Why Did That Happen?

At a time between 1973 and 1976, the Administrative and Technical Services Department was in a crisis of poor self image in the shipyard.  The company was very old, had a great reputation and employed about 30,000 people in jobs that ran the full gamut of responsibility.  The heroes worked on the big ships, the underdogs supported the heroes and that was the rub.  The division unfairly assumed a subordinate rank.

The company produced a public relations piece that was superb.  It told the rich history and achievement of the company over its long history.  When I saw it on public TV, I was duly impressed by it and a light bulb went off in my head!

I was the person to whom the Admin and Tech Services division reported.  This represented a fine opportunity to let all of the people working in it, about 350 souls, just how important they were to the operation.  So I organized a showing of the film in the Apprentice School auditorium and in several shifts ushered in all of the people to see it.  I delivered a prologue introduction and epilogue reinforcing their role in the operation.

It had the desired effect.  The division transformed into a much more enthused group of people.  Oh, there were those who would never be of a positive mind but, by and large, the attitude was to be much more proud of working in this division in this company.

Shortly after the event I was summoned to the office of the VP of Human Resources.  There I was harshly criticized for having done this.  It seems that the union was now pushing for the entire shipyard to get to go to see the show; a demand that wasn't met.  My own boss, VP of Engineering and Administration, simply said to me, "That was dumb."  I wanted to argue my point but was silenced with a raised hand.  I was also left to figure out for myself why that idea wasn't very good.

It took a long time but I finally came to some conclusions.  The biggest lesson was that in a large organization, or even family, one should get some advice and input from trusted advisers who are a bit removed and can offer objective observations before doing something affecting the rest.  It delays the decision but sometimes a lost opportunity is better than one taken without regard for the effect on others. 

Ground Hog Day

Living with someone who has memory problems is a lot like the movie Ground Hog Day.  The same situations keep coming up and are resolved, only to reappear a little later as if never addressed previously.

There seem to be two categories of memory lapse.  One is not remembering what transpired and the other is not remembering that we already talked about this; both combined with a marked deficiency in imagination.

There is a need for me to keep my perspective and not remind her of any of this.  Although sometimes I simply say, I’m not going to tell you the answer to that again, I've already told you three times.  This sounds unkind but at the same time it is accepted as fact and we go on.  It also defends my sanity because after the third time it begins to freak me out.

It is important for us both to have some outlets for social intercourse.  The inclusion of others in our activities and the exclusion of each other in some activities allows for resetting the counters to zero in the patience department for both of us.

What worries me most is the lack of outside activities in which she is willing to participate.  After Xmas and the departure of the family, she became reclusive to the point of causing me some real concern.  If we go out, and we often do, it is always together to an event that I have suggested.  Rarely, if ever, does she suggest something.

Finally, after much encouragement, she ventured out to the wellness center and joined it to go to the therapy pool for exercise twice a week with some friends of hers.  This, in my opinion, was a big step forward in the process of getting out there.

The fact that she forgot that she drove the car to the wellness center and didn't discover the lapse until she came home with others to an empty garage didn't help any.  It was quite a shock to her.  In an unrelated accident she broke her shoulder and the aerobics went away for four months and is only now restarting, slowly.

It is my opinion that part of the problem is knowing that she has this memory deficiency frightens her and has led to a crisis of confidence.  She will have to overcome this in order to function independently and I think she knows this and is willing to give it a try.

It requires a lot of patience to see and hear this and not react to it except to ignore some or go back over what was done or said so she is reminded, over and over again.  This isn't difficult but has an effect on my ability to function.  There are times that I doubt my own memory of things but I’m reassured when I check it.

Where do we go from here?  “For better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, until death do us part” That is the deal.  We will stay here as long as we can.  I've seen the care in residential facilities for people who have to be there and it will be a last resort.

When mom had to have rehabilitation, she went to the best one in town and they almost killed her.  She was constipated so the weekly doctor visit resulted in instructions to give her a laxative.  This caused diarrhea and the nurse kept giving her the laxative!  

