Getting to Acting

September 24, 2009

My sensitivity reared its ugly head yesterday when Jim Schorche questioned me on the term Napoleonic complex. He said it referred to a type of narcissism where the person seeks to be the center of attention even if it is a harmful bit of attention that he gets. My sensitivity was piqued by the question because it related to the contents of my play and his assertion that the play may have been biographical.

Admitted, it is based on characters and happenings of my time at NNI but not so in detail, IOW the events didn’t happen the way they’re written. The reference to Napoleonic complex was to a short man, i.e. Earl, who has a need to make his presence felt to combat physical inferiority; not narcissism. So that leaves his reference to same to be an oblique reference to s.t. that I either have or am experiencing.

Then I am further offended because I can readily see that what he described was the malady from which my father suffered. He would endure the most offensive personal attacks and say the most outrageous things just to get the spotlight put on him. This behavior put him in a bad light but he didn’t mind as long as he was the center of attention. He would make up unverifiable facts and interpret historical events to suit his purposes and because of his senior stature would not hear of contradiction. He did the same with philosophical arguments; all to keep the spotlight on him.

Now Jim couldn’t know about pop, nor could he know Earl’s actual behavior but he made a sideways reference about narcissism. One has to ask; does it ring alarm because it is true somehow? Well, yes I do seek the spotlight; it makes me feel important, appreciated, and approved. Sometimes I get it because I’m there, my presence, my way of looking at people; sometimes I get it because of a well timed remark conveying a fact overlooked by others, sometimes I even resort to my father’s tactics but then retreat as soon as I become aware of what I’m doing. Even my going to see Jim Schorche weekly can be interpreted as narcissistic because, objectively, I don’t have a problem except that like Montaigne, I may be a bit bored.

There is a “Catch 22” here. In order to do the work, i.e. develop the being, it would seem that one has to engage in a good bit of self-analysis, which by definition is inner-considering and imagination. Yet it seems impossible to take a look at me without doing some of this. Imagination is a tool of the brain; left unattended, uncontrolled, to its own devices, it is a distraction but directed along the lines of analyzing what is going on it is a prelude to reasoning which is a prelude to decision making.

Inner-considering is likewise a distraction if it is not used constructively. One can get so engrossed in his treatment by others and taking offense or sustenance from it that he loses his attention to what is going on around him an thus is in distraction. But when looking at himself as objectively as possible, it becomes a tool that can be used for advancing the development of the being.

If I’ve succumbed to narcissism by trying to develop with the help of an objective third party, then I’m wasting my time. I don’t think I have, I don’t know if Jim is hinting at it or not so I’ll ask him next time round.

My whole purpose in going to him is to have some objective third party input on what to do next and how to achieve that without wasting a lot of time. His techniques so far have been to visualize, in a pseudo self-hypnotic state, and to imagine myself as already having the necessary critical resource(s) for achieving what I want.

The hypnosis is fine; it seems to produce results when I use it to visualize my desired state as described by the thirty-three dailies. I’ve used it daily since and have “input” the first eight. I may now pick and chose from the rest to get the more important “input” sooner than later.

I can use the second technique, to which I will refer as resource-imagination, to similarly recognize that I have the necessary attributes, skills, and contacts to get what I want. These two techniques will give me the right mental framework for achievement but I recognize now that it is likewise important to be able to play a good game, not just be able to talk a good game. Furthermore, it takes hard work, dedication, and perseverance to have the ability to perform and this takes time. Exposure and training in these and other techniques may shorten the process as did/does the Dale Carnegie Course.

If it is going to be acting, then act, take classes, and perform whenever the opportunity presents itself. Aha! This may be the source of the suspected narcissism. My own statement that I need an audience to hear me, see me, and read me would say that I am simply seeking the limelight. That isn’t really the case. “Oscar” could be narcissistic but there are so many others of me in here that he gets out only when it is proper that he do so. Oscar is the one who likes to perform, he is the narcissistic one but he’s held in check by many others who are more reasonable and eschew possible embarrassment; and it is precisely this reasonableness that holds back the actor; it is also a product of inner-considering of the distractive kind.

So, to where do I go with all of this? One thing for sure, I/we must give Oscar more free rein, i.e. say yes to opportunities; another is to approach the acting as I have billiards and golf where one must study, practice, play, and compete. Acting is likewise an acquired skill; in a systemic analysis it is: (1) find, (2) audition, (3) learn lines, (4) rehearse, and (5) perform.

