Gettin' It Done

What does one do when everything is done? One has to go out and find some more to do. It is as easy as that and as difficult as that.

There are those who will go out and get overly committed only to bemoan the fact that they are too busy. There are those who will sit by and watch TV only to bemoan the fact that they are either bored or are suddenly aware that they have wasted a lot of time.

But then, isn’t it all a waste of time unless one is changing his or another’s state of being including fortune? If one gives it thought, it can be seen that if there isn’t a changed state of some kind then nothing has happened and time has been wasted or at least spent unproductively. Reading books, watching performances, observing others move about is not necessarily unproductive but ranks low on the productivity ladder. It’s been the subject of past writing that there is a big difference between talking a good game and playing a good game. There are actors and directors; writers and readers; performers and audiences; players and spectators; chefs and diners.

The amount of time that has to be invested in learning technique has been underestimated by me until now. I had the opinion that a little learning and then a little practice was all that was necessary—wrong. The holy grail of doing is confidence. Confidence can only be gained through acquiring the skill through research, practice, rehearsal, and reinforcement. Research of primary and secondary sources, practice of basic skills until perfected, rehearsal at ever increasing levels of exposure until, “There it is, Irvine Crane has completed a run of 150 in billiards.” A feat not repeated very often in history. At age 26 he set a record of 309 balls.

Some of the remarkable performances are due to natural ability, or abilities that were nurtured in the early youth. When one is seventy-one, becoming proficient at any technique is difficult.

I’ve been considering my plans for 2011 and keep going back to the model of articulating the dream and then adopting a strategy and setting goals for the year. All the while fully understanding that fulfillment of the dream could accelerate and that planning of the kind I do may even prevent recognizing that a breakthrough either has or could occur without a plan.

On the one hand I fear that my dreams aren’t big enough; on the other I fear that they are unrealistic expectations. The truth is somewhere in between. The secret is developing confidence to successfully perform the action. This is the aim of practice and rehearsal, developing confidence through repetition, confidence that allows one to reach levels of performance that were not anticipated during rehearsal.

One essential ingredient is discipline. The ability to take up the task, whatever it may be, and work for its completion. There is a creeping laziness that develops with a few extra minutes in the sack, another puzzle, or succumbing to TV, internet searches, or any other activity that is not endeavor oriented. And, I’m finding out, that going to bed at an appropriate time would allow one to get up in the morning. Getting up a little later leads to retiring later and the cycle continues to expand to later and later. It is so easy to let it happen. Just when I thought I was getting to discipline, I find that I’m not. So, once again the old horse has to be made to pay attention to trends and developments and get back on the ball.

This is an example of a 4th Way tenet; there is a tendency to do X but a need to do Y in order to accomplish aim. Only the detached “I” can see what is happening and make the decisions necessary to get the being back on track. He is like the trainer, coach, or manager who knows the desired end result and keeps the horse, team, or work group on track to accomplish same.

The ingredients are Dreams, defined and refined into things to do, and Discipline to do it/them. For me now it means getting up in the morning and performing the tasks necessary to push the dream forward. The Performance Evolution file keeps me on track from a what to do point of view but there is definitely a laziness that is creeping into the behavior of the being, known in the 4th Way as being in Tramp. The Good Householder or Steward will see that this is happening and take steps to rectify the situation. In this case the action step is to get to bed before midnight and get up before eight in the morning; then pick tasks and do them.

After getting up, inertia and momentum are getting in the way. Inertia is defined as the tendency for a body to remain at rest and momentum tendency it to remain in motion. The inertia is experienced in getting started on a task; momentum is when having started same, failing to stop when the task is sufficiently accomplished. All too often one will delay, defer, dally in the commencement of a task only to find that once started the task has taken over and continues after it is essentially finished.

This leads me to the next essential activity; working along the second line. This is always seems to be difficult for me. I am in an environment comprised of actors and creative people in the IAWL production rehearsals and I’m only now beginning to exploit that for information about how to expand my acting opportunities. I think I am only now getting over the feeling of inadequacy that I’ve experienced from the start of rehearsals. Well, I’m getting there but it is taking a long time.

Confidence is an elusive beast for me; it’s like getting on a horse that doesn’t want a rider. Once I’m up, he’s fine but he’ll dance around in circles before finally allowing me to get up.

Get Ready, Get Set--

It is getting close to the time of year when I articulate what I want to accomplish in the next year. Normally I take the time between the winter solstice and the New Year to do this, and I will again this year. I recall last year that I was able to work on it from time to time during that period and finished it at the turn of the year. I suppose that will be the same this year, although I’ve been playing with it now for the past few weeks. I wrote a blog about dreams and upon reviewing mine, I see that they are dreams and not necessarily goals; they likewise have not/ will not change much for next year. The goals may change but not the dreams that they support.

One of my dailies, which constantly undergo scrutiny and to which appropriate changes are made, is: “Making the difference with a supporting comment, a good question, a helping hand; strategy according to dreams, plan according to strategy, and task according to plan, with every move made intentionally, I deliver.” It has been transformed over time from a random collection of disjointed thoughts to what it is now. It incorporates the importance of the dream and the how dream is realized through strategy, plan, task, and action.

Another thing that has received some attention is my history and plan matrix that gives an idea of what has happened in my lifetime and what could in the future. It recognizes that things change over time; they have changed in the past and will continue in the future. It is interesting to note that dreams have been realized in the past with and without the benefit of strategy and plan and goal. One thing that is the same is task and action. As long as the dream is articulated, the strategy and plan allow for the more efficient achievement of it, maybe yes—maybe no.

Many of my dreams have been seen to come true after the fact. I.O.W. the dream came true, I enjoyed that it did, I didn’t consciously plan for it but did take appropriate action at appropriate times to assure that the dream came true. Some dreams come/came true long after they were forgotten or after they were part of a conscious effort. This phenomenon supports my theory that personae are always working to realize dreams, in the foreground or in the background.

I’ve backed way off from my usual modus operandi of being busy with things that are listed as tasks. I now have some things of which I am reminded but there is plenty of time in the day for spontaneous activity. This is s.t. that is recently been effected. I use the palm pilot as a tool for taking tasks from Performance Evolution to schedule but I don’t put pressure on me to have to do this or that or the other—today. The only caution I have to maintain is that I not waste the time made available by not being over-booked.

I have my stated areas of emphasis as the script, the club, the crop, and the cue. These are my rocks, these are the activities that I pursue consciously and enjoy. I could probably stop there and not worry about how I was going to accomplish these things but it is more interesting and fun to put some thought to it and actively pursue them. Another realization is that one can rehearse/practice only so much but the real progress is made on the playing field, be that the stage, the course, the stadium, or the pool hall. It is, for the most part, better to get up there and stub your toe than to spend too much time preparing. This is not to say that one doesn’t have to know his lines, or technique; there are prerequisites.

I think the most telling realization was that I didn’t have to be the best in all my endeavors, to spend the same amount of time on each of them that I do on the rocks. So, I’m not spending a lot of psychic energy on endeavors that are not considered “rocks” but still doing them on a more casual basis. I am also not trying to establish bragging rights for any endeavor; I do them because I enjoy to do them and not to impress anyone.

I have become so aware of this that I tend to take a back seat in many conversations of which in the past I would have been in front. This is not a bad thing but it has often been less than satisfying. I am sure that there is a happy medium where one can tell his story without bragging or competing for position. There are auditions and conversations; there’s a difference in what one says and how one says it.

A lot of people to whom I talk are caught in the old days and want to relate memories and stories of things that happened to them. I get bored with this quickly both as one who is talking and one who is listening. But on the other hand it is difficult to maintain a conversation on topics of the here and now unless one is trying to sell s.t. I don’t like to sell things so I tend not to get into conversations all that often.

This has led to a less than satisfactory social situation. I enjoy learning new things, playing games, solving problems, puzzles, talking about problem areas in order to come up with some solution to same. Talking just for the fun of it holds no allure for me, simply listening likewise is difficult but true conversation where I can contribute to the discussion is fine.

I’m going into 2011 with well articulated dreams, however terse, a good understanding of what I want, and ready to invent strategies and goals that will make them real.

Reflections on Mediocrity

I’m in the middle of plotting and scheming for the week ahead and have the urge to write s.t. about what’s going on in my head at this time. We finished the run of Murder Behind the Curtain and Carola and I viewed the DVD of it last night as well. Then the time change occurred this morning so there’s an extra hour. These events have put me in a reflective mood, especially seeing the DVD.

My image didn’t seem strange to me but at the same time it makes me face the reality of how I look and sound and move. What I see is an old man who moves stiffly about, not the heroic image of an Odysseus. It’s a wonder that anyone in the acting business has anything to do with me. Yet people are kind and generally accept me, some have even given me the opportunity to go on stage and in front of the camera. A jaundiced person might say the pickings are slim in Louisville so you got the part. Another might say “To get what I want, I ask.”

At any rate, and for the record, I can readily see that I am no great shakes and need a lot of work. I am not going to make it on natural talent alone, because there is so little of it, but by virtue of hard work, showing up for rehearsal on time, knowing my lines, taking direction, being nice to others on the set, then performing flawlessly. I think the biggest thing I have to prevent is getting a high opinion of myself and thinking that I’ve been chosen because I have talent. It may be that the director gave me the part because of another cast member's recommendation. I keep getting encouragement from the other which makes me think he has a stake in my success.