The food was way too much for her, so we brought hot soup and other nutrition to her on our own.  I swore then that she’d never go back to the hospital or a nursing home no matter what because they would only succeed in killing her.   I am of the same opinion still.

My strategy is to deal with it, one day at a time.  I am smart enough, objective enough, and caring enough to make the decisions that are necessary when they are necessary and not before.

This house is a masterpiece of convenience and livability.  The neighborhood is safe and the community is mixed both in age and ethnicity.  There is no reason to leave it except for the transportation aspect of it.

The next big hurdle will be when we lose our driving privileges.  That will be a shocker and may cause us to move out of this house.  That will come later because there is no age limit for a license, only capability to drive, i.e. see, hear, drive, and obey the law.

Who knows, there may come a time when mobility may be enhanced with cabs, shuttles, and mass transit being linked from the neighborhood, say the lodge, and a nearby shopping center providing a link to the rest of the city but there is much to be done for this to happen.

We are on our own, there aren't many, if any, others here that we can count on in any continuing way but paid assistance is available..  There are many that I can call upon for a favor here and  there but none that can come in on any regular basis should that become necessary and I don’t think it will.  And this is OK for the present and for the foreseeable future 

It would be to our great advantage to expand our social support system.  The women of the sorority are there for Carola.  If, and it is a big if, we could find a church to join that would not be onerous to me; that would be a big help.

There will, however, come a time in 15 years, or so, when neither of us will be able to take care of the other.  It is at that point that we will have to call upon the kids.  The timing is about the same as it was for my mom and dad, age 85 for them, but it will probably be a later for us.

So for planning purposes, there is nothing to be done at present except, of course, to maintain the health and vitality of this brain-body.  There are considerations for the future but they will be handled in due course.  Then the further out future will have to be addressed at some point—down the road a ways.

Mind the Yellow Line

Running longer distances on a more than a once-a-week schedule for about 15 years taught me a few things about life and living.  The one that I missed, in retrospect, was the effect of being twenty pounds overweight and still running longer distances.  The end result was a herniated disc and the end of running for me.  A word of caution to would-be athletes out there is to listen to your body.

 

I also figured out that weight and fitness are not related.  This was deduced after watching older, heavier runners pass me with impunity.  One can be overweight and fit; more so than a thinner person who is not so fit.

 

Also in retrospect, I was not a runner but a jogger, one who covered distances faster than at a walk but certainly not the three-hour marathon pace.  One needs some training insights from experienced runners to keep the pace.

There were, however, many enjoyable mornings and afternoons spent in the solitude of running and thought.  Many of the insights that shape my thinking about life and living were experienced while “on the trail” either running or, later, walking.

There was a phenomenon of note that deserves a few words.  It concerns drivers and the yellow line.

I ran along the edge of the road, facing traffic, and at most times there was little or no traffic on the road in either direction.  After many instances of meeting cars coming towards me, I began to mentally keep track of the drivers and their way of dealing with encountering a lone runner along the road especially when the yellow line was on their side of the center line.

Drivers came in two categories, male and female.  With no yellow line in place, the drivers would invariably move to the other side and pass safely giving me the runner a wide berth.

With the yellow line in place, more than 90% of the male drivers would still move to the other side and give me a wide berth; the female divers, however, were a different story.  More than 90% of them would not cross the yellow line, even if it meant me jumping the ditch to avoid being hit.  Why?  Rules are made to be obeyed without regard to common sense.

While in Neuss Germany on a visit to the plant there, my French companion and I were on our way back to the hotel where we were staying and it was about three in the morning.  I’m not going to tell why we were out so late, it has nothing to do with this story.

We were walking along the sidewalk and came to an intersection.  The light was red in our direction and the “Don’t Walk” sign, in German, was lit.  There on the corner stood a German man waiting for the light to change.  Michel and I walked on across the street because at that time of morning there was absolutely no traffic on the street.  The man dutifully waited for the light to change.  Why?   Rules are made to be obeyed without regard to common sense.  Michel said, this is the difference between the French and the Germans.

