even if he said it didn’t. It is so easy to see when someone is hurting because they will tell you about it, especially if you are not one close to the situation. I feel sorry for the kid; wish I could wave some magic wand and have his pain go away but I can’t.

Mom is moaning and groaning all the time. She must be in pretty bad pain, at least suffering a lot of discomfort. She asked me yesterday how much all of this was costing her and was incredulous when I told her nothing out of pocket except for the day off Carola and I have arranged to take. She is very advanced in age and doesn’t need a lot of medical care. The cost to Medicare, borne by the citizens of this country, has not been over the top. In the time she has been here, which is now more than 7 years, she has used emergency services a couple of times, first care services some, and hospital only once that I can recall plus the time she spent there when we moved her out here from the Atria. So, she hasn’t been a burden on the system; oh yes, she has regular eye checkups and they are paid by Medicare. Overall it is my opinion that Medicare is a good thing. It is abused, that’s for sure, but it’s been there for mom when she needed it. I think it will be here for us as well.

The government is now trying to contain the cost of medical services and it is an almost impossible job. Camus wrote a book about a doctor who went to a small town and it wasn’t long before almost everyone in the town was reliant on him for all sorts of ailments; he was treating them and they were responding with more ailments. In fact he was playing to their need for attention, their need for sympathy, their need for love. Before he came to the place there was no doctor and he had to establish his practice. It is a fictional story but at the same time it is close to the truth. Everybody has something wrong with them if you give them a chance to think about it for a while. As for me, I am a contrarian in this regard and push through the ailments with the philosophy that my body will heal itself. There have, of course, been times when some extra help was needed and antibiotics were prescribed. There have been others when my back went out and Carol Ward put it back together for me—twice and Kelly Brown fixed my shoulder. Those occurrences were several years ago and because I do my chiropractic stretches every day and keep my heart, legs, arms, and torso strong, I have not required medical services of any kind. I do have the occasional bout of bronchitis that requires more than the hot lemon tea but that’s about it. I have learned to recognize the symptoms and get to the 1st Care Ctr right away. It is exertion that makes the difference for me. As long as I am exerting myself with physical activity and work, I seem to be fine.

Just last week I put in a drain from the downspout to the bottom of the slope; a job that took about 1 ½ hours. It was, for me, a strenuous effort. My heart was pounding, my arms were aching, my legs were tired. I shoveled, hoed, raked, and moved dirt, rocks, and sod until I finished the job. All the while I resisted the thought of not completing it once I’d started. This temptation to take a break and come back later often creeps into my thinking but I learned a long time ago to resist it and mush on.

End: 5:43 (that’s 25 minutes doing what usually takes me 45 when I think about it while writing.)

Midway

It is another of the pleasant days we have been having, so I am enjoying the fresh air. We are also in mid-July and past the halfway point for the year. Am I satisfied with the way things are? This is a complicated question; how best to answer?

One way would be to do a TOMA of the status of various facets and endeavors. Another would be to review relationships; a third would be to look at finances and an objective look at assets, expenses, and income. A fourth would be a detailed evaluation of all Planning Categories, Life Categories, Endeavors, and Traits. Of all of these I think the TOMA and Relationships are/will be the most fruitful plus an exam of self—well no, because that will come out with the relationships.

So where am I? In a word I am developing on several fronts. My days/ nights/weekends have been soaked up with care for Mom; I mean totally since she fell June 23rd. I am not going to dwell on what I am not doing as a result of that. It is temporary because I am now fairly certain that she is going to be ok again. It may take several weeks but she is going to make it. It was dicey until now. It is, however, important to add some constructive personal activities back into my schedule.

Of all my Endeavors, those that call for relating to others are the least satisfactory. There just doesn’t seem to be anyone who cares about me; conversely there doesn’t seem to be anyone about whom I care. I think this is the nut of it. I am so soaked up with care for mom that I have no unmet need for caring for anyone else. I seem to be satisfied to remain in isolation or maybe not because here I am writing about my dissatisfaction.