Stumbling Around

Wednesday September 23, 2009

This afternoon at 4:45 I’ll be meeting with Jim Schorche again to proceed along the lines of finding out what to do next. The idea of acting keeps coming up but the thought of auditioning, even fulfilling the requirements of putting my application in to a talent agency is daunting.

I saw an apprentice program offered by Actor’s Theater. It seems to be aimed at youth, but I can’t make that assumption. I would be the ugly duckling yet again in an acting situation should I be selected for same. And yet this is what I am in every class day at UofL.

The thought of doing other than acting in a theater setting is not something that appeals to me at all. I wouldn’t be satisfied to be less than on stage. So I put an application into Heyman Talent Agency and submitted a character picture of me as Haley in UTC. Who knows what will come out of this. I am convinced that it will take more than submitting such; it seems to require some more than the systematic approach for getting accepted into anything.

In every situation in my life where I was interested in joining up with some organization it took more than an application to do so. This includes BSA, NNS, Wm &Mary, Tenneco, Executrain, UofL, BCofL, and Midland Trail GC. So it won’t be any different for me to be associated successfully with Heyman Talent Agency. I also need to enroll in Acting II for the spring semester. This will put me in the arena once again. My Achilles heel seems to be memorizing lines but I think this will get easier as I do more.

It is interesting that I can’t seem to get myself to memorize for the sake of it; I need to be able to recite those lines. This was/is true for Putievil, Psalter, R&J, UTC, and others. I don’t have the incentive to memorize without the performance/ recitation in front of a group. I think this is one of the bugaboos of the audition/ application process. I’m doing things without the required performance. I memorized the “All the World’s a Stage” for the audition and it was lack luster.

The possibility of working in Adult Education once again has arisen from a phone call made by Jeff Owens, with or without the knowledge of Diane Ernst. It seems that he thinks the program is in trouble, Diane is distracted with personal problems, and the person now doing my classes is not doing a very good job. This may be something on which to follow up. I’ll talk it over with Jim Schorche today. I have to remember that Diane may not know about Jeff’s call. In movies about acting it seems to have been stressed that the actor be employed somehow when not acting. The AE job would be good for this because it is part-time and never expected to be full time. It could be worked around the LTM and trips to Evansville, around acting classes, around whatever else is going on except travel for extensive periods, which I will probably not be doing.

So, AE becomes time filler. Do I need time fillers? I have 18 endeavors upon which I spend my time now; do I need another? This one is for pay, but then I don’t really need to be paid, do I? It would bring me into contact with others, now this is a plus because almost all of my endeavors don’t. Admitted that golf, pool, and French do so but not the others. Then there are the relationship bugaboos that crop up. These are inherent in any and all contact that I have with others. I am misanthropic to a great degree, I don’t like anyone very much, I’m critical and judgmental, especially with respect to women whom I don’t know or know and don’t like. I suppose I have some feelings of inferiority, unfounded as they may be, and this causes me to be the way I am.

Oddly, I know that I am unique but feel that others think I am inferior until I prove myself otherwise. In fact, nobody gives a second thought to me. But then I see evidence of others being less than accepting of me; best example is Dick. He puts on the front of being my friend but has engaged in some less than flattering remarks about me to others. This is his way of assuaging his own sense of self worth. Like I said previously, my life is not interesting enough to others to be of note to anyone else.

If this is the case, and I’m sure it is, why do I even give the slightest consideration to what others may be thinking. First of all, they aren’t thinking about me; second of all if they have a poor opinion of me that isn’t going to change without them seeing some evidence to the contrary. I suppose trying to make something happen is when it becomes important. Letting something happen is a whole lot easier than trying to make something happen. Charlie is trying to make something happen over in Evansville and he’s struggling. Companies everywhere are trying to make something happen and are facing the same problems. It takes time, money, patience, cleverness, and a lot of dedicated effort to try to make it rain. And then it rains because the conditions are right and not because of anything anyone did.

Oh well, I’m not getting anywhere with all of this. If I pick my fight, I get beat; if I let the fight come to me, I’m not satisfied with it; and if I don’t do anything, there’s a good possibility that nothing will happen. The world will keep turning and people will keep milling about but without me participating in the fray. That’s what it boils down to, I want to participate; I see acting as a way of doing it satisfactorily; I don’t want relationships beyond the immediate task at hand; yet I want friends and acquaintances that are satisfying to meet some need for acceptance and approval.

