Now I ask the question, am I living in the past? There are some indications: I am fascinated by history and archives, read/listen to books that are written, as are all books, in the past tense, look at old pictures, listened in rapt attention as mom recounted her life to me, have made a record of my life from birth through the present in logs and analysis, and have a set of goals and plans for the current year and weekly set out tasks that will move toward attaining them, this puts the accomplishment of the task in the past because the present was the instant of describing it.
During those intervals when I have nil to do, I tend to hearken back instead of being in the present. This leads me to inaction primarily on the social front, just like right now. I am analyzing where I am and where I’ve been and what I’m doing and not doing instead of being out among people. This is a regular thing for me; especially when I am doing s.t., I tend to think beyond the present to when this is going to be finished and, therefore, be less involved in the present.
The amount of time I spend alone in my world is the majority. I purposely don’t watch TV except for games and news to keep from being absorbed into living life vicariously. I work puzzles, read, analyze, plot and scheme when I am not walking or exercising. It seems that I am reluctant to participate with others even when I am with them; I tend to withdraw emotionally unless we are playing a game.
I seem to be guarded in my relationships and it is more from avoiding an unfavorable reaction than anything else. I am wrong in my predictions of another’s reaction almost all of the time and, therefore, have very little confidence in my ability to read s.o. There have been enough unfavorable repercussions from my statements, actions, and inactions that I am gun-shy of saying or doing anything that can be considered inappropriate. Sometimes I think that I can do this or that because I would allow it, or at least put up with it, if it was done to me, the old Golden Rule idea; wrong. Often I am the little French cabbie who broke one little rule and got hammered. So, I retreat into my intellect and memory. These are two safe places that I’ve come to recognize. I don’t interact with anyone for anything other than the time of day, lest it be misinterpreted and a foul called.
This living in the past is not such a bad thing except that I am not pleased with it. It seems that I am missing a lot of opportunities without even knowing it. Like driving a bus, which has tinted windows, down the highway of life insulated against outside noise, traffic, and weather, only interacting with personae that are in/on the bus except for the occasional stop and walk about. I am so well planned and scheduled that there is almost no spontaneity in my life and when there is, I am suspicious of it and shy away from involvement. Someone always seems to get hurt and this leads to blame, criticism, hurt feelings, and guilt, all of which I eschew. If I don’t play, then I don’t lose.
Interacting with people leads to seeing opportunities; this is what classes at UofL do for me. “To get what I want, I ask” is invoked regularly without disappointment, when I ask for s.t. specific, I get a response; be it from the professor or fellows. The benefit of being involved in the first line of the work has produced good results in my performances. I would like to be involved on the second line but it just isn’t happening. The same can be said about my relationship with the cast in a play. We are working together on the third line but not on the second. Is it that I am not working along the second line in any endeavor? A quick aside: work on the self is first line, work with/for others is the second line, and work to advance the greater good is the third line.
A quick mental review of my endeavors indicates that this is indeed the case. Some endeavors lend themselves to work on all three lines but not all of those that have a second line are being pursued along that line, save pool, riding, and golf. This is disappointing because the second and third lines are where opportunities are discovered. So what is the problem?
First of all, it is a lack of emotional content in my life with a resulting lack of involvement with others; it shows up in my acting. Others are involved only when necessary to move toward a good performance. And then there are opportunities foregone. These are like trees falling in the forest that no one hears. I am constrained by my imagination, which is good but needs stimulation, and limited to that which I can accomplish with little outside assistance other than answers to specific questions.
G’s mirror would reflect a person who is not involved with others to any great degree. Acquainted with many but working with none, except occasionally and as necessary but are there results? Yes, beaucoup de results when measured against the described desired end results determined each year in a vacuum between Xmas and the New Year.
One strategy that that works and I can use more widely is to put myself in target rich environments. This requires some imagination and determination because my experience with people has been spotty. Often those who are responsive turn out to need more from me than I from them. Almost like the Groucho Marx line that he didn’t want to belong to a club that would allow him to join. The answer here is quick determination and a more objective go-no go decision made. Once involved with another, take care to remain objective about the relationship. It seems to reinforce the original thesis that I am not emotionally involved in my life.
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