I am in the same spot I’ve been in my whole life, starting out from nowhere and having to make something out of it. The pattern has been the same, now that I think about it, since the first time I was asked to sing s.t. in first or second grade. What came out of my mouth was a strange sound. I’d been singing along with the rest of the congregation, hearing a nice voice in my ears. Only it wasn’t my voice but that of one of the choristers who was near enough. One can imagine my surprise when my natural voice was the only one to be heard and it wasn’t very good. So I had no natural singing talent and that was the end of my being considered for the Choristers; I became an acolyte.

This scenario has repeated itself over and over again in my lifetime for every endeavor that I’ve undertaken. The bottom line is simple enough; I have no natural talent for anything that I’ve tried to date, and that’s a lot of things; that for which I have natural talent has escaped my notice. My fallback position is to work really hard at learning the fundamentals and practicing same until my performance is passable.

This is another flaw in my character; I work on s.t. until my performance is passable but not at the higher levels of riches, medals, and stardom. I seem to make the decision to remain at a mediocre level and then try s.t. new and different, going off on a new tangent. The amount of effort required to make the silk purse is deemed too much to pay.

I have, however, settled into four endeavors that are being pursued with the idea in mind to get better and better until I am satisfied with what I am doing. I reached this level of performance in some previous endeavors including NNS, Knights of Columbus Council 511, sailing, the Dale Carnegie Course, the Leadership Training for Mangers Course, management as a profession, and another that I won’t name. In each of these I was satisfied that I’d gone as far as I could and had no desire to reach that next level, or even knowledge of what that was.

In every instance it was a lack of vision coupled with a lack of desire and resources that allowed me to, led me to, and prevented me from making it to the big time. The primary ingredient that was lacking was the vision, the dream, the description of a desired end result that included stardom and riches. The vision was not clear or lacking all together. The second detriment was being satisfied with the doing and not moving towards a desired end result. I was on the highway but didn’t have a clear itinerary or a destination in mind. I relied on inspiration and happinstance instead of advice. The few times I got advice from others, it led to great results. The one time I totally relied on inspiration I got a failing grade on the paper. Finally I am getting the connection.

My job is simply to decide what it is. Having a dream and goals, then talking about them, whatever they are, and getting input from others who have had the experience is a necessary ingredient to success. This business of thinking that somehow I am a superior being who is able to solve life’s puzzles, come up with the best possible means of achieving a goal, and divine ways and means is the ultimate in silliness. The one missing ground rule has been that I don't have to take the advice offered but must judge same and accept or reject.

That which has prevented me from getting input from others is a character trait of which I am now aware. I am so concerned about being subordinate to anyone that I will sit here in my rowboat as ocean liners make crossings. This inability to recognize my lack of knowledge and experience has led me to where I am today; not badly off but mediocre; way ahead of a lot of people but nowhere near where I could potentially be. I’m not feeling sorry for myself but have the feeling that I’ve been slapped in the face with reality, video recordings do that.

Penile Envy

There are a couple of things rolling around in my head like marbles on the deck of a ship’s cabin at sea. One is the phenomenon of social status and the other has to do with dreaming. The quest for social status is an activity in which we all participate in one way or another. Whenever there are more than two people together there is an implied contest as to who is superior in the group.

Whenever one is asked for his desired future state of being, i.o.w. what are your dreams, the answer can come back in high sounding terms that are not reality based. Not that dreams need to be based in reality but what one says is more meant to impress the hearer/reader than expressing what he really would like to have happen. This is an attempt to seem to be more acceptable to those around him and is tied to the quest for social status. If he is impressive with his apparent success, then he is worthy of rank; or so he thinks. So one can surmise that the two lines of thought are interdependent, or that dreaming is tied to the quest for social status unless one makes a concerted effort to divorce them.

But there is a danger in disolving the marriage of these two and seeing it for what it is. It seems to be happening to me now. I am not as concerned with the reputation, the notoriety, and the acceptance of the social circles in which I am. These are the worlds of acting, pool, golf, and riding. Whereas in the past I would have spent time and energy in attempting to establish myself, not anymore; I simply participate at the level at which I am and let the chips fall where they may.

I have relapses from time to time when I try to be helpful, or give an opinion, or make a judgment but these are fewer and farther between. I will catch myself in starting to do so and stop. Sometimes when unsuccessful in stopping, it created a problem from which the return to a normal relationship was slow and painful. So, I advise myself to keep my opinions, comments, and evaluations private. And even replace internal reactions with “maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive” when dealing with peers. I often remind myself that my age doesn’t necessarily grant me wisdom enough to opine. And it’s a good thing because I am not worthy of having much of an opinion due to my level of performance in these endeavors.

This is beginning to make me feel less and less confident overall because I am operating outside of my normal pattern of behavior. My previous modus operandi was to be a quick study and put on a show of confidence based on my reputation and respected opinion, i.o.w. talk a good game. It doesn’t work now because I don’t have the credentials or the accomplishments in acting, pool, riding, and golf to support same.

I am concerned that it is beginning to show itself as a lack of confidence in general. I have no reputation upon which to rely, or fall back in these endeavors so people have to make a quick assessment of me as a person based on what they see. This is problematic because they see someone of whom they have no knowledge and, because I tend to be reticent, who won’t give them anything with which to work. I learned my lesson not to blow my own horn except to toot reinforcement of my reputation among those who know me.

Then there’s the effect of my own unfavorable judgment of my performances. I never see my performance as being worthwhile and it takes more than one rehearsal to get over this hump. Because I don’t feel good about what I do, I rarely compliment or encourage others because I fear they will take it as coming from a worthless source. This may be seen as a lack of sensitivity or participation and not viewed favorably by others.

This all resolves down to the conclusion that I feel as if I have no social status in any realm. This is probably inaccurate but it is the feeling that I have as I write this and mull over the events of the past couple of years. I may be rationalizing when I say that I am no longer interested in same but I’m objective in my assessment of not having a seat at any table at the moment. I just feel like I’m alone in the world and one can only hope that this is an emotional reaction, and therefore irrational.

Then there’s the dream aspect of it. I notice when looking at my dreams that they are in fact dreams and not necessarily a “to do” list for the year. I recognize that there are different levels of dreams; the present, the age, and my lifetime. Present being now and for the near term future, the age being from now until my body really starts breaking down at about 85 years old, and lifetime being for what happens when my life is a backward glance from the precipice of death.

Events have occurred all year to support the dreams for the present because I comb through them when I update my performance evolution file every Sunday morning. I’ve had a large amount of work in acting, trophies in pool, good horses to ride, and I’m hitting the ball with confidence in golf with three sub-90 rounds and averaging in the mid-nineties. But harkening back to emanating a lack of confidence, it may be happening because no one but me knows how it all fits together and furthermore nobody but me even cares. This is the disconnect, in the past I have played to the organization but now there is none to which to play. So I’m on a stage in an empty theater and I miss the applause.

Order-Revoution-Anarchy-Order

Two years ago, I put together a fantasy portfolios of stocks. Included therein was one that appealed to me because a former subordinate is an officer of the company. I looked him up in the financial information for the company and saw that his earnings are in the neighborhood of $10million annually. All I can say is, “Wow!” So I immediately started questioning what the heck was going on. My first thoughts were how much is enough and is he really worth that much? Can’t say that there wasn’t some envy involved but it was quickly dispelled with good reasoning. Besides, “Maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive.”

I know this guy fairly well, or did, and I don’t think the money is the whole thing in his case, it’s large but more as a measure of success. He has worked himself into a position where that’s what it pays. If this corp didn’t pay him this amount they would be paying someone else and conversely if they didn’t pay him this much he would move on to another corporation. It has taken me a long time to rationalize this because it is more than this one instance; it is the landscape of publicly held corps, the medical and legal professions, major league sports, and other few but highly lucrative professions where the bidding for top talent is off the chart. This doesn’t mean it is wrong; corps are making enough profit to pay the execs these salaries and perks and still give the shareholders a good return on investment. BTW, the portfolios and his company haven’t returned to the value they had when I assembled them; thank goodness I kept them as fantasy investments. His value, in options and other stock related pay has taken a hit but it is still more than he could spend.

A couple of lines for the part I have in “It’s a Wonderful Life” as Pop Bailey brought the thing home to me. “What makes you such a hard skulled character Mr. Potter? You have no children, no family; you can’t begin to spend all the money you’ve got.” And, “Potter’s a sick man George, sick in his heart, sick in his soul, if he has one. Hates everybody that has anything that he can’t have, hates us mostly I guess.” These two lines define a character who has allowed money to become the end instead of the means. It becomes a warning to us all; not only money but things. I already have more clothes than I could ever wear, more golf balls than I could ever lose, more books that I won’t read again, and on and on and on. We are all a little bit like Mr. Potter and that’s ok, it’s when it becomes an obsession that it is harmful, as in my story The Ball Hawk. (see the By John Lina Blog or buy a copy of Open Floodgate by John Lina for only $19.95 plus mailing. Drop me an Email and I’ll take your order.)

