Much of my time is spent observing myself, as if from an outside position to gauge my activities, appearance, and mien. Even with this I’m sure that what others see has little or no resemblance to what think I see. In fact, every other person who notices me, and there may be few who do, has his or her own opinion of what they see. And, like me, their opinion is influenced by how they are feeling about themselves at the moment, how the emotional impact of others’ reactions to them is lingering, and the many other things that color their judgment at that particular instant. But all of this is an annoying aside because what others think of me only matters at the time of formal notice to either interact, voice an opinion, make a selection, applaud (or boo), or cast a ballot.
The real matter of concern is how I feel about myself; how objectively I am observing me. It is only through objective self-observation that a true picture of who I am begins to emerge, like the positive print immersed in chemicals in a photo lab. One can only strive to have the development complete before this particular phase/age of the being remains unfinished. With an objective understanding of himself one can develop because he is not hindered with self-doubt.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about why people, including me, act/behave in one way or another. There is a list of reasons that generally range from avoiding death to experiencing euphoria as the ends of a continuum. There are two that are prominent for me, and I suppose lots of other people: (1) receiving approval and (2) avoiding disapproval.
When I think about these two I can reason their source, i.e. the influence of people to whom I gave deference as I grew out of childhood. The lingering emotional need for approval has a great deal of influence over what I say and do. It hasn’t been such a bad thing; I seem to be a respected member of the community. The need to get approval or avoid disapproval is always a factor in what I do. They are, however, often the primary factors and cause me to fail to achieve some goal or another, especially in competition.
This is interesting because it is an aspect of my behavior that is only now coming through the mist. There are two major sports for me, golf and pool. I have a certain level of skill in both of these and have performed brilliantly in each from time to time. Yet there are those who will offer me suggestions/advice on how to do this or that and it has an effect on my overall performance. I seem to give up my autonomy in the game and become subordinate to the “instructor.” While his advice may be good for this particular instance, taking that advice usurps my control over me and my game. It does this because I have an emotional, and therefore irrational, response to the interruption of my thought. This causes me to lose control of my game. The response that I have is derived from the way my father overpowered me emotionally as I was growing up. An objective response would allow me to get back on my own track for the game after this interruption instead of being derailed. Thank you for this insight.
A second observation that is only now coming into focus is the high level of emotional repression that is in place in me. When David Hershberg died, I could only sit with his wife Roberta and could not speak. I was fond of David and every attempt at saying something was stifled by a swelling of my throat in preparation for breaking down into uncontrolled crying. On every occasion when I am faced with the pitiful condition of my mother and her brave acceptance of her state and the way she perseveres through adversity, the same welling up of emotion occurs. This has been happening for 30 years, since I became aware of her mortality. Whenever I am faced with a situation that is near and dear to my heart, I have this swelling of emotion that occurs. It happens in patriotic, family, competitive, and affectionate situations.
Quite the opposite occurs in confrontational situations. One extreme occasion was on a dark, isolated two lane, road on the way from Charles De Gaul airport one night. I was driving along; the only other car on the road came towards me, blinking his lights furiously. I stopped my car, got out, and exhibited an aggressive posture towards the driver and only occupant. He explained, in French that I could barely understand, that my headlights were out of adjustment. That could have been a life threatening confrontation but I didn’t seem to care; I was on the offense. This happens often in relationships, with acquaintances, business dealings, and even after observing others with whom I have only a causal relationship, over-the- counter.
So what I am seeing is highly emotional responses to love and hate situations and a lack of objectivity in dealing with them. There doesn’t seem to be a mechanism in my psyche for dealing with extremes on this line. No amount of “intellectualizing” seems to overcome my emphatic and extreme reactions to these polar situations. My only salvation is to separate from them, either by not responding, as in not attempting to speak, or by quitting the field before I do something irreparable; although sometimes, as in the back road incident, I go on the offensive without reflection.
I recite a daily, “Realizing that emotional responses are irrational, I am more objective.” It is my hope that over time this will become ingrained in my psyche and allow me to express deep feelings and react more reasonably in confrontational situations. This and self observation will have its effect eventually. They seem to be my only recourse.
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