We are just coming off of a debacle in our club, there were some agreements made that weren't documented and it has caused a great deal of upheaval.  There are no minutes of board meetings for the past several years; an agreement was made, not documented, and then denied.  A principal to the agreement had a stroke and lost his memory.  No records, undocumented expenses, reputations besmirched, resignations requested, and still without minutes of board meetings.

Meanwhile, at a recent event there was a $20 expense for coffee that could have been reimbursed from the tips received at the event; and it would have been done with.  But we are now told that it has to be approved by the board of directors and a voucher and check have to be issued to cover the expense.

A petty cash item of $20 for coffee is being treated like the expenditure of $100’s of dollars for supplies for the club.  This determination was made by Madam President; she is not German but does drive a car.  Why?   Rules are made to be obeyed without regard to common sense.

There is no way of teaching common sense; it is something that is learned through experience if the person is open to it.  Some people, men and women, have little or no imagination, or have stifled their imagination to make it ineffective, and are then missing one of the main ingredients of making decisions.  The whole list is memory, imagination, reasoning, and decision making.

It is an iterative process that is confirmed or modified by experience and the loop is made again and again until the results are acceptable.  This may be why in many cultures age is revered, the older person has had the benefit of experience.

The yellow line, the “Don’t Walk” sign, the minor amount are all examples of rigidity in thinking that kill progress and innovation.  OTOH, there is the danger of rationalizing almost any action for the convenience of the actor. 

This is where morals and ethics enter into the picture.  One must have a good set of them in order to keep from making expedient decisions that don’t stand the scrutiny of hind-sight.

We aren’t talking religion here; religion prescribes a code of conduct that includes morals and ethics but adds eternal damnation to the mix for violating one or more of the rules.  This may be another reason: Why? Rules are made to be obeyed without regard to common sense.

More and more, I am reaching the conclusion that religion should be divorced from organizations that are not religious by definition and a good set of morals and ethics take its place.  The French enacted such a separation of church and state in 1905 based on the principle of laicite’.

Life is good and I appreciate having this blog to write my thoughts.  In a big way it allows me to get them out of my head without causing a lot of trouble for me with others.

We Are So Great!

There is a delightful man, Professor Rufus Fears, who does Great Courses programs.  One of these is Life Lessons from the Great Books in which he brings an everyday understanding of historical works that speak to us, are written in noble language, and have deep meaning for us.

It is precisely this course to which I am now listening and about which I have had some thoughts of my own.  Not that my thoughts are of any importance to anyone except me but then I write these little essays for me.

The first thing that comes to mind is that some of these great works were written so long ago, yet have come down to us in languages that are completely new to any used at the time of writing, or telling.  Even the Greek and Roman writings are now accessible to us in beautiful prose that we can understand but were written in languages that have since gone out of use, at least in the form used then.

I think this speaks to the scholarship of mankind, that some people would make a large part of their life’s work the assimilation and translation of an ancient language to the extent that they can faithfully translate the ideas given then.  Not just know the meaning of the words but faithfully express in a modern language the thoughts written so long ago by people living then.

Having these works available in words that we can understand also makes me aware of the depth of thought that has existed from the time when we, mankind, received the spark of intelligence that allowed us to express ourselves completely.

It can be argued that many animals communicate within their species and we don’t really know how completely this is accomplished.  Certainly when momma bear roars at the cubs, they get back to her immediately and we can only imagine the communication that takes place among ape and whale families.

We have had the remarkable advantage of having written words available to us, words written anywhere from 3000 BCE to now, in language that we can understand thanks to the work of scholars.

What/who decides what is worthy of posterity?  When one thinks of the quadrillions of words that have been recorded in the span of 5000 years, how is it that certain words are deemed worthy of preservation and others are rolled up like yesterday’s newspaper and put on the fire?

Professor Fears may say it’s natural selection; some may be due to flukes where this or that was found in legible form as was the Rosetta stone.  Thank goodness for that record because it allowed us to decipher the hieroglyphics.  One has to suppose that for all that have been preserved and handed down over the generations there have been millions and millions more that have faded into the gloom of the forgotten.