When I don’t have a reason to contact s.o., I don’t. My need to contact is often to get s.t. for which I must pay. So if I feel that I don’t have the money, I don’t make the contact. I have been bemoaning this situation for a long time. Others call me when they need s.t. If they don’t see me having what they need they don’t make the call. Apparently no one sees me having what they need because no one calls. I may as well be a tree.

OTOH, I don’t need anything from anyone else or I would be calling them. This is where I took the cue from Bob Holous; when he called and said what he did. It is a thing that churches provide, i.e. social contact. Only the problem for me is hypocrisy. I can’t sit there and listen to all that crap just for the sake of being part of a congregation. IOW to be there and not subscribe is not for me. So the mainstream of interpersonal relationships is passing, with me in a backwater. People generally belong to several organizations that fulfill their social needs. I belong to some but I’m not meeting my social needs. I may be in denial; telling myself that I don’t have any.

I am suspicious of others, guarded in what I say, or at least sensitive to having said s.t. that didn’t set well. People form opinions of others based on what is said and observed. I am one who tries to guide that process even though I know it can’t be guided; then with this realization, I pull back because I feel that the opinion is negative and I am usually right. Even though others are much more so, you insert the negative, I come away feeling that their opinion of me is bad, or that I am somehow disapproved, seen as insignificant, or one with whom they would rather not associate; but then what I am seeing may be G’s mirror. IOW they see that in me and return the sentiment.

Far from perfect, I feel that I am judged as imperfect and shunned; when all the time those shunning me are even more imperfect than I. So where does all of this leave me? Alone and apparently satisfied to be so, even though I say I’m not happy this way.

Also there are those I would have love me but they don’t; worse they hate me. These are the subject of shenpas and I have been relatively successful in repressing these feelings even though they are obviously still there.

I have to ask what role jealousy plays in my relationships or lack thereof? In answering this I can only speak for me and say that jealousy plays a role in my sentiments towards some others. There is also disdain, suspicion, and a desire for vengeance. All of these are terribly destructive. In writing these words I am lifting the rock to see the uncovered crawly things scurrying.

Repression is not the answer. It is like replacing the rock and letting the critters go on multiplying in the darkness. Allow the light of day to dry the dampness and let the higher forms of life get started and grow is the answer; replacing, versus repressing, the negative emotions with positive is the answer. So where there is jealousy let there be admiration, disdain—acceptance, suspicion—trust, and vengeance—forgiveness; and over-all love must replace hatred.

While this may sound Pollyannaish it is not. It is the difference between isolation and participation. I can hear some internal reactions and am able to see through them to the wisdom that has come to me here. Often the most effective solution is the one that sounds trite because it has been discovered by many and often rediscovered in the course of one’s lifetime; like hearing a Great Courses series of lectures a second time is ok; often the thoughts are reinforced as a result.

And so; I think I’ve answered my question.

Personal Matters

Any objective observer would comment on the interesting situations that are currently underway in this family. I could start a litany of, well not really misfortunes but rather things that are not going perfectly. It would sound a lot like my story “How’s It Going with You” and I’m not going to do that. Suffice it to say that while everything seems to be falling down around our ears, for me personally things are fine. I have my health, fitness, enough money to cover expenses, pedestrian tastes, hobbies, and interests that can be covered by pocket change, and no personal entanglements outside of those in full view. I can’t say the same for many others in this family over the age of 60.

Mom is on a continuous moan, day and night except for a few hours when she is unconscious with sleep. I am not sure how long it’s going to take for her to either stop or for us to become so inured to it that it no longer registers an emotional response. This is happening slowly but I think it is not good because we could do something to ease her suffering if she would tell us. Ignoring the moan we may be missing the opportunity to make her more comfortable.

There was only a three and a half hour period this morning, from 5 to 8:30 when she was asleep without the moan. It was after she moaned from 10pm until 5am, after she used the potty, after Carola cleansed her bowels, after she went to bed, after she was rolled over twice, after she was in the chair, back in bed, back into the chair that she finally got some rest. Then at 8:30 she started again and has been moaning since. It is now 1pm. The poor thing is in misery and there isn’t a thing we can do for her. The pain pills she is taking are the strongest available and I don’t want to institutionalize her because she will be more miserable there and probably die without us being by her side. Admittedly it would be less stressful for us but then it would be simply too stressful for her. No, I would rather put up with her suffering along with her and see this through to the end, which is either going to be this month or she’s going to improve and get through this.