Direction

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Yesterday was the second meeting I had with my counselor and I am a little unsure of him. It almost seems that he has a predetermined prescription for me and is not very interested in the details of my thinking or my life. Well, this may be a good thing because I am interested in an objective third party and not necessarily a pal. It is, however, a little disappointing that I am not interesting enough to generate a desire to know more about me. This is the story of my life, not interesting enough to want to know more. C’est la vie, literally.

One benefit from this meeting was an exercise he/we did in visualizing an intended outcome. He had me imagine that I was in a theater, once through the doors I was to take my seat in a comfortable place, and the lights dimmed for the performance. The curtain went up and there I was on stage, acting. The role I played was of my own choosing and I took Sinclair of UTC. Acting opposite was Tiffany and she was missing her lines to me; I was catching same and getting back to her in context without allowing the audience to know that we were ad lib mode. The visual that he had me create included feelings, smells, etc. The more vivid and real I could make it the better/deeper the impression and the effect.

This morning I took it a step farther; in bed, before arising, I went through this same process for the first of my dailies, “Greeting this day with love in my heart, I am nicer.” The results were evident; I had a certain sense of being so all day, even until now. It seems that I could do this for each of my dailies in turn, one per day and keep repeating the process over and over. Eventually the desired states of mind represented by each of them will become real to me. In the meantime, I will continue to recite the entire list daily since that is what keeps me on track during the day; visualization will deepen the effect considerably.

There was more. Earlier in the session he listened to my kvetching about being unsuccessful in interviews and auditions. He said it could be that I was over or felt under-prepared and, therefore, lacked spontaneity. This rang a bell; often I am/was/have experienced a mental lock-up in an interview when I am trying to anticipate the interviewer’s direction. I let my impressions of what I think the other is after get in the way of my answers.

Jim recalled to me my successful interviews and lack of preparedness v. my unsuccessful where much time was spent in preparation. He said that perhaps I was overdoing the preparation. This fits right into a recent insight that I had. There is an analogy between this and a cross-country trial on horseback.

The rider can walk the course, measure the distances, envision the strides and the take-off points but the horse cannot see the course before the competition. He has to take each obstacle under the hand of the rider as it comes up to him. So too would the being prepare for an audition/interview; have a strategy in mind and not a script. The more strategic the preparation, i.e. less scripted, the more flexibility one has when in the audition. This is also an opportunity to apply visualization to “set” the strategy and give the personae maximum flexibility in the execution of the interview.

It is necessary to be ready to accept rejection without recrimination. IyamwotIyam and if that’s not good enough, so be it. One can’t be so focused on getting the part, job, or sale that his mind is strapped in too tightly. Some of my failed interviews fit this pattern, one failed for lack of strategy, one failed because an interviewer had an ax to grind, and for some, I just wasn’t the person for the part. The successful had a specific goal, e.g. NNS&DD Co, and then go for it.

Another analogy that works is the director of a play, in his director’s notes session at the end of each rehearsal as he makes his direction known in more than the stage direction he gave during rehearsal; then in the private sessions where he takes the actor aside and schools him in his role. The personae then know how to perform, how to act as they go about the world that day. This is that which visualization provides.

In a Gurdjieffian sense, the brain is part of the body and the personae are the riders of the analogous horse, or actors for the analogous director. The visualized states of being are those decided upon by higher level personae as desired states. The visualization is setting the mood for the performing personae.

All of this gets me closer to one of my aims, which is to have my thoughts, words, and actions reflect the ideals of my dailies. It will likewise move me to identifying more clearly what I want to do with my remaining lifetime. When I reflect on this I keep coming back to acting. I said it to Jim, I have lost my desire to trust others in organizations, but in a cast of players, it is my experience that one can trust his fellow actors to play their role as it is defined in the play. So I can participate in an organized creative activity and expect good results. The cast is dedicated to the performance and not personal aggrandizement or greed. This is one big difference between acting and business that makes it palatable to me; plus being in front of an audience and doing that of which the vast majority of others are fearful.

Like pool, golf, and sketching it is a skill that requires a lot of dedicated effort, work.

Next Steps

Friday, August 27, 2009

Ok, the funeral is over and it is now time to get on with the rest of my life. I will take a few minutes now to reflect on that and then on Sunday I will go into my usual plotting and scheming mode and begin to turn the ship.

