Fitting In

“Here we are, on this plantation.” There seems to be two ways to open a thought; one is to get right into the action and the other is to lay out a conclusion and then defend/support it. I prefer the first because it seems to get the reader/audience into the scene and creates a bit of suspense. Then, perhaps, they are paying closer attention to what is being put forth as an idea.

Last night at the billiards club mixed eight ball league, an opportunity arose concerning Tim who had just been at our table cracking wise, showing off his wit. His beard/goatee reminded me of Bob Amos, of Hull Technical Department days, so I told the story. Bob came in one day with his beard, which looked just like Tim’s, shaved off; when I asked him why on earth he shaved it he said, “I woke up this morning with my finger in my mouth.” It brought the house down and Tim seemed to take it well. Tim is a teaser; he loves to display his wit but, as is always the case, there are those like me, who lie in wait for the right opportunity to display our own wit at the expense of the show-off.

At class the other night, one of the participants who makes his living interacting with people, was behaving badly. His posture was a signal that he would rather be elsewhere and his continuous mouthing of sunflower seeds and spitting the hulls into an empty soda bottle, not to mention his slightly more than occasional fingering of his Iphone was quite distracting/ disturbing to me, the instructor. This is an opportunity for me to use some of the same principles that are contained in the class I am teaching. Here we have an opportunity for (a) coaching or (b) handling a mistake. But before I go there I would like to expound my philosophy of organizational behavior.

(1) If you are going/sent to participate in s.t., then participate. If you don’t have a choice in the matter, i.e. your boss or company requires it, be circumspect enough to realize that your behavior is a reaction. If it is an emotional reaction, such as rebellion and therefore irrational, you would be well served to do the necessary to become objective in your choice of behaviors.

(2) Realize what how you look, i.e. how you are groomed and what you are wearing, is what everybody else sees and uses to make a value judgment of you. It connotes how you feel about yourself and how much respect you have for those with whom you will be. If you are uncertain, there is always an acceptable middle-ground, and if you’re clever enough you can prepare for almost any circumstance.

(3) Realize that your manner of speaking, like clothing, is also used by others to make judgments. It usually tips them off to your level of sophistication, education, and acceptability. All groups have a jargon; the more specialized the group the more sophisticated the jargon. This holds true for street gangs as well as nuclear physicists. People not of the group can’t understand what’s being said. At the extreme we have the matter of national languages, which could be the result of physical as well as social separation, where the separation allowed/ caused the development of a distinctive method of expressing thoughts.

For the matter of this discussion, when in a heterogeneous group the wise will use words and expressions that are generally acceptable and understood by the vast majority of those present. This doesn’t mean to speak down, or up, but rather across. If one maintains the polite social intercourse level, all can participate without discomfort and most will comply with that same standard.

In all of these cases, behavior, dress, and speech, we tend to lower our guard, ease our discipline as we get more and more comfortable with those with whom we are. As our relationship with the group strengthens our propensity to become lax increases , and this is usually our personal feeling and not necessarily shared by those whom we are. In other words, you think it’s ok to wear cutoffs and flip-flops because no one says anything about it but rest assured their image of you is affected by what they see and hear.

On the other hand there is the possibility that acceptance and belonging aren’t an issue, or even that they are areas of disdain, then one can choose behavior, clothing, and speech to further those aims. The result will be there, if that’s what you want it to be.

Publishing this will go a long ways toward easing my own reaction to the errant class member. The infractions are minor but distracting all the same. It hasn’t been an issue until now, except once when one chewed tobacco and spit into a bottle. The first time I saw it I took him aside and told him to lose the tobacco and the spittoon.

I will incorporate the following disclaimer in my classes at session one: We are all here to have an enjoyable and instructive experience. The success of the class depends entirely on my presentation, your reception, participation, willingness to share experiences, your arguments or questions when you disagree or don’t understand, and the comfort level of all of us in the class. If I see something that concerns me, that I feel is out of line in some way, how would you like me to approach you about it? I want you to have a meaningful experience so your answer to this is important to all of us.

Aside: this is one of the values of my notebooks and now this blog. It is similar to a counselor because articulating ideas seems to allow me to reach conclusions that are more objective and constructive than just “thinking” about it; and to express thoughts that may not be interesting to s.o. else.