She is using her body more for steps, for movement, for adjusting her position and her appetite is marginally better. This is why I hold out hope that she will make it through this travail without dying during July. If she does, she will be once again the feisty little lady who won’t quit. That observer may even fault Carola and me for this or that. We’ve been attentive, taken her where she needed to go for medical assistance, kept the place safe, but then there are accidental things that happen.

This is why I added a new daily to my already long list, “Avoiding mistakes, I am vigilant.” This isn’t a positive statement but it says exactly what is necessary to remind me to be on the lookout for the leg behind the footrest, the position of my feet, the door jambs, the chair cushions, the pillows, the temperature of the food, and all those other million and one things that could go wrong. As I now reflect on my dailies, this may be the only ”don’t.”

The pain medicine, Hydrocodone, seems to have its effect on her aches. It took about thirty minutes to soak in but the half capsule I gave her about then may be why she is quiet now. Perhaps she will get some relief for a while. We can’t give it to her continuously, more than one and a half pills per day, well we could per the doctor’s orders but won’t, because it really causes her to be like as zombie. It isn’t fair to her to keep knocking her out but then it is also not very nice to be sitting there in pain all the time. We have adopted a middle of the road approach that seems to be acceptable to all.

My sister and brother-in-law left about an hour ago; Carola and I were pleased by their visit, especially the change of attitude evidenced in him. He was personable, not at all a braggart, offered to pay for dinner the other night, and participated in conversation without bullying. My sister even hinted that they would pay for the extra care from Elder Care Professionals if mom couldn’t. She balked at buying my book because she is a stingy person, at least towards us. Never spends a nickel more than the minimum; never contributes to the pot. That’s just the way she is.

Looking up and around, Daughter 1 and her husband are in China to get an adopted daughter and bring her home. Their trip got off to a rocky start when the plane they were on returned to the airport for fear of something bad happening to it. They are a day late in their schedule and will have to get by with less rest after the trip over. So that’s happening.

My son and his wife are a case study in what happened to cause the crisis we are now in. I mean, you take their case and multiply it by 30 million and there you have the genesis of the crisis; with the general constriction of business activity that followed. A quick summary would be over-extending and justifying it with projected cash flow instead of a more conservative equity approach; don’t spend it unless you have it covered; don’t play poker using IOU’s. The financial marketplace is a high risk area, a game of chance where you shouldn’t bet more than you can afford to lose; although it has happened enough over time that there is relief for those who do; it's called declaring bankruptcy.

Daughter 2 and husband are fine. Here are two who are as objective in their approach to money matters as anyone. They seem to have a discipline about them that sees them through; although I’ll bet they don’t see it this way. Outsiders, like me, often see the results and not the process, whereas the insiders see the turmoil of the day to day.

Writing

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

MarkC presided over the first RC meeting of his term; he did just fine. It was a little strange to be seated among the members but I’m ok with this. I think it is important to let things happen as they will, IOW I’m not volunteering for anything.

We are getting organized here. The visiting nurse is on a schedule, the physical therapist likewise, now we are arranging a professional service to give Carola and me some time away. It is Elder Care Professionals and she will be here in an hour to explain the deal. With this and the rest we will be/feel less overburdened.

At this moment, mom and I are sitting on the upper deck in a nice breeze; the shade, and an almost clear blue sky. Her feet are a little swollen so she had a fluid pill this AM. I can’t read her very well. She seems to have given up the battle but she responds well to feeding and movements. She seems tired/not necessarily sleepy but fatigued. If not pressed for a response she makes none. Only when she feels discomfort from being in one position for too long or from needing to use the potty, does she say anything. Then it is a moan and it’s up to us to find out what’s the problem.