There is another possibility and that would be to get away and reflect, say at Bernheim or Jefferson Memorial Forest. I did this several times in the past, at Wm and Mary, at Berheim, and at a retreat house in Hampton VA; always with good results.

A third approach is to bring it up in conversation with people. It isn’t necessary to know them very well, only that they be good sounding boards for me for while. It can be a two way street for me and for them. I’ll have this opportunity tonight at the ball game with Dick and Lori. There is a reason to do all three and take the net results from all of them to decide the rte to take. So this is what I will do.

Wondering what people think of me is a form of vanity, well, it is vanity. Much of what I say and do is done with an eye toward making an image. Yet I am more aware of the fact that (1) people don’t notice my overt actions and (2) people see a sample of many actions and reach their own conclusions. I have a PR man persona who thinks he’s been developing an image when in fact others have formed their own image of me, the total being, which probably doesn’t come close to matching what the PR man’s been trying to promote.

This PR man effort needs to be squashed right away. It sprang from my feelings of failure at Rolla in 1958. Due to that catastrophe, and subsequent emotional response to it, it was felt necessary to promote an image of intelligence and savoir faire to offset the image of one who flunked out of school. Almost everything that has been said and done, has been is from this strategy.

It hasn’t been a total failure. The jobs I’ve had came out of it, the knowledge I’ve acquired and my gentle mien have likewise. The violent and aggressive personae have not been killed and surfaced from time to time. They were probably observed and noted by some.

That’s the truth of it. All aspects of one’s behavior are noted by others and opinions are formed. There is no controlling those opinions formed by others, it happens. So my efforts at developing an image have been for my own purposes and not others’ even though that’s what I wanted. I look around me now and I like what I see; house, yard, furnishings (largely Carola’s choices), electronics, records, capabilities, manners, clothes, habits, and even cars. “Seeing where I am and the direction I am heading, I feel good about me.”

The specter of others’ opinion, however, is real. Rejection, disapproval, failure to get a result, weighs heavily on me. There is an emotional reaction to these (and they can be any one or all of the above) that causes me a great deal of angst. My reactions are sometimes different but generally seem to fall/ or be guided by two sets of conditions. The first is —how much control do I/did I have on this outcome? The answer to this determines the follow on actions that I take. The second is—how clearly do I see / how capable am I to do what is necessary to achieve a favorable outcome. If I can see that, and have confidence that I can succeed in regaining the good graces, favor, and/or ameliorate the situation with those involved, I will formulate a plan and work at it. If not, I am more than likely to cut my losses and run/abandon the course of action.

There is also the relative importance of the desired end result. In instances where heroic effort was required to overcome a failure, and where the failure would be more devastating than work required to set it right, then I was willing to make that effort.

In all cases, those personae who think things through make an assessment of value—desired end result v. the chance/probability of success. They do the math and propose a course of action, go—nogo. When the decision made is nogo; the whole thing is abandoned w/o regret. When go; the work begins and is stubbornly pursued. Only exhaustion causes a reversal.

Long spans of lifetime have been spent salvaging failed attempts. I’d venture to say more than pursuing original ideas. But then original ideas not easily attained, or not seeing the work necessary to achieve them, are what led to the failures in the 1st place. So it is safe to say that some things take longer to achieve when knowledge and guidance are lacking.

I am at such a juncture now. I have this notion about acting. I am under the impression that I didn’t make the cut for As You Like It. Do I double down or walk away? Simple question—no answer. If I walk away, how far do I go; away from UofL, including my current class? IOW what else would I do? Still there is no answer.

There is a world of opportunity awaiting no matter what decision is made. I have a structure in place, i.e. UofL, Louisville, Rotary, endeavors, family, and me. How much of it do I retain? Which aspect do I emphasize? There are choices to select another/different structure, location, do I?

I was here in 1991, in this situation, on terminal leave from JICase. I made a decision to come to Louisville and open Executrain. It was an emotional decision that had less than spectacular results. Now would be a good time to sort through the events of these years; then until even now. Is there anything to be learned? There were other major junctures: 1958, 1963, 1969, 1991, 2000, and now. So, I have some work to do.

The Funeral of My Mother

Sunday August 23, 2009

Mom was buried on August 20th, next to my father's body and Sally's, over her parents' and brother Fred's. I haven’t written since so I will, about the funeral and events before and after.

