Ok, the funeral is over and it is now time to get on with the rest of my life. I will take a few minutes now to reflect on that and then on Sunday I will go into my usual plotting and scheming mode and begin to turn the ship.
There is another possibility and that would be to get away and reflect, say at Bernheim or Jefferson Memorial Forest. I did this several times in the past, at Wm and Mary, at Berheim, and at a retreat house in Hampton VA; always with good results.
A third approach is to bring it up in conversation with people. It isn’t necessary to know them very well, only that they be good sounding boards for me for while. It can be a two way street for me and for them. I’ll have this opportunity tonight at the ball game with Dick and Lori. There is a reason to do all three and take the net results from all of them to decide the rte to take. So this is what I will do.
Wondering what people think of me is a form of vanity, well, it is vanity. Much of what I say and do is done with an eye toward making an image. Yet I am more aware of the fact that (1) people don’t notice my overt actions and (2) people see a sample of many actions and reach their own conclusions. I have a PR man persona who thinks he’s been developing an image when in fact others have formed their own image of me, the total being, which probably doesn’t come close to matching what the PR man’s been trying to promote.
This PR man effort needs to be squashed right away. It sprang from my feelings of failure at Rolla in 1958. Due to that catastrophe, and subsequent emotional response to it, it was felt necessary to promote an image of intelligence and savoir faire to offset the image of one who flunked out of school. Almost everything that has been said and done, has been is from this strategy.
It hasn’t been a total failure. The jobs I’ve had came out of it, the knowledge I’ve acquired and my gentle mien have likewise. The violent and aggressive personae have not been killed and surfaced from time to time. They were probably observed and noted by some.
That’s the truth of it. All aspects of one’s behavior are noted by others and opinions are formed. There is no controlling those opinions formed by others, it happens. So my efforts at developing an image have been for my own purposes and not others’ even though that’s what I wanted. I look around me now and I like what I see; house, yard, furnishings (largely Carola’s choices), electronics, records, capabilities, manners, clothes, habits, and even cars. “Seeing where I am and the direction I am heading, I feel good about me.”
The specter of others’ opinion, however, is real. Rejection, disapproval, failure to get a result, weighs heavily on me. There is an emotional reaction to these (and they can be any one or all of the above) that causes me a great deal of angst. My reactions are sometimes different but generally seem to fall/ or be guided by two sets of conditions. The first is —how much control do I/did I have on this outcome? The answer to this determines the follow on actions that I take. The second is—how clearly do I see / how capable am I to do what is necessary to achieve a favorable outcome. If I can see that, and have confidence that I can succeed in regaining the good graces, favor, and/or ameliorate the situation with those involved, I will formulate a plan and work at it. If not, I am more than likely to cut my losses and run/abandon the course of action.
There is also the relative importance of the desired end result. In instances where heroic effort was required to overcome a failure, and where the failure would be more devastating than work required to set it right, then I was willing to make that effort.
In all cases, those personae who think things through make an assessment of value—desired end result v. the chance/probability of success. They do the math and propose a course of action, go—nogo. When the decision made is nogo; the whole thing is abandoned w/o regret. When go; the work begins and is stubbornly pursued. Only exhaustion causes a reversal.
Long spans of lifetime have been spent salvaging failed attempts. I’d venture to say more than pursuing original ideas. But then original ideas not easily attained, or not seeing the work necessary to achieve them, are what led to the failures in the 1st place. So it is safe to say that some things take longer to achieve when knowledge and guidance are lacking.
I am at such a juncture now. I have this notion about acting. I am under the impression that I didn’t make the cut for As You Like It. Do I double down or walk away? Simple question—no answer. If I walk away, how far do I go; away from UofL, including my current class? IOW what else would I do? Still there is no answer.
There is a world of opportunity awaiting no matter what decision is made. I have a structure in place, i.e. UofL, Louisville, Rotary, endeavors, family, and me. How much of it do I retain? Which aspect do I emphasize? There are choices to select another/different structure, location, do I?
I was here in 1991, in this situation, on terminal leave from JICase. I made a decision to come to Louisville and open Executrain. It was an emotional decision that had less than spectacular results. Now would be a good time to sort through the events of these years; then until even now. Is there anything to be learned? There were other major junctures: 1958, 1963, 1969, 1991, 2000, and now. So, I have some work to do.
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