The rotation of the Earth is evident as I watch the shade/sun line close in on us. We tend to ignore this rotation but it continues both day and night as it has for 4.5 billion years around the sun. There was at least one major disruption and this was the collision with planet X that remade Earth and formed the Moon out of the combination. I suppose the Earth-Moon rotates in an orbit slightly different from the original Earth-only orbit. I remember entering the Hampton Roads Tunnel as the sun was on the Western horizon and upon exiting the sun was gone below it. It was a dramatic example of the rotation.

We have now quit the deck because it was getting too warm even though mom complained about being too cool; I think it was the breeze. At any rate we are now waiting inside for the social worker to get here.

I think writing requires a great deal of patience. I tend to tell the story a bit too clinically, a complaint I registered before. But the writer/novelist, as opposed to the play writer, has to delve into the whole scenario and paint a vivid picture for his reader. It still seems incredible that James Joyce could write nearly 800 pages to describe the activities of one day in the life of Leopold Bloom.

One can get the feel for my scatter shot from reading my notes and this one is a good example. I start on one subject, get distracted into another, and sometimes come back; other times, no. It would be a good exercise for me to write 10,000 words on a single subject. Incredibly that would be a treatise or sample of about 15 typed pages of manuscript; a far cry from the 220 of a book or Joyce’s 800 pages. Eight hundred pages is approximately a half a million words. The writing alone would take 500 hours plus editing; re writing; solving problems of tense, grammar, voice, and style. I mean wow! I am in awe of Joyce’s work. Then he wrote Finnegan’s Wake, which took 19 years. I don’t have that much lifetime left.

Writing is a job; a craft. It is s.t. one does much as I do but with a lot more discipline. Take these pages as an e.g. I started with Mark Church, mom, our situation, the earth, then writing, and I’m not even at the end of side 3. It may be a lack of depth, patience, perseverance, or discipline and I suspect it is a combination of all these and more.

When I wrote THW6C and TBH, I thought I was too long; and I was. As I attempted to lengthen them, the contrived lengthening became evident, too many words for the story being told. Same was true for my play. It would only last 30 minutes tops instead of an expected 90.

I remember reading James Michener’s first published book about a bridge in Hungary used to escape to the west, and found it to be amateurish. It was about 200 pages. His later books were riveting for more than 500 pages. He was a master at the historical novel.

Leon Uris was also but he ran out of steam and his last book was crap. I think he wrote it to fulfill an obligation. I suppose my point is that writers, especially good ones, are human and take time to develop and need inspiration, i.e. more than just do a job. There are plenty of hacks, who are light years ahead of me, filling shelves with drivel. Some books are sold because there are people who like to read and are easily impressed by a cover design.

Then there are serious non-fiction writers, who appear on talk shows, that turn out book after book of thought provoking material. These have an audience of intellectuals who read and probably debate the ideas put forth. The key is they have an audience. The question is how this, or any audience, formed? Some writers are discovered by an audience; others have an audience from other sources like Bill O’Reilly and Dick Morris, et al who follow them from the TV to the bookstore. These authors use their reputation in the public sphere to drive sales of their books, which have merit or they wouldn’t sell repeatedly.

Perhaps what we are seeing, even in this one of a 1000 sample, is the difference between breadth and depth. I touched on a variety of issues in these pages but made/came to no conclusions in writing. I do/have often come to conclusions mentally and take them away to be implemented. So it goes.

Endings

Mom is failing. She sleeps about 20 hours a day for the past several and she is comfortable but completely worn out. She eats willingly but barely enough to stay alive. We have taken to feeding her as we would an invalid and when she feels she’s had enough she refuses more. We make her move her body around, move her arms, hold her own cup, put on her glasses, put her teeth into her mouth, scoot and adjust herself in the chair, take a few assisted steps to position her in front of a chair or bed; and this is the only exercise/movement she has all day. I don’t expect her to make it through the month.

OTOH she could recover and live another several years. Somehow I just don’t think so but then one never knows. I didn’t think she would live this long. When I recall all the times I left their house or apartment with a big lump in my throat, only to have them be fine—for years.