People flew in and drove from Chicago IL, Atlanta, Clarkesville, and Decatur GA, Orlando,and Louisville. We all gathered Wednesday night at Yacovelli's for dinner. The family was there and we enjoyed the meal and each other’s company. I think Betty Jane and Linda were there as well as Ronnie to show support for Carola.

Then on Thursday there was the funeral. More distant family and friends were there. The visitation was in the back of Church just prior to mass, then the mass. There were eulogies at Mass. I made one based on Shakespeare and gave mom’s life seven ages: youngster, schoolgirl, professional woman, wife and mother, grandmother, care-giver, and matriarch. I ended it saying she now knows something the rest of us don't, what happens at death; and if there is a life hereafter, and I think there is, I’m sure she’s smiling down on these proceedings. Carola told a nice story, Maggie went through a litany of memories, and Jane said a few sentences.

Father Buhr, pastor at OLHC, gave a nice homily. He compared being born from a mother’s womb to life, to dying and being born to eternal life. Don K was particularly impressed with it, remarking about it later.

The entourage drove through English Grove in route to the cemetery, where there was a graveside service. The day was sunny and cool for August and I’m sure mom smiled down on it all.

Thence to Cristo’s where all who had a desire to do so ate lunch, my treat. There was enough cash left over in mom’s checking account to cover it and the extra funeral expenses. There were about 30 people there for lunch. A few others had eulogies to say at Cristo’s; JoeM and Freddie said some nice things about mom. John couldn’t find his voice in his grief nor could anyone else.

I sit here congratulating myself on my fine family and our ability to perform. I feel like the leader of it and that Carola and the kids have developed their skills on my example. When John married we did the Lina Family skit; when Don and Maggie married we roasted Maggie/and me; now at Mom’s funeral we also performed.

I haven’t gone into the detail that this funeral situation deserves. It may be the circumstances around mom’s death; it may be the kids being here, it may be that I’m discombobulated all around. I want to do and I want to idle. So far to do has conquered to idle.

I made my plans for the week and I have lots to do. Class starts on Tuesday and continues until Xmas. Rotary club meets on Tuesday, each week, auditions are Tuesday and Wednesday, Sean and Marykate are here and we could ride. We may have a second round playoff match on Wednesday evening, the French Conversation club meets on Thursday, the grass need cutting, and I have to shop at Sam’s. The Fair goes on all week and I’ll go after class at least on Tuesday if not Thursday as well. Maggie and I will play golf tomorrow and again on Wednesday. There are movies to watch and Sudoku to be played as well as a list of daily and weekly tasks to perform. I’m eschewing cooking but will probably end up doing it.

And here we are at the fundamental juncture once again. I have 15 years minimum of good, solid, productive, lifetime. Time in which/during which I could accomplish much development; could even transfigure. I am proceeding somewhat with acting; this is a natural for me. I can say my endeavors “what” for it: audition, learn lines, rehearse, perform, and see that process has to be followed for all the endeavors. My main objective is to develop my endeavors to levels that are appropriate.

I am sufficiently diffused that I will probably never be a guru, in my mind or in the mind of others. Yet I can see that just as G’s mirror reflects my faults as seen in others, others respond/respect me in direct proportion to how much they see me respecting myself. If I feel like a loser, others see me feeling as such and treat me accordingly. A person is treated by others the way they interpret how/what they see the person treating himself. And all the acting in the world cannot keep them from seeing it—sooner or later.

I get an A+ for the way I handled the funeral and me. If such can be a success, this was a resounding.

Before and After Mom's Death

The following several entries are from a notebook I use when outside or away. They are August 14, 16, and 17. They overlap a little with Blog entry 29, entitled Death, but I want to get it down herein.

Friday August 14, 2009

At least it isn’t Friday the 13th. As usual the primary thing on my mind is Mom’s condition. For yesterday and today she has tanked physically. She slept all day both days, at least so far today. I am at a loss for what to do. I’ve been wrong so many times in the past. It could be the end or it could be the lull that would be solved with an enema. I think to panic and call 911 would be a mistake. She is 100 years 8 months old and peacefully slipping away—or not. If she goes into a hospital, she will die, that’s my opinion. Who am I? I am the decision maker and will have to stand the heat if it comes on.

We have another complication, and for this one I made a call, i.e. a bedsore. She has a raw spot at the base of her spine right at the top of the skin fold of her butt. It is pretty bad. We found it this morning. Carola slathered it with ointment after cleaning it with hydrogen peroxide. I called the Dr’s office and got a tepid response although they usually come through.

