Plotting and Scheming

A slightly different approach today; I am in the middle of my plotting and scheming in/on Performance Evolution, a workbook of 21 sheets, that covers my hopes and dreams for the year, my shortcomings, and my schedule for the week/year. This workbook is displayed on the screen at the same time as this blog is going on and I am going to keep notes in here as I make my plan for the week.

The starting point for a weekly plotting and scheming session is usually the Daily Deliverables sheet where I have listed the things that I do daily, almost daily, and Weekly Routines and Reminders. It always looks so easy when I set up this sheet, there is the week, there is plenty of time, there are the items I want to accomplish; why does it happen that there are some things that never get addressed/done? As I look at the sheet, the Daily Routine is set and usually always accomplished with one exception, i.e. French.

When I ask, IWWCI…, I can only respond that it takes a complete change of mind to accomplish this, reading and writing in French. It usually takes more time than I feel I have at the moment and I don’t do it. This is a matter of discipline and now that I am aware of it I will sans doute make the changes necessary to do just this, especially since I am enrolled in a French Theater class starting in two weeks.

There are items that I could have done this week with some resolve; riding, attending performances and social events, and playing pool competitively. It is a matter of taking the time, getting into the car, going there, and doing it. I spoke to Carola today. She is back at work at CVS, which is time off from momly duties, and I said that she could do TWF and I would do SMSa and we would both have off on Thursdays to do whatever, either together or individually. With this sort of schedule in place I can ride, play golf, go to play pool, or whatever? Since my classes will be on Tue and Thu, these will fit into my schedule above; it’s just that Thursday will be spent individually and not together. This poses no problem for me.

This opens up a lot of possibilities. Can I get fulfillment here? The city offers all of the amenities that are necessary for a good and wholesome life; golf courses, pool halls, university, hospital, libraries, arts, food –both eat in and dining out, shopping for whatever you want, digital infrastructure, and (I suspect) social contact as well. The extent to which I use all of these resources to my best advantage is up to me.

Of all, I seem to eschew the social contact more than any other. I am a loner in this regard. I don’t associate, at least not now; if I desired it, I would. This seems to be a recurring theme for me, decrying my lack of social involvement on more than a superficial level. I haven’t met those with whom I would take the time and trouble to develop a relationship. And apparently I am not seen as one others see as worthy of developing a relationship. This is probably quid pro quo; IOW they pick up my stand-offish signals and simply demur.

I have to say that most of the people with whom I have come into contact are phonies anyway and after I know them a little, I generally opt out of any further involvement. I like compartments, the pool crowd, the UofL theater arts crowd, the golf crowd, horse crowd, Rotary crowd, and the library crowd, the crowd from whom I buy, and I’m using the word crowd with great abandon. Bottom line is that I have many casual acquaintances, no friends. There are a few upon whom I could call in distress; thankfully they would respond if they possibly could. There are many that I could call to do s.t. and they may or may not refuse. This is a sticker for me; I simply won’t make the calls. I don’t think it’s the refusal, it’s the psychic energy it takes to make calls.

It is worth a few words to delve into this. Logic would tell me that there are many out there who would enjoy participating with me in one or more of my endeavors and are simply waiting to be asked. It is incumbent on me to make the calls. Now, I fully realize that there would be numerous refusals for every acceptance; this would indicate a list of sufficient length to get the acceptance and time to make the calls. It also seems that a reasonable advance notice would be necessary and that notice would depend on the activity ; e.g. golf, riding, or other individual daily activity may be just a day or two whereas an evening event would be several days, a week or even more depending on the scale of the event. Dinner out may be a few days, a play or game may be a few weeks. I am not used to working with this kind of order; this kind of regimen. I like to stay loose and decide now to do then, right after I get up from the chair.

This is definitely a problem for me. I don’t like to be tied down. If I don’t feel like doing this or that, I don’t want to feel that I must. This is why this whole area of my life is unsatisfactory. There are those of me who want to socialize, to be part of a process of enjoying life with others, be acquainted with others, enjoy others’ antics with or without criticism and then there are those in here who have been disappointed with the stupidity of other beings, who have been stood up, cheated, criticized, the target of gossip, embarrassed, and generally disappointed with the outcome of social contacts to the point that they simply don’t want the bother. The problem is me. And that is the source of whole ‘nother blog. It seems that I've struck a large rock as I dig my way through life.