And we can recall the Egyptian, Greek, Roman civilizations, pre-Colombian American; the Jewish civilization that is still alive and well with traditions that go back thousands of years; Chinese, Japanese, Indian, and other Asian civilizations that continue. 

Yet there are other great civilizations that have come and gone without leaving much of a record.  These were located all over the globe including Europe, Asia, North and South America, Australia, and Oceania.  Without a written record, civilizations disappear with only the trace of artifacts to give us a glimpse but the record of their thinking is gone.

With or without the written record, it can be seen that the modern person is at no great advantage, other than having much more data at his disposal.  The conclusions to which he comes are still governed by memory, imagination, and reasoning.  The record of history shows that the imagination and decision making capability of the ancients and the moderns are comfortably similar.

There is some advantage in the memory category because included in this is all the data that is now available to the decision maker; because it is stored and accessible it is memory.  Yet the decisions made are as alarmingly flawed today as they have been in the past.

Another aspect of technology is communication.  Imagine a great fleet of warships afloat in the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean, barely in sight of one another.  They are making a coordinated effort to find the enemy fleet and engage it while keeping their position on the globe as secret as possible.  One of these has the Admiral aboard who is directing the effort.  His commands are transmitted via shuttered lights blinking a coded message from one ship to the next until all are informed.  The enemy fleet, found and engaged, was destroyed.

It could have been a 1000 W light bulb or carbon arc, it’s not important, but it wasn't a satellite orbiting the earth after being sent there by millions of pounds of force from rocket fuel, after years of research and development to develop the technology to assemble, launch and operate it.  No, it was a shuttered light bulb no more than 80 feet above the surface of the water.

One can argue that communication is much better now; I would only admit that it is faster but not better.  Being faster; often there is less thought given to the message.  Wars have been fought with communication by messenger and telegraph.  The successful side was the one with the superior strategy and intelligence, not the faster communication. 

Yes, we've come a long way but in essence we are the same human beings we have been since the great spark lit us some 200,000 years ago.  Our senses gather data, our reasoning melds memory and imagination to reach conclusions, and our decisiveness leads to taking an action.  Memory and imagination play a significant role in the equation; they, along with emotions, provide the color that would otherwise make us robotic.

We have children and they are not quite us but are heavily influenced by the genes passed along to them and how they are raised.  In the 200,000 year history of our species, we have arrived to the same point as every other generation before us, now.  

What and Why

A few weeks ago, I put down the question, “What am I doing right now, and why?”  This has had some surprising results.

The first, and perhaps expected, result is that I have often stopped whatever I was doing and did something more productive.  An example of this would be asking the question while looking at Google Maps for the fun of it.  Then stopping same and doing something more pertinent to my aim, such as looking at monologues or practicing pool.

A second, and somewhat surprising, result has been reflection on that question.  Taking a look at what I am doing over a longer span of time, say a day or week or even several.  Looking at what I do and asking, “Why?”

My actions seem to fall into categories.  One is the maintenance of this brain-body for health and fitness and include, primarily, eating and exercise.

A second category is the development of a desired image to display to the world.  Activities in this category include grooming, dress, interpersonal contact, and getting out into the community.

The third is doing in order to get a feeling of significant accomplishment.  These include accomplishments in acting, riding, pool, golf, cooking, and the French language. 

The fourth is to fulfill promises and take care of responsibilities.  I do what I am supposed to do and when I say I'll do something, I generally do.

Then there is a fifth category that has provided much satisfaction and that is philosophical or thinking about life and living.  The John Lina blog contains much of that thinking, expressed in essays on various aspects of it.

I have spent a lot of time on this category since the mid-nineties and even before.  The time before was spent thinking without writing it down, it was in the 90’s that I began writing it out and that was after making serious notes on my reading and exploration of the 4^th Way.

Aside: Aha!  The 5^th Category is the Fourth Way.  The 4^th Way is described by Ouspensky as being different from the other three ways, i.e. the ways of the monk, the yogi, and the fakir.  It is working on becoming permanent.

