This afternoon at 4:45 I’ll be meeting with Jim Schorche again to proceed along the lines of finding out what to do next. The idea of acting keeps coming up but the thought of auditioning, even fulfilling the requirements of putting my application in to a talent agency is daunting.
I saw an apprentice program offered by Actor’s Theater. It seems to be aimed at youth, but I can’t make that assumption. I would be the ugly duckling yet again in an acting situation should I be selected for same. And yet this is what I am in every class day at UofL.
The thought of doing other than acting in a theater setting is not something that appeals to me at all. I wouldn’t be satisfied to be less than on stage. So I put an application into Heyman Talent Agency and submitted a character picture of me as Haley in UTC. Who knows what will come out of this. I am convinced that it will take more than submitting such; it seems to require some more than the systematic approach for getting accepted into anything.
In every situation in my life where I was interested in joining up with some organization it took more than an application to do so. This includes BSA, NNS, Wm &Mary, Tenneco, Executrain, UofL, BCofL, and Midland Trail GC. So it won’t be any different for me to be associated successfully with Heyman Talent Agency. I also need to enroll in Acting II for the spring semester. This will put me in the arena once again. My Achilles heel seems to be memorizing lines but I think this will get easier as I do more.
It is interesting that I can’t seem to get myself to memorize for the sake of it; I need to be able to recite those lines. This was/is true for Putievil, Psalter, R&J, UTC, and others. I don’t have the incentive to memorize without the performance/ recitation in front of a group. I think this is one of the bugaboos of the audition/ application process. I’m doing things without the required performance. I memorized the “All the World’s a Stage” for the audition and it was lack luster.
The possibility of working in Adult Education once again has arisen from a phone call made by Jeff Owens, with or without the knowledge of Diane Ernst. It seems that he thinks the program is in trouble, Diane is distracted with personal problems, and the person now doing my classes is not doing a very good job. This may be something on which to follow up. I’ll talk it over with Jim Schorche today. I have to remember that Diane may not know about Jeff’s call. In movies about acting it seems to have been stressed that the actor be employed somehow when not acting. The AE job would be good for this because it is part-time and never expected to be full time. It could be worked around the LTM and trips to Evansville, around acting classes, around whatever else is going on except travel for extensive periods, which I will probably not be doing.
So, AE becomes time filler. Do I need time fillers? I have 18 endeavors upon which I spend my time now; do I need another? This one is for pay, but then I don’t really need to be paid, do I? It would bring me into contact with others, now this is a plus because almost all of my endeavors don’t. Admitted that golf, pool, and French do so but not the others. Then there are the relationship bugaboos that crop up. These are inherent in any and all contact that I have with others. I am misanthropic to a great degree, I don’t like anyone very much, I’m critical and judgmental, especially with respect to women whom I don’t know or know and don’t like. I suppose I have some feelings of inferiority, unfounded as they may be, and this causes me to be the way I am.
Oddly, I know that I am unique but feel that others think I am inferior until I prove myself otherwise. In fact, nobody gives a second thought to me. But then I see evidence of others being less than accepting of me; best example is Dick. He puts on the front of being my friend but has engaged in some less than flattering remarks about me to others. This is his way of assuaging his own sense of self worth. Like I said previously, my life is not interesting enough to others to be of note to anyone else.
If this is the case, and I’m sure it is, why do I even give the slightest consideration to what others may be thinking. First of all, they aren’t thinking about me; second of all if they have a poor opinion of me that isn’t going to change without them seeing some evidence to the contrary. I suppose trying to make something happen is when it becomes important. Letting something happen is a whole lot easier than trying to make something happen. Charlie is trying to make something happen over in Evansville and he’s struggling. Companies everywhere are trying to make something happen and are facing the same problems. It takes time, money, patience, cleverness, and a lot of dedicated effort to try to make it rain. And then it rains because the conditions are right and not because of anything anyone did.
Oh well, I’m not getting anywhere with all of this. If I pick my fight, I get beat; if I let the fight come to me, I’m not satisfied with it; and if I don’t do anything, there’s a good possibility that nothing will happen. The world will keep turning and people will keep milling about but without me participating in the fray. That’s what it boils down to, I want to participate; I see acting as a way of doing it satisfactorily; I don’t want relationships beyond the immediate task at hand; yet I want friends and acquaintances that are satisfying to meet some need for acceptance and approval.
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