So, tomorrow I’m going to call Barbara and tell her this same thing. She may want to come up and see her while she’s still alive. It would be awkward to have mom die and not have forewarned Barbara about it. Especially since I told her I thought mom had turned the corner towards recovery just a few days ago. This situation changes from day to day.

All of the plans are in place for a funeral. There will be details to be settled but she has made her wishes clear. Who gets what and how much is all spelled out. One thing that I think is important is to wait a period of time to gather all the data, inventory all the assets, and then make the distribution. I suppose it is my call and I’ll do it my way. This may cause some emotional responses in others but that’s too bad. In preparation I will review her new will tomorrow.

All my emotional responses have been replaced by objective assessment of familial situations and anticipation of the next event, mom’s death. I don’t know how I will handle it, it may be overwhelming but it will have to be faced somewhere along the line. For mom’s sake, I honestly understand that she is ready to leave this body; it is depleted and used up. If she is here to teach me lessons of objectivity, then she has done her job. There may still be other things left undone; she’ll remain with us until she (the being residing in the body) feels that she has done what needs doing.

I’m tired and I’m going to end for now, to pick it up from here tomorrow.

The movie, Nixon, was revealing. He was 61/62 when all of that happened and David Frost was 34/35; he was born the same year as I but in April. So Nixon was younger then than I am now, I was just about that old when we gave up Executrain. There is no feeling of age or inadequacy at 61; one is still on the plateau of his adulthood. Just as Nixon dealt with his failure, which was orders of magnitude greater than anything I may have felt, so did I deal with the demise of my participation in Executrain. I’ve been through all of this before and won’t belabor it now, only to encapsulate it by saying that it’s one thing to administer a business and quite another to understand a business. RMN was wrong and he trapped himself by putting his desire to keep his aids, Erlichman and Holderman, out of trouble. He was morally weak; IOW he didn’t have the moral foundation necessary to be face objective reality. Nixon died in 1994 at age 81; of a stroke. I could understand if it was caused by the enormity of his failure.

A new day dawned, another round in the care cycle with mom starting to moan at 4am and continuing even after water and rolling over, until 7:30 when we got her up. She had a good breakfast of oatmeal, fortified OJ, and coffee and ate all of it. I just don’t know if she’s going to make it or not. We are so close to it that it’s hard to be objective. She could go on like this for years, months, weeks, or days. The visiting nurse will be here at 10 am and we’ll see what she says. I’ll call Barbara after that.

How does my belief system operate in this time of transition? Mom is about to give up her sojourn in this body; while there is comfort in religious belief there is the reality of no one knowing for sure what happens upon death. This is certainly not a time to assert beliefs that are contrary to what are commonly held by the family. It would be disturbing to some and offensive to others. I would prefer that they keep their opinions private just as I will mine. In any event, I won’t be asserting belief nor arguing with what they say. Mom is confident that she has the truth; she will know soon enough as all of us will at the time of the death of our body. We are a manifestation of life; life continues, human life continues, the genetic strain of our bodies continues, and we don’t know if there is a spiritual entity, soul, that likewise continues. Personally I strongly suspect that there is but then I have a good imagination. And there is that confusing “I” again.

The time of transition is dear; Socrates reveled in it, stories of others in history likewise took it with uncommon acquiescence. I would want to be able to go out, consciously aware of what was happening right up to the point of death and perhaps beyond. I can envision it as being like diving into a deep pool of water; i.e. experiencing a completely different medium of existence.

Nestled

Mom is now impatient to be better, healed, cured, back into a more independent life. Instead of asking to be shot, she is asking why I don’t help her get over this thing. So this is good, Carola and I are taking it with a grin, although at 4am it is not that funny. It makes me think of how my life will be when and if I get to that advanced age. I don’t even want to think about it. Just like that horse doing x-country trials, I’ll take the obstacles as they come.

Theresa is heading for China to get a little sister for Marina and a second child for Michael and her. I am thinking that I would never do such a thing at his age, he is in his early fifties; the same age as I was when we came to Louisville. That was 17 years ago and now I am thinking of the interim. But back on the subject of T&M; they are average 50 years old and taking on a second baby who is two years old and a baby with some questions as to her health and early childhood development. Yet they seem to be answering some Karmic call and knowing Theresa, everything will be just fine. It is the Michael I can’t figure out and I’m not even going to attempt same.

