The following several entries are from a notebook I use when outside or away. They are August 14, 16, and 17. They overlap a little with Blog entry 29, entitled Death, but I want to get it down herein.
Friday August 14, 2009
At least it isn’t Friday the 13th. As usual the primary thing on my mind is Mom’s condition. For yesterday and today she has tanked physically. She slept all day both days, at least so far today. I am at a loss for what to do. I’ve been wrong so many times in the past. It could be the end or it could be the lull that would be solved with an enema. I think to panic and call 911 would be a mistake. She is 100 years 8 months old and peacefully slipping away—or not. If she goes into a hospital, she will die, that’s my opinion. Who am I? I am the decision maker and will have to stand the heat if it comes on.
We have another complication, and for this one I made a call, i.e. a bedsore. She has a raw spot at the base of her spine right at the top of the skin fold of her butt. It is pretty bad. We found it this morning. Carola slathered it with ointment after cleaning it with hydrogen peroxide. I called the Dr’s office and got a tepid response although they usually come through.
I look at Mom; she’s sitting right here, and see s.o. who doesn’t want to go on. She’s expressed this time and again plus her whole attitude is saying the same thing. She slips in and out of being awake and not; when she awakens she continues her dream; wants to know if we’re up or down; are we going home; calls for Eddie; asks questions that are off the wall.
When I try to engage her, she rallies just slightly, then sinks back into oblivion. She isn’t eating, she had an egg and cereal for breakfast and I can’t get anything else into her.
Should I call Barbara? I’ll wait. They were here a while back and there isn't much, if anything they can do. They were here a just a short time ago. It is now past 5pm and I have to get going on supper although mom won’t eat anyway. I’m going to fix s.t. new. I usually write a lot more but there isn’t much more to say about this.
Sunday August 16, 2009
That fateful day came to pass yesterday. Mom died over the night of August 14/15. As I reflect on putting her to bed Friday evening, I recall her mien as that of one who simply couldn’t go any farther, she was finished. In my heart I knew it and was awake until 4am on a sort of vigil.
All the proprieties were handled yesterday and the body removed for embalming and transport to St. Louis, to be buried with all the appropriate rites of the RCC, next to that of her husband. It is the beginning of a new chapter in my and Carola’s lives. This is the purpose of this entry; what to do now? There is a philosophy, approach, strategy, to take/make/follow; it is to do s.t. and be careful not to get so deeply engaged in anything that you’re stuck. In an athletic sense, take it one game at a time but do play.
This next week will be taken up with details of the funeral, then Maggie will be here for a few days with Sean and Marykate, I don’t know about the others. Then next week there’s the KY state fair; a few visits there are always fun. After that school starts and auditions for a play. Then we’re into fall; football, school, and maybe rehearsals. Then the Holidays and reset for 2010.
Mom being gone takes away my anchor. It is as if we have been moored here for seven plus years and now the anchor is cut. The analogy works. The option to move was not considered because of the work and disruption entailed. We would only have done so if it was necessary/required/no other option available. Now that the anchor is gone—a dumpster, estate sale, house auction, and we’re out of here. It would behoove us not to be precipitous. OTOH it is wise to be open to possibilities. When someone as close as mom was to us is suddenly although not unexpectedly taken away, the popular wisdom is to wait a year before doing anything drastic. Well, I’d say a good long time if not a year. One could view this as an opportunity to make a change. My take on it is yes; it is that and care need be taken to assure that whatever changes made are desirable in the long term. So stay active and involved but not obligated. No long term debt that isn’t secured.
The economy is bottomed out; there is change in the air; there is a world out there and in here that begs to be seen/developed. Appetites are controlled/ even repressed, debts are current, schedules are open, dailies bespeak a desired mien, Carola is willing; I am capable, strong, and healthy. Get ready, get set, and go— where? Ah yes, it seems to come back to this each time the curtain opens. There is a stage and an audience but I don’t have a play.
Monday August 17, 2009
It’s time to sit and reflect. We’ve notified just about everyone we of whom we can think and I’m sure there are more. We will call as they come to mind.
I played with a guy I recognized, his name is Dave. I initiated conversation about mom’s death and how I felt that an anchor had been released. He didn’t offer anything but being able to talk about it with s.o. was good for me. I had 3 pars and a birdie for 9 holes.
When I called Charlie Eubank this a.m., I had a tough time of it. He is so solicitous and I am/was on the border line of breaking down in sobs. I may need that still.
I am keeping my own counsel about people and situations. I don’t know what to think about any of it. I want to be left alone with it; yet I want to talk about it. We made all the arrangements and are sticking to plan; one exception: when I found out that the obituaries would cost almost $800 I opted to change them to the $44 minimum insertion. In my heart I know that’s right, mom trained me well. I am deferring judgment on C’s sisters until after the funeral. Then I’ll decide.
Maggie will be here tomorrow with our distractions, Sean and Marykate, for several days. This will be fun and good. Then we start school but Carola could go to CA to help Theresa who is having it rough. I’m ok here now without having to care for mom. John, Shannon, and Kirsten will be at the funeral.
We got to StL on Wednesday a.m. The funeral is on Thursday. Depending on who attends a lunch afterwards, mom will treat, except the alcohol. I’ll bring Barb’s annuity; she’ll want that. For other matters I will call her and we’ll arrange a convenient time for them to come up; or not, it’s up to her.
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