As for the huge compensation figures, I think we are stuck with them unless there is a disastrous overturning of the hierarchies, one to rival the French and Bolshevik Revolutions. I’ve complained about hierarchies before but we’re stuck with them unless…

This is the role of anarchy, the dismantling of hierarchies and replacement by others, less offensive. There is a crescendo of greed, a revolution of the oppressed, anarchy in the meantime until a structure is put in place to replace the anarchy and one that is agreeable to enough of the masses. We had a mini- revolution in 1994 and we may have another this year. It happened several other times during US history that the electorate was fed up with enough of what was going on in the Federal Government that they replaced incumbents wholesale.

The ballot box is a relief valve but there is none for corporate greed. One may not be necessary for relief from corporate greed but we see the downside affect of it in salaries paid to hierarchies in government, medicine, and legal organizations and these affect all who are paying for these services. The “what about me?” attitude of civil servants, surgeons and lawyers is going to lead to a revolution of some kind; I don’t know how or when but people are beginning to see it for what it is, greed at the expense of their fellows. Heck if I can see it, there are millions of others who do as well. According to Bert it was a factor for anti-Semitism in Europe and look to what that led. The straw is piling up on the camel’s back

These types of feelings, undefined emotional reactions against the “Medical Profession,” may be a big part of what led to Medicare and now Obamacare. Doctors are not the problem, the problem is administrators of practices and hospitals that wring every penny they can out of a patient or his insurance company and dictate to the providers, doctors and nurses, how much time and effort they can spend with a patient. So-called not for profit hospitals can’t spend all the money they make without going to excess for admin salaries, perks, facilities and equipment. Then the reaction of the insurance company is to do the same to the policy holders and even deprive people of inclusion, in effect cut them off from treatment because of the profit and loss implications.

You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth. We don’t know how to do it; we can’t separate ourselves from the greed and trying to have all the money there is. So we are doomed to continue funneling money into the pockets of the MBA’s who have become quite adept raising the compensation levels of just about everybody in an organization who is not directly involved in providing the sold product or service. Bring out the guillotine, pass me my knitting needles.

Work Along the Second Line

Now I ask the question, am I living in the past? There are some indications: I am fascinated by history and archives, read/listen to books that are written, as are all books, in the past tense, look at old pictures, listened in rapt attention as mom recounted her life to me, have made a record of my life from birth through the present in logs and analysis, and have a set of goals and plans for the current year and weekly set out tasks that will move toward attaining them, this puts the accomplishment of the task in the past because the present was the instant of describing it.

During those intervals when I have nil to do, I tend to hearken back instead of being in the present. This leads me to inaction primarily on the social front, just like right now. I am analyzing where I am and where I’ve been and what I’m doing and not doing instead of being out among people. This is a regular thing for me; especially when I am doing s.t., I tend to think beyond the present to when this is going to be finished and, therefore, be less involved in the present.

The amount of time I spend alone in my world is the majority. I purposely don’t watch TV except for games and news to keep from being absorbed into living life vicariously. I work puzzles, read, analyze, plot and scheme when I am not walking or exercising. It seems that I am reluctant to participate with others even when I am with them; I tend to withdraw emotionally unless we are playing a game.

I seem to be guarded in my relationships and it is more from avoiding an unfavorable reaction than anything else. I am wrong in my predictions of another’s reaction almost all of the time and, therefore, have very little confidence in my ability to read s.o. There have been enough unfavorable repercussions from my statements, actions, and inactions that I am gun-shy of saying or doing anything that can be considered inappropriate. Sometimes I think that I can do this or that because I would allow it, or at least put up with it, if it was done to me, the old Golden Rule idea; wrong. Often I am the little French cabbie who broke one little rule and got hammered. So, I retreat into my intellect and memory. These are two safe places that I’ve come to recognize. I don’t interact with anyone for anything other than the time of day, lest it be misinterpreted and a foul called.

This living in the past is not such a bad thing except that I am not pleased with it. It seems that I am missing a lot of opportunities without even knowing it. Like driving a bus, which has tinted windows, down the highway of life insulated against outside noise, traffic, and weather, only interacting with personae that are in/on the bus except for the occasional stop and walk about. I am so well planned and scheduled that there is almost no spontaneity in my life and when there is, I am suspicious of it and shy away from involvement. Someone always seems to get hurt and this leads to blame, criticism, hurt feelings, and guilt, all of which I eschew. If I don’t play, then I don’t lose.

Interacting with people leads to seeing opportunities; this is what classes at UofL do for me. “To get what I want, I ask” is invoked regularly without disappointment, when I ask for s.t. specific, I get a response; be it from the professor or fellows. The benefit of being involved in the first line of the work has produced good results in my performances. I would like to be involved on the second line but it just isn’t happening. The same can be said about my relationship with the cast in a play. We are working together on the third line but not on the second. Is it that I am not working along the second line in any endeavor? A quick aside: work on the self is first line, work with/for others is the second line, and work to advance the greater good is the third line.

A quick mental review of my endeavors indicates that this is indeed the case. Some endeavors lend themselves to work on all three lines but not all of those that have a second line are being pursued along that line, save pool, riding, and golf. This is disappointing because the second and third lines are where opportunities are discovered. So what is the problem?

First of all, it is a lack of emotional content in my life with a resulting lack of involvement with others; it shows up in my acting. Others are involved only when necessary to move toward a good performance. And then there are opportunities foregone. These are like trees falling in the forest that no one hears. I am constrained by my imagination, which is good but needs stimulation, and limited to that which I can accomplish with little outside assistance other than answers to specific questions.

G’s mirror would reflect a person who is not involved with others to any great degree. Acquainted with many but working with none, except occasionally and as necessary but are there results? Yes, beaucoup de results when measured against the described desired end results determined each year in a vacuum between Xmas and the New Year.

One strategy that that works and I can use more widely is to put myself in target rich environments. This requires some imagination and determination because my experience with people has been spotty. Often those who are responsive turn out to need more from me than I from them. Almost like the Groucho Marx line that he didn’t want to belong to a club that would allow him to join. The answer here is quick determination and a more objective go-no go decision made. Once involved with another, take care to remain objective about the relationship. It seems to reinforce the original thesis that I am not emotionally involved in my life.

A Bad Review

What a most unusual day. It was my turn to do my monolog for class. The Professor worked with me for a while and gave up, more or less. She asked if I’d been in the military because I was so like a ramrod; I said no. She had me to relax my body and breathe more deeply, to use my breath to deliver thoughts and changes of thought. Well, it didn’t work very well because I was busy complying with what I thought she wanted me to do and not getting to it. So now I have a few minutes to process what was going on and see if I can make any sense out of it.

She said I seemed to be concentrating on getting my lines right, to say them verbatim. We both know how important this is but she is telling me that while it is important to get the words correct it is equally important to put the emotional content (feeling) in the delivery as well; to allow the intended emotion to flow through along with the words; to deliver the lines as if I don’t know what comes next as if the character is thinking of what he is going to say next as he is saying the current phrase; to strive for spontaneity of expression as the lines are said; to not fall into patterns of voice that are rote.

Then there was the psychological observation she made that hit home with me. She said I am so focused on one thing that I am not allowing other things to happen; so focused on doing a good job of saying my lines that I am preventing any spontaneous emotional expression to take place. I am using a discipline that is focused on one thing when success depends on the focus being wider, i.e. like a camera with depth of field where the foreground and the background are in focus at the same time. This is true—I tend to focus on one result when there are multiple results that need to be achieved for success.

My history of this sort of thing has been a continuum of fighting crises and avoiding failure; usually because I was in over my head; I-o-w, didn’t have a strategy for handling problems that may come up. This held true for my first attempt at college, then once married and back in school, oops we had a baby and a second on the way. Once again I was in the mode of fighting crisis when I needed 23 semester hours in my second last semester. A two hour course, Dynamics, was below par and I vowed to the instructor that I would bring it up to at least a C in the second half of the semester or delay graduating by six months. It worked out.

Then C arola had to have surgery … then we bought a small house… then we had to move to a larger house… then the Cleveland job seemed to be in jeopardy… then the kids went to college… then Tenneco Inc in Houston…, then France…, and on and on. And they all worked out. Surmounting difficulties, or coming up with strategies after problems occurred rather than before, was 75% of my effort and taking advantage of opportunities got whatever was left. I was still operating in this mode until recently but since 2008, with the aid of having articulated my dreams and a good plotting and scheming method, I find that I am more taking advantage of opportunities than overcoming crises. But I find that my propensity is to work from a solving the crisis mind set or waiting until a big problem occurs before taking action, even when I am in opportunity mode.

Then there’s the responsibility bind. Along with solving these various crises has come the feeling that I must be seen by others as successful. So I tend to get a little overwhelmed with a myriad of details, many left undone or unsatisfactorily handled.

Then there is the performance factor, feeling that I must be impressive. Usually this works against me and the opposite happens, I fail in performing as I did today: perhaps too distracted by the doing. I have a rather strong need/ desire to not be criticized, not necessarily approved but respected.

Then, and perhaps finally, there is the need for acceptance and inclusion. The class that is the subject of this writing is a good case in point. I go into the classroom and am excluded from the conversation almost entirely. The others in the class are at least forty-five years younger than I, not an excuse but a fact. When I talk to them individually they are polite and respond but for all intents and purposes I don’t exist in their presence and various assays have met with cold shoulders or a nod and a smile then put on ignore. I have a tendency to hang back in any new situation to avoid being rejected and then slowly insert myself into the fray. In the past it has taken a few weeks to get through this awkward interval but this time it continues and I feel like a definite outsider. But then I find that this is generally true. This needs some work on my part but what to do?