Now that this realization has been made, i.e. my five categories of activities, it is important to reflect for a while on how appropriate it is to continue along these lines.  At first blush I don’t see any compelling reason to change.

Certainly the activities that maintain health and fitness are important to my well-being.  Paying attention to my fitness and what I eat and drink is paramount to avoiding the distractions associated with aches, pains, and sickness.  If the brain-body is fit, then I can pursue the other activities with less distraction and fatigue.

The maintenance of a personal and public image are important to me as well.  If one could see the way I sit in the privacy of our home, one would not think there was much importance placed on image but in fact there is.  I assure that my hair is cut and combed, my nails clipped, check my reflection in the mirror, and critically assess my movements when I can see them on video.

My wardrobe is appropriate for any occasion that may arise from black tie to jeans and a T-shirt because I am in the world, interacting from time to time with others.  I have an underlying need to feel that my appearance is appropriate to the location and activity in which I am involved.  In stage-talk: that my make-up and costume fit my role.

Fulfilling responsibilities and promises, which by virtue of being made become similar to responsibilities, is what allows others to rely upon me to do what I am supposed to do, including what is legally required.

Thinking about life and living is my way of trying to make sense out of this lifetime.   I've expressed many thoughts on this matter and will continue to let my thinking evolve.  This is another way of saying that this activity is one that I feel is important and will be continued.  Since permanency is a possibility, as a servant of Master I am doing what I can to progress towards it in this lifetime.

That leaves the category of accomplishments.  It has been part of my psyche for as far back as I can remember.  My imagination gets tweaked by being made aware of it, whatever it is, and lo and behold decisions are made to get it or achieve it.

Getting some item or object is fairly easy, one need only use his personal and physical assets and his connections to get in the position of acquiring it, then ask for it and voila!

The other category, i.e. achieving it, is a bit more complex.  When the desired is a skill, not an object, the acquisition is more difficult.  What is desired is to be able to perform a process that will produce a desired result and be confident in that performance.  Ideally it is something that I enjoy doing and that others can vicariously enjoy, or even envy, when they observe me doing it.   

One can readily conclude that I know what I’m doing and why; what is missing is doing for others.  There is no provision for losing oneself in the service of another person, animal, place, or thing.  I don’t know if this is good or not; in any case it is not part of the activities list. 

There are those who devote their lives to others, it is apparent that I am not, have not been, of that frame of mind.  Even when caring for another I have put myself first. 

Observing me, that is what I see.  Is it good?  Is it bad? I don’t know but my conclusion is that it is what it is and that’s that.

Nothing is absolute and at this late stage of this lifetime I doubt if much is going to change.  I am, however, open to change and if Master were to make a different direction apparent to me, I would take it because I am the servant of Master.

A Pearl

Currently I am doing a one-on-one coaching session with a Voice over expert.  He has a proven track record in town with advertisers and with other voice over talent that I know.  We just finished session two and it is impressive; what a difference it makes to follow his direction and technique. 

Then next month I am enrolled in a workshop for acting and auditioning, a major part of acting.  What will my approach be?  One thing for sure, my coursework has led me to the conclusion that preparing a monologue is best accomplished if one gets into character first and then takes on the lines as that character.  Coupling this with the techniques from Radio Joe should bring some better results.

I am still disappointed with the results of my video auditions.  I don’t believe the auditors when they say, “Great.” Or “That’s a good one.” I simply don’t agree with their assessment.  It isn’t from an unrealistic and idealistic standard being applied but more objectively assessing what I just did; if that’s even possible.  On the auditors’ side there’s the fact that they aren’t there to coach me or develop my auditioning skill but to take the info and send it on.

The only way around this conundrum is to do what I’m doing and add video recording of faux auditions here at home.  Who knows I may even post some of them on face book when I am satisfied with them or post them as a video blog on John Lina; that’d be cool.

There is no better time to begin this process than right now; so I’ll plan out a time and place to do it and what the heck do it and see what happens.  I may even keep them in files that would allow me to see the difference now and then.  But then that is counterproductive and only serves to feed the ego, or devastate it.