Back to the Louisville interval; now that I’ve opened the door to it perhaps I should go into the room and look around. There has been a decided improvement in the city over this period of time. For someone from here, it must seem more like a Renaissance than new and improved because the city was a metropolitan center since the Civil War. It went into steep decline after the 1937 flood and then in the years surrounding 1980; when we got here in 1992 it was stirring like a Phoenix getting ready to rise from the ashes. There is still a brain trust that is not in place, the kind of brain trust that put Nashville, Indianapolis, Atlanta, and Cincinnati on the map.

We heard a historical summary of Louisville at a Rotary Club meeting a few years ago and it made a lot of sense. At the end of the Civil War this became the gateway city to the South. The devastation of the South from that war, especially General Sherman, left the infrastructure in ruins and the production capacity zeroed out. Louisville was the northern terminus of the L&N railroad, the UPS of its day. Many, if not most, of the goods and materials that went south went through here. There was prosperous Louisville and then there was Kentucky with Kentucky being the poor relative. There was a plethora of manufacturers and producers here as well as brokers, suppliers, and agents. The river boats came from the northeast via Cincinnati and from the Midwest via Saint Louis MO, Cairo IL, and Paducah KY with all of the cargo either passing through here to be put on the railroad or processed here and then put on the railroad.

Then in the 1960’s and until the 1980’s the economic infrastructure of the community underwent a change. There was a step function change caused by economy of scale that led to the “cashing in” by the heirs to outside interests; leaving behind a class of rich shareholders without corporate responsibility. The need to cultivate a relationship with those who were employed went away and the heirs separated themselves from the community, which was no longer necessary for the continuity of their businesses. Even today there is a whole stratum of people living here who are funded by trust funds and are not at all engaged in the nitty-gritty of community development. They don’t need to be so they’re not. And the absentee owners do little or nil to encourage the development of human resource; they either take what they find or relocate from other locations to here.

The 1980’s saw a rapid decline of manufacturers in the community as production went to other locations operated by the new owners of the corporations. There were, and still are some big names here, like Ford and GE but the multitude of small manufacturers went away. Then UPS decided to use the central location of Louisville as its North American air hub and things started changing again. A different business climate came to pass; logistics. This and a good interstate highway system re-established Louisville as a commercial center. When we came on the scene in 1992, this transformation was still picking up steam, now it is in flight; or at least it was until the current economic crisis occurred in October 2008. The consensus is that this is a set back and not an end. Commercial development is slowed but will resume when the time is right.

In addition to UPS and the core manufacturing provided by Ford and GE, there is the medical industry which is huge here. They are supported, sustained by two fine Universities and cooperation among the three big economic drivers and the U’s is good. It replaces the support that the entreprenurial owners of yesteryear gave to the business community.

The trust fund babies are still haunting the community because they have a lot of money and power. There are infrastructure issues that are stymied by vested interests; the I265 bridge over the Ohio River is the most obvious. Any threat to their bucolic lifestyle is met with legal battles that prolong the process and serve no purpose other than to harass the project. There will be an I265 bridge, period but it will cost dearly just because this selfish group is standing in the way.

We made a good choice in coming here. I’ve been involved in the community, albeit in a minor way but more so than most. I’ve bemoaned my lack of imagination, lack of recognition, lack of self-marketing enough for the reader to know that I am what is holding me back. Well me and the fact that I am here only since 1992 and seen as a small business person without repute. My credentials are not known nor appreciated and my one attempt at becomming the paid director of a community organization was not successful. Yet we live the good life; currently shackled but relatively happy.