All of this tumbles out of the brief time I spent in front of the class with the professor. I’d have to chalk it up to failure to perform because I was unable to do what she wanted. She also said, “The next time perhaps you can chose a monolog with more depth.” So what I did, even though it met with her prior approval, was not good. She said I was rigid, overly controlled, unemotional, not connected with my character, not any good as an actor. She didn’t actually say these things but this is what I heard. So what’s next? I’ll stay the course and all I can say is, “Don’t boo me, I didn’t write this stuff.”

Limbo, Again

Once again I am in limbo. We had no class today. The filming is Sunday; the dress-tech is likewise. The play opens on the 25th. The theater/concert plus dinner is tomorrow night. Rehearsals don’t start for IAWL for another several weeks. There are no urgent calls or items of which to take care. I have tendonitis in my right forearm, from the flag carrying chore last Saturday, and I can’t play golf. I played pool for four hours last night, about 50 games. BC of L league doesn’t start for two weeks. The stable has been sold and I don’t have a riding source at the moment, although I have feelers out.

It is my thinking, for me anyway, that I need to have a reason to be here, wherever that is, have to have something to do, would like to have someone with whom to do it, and an overall purpose or aim upon which I am working. Generally that is the way things are but today I am in limbo on something to do and someone with whom to do it. The clock continues to run and I am not doing anything other than clutching at straws such as buying a 2011 diary, retrieving tax reports, making a bank deposit, yawn.

I came up with an item upon which to work. It is the history of me from birth to 2006; three years ago is the most recent because I like to let the dust settle before summarizing the year. It came to me that if I recorded my Personal Status (age, condition), Purpose, Occupation, Location, House, Family, Life Style, Endeavors, Social Life, Community Status, and Professional Status each year, that over a long period of time I would see the developing pattern that leads me to where I am today and, seeing it, either agree with it or make changes to it. All of this data is recorded up through 2005 but it is hand written in worksheet format. I will key it into History and Plan.xls . This will be a chore to do over several days, whenever I have the time especially when Carola is in California during the month of October.

It is interesting that my sister and I don’t have much to say to each other. We don’t feel a need to talk to each other. I don’t think this is unusual between siblings, Carola and her sisters haven’t talked for years but there is some history there concerning C’s mom.

My sister and I have the shared experience of being brought up by two people who battled often about money and the lack thereof; a father who was insecure and controlling, a mother who was fighting for identity and a say in what was going on. Often we would hear the battles royal from below as we lay in bed trying to go to sleep. She would often cry herself to sleep. I, on the other hand wasn’t visibly affected by what was going on. This is not to say that we weren’t both affected in ways we don’t even know. This is why I would welcome some overture from her to discuss openly what happened from her perspective. Conversations with her are not open and free. She doesn’t divulge details of her feelings or memories but makes vague references to contention between her and her mother. I could start same but the certainty of non-cooperation stops me. I doubt if we will ever get around to discussing it.

Meanwhile, it is now 4:25 p.m. and I am blogging away. This is something of a time waster but on the other hand it is one of my aims for the year. Thinking of what I wrote above, where did the reference to my sister come in? Here I am on a day with little on my mind and what pops up, my sister. I should give her a call. Ok I did; nobody home.

I’ve also been caught up in the thinking about the way things go. I’ve said it before and I’m repeating it here that things go really good for us. It may not be an accident of fate but rather something akin to Karma. Only the way I see it, the good comes from the influence of those who loved us and died but are still around spiritually and they are using whatever influence they have as spirits to take care us who were good to them while they were alive. There are things I’ve done that defied common sense, could even be considered rash and foolish. Yet it seems that I got away with them, not that I would be in trouble with the law or anything like that but rather that I would be embarrassed and people around me would be hurt and disappointed. Yet these things were swept under the rug and the only one who seems to have had been affected by them is me and my fear of being called to task about them.

I doubt if this is an unusual story; plenty of others wander down the path of life making little detours to take a walk on the wild side and also get away with it. There seems to be an unspoken code to make them the subject of conversation and gossip but not publicly embarrass or humiliate them. This is true in small subsets of a larger community of people but not when someone is in the national spotlight where any little transgression is magnified out of proportion for titillation and the sheer fun of seeing the rich and famous embarrassed, probably because we are a little jealous of them.

So it goes, the mysteries of life continue to defy understanding but that’s a good thing. If we were certain, we would be even more bored than being in limbo. I am going to start my transcription of the outline of my life, yawn.

Golf Gone Wild

I came home from the golf course feeling that I am mediocre, at best, at almost everything I do; it was a bad day. What a challenging game is golf. There are as many degrees of freedom as there are body parts, so much can go wrong. An objective analysis reveals that of the average 100 strokes I take on the course, 18 are from the tee, 45 are on the green, which leaves 37 between the tee and the green. Today, of the 18 from the tee I hit 10 of them well, in or near the fairway and about 180 to 200 yards out. Of the 37 interim shots, 18 were approach shots, i.e., either chips or pitches; 2 were out of sand traps with good results, and 8 were good second shots; the other 9 were wasted strokes. The 45 putts are the sad part of my game. If the nine holes that were three putts were eliminated, my score would be about 90. Then if the 9 or 10 wasted strokes were eliminated, we’re talking about the low 80’s.

The grand conclusion of this is my game sucks, my putting is terrible, and my mind gets screwed up on the course. I caught myself in emotional response and unfavorable opinion often; the good news is that I caught myself and changed same in each instance except for the over-arching opinion that I am mediocre at just about everything, which is probably pretty close to the truth. The only redemption is to keep on keepin’ on in my four chosen areas—the script, the club, the crop, and the cue.

All of these are fun and worthy of achieving at least the Skill level (see the added presentation) with acting going beyond Skill into job. Ultimately, dreaming extravagantly, I would reach the Awards level in acting, the Medals level in golf and pool, and the Skill level in riding. This resolve lends itself to development of the kind I do every Sunday when I plot and scheme. I have all the tools and the knowledge to do this and I still need external input in all of these to make the dreams come true. The external input is 2nd line work; the 3rd line is the statement of the dream and working for the dream itself where the 2nd line is working with others to achieve the dream, or Aim.

There are fourteen other endeavors but they are secondary and complimentary to these four. All of them together make up a full slate of activities that, when managed properly , lead to the achievement of Aim.

The Accomplishment Structure

A clear and vivid vision of what that is, and what it entails, is fundamental so all of the required personal resources can be focused on the effort. The vision will never be perfect; it must be made and refined. One can continually refine the vision as he becomes more aware of what it takes to reach this, or the next level of the endeavor. This vision, no matter how incomplete and unrealistic, is the starting point and it needs to be written because writing requires and records thought processes and allows review and revision. Then it can be formulated into terse statements that allow one to be quickly reminded of what he is trying to accomplish. I want to… and not I wish to…

Three strategies for accomplishment are the puzzle, which relates to rules and a framework; the game, achieving successful results within a set of rules; and the dance, moving in prescribed motions to produce desired results.

The pre-requisites are Desire, Capability, and Discipline.

The steps to successful achievement are: Assimilation, Application, Refinement, Competition, and Fulfillment The movement from one level to another is a process and not a single event. Innovation is utilized repeatedly. There may be different and independent strategies employed as one makes progress through the various levels.

Skill relates to the assimilation of knowledge and enough formative practice that one can perform the endeavor with confidence when performing alone or in a controlled environment, such as a lab or class.

Riches relates to being able to perform the endeavor at a level of proficiency that produces profit. This refers to being well paid for performance in the marketplace. Activities at this level relate to the practical application of the skill in a journeyman-like manner that results in utility for which others are willing to pay.

Job is an acid test of the endeavor. It relates to the willingness and continuing interest to pursue it, rain or shine, good times and bad, in times of growth and sideways plodding, and commitment to it for the fulfillment of obligations either to others or to self.

Awards is where the performer demonstrates his skill to objective others who are superior and/or knowledgeable in what the endeavor entails and can pass judgment on the performance. The activities at this level result in a level of performance that is recognized as superior when judged against the accepted standards and norms for the endeavor.

Medals is the level where the performer is compared to others in competition. Activities at this level relate to building the confidence necessary to compete against other performers who are likewise seeking superiority. The immediate example is sports but it also relates to being successful in auditions, publishing, negotiating, anywhere that the performer rises above other practitioners of the same skill.

Stardom is performance to a wider audience who understands what top performance is and acclaims it when they see it. Activities at this level relate to earning the adulation of people who vicariously participate in the performer’s success.

Progress through each of these levels is an end in itself. Since the amount of effort required to reach perfection is infinite, there is a point/ region/ place/ time/ level of achievement where the increase in level is so slight compared to effort that further pursuit of perfection in the endeavor becomes futile.

Being aware of approaching this level of futility is critical; it requires decision. One can continue to (a) accomplish with incrementally more effort, (b) abandon the endeavor, or (c) decide to move to the next level.