I look at Mom; she’s sitting right here, and see s.o. who doesn’t want to go on. She’s expressed this time and again plus her whole attitude is saying the same thing. She slips in and out of being awake and not; when she awakens she continues her dream; wants to know if we’re up or down; are we going home; calls for Eddie; asks questions that are off the wall.

When I try to engage her, she rallies just slightly, then sinks back into oblivion. She isn’t eating, she had an egg and cereal for breakfast and I can’t get anything else into her.

Should I call Barbara? I’ll wait. They were here a while back and there isn't much, if anything they can do. They were here a just a short time ago. It is now past 5pm and I have to get going on supper although mom won’t eat anyway. I’m going to fix s.t. new. I usually write a lot more but there isn’t much more to say about this.

Sunday August 16, 2009

That fateful day came to pass yesterday. Mom died over the night of August 14/15. As I reflect on putting her to bed Friday evening, I recall her mien as that of one who simply couldn’t go any farther, she was finished. In my heart I knew it and was awake until 4am on a sort of vigil.

All the proprieties were handled yesterday and the body removed for embalming and transport to St. Louis, to be buried with all the appropriate rites of the RCC, next to that of her husband. It is the beginning of a new chapter in my and Carola’s lives. This is the purpose of this entry; what to do now? There is a philosophy, approach, strategy, to take/make/follow; it is to do s.t. and be careful not to get so deeply engaged in anything that you’re stuck. In an athletic sense, take it one game at a time but do play.

This next week will be taken up with details of the funeral, then Maggie will be here for a few days with Sean and Marykate, I don’t know about the others. Then next week there’s the KY state fair; a few visits there are always fun. After that school starts and auditions for a play. Then we’re into fall; football, school, and maybe rehearsals. Then the Holidays and reset for 2010.

Mom being gone takes away my anchor. It is as if we have been moored here for seven plus years and now the anchor is cut. The analogy works. The option to move was not considered because of the work and disruption entailed. We would only have done so if it was necessary/required/no other option available. Now that the anchor is gone—a dumpster, estate sale, house auction, and we’re out of here. It would behoove us not to be precipitous. OTOH it is wise to be open to possibilities. When someone as close as mom was to us is suddenly although not unexpectedly taken away, the popular wisdom is to wait a year before doing anything drastic. Well, I’d say a good long time if not a year. One could view this as an opportunity to make a change. My take on it is yes; it is that and care need be taken to assure that whatever changes made are desirable in the long term. So stay active and involved but not obligated. No long term debt that isn’t secured.

The economy is bottomed out; there is change in the air; there is a world out there and in here that begs to be seen/developed. Appetites are controlled/ even repressed, debts are current, schedules are open, dailies bespeak a desired mien, Carola is willing; I am capable, strong, and healthy. Get ready, get set, and go— where? Ah yes, it seems to come back to this each time the curtain opens. There is a stage and an audience but I don’t have a play.

Monday August 17, 2009

It’s time to sit and reflect. We’ve notified just about everyone we of whom we can think and I’m sure there are more. We will call as they come to mind.

I played with a guy I recognized, his name is Dave. I initiated conversation about mom’s death and how I felt that an anchor had been released. He didn’t offer anything but being able to talk about it with s.o. was good for me. I had 3 pars and a birdie for 9 holes.

When I called Charlie Eubank this a.m., I had a tough time of it. He is so solicitous and I am/was on the border line of breaking down in sobs. I may need that still.

I am keeping my own counsel about people and situations. I don’t know what to think about any of it. I want to be left alone with it; yet I want to talk about it. We made all the arrangements and are sticking to plan; one exception: when I found out that the obituaries would cost almost $800 I opted to change them to the $44 minimum insertion. In my heart I know that’s right, mom trained me well. I am deferring judgment on C’s sisters until after the funeral. Then I’ll decide.

Maggie will be here tomorrow with our distractions, Sean and Marykate, for several days. This will be fun and good. Then we start school but Carola could go to CA to help Theresa who is having it rough. I’m ok here now without having to care for mom. John, Shannon, and Kirsten will be at the funeral.

We got to StL on Wednesday a.m. The funeral is on Thursday. Depending on who attends a lunch afterwards, mom will treat, except the alcohol. I’ll bring Barb’s annuity; she’ll want that. For other matters I will call her and we’ll arrange a convenient time for them to come up; or not, it’s up to her.