Changing Attitudes

It is now 4:45pm on Friday; it may be we or it may be mom but in either case she has taken a turn for the better. If it’s we, it’s because we’ve had the visiting nurse here and the physical therapist and both of us feel better about the situation; feel that we are doing the right things and avoiding the wrong. I added a daily to my list: “Mistakes are avoided because I am vigilant.” If it’s mom it is because she is feeling more confident, perhaps getting through a combination of feeling like she’s a burden and/or even a little self-pity. When I asked her yesterday, “Do you want me to send for the priest?” She said no, to which I said, “I’ll ask you again later.”

There’s a little history that goes along with using this question, this strategy. She sent for the priest for my grandfather Lina and he died shortly thereafter. My grandmother was most upset with my mother for having done so; claimed it hastened his death. I know mom remembers this because it is she who told me the story. It could be, therefore, that she now thinks that the visit by the priest is the last act. By changing her attitude, ever so slightly, she is telling me that she’s not ready to die. This is quite a change from the day before yesterday when she asked me, “Why can’t you just shoot me?”

The question on my mind is, why doesn’t she die? She is a being with a Master, Driver (Steward), Personae, Brain-body, and a link to Essence. As such, she is in this Brain-body until she is finished with it; then she can move on and take on another when she is ready. The fact that she is still alive can be interpreted to mean she isn’t finished yet. Perhaps there is/are a lesson still to be taught to those around her, including me. I have certainly been trying to understand more and more the why’s and wherefore’s of this whole situation.

She is rewarding me by living longer because dealing with the situation of tending to her needs causes me to reconcile myself to the effort and not look for reward, appreciation, or approval. It is something I have to do out of honor, duty, and responsibility. This realization is new. I have been grating under the burden of her being here and the stinginess of my sister and to a lesser extent brother-in-law. Until now I have resented the fact that they have contributed minimally to her support; and when I say minimally I mean zero money, zero appreciation, and an “attitude” about even coming up here twice a year to be with her for a week or so while Carola and I go to visit our kids.

Now I see it for what it is, an opportunity for personal fulfillment and when it is over I will have the best of all possible rewards, for me anyway, that of self approval, i.e. able to have the solace of knowing that I did what I was supposed to do out of a sense of filial responsibility. I’ve become aware of my need for approval and the approval that is most important for me to have is my own. And one of the best rewards is not giving a care to what others do/don’t.

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We took mom to the bone doctor last week, our appointment was for 10:30am and it was afternoon when we finally got in to the consultation room and yet another hour waiting for him to come in; then he spent no more than 10 minutes with us/her and was gone. I was not happy about this; then I got to thinking about it, what and why. What else would I be doing for these few hours and why am I getting so upset?

The truth is I would be doing scant little of a productive nature because our whole life is absorbed with mom and her leg/knee at the moment. So there’s no reason to be all up in arms about waiting in a doctor’s office. The answer to the why is even more interesting. I was upset because someone else was in control of me. I couldn’t leave, couldn’t do anything else but wait while they continued their business, completely unconcerned about me and the fact that I was there. Once I realized these things, I was placated and at ease. The fury dissipated and I became tres calme.

These are two examples of what is happening more and more with me. It is a result of the daily, “Realizing that emotional responses are irrational, I am more objective,” and verifies the/underscores the influence of repeating them daily. It has/ and continues to take a long time to effect changes in responses, to reorient the personae to a more desirable response, to recognize the emotional response and negate it, to accentuate/ emphasize/ recognize/ give credence to the intellectual response. The next step, to articulate the objective response will come along naturally enough. The biggest hurdle to get over is/was giving sway to the emotional response.

The change of heart towards slavery that is noted in Abraham Lincoln and the contrast between him and G.W. Bush who gave no evidence of evolving in his thinking is not lost on me. It is the Abe Lincoln type model that I use to reflect on my experiences and change my attitudes towards issues, people, situations, and perceptions. This has made me sensitive to wanting to reconcile my feelings objectively; the daily, then the introspection, then the conclusion all form the pattern of development that I am happy to see happening.

It is important not to become Pollyannaish and forget there are those who will do me harm; who harbor hard feelings, envy, even jealousy towards me. Not knowing who they are makes me hold back overtures to those who are suspect and knowing some by name, makes me vigilant for the opportunity to make war or peace, as I deem appropriate.