For example, as the performer approaches futility at the Skill level, he can choose to continue for the fun of it, as a hobby, or go on to the Riches level. If he should choose to go on there is a step function change in the pursuit of the endeavor where he is no longer working to hone his skill but now to profit from the application of it. This has a totally different complexion than the Skill level. And so on through all the levels.

Acting Business--Lines

Since writing this in July, I have been introduced to another method, i.e., learning the lines based on the first letter of each and every word in the line. It works.10/10/10

It is 2:15pm of the same day that I returned from an audition that didn’t go very well. I will be very surprised if I hear back on this one. The mood in the office and of the auditor was impersonal at best. It seemed like I was an intrusion on their peaceful day. This reaction was/is mine and could be far from the truth of the situation that existed in the space where I was; it is my fault that it took hold like it did. I received the script last night, printed it, and ran through it several times with Carola but it wasn’t enough to give me the confidence I needed to do it in front of a camera, talking to a picture on the wall and another person in the room, whom I took to be a disapproving camera man. It was, however, an audition and that’s a plus, another experience in the acting world.

Learning lines is a professional requirement, it is also very difficult and I say that not for myself but for all with whom I have come in contact in this endeavor. Alan had a monstrous task to learn all the lines for the Inspector in Murder on the Nile (MOTN); he never did completely know them with enough confidence to get through them without hesitation and mistakes. John and Jeff, as Earnest and Algernon, in the Importance of Being Earnest (TIOBE), likewise had beaucoup de lines and messed them up in every performance. On the other hand Beth and the Carries had equally lengthy parts as Aunt Augusta, Gwendolyn, and Cecily and performed them without a flaw from the second rehearsal through the end of the run. It is imperative for me to be able to learn lines with enough confidence to deliver them in front of Carol, aaudience, or camera.

I’ve done some research on this subject and there isn’t much offered by way of advice, or how to, in accomplishing this feat. I can recall the experiences I’ve had and glean from them the technique(s) I’ve used. They may not be efficient but they are effective because in every case, when I went on stage I said my lines without mistake. The prevailing advice is to read them a minimum of five times through without trying to memorize them. This seems to be a good starting point and I do that and continue from there. Perhaps I can list a step by step that will take me through it and embellish that with what I think will work. My objective is to reduce the amount of elapsed time it takes to not only learn the lines but be confident enough in them that I can deliver them in a variety of settings and circumstances including the stage, in front of the camera, or to individuals or small groups not even associated with the acting assignment. The key here is to reduce the time required to learn the lines. The prescription then:
1) Read all the information available about the character and the play/story
2) Read through the script from start to finish
3) Read through my part, including the cue lines, five or more times from the script
4) Make a spreadsheet of two columns; the cue line on the left and my line on the right
5) Fold it and read the cue line, turn the paper and read my line
6) Tell the story as presented by the cue lines and my lines in my own words, not in any way trying to relate the script in the words written
7) Take each cue line and my line couple and learn it by heart
8) Recite the lines to Carola/or another with her taking the cue lines
9) Repeat with her taking my lines
10) Imagine the stage/set and do the script with whatever associated actions
11) Keep doing 7-8-9 and 10 until it is in mind.

This process takes a long time; so there must be a way of shortening it to suit the time available for auditions and performances that are on a tighter production schedule than those with which I am familiar. We had six weeks for TIOBE and MOTN; shorter than the UofL productions but the film work seems to allow less time for lines and no time for rehearsal. This was a problem today and the reason for this writing because I think it is a permanent condition of working in film.

So how do I get the time required down to a day; overnight? I have a new script, it is for the film wherein I play the part of an older police chief. I could try some new techniques on this because if they don’t work I have time to learn them using the above listed method.

A method that seems to make sense would be to record the lines in front of a camera; use our VCR until a better camera is available. Critically evaluate each reading but don’t tape over any of them. Look for ways to improve, then make same. Use the camera from the beginning, even when reading the script for the first time. This may be important to get habituated to seeing my face and features on the screen; heretofore I have eschewed reviewing performances because I didn’t want to be disheartened by the experience. This is probably not a good idea as I go forward with film acting since I will want to create certain effects but need to see if they are working or not. I don’t know, this is a tough area; if I am “acting” then I’m not going to convince anyone that I am the character. It is as important in film as on stage to naturally assume the character and become that role as it is played. Yet objectively reviewing the results will/should improve my performance.

Yes, I think I may have hit upon a good place to start for learning lines more quickly; camera, action!

On Pride and Vanity

Among the several, there are two distractions in particular that plague us, Pride and Vanity. Pride is the way we want to think we are; Vanity is the way we want others to think we are. There are so many manifestations of these two green giants that we are often not even aware of them. And that is the problem, we are not aware.

Maurice Nichol wrote five volumes of observations about the Work and I read them all. There was one recurring theme throughout the writings, which were much like this blog a series of recorded thoughts and observations over a long period of time, and that recurring theme is “remember yourself” or don’t become distracted. Before we can talk about distraction, we have to determine from what it is that we are attempting not to be distracted.

Very simply put, it is working on aim. Not something spelled out in many, if any, of the writings about The Fourth Way (TFW) and Gurdjieff. It is there but inferred and not specifically articulated because it is not just one thing, unless you accept that “working on aim” is one thing, and it is if you consider that we could be working on more than one aim in a lifetime and that all of our aims converge on one single overriding aim. An aim can be defined as the desired outcome of a present situation and there are many overlapping presents in which we are involved. Selecting one for the moment, working on it and being aware of doing so, is not being distracted.

Before I write another word I am not preaching TFW, I am not qualified to do so. I am simply relating my own findings from taking G’s advice and not accepting anything told to me, read by me, shown to me by others but rather spending the necessary time and psychic energy to find out for myself what is reasonable and what works; not accepting anything even the conclusions to which I come through my thought processes because, much like the physics of material behavior from the particle to the universe, there are always new and wonderful things discovered that change our understanding. What is true, i.e. reasonable and believable today may well turn out to be ridiculous and improbable in light of later, better information. If more people recognized this possibility the world would be a better place.

The difficulty of remembering oneself or staying aware is not as simple as one might think. One may presume that he knows what’s going on in and around him but you don’t, guaranteed. The difficulty is there is so much going on in our mind and brain-body at any given instant in time that it is almost impossible to keep up with it. It is like being at a national political convention, where the whole thing is contained inside of you, there are so many things going on that in order to accomplish anything, one must be able to separate and focus on one course of action without being sidetracked, distracted, by everything else that is going on and this is no small task. And there is an overriding aim at such a convention, selecting a candidate who can win the election but it can only be achieved by the accomplishment of a multitude of other, supporting aims.

It often seems easier, more pleasurable, more satisfying to fall into distraction than to apply one’s efforts to accomplishing aim. Only when it is over, time has elapsed, and one reflects on what it was he could have been doing instead of being distracted, does one realize he was distracted. The goal is to bring this awareness into focus during the distraction and dispel it before it uses up the time and psychic energy that could have been used to work on aim.

Pride and Vanity are particularly hard to recognize because they are near to the surface of our awareness. We are social beings and our reactions to others are always close to the surface, therefore when we sense that another is not reacting to us as we would like, we focus on that and try to bring about at desired reaction but while doing this we get distracted from whatever it was we aimed to do.

A classic example of this was the phone call I made last year when my aim was to confront someone about their unacceptable behavior. I reacted to his responses rather than keeping my presence of mind. The message got across but in an entirely different manner than I would have preferred. For a long time afterwards I felt good about the confrontation, it seemed to have accomplished what I wanted and I didn’t take any crap.

Then we were to create a monolog for acting class and I selected that phone call, mainly because I felt that I had acquitted myself completely. As I worked on the monolog and presented it to the class several times, it became more and more clear to me that this had not worked out as well as I thought. I made some significant changes in the manner of my response and my final presentation of the monolog was as I would have wanted the conversation to have taken place. I remained in the moment, unaffected by the tone of his responses and successfully achieved my aim in a friendly manner without hostility and anger.

This example is excellent in that Pride in my first performance blinded the truth; Vanity caused me to want to display the bravado of that first performance to the class. It was a slow process but self observation brought about by the repeated performance of that conversation and the reaction of my classmates and the professor caused me to realize that I was in Pride then Vanity and to go back to the basic script and start all over again with a more objective approach.

The lesson I learned was significant and relates to any and all conversations I have and will have. Don’t get sucked into an emotional response to the other(s) in the conversation unless there is an objective reason to do so, keep your mind on your objective and stay aware of what’s being said and going on around you. Recognition of Pride and Vanity in this instance has made a big difference in my behavior.

The Summer Cold of 2010

One must be a little careful, even when one is as vital as am I. Tuesday I sat in my chair downstairs and took a snooze, the air felt a little cool but nothing that alarmed me. By eight o’clock in the evening I could feel a discomfort at the back of my mouth at the throat and was immediately aware that I had come down with a summer cold. It felt as if I was encased in a coating of heavy mud as I moved around, consequently I didn’t do much of anything, thank goodness that it rained. Then as the evening wore on I was feeling less and less like making any unnecessary moves. I sat in the back, under a blanket and vegetated, eating only a little chicken soup and crackers with butter. I watched The Factor and then came down here to shoot a little pool and simply sit.