Mom's Death

It’s six in the evening and I’m doing this to be doing something. I need to take my mind off of what happened here this morning and writing a blog is a good way to reconcile, accept, and get used to the idea that Mom is dead. Carola came in to awaken me at 10 a.m. saying that she thought Mom died; she was cold to the touch and there was no pulse or breath. I went back to her to check it out and that’s the way it was. I called 911 and reported it, saying there was no emergency that my mother died in her sleep; they sent people out right away.

Mom fell in the bathroom on June 24; her knee bothered her quite a bit so we took her to the emergency room at Baptist East, on Breckenridge and Kresge where they found a broken bone just below her knee. It was from then that she needed full support, wheel chair, potty chair, and to be lifted into bed; her power recliner was a god-send. We had a visiting nurse to make sure we were doing things correctly, a physical therapist to do likewise, and made three trips to the bone doctor to follow-up on her mending.

She was subdued for the first two weeks, and then began slipping mentally. She would call out for Eddie, her deceased husband, and more than once had conversations with people who weren’t visible to us. At one point, a few days ago she said, matter-of-factly, “I think I’m losing my mind.” One other time she said, “I’m blind, you know.” She became more and more reclusive even though we sat with her for long periods of time; talking to her but not getting much of a response. It was my custom to sit with her every night, even from before any of this happened, and watch Wheel of Fortune, then Jeopardy, then the O’Reilly Factor, and on Saturday night to watch the BBC programs, Last of the Summer Wine and Keeping Up Appearances. We continued this but she was less and less engaged, couldn’t see and had difficulty hearing. For the past several days, she would have her eyes open, mouth open, and face pointed upward to the ceiling.

On Wednesday, we had Dan, a physical therapist, come over to get her back on her legs; she was ok for that. When we came home on Thursday Angela, from Elder Care Professionals, was sitting with her, simply holding her hand; Mom was in that face-up position. It registered with me that we were in the end-time. On Friday she was almost completely non-responsive. I had to place her on the potty, which she used infrequently this day, and keep urging her to drink, eat, and stay awake.

In order to quantify the situation; I would say that she was 100% before June 24, then after an initial low period came back to 80% by the end of July, then on Wednesday she was 75%; Thursday 50% and Friday 20% in the morning, 10 % in the afternoon and 5% when she went to bed. I didn’t expect her to make it through the night. I was up until 4 a.m., couldn’t sleep, and checked on her often. I even said, “She hasn’t moved a muscle,” although she was breathing at 1 a.m.; then at four when I felt that I could finally go to sleep, I didn’t note her condition except that she hadn’t moved. Then Carola came in at 10 a.m. and awakened me.

The two EMS men that came were professional, thankfully they didn’t dwell on the event but talked about other things going on in their lives and filled in their report form on a pc. They left when Darrell Spurgeon, LMPD arrived, he got some details from them, did his report, showed us his I phone and generally waited with us until the Coroner’s office arrived. Rita Taylor, assistant coroner, originally from Florissant Missouri, came and did her examination of the body.

When she came out of the room she told us that Mom had suffered a heart attack, her hands and expression were relaxed so although it was severe enough to kill her it was not a painful death. She was most complimentary on the way we had taken care of her, what she saw in the house and her room. While she was here she dropped her pager and lost all the calls but was able to refresh them with the help of her dispatcher. She stayed with us until we were sure that the funeral service company was on the way.

So far there had been an EMS vehicle, a police car, and a coroner’s car here at different times but each overlapping the previous. Now there were none. Carola was able to get her hair appointment changed to now and she left. This left me here alone with Mom’s body for a while. It was ok with me; I made an entry into my daily log.

After a while, a white mini-hearse came into the driveway. Two people came to the door, a woman named Janet and a middle aged, sad looking fellow named Brad. They came in, expressed their condolences, and went in to look at the body. It was covered to the neck with the sheet and blanket Mom had used during the night, she almost looked alive. They weren’t hurried, brought in the gurney and, voila, it was too long to make the turn into the bedroom. They lifted the body enclosed in a white sheet, after stretching arms and legs to release the rigor mortis, and carried it to the gurney. They then covered it with a dark cloth, after asking me if it was ok, and out the front door it went, into the hearse and gone.

Now the house is empty. It feels strange, as does going back to Mom’s rooms and seeing that she’s gone. I feel sad; it was her time, she knew it, she went willingly into the void. Now she knows or it doesn't really matter.