The night passed with me in full pajamas, including an undershirt, under the covers, and vacillating between sleep and awake. About 4 am I went into the office and covered up in my recliner for a couple of hours, then back to bed to unbend and sleep some more. I didn’t get up until after noon. All day I have been doing nil except for a walk to limber up my joints.

How much of this can be overcome by mental attitude and how much is real? This is the question that is bothering me, waiting for an answer. Yesterday I think it was more than 50-50 toward physical v. mental but today I think it is 25-75 physical to mental. IOW it is my opinion that I could buck up and be a jolly good fellow and get a lot done if only I wanted to. The difference is that 25% that screams at me not to exert myself physically.

On the battleground, the body v. intruders, my body is winning the war. It is up to me to keep from causing setbacks by over exertion of my present state. So I can engage in mental exercises, such as this writing or puzzles but not golf or riding. There is an overriding caution that I have to maintain and that is to be ready to roll Saturday night for the play. The show must go on.

I refrain from remedies of any kind for this type of malady because I believe that this body has the wherewithal to overcome the intruders. As I look/reflect on my activities before late Tuesday afternoon, I recall golf, which was exertion but not out of the ordinary. I had to get up at 6 am for the club meeting, which is always a factor on Tuesday; and Monday, I don’t recall doing anything that dragged me down. This chilling air blowing on me was the catalyst for allowing whatever microbes were present to get a foothold and begin their attack. This is why I am trying to figure out what could have been the thing/s that happened that allowed them to get to critical mass to mount an attack. My body usually responds to such an attack without even the rest of me knowing what is going on. Why this time did a little cool air allow the intrusion to get a foothold?

I don’t recall being around anyone who has a cold, anyone carrying the microbes that could have got to me somehow. That would have been sometime after Friday. Last weekend was the playoffs at BCofL and I was cooped up with my team around a table. One team mate was in close proximity giving me some pointers on the game, perhaps he was a carrier at the moment. This particular fellow is older and could have the germs but be personally immune to them. Then Saturday night we had the play, I don’t recall anyone there being either close enough to me or visibly ill to transmit it to me. Sunday we were home, Monday was not a big deal and then came the chill on Tuesday.

__________

I just now talked to a fellow club member and he likewise has a summer cold. He came back from Sedona AZ after his honeymoon there. He was at the meeting Tuesday, I shook hands with him. The fact that the microbes were from out of town may have made the difference. If I was feeling better, I wouldn’t be wasting all of this effort on getting to the source of my discomfort. With that last little bit of info from Mark, I think it may be the foreign microbes. I read somewhere that the rhinoviruses that cause the cold are mutating all the time and often we are immune to those in our local area. When one travels, he may get exposed to mutants for which he is not immune and bingo; then the infection starts around a whole new area.

So, there you are: the fatigue from being up early and then walking 18 holes of golf required rest but the chill worked against me, while the body was fighting the cooler air there wasn’t enough reserve left to fight the intruders. This too shall pass and I won’t even remember the summer cold of 2010.

From Discontent

The only reason I am outside writing is that it is such a nice day; I have time, or I am willing to take the time, and although I could be doing any one of a hundred other things, I am doing this. I’ll transcribe it later into the blog.

Tomorrow is a holiday, Memorial Day. Bert wasn’t the first to say it but I heard it from him, “Now that I’m retired, every day is a holiday except one, that’s Sunday.” That’s true for me as well. As I look around the neighborhood, I see many things wanting to be done but people are too busy with other obligations or just not focused on doing that particular thing at the moment. Others pick and choose what they want to do and so do I and I have more freedom than many.

My wife is in St. Louis. Whenever she’s away I feel a little at loose ends, without purpose, because underlying all, we are taking care of each other, she-me and I-her. Not interfering with each other, not causing the other problems but doing each our part for the other. So when she’s gone I am not concerned with doing for her and I realize that life without her would be very different.

I had thoughts of making a change, pursuing s.t. else, i.e., I was feeling that I wanted to start s.t. new or different. As I thought about it I became aware that is a recurring theme in my life; set a course, get started down a path, then before it can play itself out, decide to do something else. Well into it, to get discontented and impatient with progress and start to feel that there is s.t. new, exciting, and different to do and then go look for what it could be. And yet in the past, I was able to remain on a course and got back to whatever it was in the first place. So it was this time, only I was able to recognize the mind set and not waste much psychic energy on it. Even now I am not too interested in writing about it because these lines are expository and not analytical. IOW this mind set has been resolved and abandoned. I am back to the script, the club, the crop, and the cue.

It is interesting however to reflect on the discontent and resolution that occurred last week. It was as if I’d lost my way and then found it again. It is a valuable exercise, to write about it, because just like when engaged in a mindless chore I have thoughts of what else I’d rather/could be doing, so too the referenced mind-set is a way of asking that same question but on a broader plane. The results this time were to return to the dreams and pursue them. It was a validation.

I am doing what I want. I am performing, riding, playing golf and pool. I am also doing comm’y things in Rotary Club and taking care of the house and home. That which has the biggest influence on me, both consciously and not, is the set of daily affirmations I have developed. They have had a profound effect on my behavior and attitude. They continue to operate on a level that is not always in the foreground. There are some of the thirty-four that have been fully incorporated into my mien; there are others that are said, believed, and thought to be important but not yet part of the fabric of my day to day. For example it is easy to say, “Maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive” and quite another thing to react to situations that are not consistent with my preferences and/or perception of what they should be. Since this one is relatively new, it is a ruler to measure what is desired v. this is what it is. So it is with all of the dailies, they are standards, a code, desired behaviors, and as such give me a chart for guidance. I get off course but with the chart I can see where I am and make corrections, or not.

When I reflect on my performance evolution routine, these dailies, and my activities, I see that I am wending my way through a pleasant lifetime. And I suppose this is the source of my aforementioned discontent. It would seem that with the sophistication I have reached with my plotting and scheming that I could be accomplishing much more significant results. It begs the question, what is significant? I refer to my model of accomplishment and I am reminded that it is measurable in objective terms and not in subjective, i.e., not the perceptions of others. I have not achieved appropriate skill levels in my pursuits and thus prone to discouragement from time to time.

Another piece of the puzzle may be/could be that I am not concerned enough with the betterment of mankind. IOW I am not helping someone else; I am not responsible for anyone else, other than my wife, taking care to see to their welfare. At least I don’t feel that I am.

A third piece may be my envy of others whom I know, who seem to be better off, more accomplished, earning more, making more, living better than we. A fourth piece that is less in play is the “grass is greener” syndrome. This one may be tied to the previous piece in that others always seem to be better off; but upon closer scrutiny it is found that they have problems and situations that are much worse and they are not someone with whom I would trade places. This or that may be better but only this or that and not the whole.

So I am back to where I was after my walk the other day; i.e., I am reaffirmed in my resolve to act, ride, play pool and golf. These are the rocks of my activities with performing being the money-maker and the others providing satisfaction of different kinds.

Escape from Reality

Some philosophical thoughts that have been invading my mind of late need to be expressed. I’ll do it in this format but they may appear again in verse or allegory when probed.

One of these is the phenomenon of looking at a field of flowers and then regarding individual plants or rows. I have a photo of a field of lavender in France and it has a high degree of resolution. When one focuses on the overall visual effect of the field of flowers, one sees a sea of lavender color, romantic/rustic shapes of rural buildings which could be houses or utility buildings in the background, further back are hills of brown and various earthy hues. It is a photo that begs an impressionist to paint; to take out the reality and leave the impression, the fantasy of perfection, the escape from dust and weeds.

When one focuses his gaze in on the foreground, he notices caliche soil, the rangy individual plants that are individually less than attractive. There are weeds, dead, gnarly branches, that exist at the sub floral level. Not that any of this is ugly but definitely not as romantically beautiful as the overall scene of a sea of lavender color. This aspect of it would not be in the impressionist’s picture. This effect, this eliding of detail, the deliberate ignorance of detail also exists in almost every scene that we see. It is a sort of escape from reality. This was emphatically made apparent to us by the impressionist painters where the focus was on the overall visual effect of the scene as opposed to photographic/scientific reality. It is an escape that we readily make from the real world.

Last night, I assisted with the dismantling and removal of the stage props that make up the set for our mystery-dinner play, Murder in Cairo, at the Hyatt-Regency hotel in downtown Louisville. The fact that the hotel is two-faced was impressed upon me as we moved from one side to the other. There is the public side and the service side.

The public side is full of glass and polished surfaces, the walls are stylishly covered in currently tasteful colors, floors are carpeted with patterned carpets and the whole effect bespeaks luxury and wealth. It is maintained to impress guests and swallow them up in the ambiance of their surroundings and induce a certain low-level euphoria making them feel that all is perfect in this little corner of the world and made so just for them.

The service side is familiar to those who work at the hotel, who are there, not for the escape from reality but to provide the escape to the patrons, those who pay for the care free perfection and freedom from reality for a short time. Those who provide same get paid to do so.

Surely, some are there just because it is the only job they could get but they stay there because there is a certain satisfaction that they feel; also perhaps because it is easier to come back to the hotel and be paid than to try to find another job. Others are there because they have the romantic notion that this is what they want to with a major part of their time.

This service-side is analogous to the close up of the lavender field. The service area is the antithesis of the public side. It smells of discarded food in garbage containers; the surfaces are scuffed, dented, scarred with careless movements of heavy carts, in need of paint and repair but not littered with trash. The people who work there are aware of the condition of their surroundings and accept them because they are engaged in work activities, service to those on the public side who are willing to pay for it.

The dividing line between the public and service sides is a veil that is more than facilities, it is also psychological. The servers have different attitudes depending on which side they are on. When they are facilitating the escape they are polite, friendly, unhurried, and solicitous but as soon as they pierce the veil they are hell-bent on whatever they need for their next appearance on the public side, they are purposeful and it comes across as mean and rude but it is better described as business-like.

The business of providing escape is huge. It is everywhere from the TV in your family room to the most luxurious cruise ship afloat and the path winds through the movie house, the play house, the banquet rooms, ballrooms, hotels, casinos, Disney World, Las Vegas, New York City, San Francisco, London, and Paris to name a few of the stops along the way. It is the product of Marketing, with a capital M, the fantasy of promise,which if delivered becomes a sustained business. If not delivered, or if delivered poorly it is viewed as a get rich quick scheme and a flash in the pan. The losers are those who pay for escape and don't get it. 

Telemarketers who deliver $2 worth of product for $19.95, but-wait-we’ll-double-it-if-you-call-right-now are the stars of the get rich quick game. They create the fantasy and set the hook in anywhere from one to twenty-four minutes. Once in a while they call to mind a real need but their effort is aimed at creating a perceived need and a sense of urgency to satisfy it. Marketers in general do this in magazines, on-line, in stores, in newspapers, on billboards, on radio, and TV, even in the guise of program content as on the David Letterman show. There are other media but these are a few that come to mind.

So in our day to day world we tend to buy into the fantasy of escape and are willing to pay for the opportunity to do so. The job, stage, playing field all tend to bring us back to reality when we are the worker, performer, or player. It’s good to work, perform, and play but an escape from time to time is refreshing, even for those who provide escape for others.

A Horse, of Course

I have it in mind to publish a post but I don’t have in mind what I want to express. I thought of the hierarchy diatribe but I did that last year at about this time. Then I thought about a lot of other things but can’t seem to settle on any one so I’m back to an old trick, i.e., start writing and see what comes out of the pipe.

The news is delivered on-line and on paper. Since I bought the roll around hospital table, put the laptop on it, and located it next to my seat at the kitchen table, I’ve got the news at my fingertips every day; even France2 television news where I can listen to what’s important to the French today. I have more fun with the on-line because there is the opportunity to comment. There are those who make a game/hobby/ diversion out of it and even argue with others who don’t subscribe to their thinking as expressed in their comments. There are even some who take umbrage at my comments, which are often made simply to get a rise out of the regulars. Some probably spend most of the day at the keyboard, commenting on comments made by others. Some of the “discussions” go on for days and there are several blocks of reply to quotes.

I am getting very close to buying a horse. I am particularly fond of Skippy, a horse I’ve been riding for a few months. He is somewhat young and inexperienced but willing and slowly getting into shape. Carola is upset with me because of this but I’ve told her, over and over, that this year is when I am going to get a horse of my own. Realistically, I only have a few more years of riding because sooner or later age, wear, and tear are going to take their toll on this body of mine. But I figure, if I can get five or six years more years of riding, I could conceivably get Skippy to the point of competing in events.

Let’s talk about this a little. The scenario would be to buy him from Carol and keep him at Mint Springs Stables. My status would change from rider to boarder; no more tack, or supplies from her. I need to ask her what the deal is for those who board their horses there. I want the facts of cost, what’s allowed and not, what approvals are necessary for using the facilities such as arena, jump field, jumps, wash rack, in which pasture he would be kept, and trailer rental.

Then, what about trailering? The horse would have to be trailer broken. I may have to get a vehicle capable of pulling a trailer. The incidental tack would not be a problem but I would need a winter blanket and a thick rubber pad for his withers. I wouldn’t want to do this on the cheap because when you pull into a show facility, there is an image that has to be maintained. Not that I want to make a big horse farm splash, but I want to be able to stand tall and be proud of my horse, my tack, and my rig.

There is no need to keep him at Mint Springs but I could continue to train him there as I am. I think it all depends on the deal. If she is willing to give and take on the use of the place and not be too picayune about what, where and when; then I would probably be as happy to stay there as move him.

The next thing is for what would I be using him? Cross-country, dressage, and stadium jumping is what I like to do the most including schooling at the Horse Park, or Masterson Station, after that trail riding in state and/or city parks, then competition but only on occasion to see how we stack up according to a judge. I may have to work with Carol to put her X-country course back into shape and that would be a major effort, requiring more than me working alone. But I see the remnants of a first class course.

This could get into a major time commitment, the riding, the training, the rebuilding, farm maintenance, and working to get the money together to maintain the horse. I think the monthly expenses would have to be earned or from economies from other activities but I would buy him and associated assets out of inheritance money.

This whole idea will have to be the subject of a planning project, starting with some creative thinking/ problem solving to get it all thought through. Probably the major thing is the question, why would I have a horse? The answer may well be that I would be better off without one. But then, why would I have a sailboat? Why would I have a business? Why would I build a house? Why would I get married? Why would I go to Europe, why would I do anything? The answer is always, because that’s what I want, that’s what I am driven to do. Most of what I have desired in life doesn’t stand the cold test of rational decision making. The sequence of events is, make the decision, and then figure out how to make it work. There is always that leap of faith that has to be made. One makes up his mind to do something and then do it.

The pattern seems to be romantic v. materialistic when it comes to devoting my time to an endeavor. When I think of devoting time and effort to “making money” I quickly lose interest in the process. It is a lot like design engineering, drudgery. The results were fun during the creative phase but then it became a matter of cranking out numbers. I think I’ve found my avenues: acting, pool, golf, and riding; the script, the cue, the club, the crop.

The Spirits We Encounter

If you have been following the evolution of my thinking for a long time, you will know that I have had experiences that make me think that I was at a certain place in a previous lifetime. Well, it comes to me that there may a different source of these feelings.

If a being dies after having established his permanency, it could be that he remains as a disembodied spirit. As such he may be sans senses, IOW unable to see, hear, taste, smell or touch but at the same time can be aware of what is going on. Much like watching a movie, without senses he is missing the full sensation of what it “feels” like to be alive except for his memories of same that are frozen in the last lifetime he had. So, he’s out there, hanging around; I say that because there is no clue as to what he is doing in his perfected existence, and along comes a kindred being, alive and sensible, who can be used for a few moments to get the latest on how it “feels” to be in this place again.

Some of my experiences could be considered intrusions. IOW, while in the kitchen of the chateau in Chantilly when I experienced the heat of the stove even though it had been cold for more than 100 years. Was it that a spirit, who was hanging around the chateau kitchen, took the opportunity to enjoy the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feelings at that instance using my senses to do so? The same thing can be said for the experience on the Great North Road in Doncaster environs, or on Maui, or in Houston, or in almost every place I’ve been including old neighborhoods here in Louisville.

This is not to say that recurrence doesn’t occur, this phenomenon could be in addition to recurrence. These bodies, in which we live, may not be single purpose machines but able to be used for any and all types of activities. It’s as if a roaming spirit asks if he can drive the bus for a few moments.

Unfortunately the intrusion may possibly become inhabitation that could lead to all sorts of results, results that could be judged by current morals and ethics to be incredibly good or terribly evil. Perhaps it is the quality of the brain-body that draws to it the spirit who would inhabit and use it as his own. That would mean some sort of contest may have to be made with the currently developing being moving aside to allow the unfulfilled one to take over. There are stories about this sort of thing, where one sells his soul. Could this be an interpretation of the parable where it is said, “What good does it do a man to gain the world but lose his soul?”

It leads me to at least one conclusion, a requirement to disallow dislocation and re-inhabitation. I feel that I am a developing being, the current day product of who knows how many previous lifetimes. One who is interested in developing as far as possible in this one and then doing it again and again until the realization is achieved that it has gone as far as it can.

So much for that line of thinking; there is another thought that has been intruding on my peace of mind of late. I’ll set it up. There is a continuing round of good luck going on for me that is extraordinary. Not that we’ve won the lottery or anything big like that, but little things that make life pleasant and even fun. Things turn out beautifully so many times due to coincidences that are inexplicable. I’ll list a few later but won’t describe them in too much detail because it would be impolite but take my word for it; there have been instances where my good fortune has been a joy.

It makes me wonder if Mom isn’t somehow around us and sending good fortune our way. I know that sounds kooky but it is has been happening more and more lately and, hey, I’m not complaining. Just as the victims of terrible wrong sometimes hang around and get their vengeance, so too it may be that rewards for good come from those who benefitted from good treatment.

I remember one instance last summer when I was making my called shot on the eight ball to win the game and the match for the playoffs. The whole team was silently screaming at me not to put lower left hand English on the cue ball but I mistakenly thought that was the right thing to do. I made the eight ball, and the cue ball, as a result of the physics of billiards, naturally rolled to the near side pocket. But it stopped a quarter of an inch from the opening and remained on the table. One of my mates even said, “That was your mom.”

Maybe it was, maybe not and that’s only one small, insignificant example of the many good little things that have come my way since last August. Another, this year I drew the queen of spades for $320 at the Rotary Club meeting. Another, the favorable change in riding instructors that occurred shortly after I restarted my lessons; and just today, I said I’d like to have a deli style slicer. I wheeled around to EBay and there was one ending in 19 minutes, I bid and got it. If I sat here a while I could list more than a hundred of them, all of little consequence other than making our lives more pleasant. I can only say, “Dear Mom, stay as long as you like.”

A conclusion that doesn’t make a lot of sense, other than it fits the circumstances of the experiences described by these two disparate ramblings; it could be that spirits are tied to their location of death for a while. There is no way of telling for how long and it may be individually determined. I recall “seeing” a group of grisly veterans hanging around a roadside cemetery in France. The experiences of Chantilly, Doncaster, Maui, and the host of other places always take place at or near the location. Mom died here.

You Are Good Enough

There is an item of self-talk that has caused much difficulty and it was finally isolated and identified recently. The message heard over and over is, “You’re not good enough.” This was mistaken at one time as not being worthy but that isn’t the case. It has little to do with self esteem, another mistaken identity upon which much time was spent working. It has little to do with activity, action, or accomplishment. It is an emotional response that is usually in evidence when attempting something new and different—after the first time. There have been so many instances where the first attempt was above average but then this voice started between the first and follow-on attempts and sabotaged the activity. It is as if some perfect ideal is imagined and then cannot be achieved.

It may be the reason why I spend so much time preparing for s.t. I have not been able to quiet this voice, this feeling, except through overdoing preparation. There are many instances of this, especially when in new and strange surroundings. In fact, often my prepared material is way off base but it is complete, it is thorough, it passes the weight test. In hindsight I can see where this motto has caused me to take an overly idealistic course of action and find out later that it was inappropriate or even wasted effort. Often these were instances when I either didn’t or couldn’t get good advice from others in the know.

It is in evidence as the first opinion of an effort as poor, be it a sketch, poem, story, presentation, or portrayal which later changes from unsatisfactory to “that was pretty good.” I have picked up sketches just a few hours after completion, which upon completion I thought to be terrible, only to be impressed by them.

I don’t know the genesis of this mantra. It may have been impressed upon me at an early age and/or may well be the result of a lot of small experiences that reinforced this feeling. It is certain that my cynical, harsh judge is often behind it. He holds up perfect ideals and castigates me for not being perfect. The remedy is rationality, objectivity, common sense, and association with people who are genuinely objective in their opinions of others.

This last group is hard to identify, especially with the experience of hearing back biting insults that are often spoken when the subject is not present. I always project that these same things are being said about me in my absence. In fact, most of the time my absence isn’t even noticed, IOW out of sight out of mind. I have almost lost my sensitivity to the opinion of others so the need for reinforcement and acceptance is not as strong as it once was.

The truth of the matter is that I am not all that great at just about everything. I developed the ability to talk a good game due to the profession I chose, i.e. business management. And it was usually the business of others; at a level where I didn’t have to do much of anything, except conceptualize what needed to be done and then make sure that it was accomplished. My vanity grew to the point where I supposed my game to be as good as my talk. It has taken years to recognize this and it was even true up to the recent past few years. Then there came the time when the structure of accomplishment became evident to me, i.e. the Knowledge, Skill, Value, Medals, Awards model, and I became aware that I had just a few skills that were only borderline good and only one of some commercial value.

The vanity that drove me to over achieve and impress my peers and observers is finally abating. This is a good thing because the need to excel coupled with the inability to do so is devastating. The pressure to perform is only now easing to the point where I am not involved in self-flagellation whenever I see my efforts fall short of expectation. It is bad enough to fall short of my own expectations but even worse to think that the expectations of others aren’t met. Imagining the expectations of others to be beyond the scope of my capabilities has led to a few heroic results and to disastrous results at most others. Unmet expectations are the root of the frustrations one feels playing golf; they are likewise frustrating whenever unmet for any endeavor but at golf you can’t get away from it, you have to walk up to the ball and attempt to hit it accurately again.

So, there was conditioning that led to this development from early on, reinforced by being a professional manager in a large organization of similar managers for a whole career/lifetime (31 years); this culminated in (1) being forced out of one organization, (2) joining another that had an impossible business model, and (3) surfing that wave all the way to the beach; a ride that lasted 10 years and then petered out. That’s the major league syndrome, where very few people are good enough to be the stars of their profession.

The realization that I am in fact good enough to enjoy a variety of activities and comfortable at not being a star is finally settling in. I am good enough just as I am. I’ve done many good and wonderful things, very few of them perfectly, and will continue without the goal of perfection, adulation, or fame. The goal now is to enjoy the ride. I have a healthy and fit body, a good mind, and lots of interests to be pursued. After taking care of my bodily needs, all I need is a place to be, something to do, someone to do it with, and the anticipation of something good happening.

Realizing the Dream

Ok, I am going to start writing this one and see if it can be made to be understood. It could be a bit like the three blind fakirs describing the elephant, each felt a different part of the elephant, each a different description.

The concept of “presents” was introduced in these notes a while back, perhaps before they were put into the blog. Simply stated a “present” is a situation in which the Being is involved; it can be a course of action taken to accomplish something, or a predicament imposed by life experiences involving others or not. There are many presents that are being pursued simultaneously and with varying degrees of success at any given second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, decade, and lifetime. They vary in duration, some are completed quickly, others are never completed but abandoned, still others continue sporadically or constantly for a lifetime.

An example of the overlays that occur would be getting bachelor degree. One has a dream to do so and begins a whole series of “presents” that eventually lead to graduation. These include registration, scheduling time to meet requirements, attendance, homework, preparation for exams, interaction with other students and faculty, recreation, maintenance of diet, health, transportation, wardrobe, and sanity. Plus all the while this is happening, the Being may be involved in a job where he has other demands of schedule, responsibility, and attendance; he may be involved in a romantic liaison/or two, he may have other endeavors that he pursues, there are family situations with which to deal, extracurricular organizations and activities in which he is involved. Each of these is a “present” and not all of them vector towards getting a bachelor degree; some even vector in an opposing direction. They combine in a Boolean sense and he may get his degree or not. This whole mélange is what happens during a lifetime of dreams (career, love, riches, and renown.)

There is a sage adage that says, “Life is what happens while you’re waiting for your dreams to come true.” Life in this adage refers to everything else to which one must attend while working to attain his dream(s). It is the day job that an actor must have.

There is a graveyard of dreams; interred therein are what could have been. The rest of this entry is an attempt to understand how to achieve a dream and then the next “et ainsi de suite.”

The powerful force for achieving a dream is a persona that has been given the name Driver. Since that naming he has been further described in a previous blog as Super Johnny. That blog described an aspect of him that emerges when he does not have a clear direction; it is a distracted Driver. The success of the Being depends on how clearly Driver understands the dream. A good Driver will keep a balance of activities such that the Being pursues all the necessary “presents” but likewise successfully works to achieve the dream.

A good question is from whence the dream? It may bubble up from the depths of the Being’s experience in this and former lifetimes; it may be a consensus reached by/of other personae; it may have been articulated by personae that have an axe to grind from the distractions of pride and/or vanity. IOW it can come from almost any interior source of desire or dissatisfaction. And then there’s the complication of more than one dream. More than one can be achieved, in fact often some minor dreams are fulfilled while a major one or more are in progress.

Articulating dreams is a major activity. The brain processes impressions, it reacts to stimulation. It seems that the human brain has become sensitive to language and acts in response to verbal as well as sensual impressions. Sensual impressions are reactive, IOW they cause the brain-body to act in order to ease discomfort or experience pleasure. Words have become a link between imagination and sensual reaction.

The brain-body has the mental capacity to remember, to imagine, to reason, which is directed imagination, to reach conclusions, and decide to take action or refrain. This tool of imagination is where the dream is conceived and reasoning is the tool used to work out the realization of that dream. Language has become our way of making dreams real.

The Personae and the brain-body are easily distracted by events occurring around them and lose focus easily. One of the major tasks of Driver is to assure that appropriate personae pursue dreams. There are a multitude of personae, so many different dreams can be pursued simultaneously. The way that Driver can be kept from distraction is to have the dreams articulated in concise written language and use that as a reminder of what is desired until a strong sensual impression is formed. Remembering has become the weakest of the brain-body faculties and the recorded word was invented about five thousand years ago to assist recall.

Transforming dreams from articulated ideas to strong sensual impressions is difficult to achieve without a strong emotional impulse being involved. This is a good thing; otherwise we would be frenetically going in diverse directions, out of control. Working through articulation to impression allows maturation of the dream to assure that it is the desired result after all. It could be that the occasional strong sensual impression that is made is accepted or rejected by Master.

These occasional strong sensual impressions can form dreams that are pursued without articulation. These are sometimes operating in the background without the effort of Driver becoming involved. These dreams can be from this or previous lifetimes and pursued by personae who are working more or less independently to fulfill Master’s desires.

Master is working to fulfill the requirements of reaching some level of existence that is difficult to imagine and therefore articulate, so he works in mysterious ways. He is mute, he is patient, and he is strong. The other members of the team do what they can to fulfill his requirements; it is wonderful if they are successful; if not there is always another lifetime, forever.