There are so many talented people who don’t perform because of a lack of strength in the self image department.  It seems to me that one has to have an almost indestructible self-image and self-confidence; to have walked naked down the street and suffered the cat-calls and insults of the spectators, the unflattering photos in the news, the reviews that call for him to crawl into a hole and pull it in after him, and persevere.

I think the biggest mistake an actor can make is to put any importance in anything anyone else says, good or bad, about his performance.  There's the story of the actor who, upon being booed for his portrayal of Hamlet said, "Don't boo me, I didn't write this stuff."

The only people he has to satisfy are the audience.  He gets help from the director, his scene partner(s) , and his sense of who the character is and how he portrays him.

To avoid an audition for any reason other than honestly not wanting to be a part of that theater company or that production is professionally destructive to the actor.  I’ll audition for any role except zombie horror movies.  I've done none of those and avoided them.

My Voice over coach has two axioms: (1) The second most difficult thing to do in the arts is to discover a system or process.  (2)The most difficult thing to do in the arts is to trust that system or process once you’ve discovered it.

This is good advice for any of my endeavors and I adopted it without seeing or hearing the words in several of mine and am searching for that which works in the others.  Trusting it once found is not easy, as the saying goes, but critical to success. 

Then understanding that the technique evolves and, hopefully, improves as one continues to pursue the skill, it is equally important to be aware of that improvement and call upon it when applying it.

Each of my endeavors has an elusive set of skills.  There are layers of technique that have to be mastered in order to consistently perform well.  My approach to some has been helter-skelter.  Just seeing the above advice has allowed me to begin the reversal to a more orderly approach to them all.

But then, almost every endeavor that I pursue or have pursued in the past has had an elusive process for success.  Once found, the allure of the pursuit often vanished and so did my desire to continue in that endeavor.  There seems to have been a hunger for accomplishment which was somehow satisfied and then I moved on to the next challenge.  My current endeavors still have the allure.

Every skill seems to have a fundamental set of processes that when provided or followed ensure success.  Artistic skills involve the emotional participation of the artist in his performance.  When these processes become second nature and the artist is emotionally involved in the pursuit of the endeavor, the results are excellent without exception. 

No longer are accolades necessary because the excellent results are routinely achieved.  Thus when the character is alive, a ride flawless, a rack of balls run, par after par achieved, the words evocative, a meal sumptuous and the spectators, in awe of the performance, are moved to emotional appreciation, the performer merely smiles and says, “Thank you.”

Audiences appreciate this level of perfection because they see themselves performing, vicariously feeling the success of the performance, the thrill of the moment.  Each member of the audience knows in his heart that he cannot do it but feels that he is while watching the artist perform.

The performer does it because he understands this and loves the feeling that a good performance has for him as well as for those watching. The secret of success for the performer is to share the accomplishment with those watching.

On Science and Drama

I am wrestling with a couple of notions at the moment.  One of them has to do with paleontology and astronomy, and the other has to do with the assimilation of desired performance.  These are two disparate topics but may be suitable for one thousand words or so.

Often one reads that remains have been found of some hominid or dinosaur and along with that discovery comes a whole scenario of new and different ideas on how things were then and their effect on us now.  Then astronomers will find hundreds of earth-like planets circling “nearby” stars and reach conclusions about them and their ability to sustain life as we know it on this planet.

With all due regard to the length of time they've thought about it and the depth of understanding that these people have, one must remember that they are voicing an opinion of what they think the new findings represent.   And we all know about opinions: they are like anuses, everybody has one and they all stink; except of course one’s own.  So I am going to keep mine out of sight.

There is a theory that petroleum was rained down upon the earth as some other cosmic entity passed nearby and that that petroleum obliterated some forests causing the vegetation to become coal; that that petroleum drained into places on the earth and sat here undisturbed until humans found it and a use for it.

This theory is like so many others; improvable and seemingly far fetched.  But one has to ask, what about gold, what about other mineral deposits, why are they concentrated on only certain portions of the earth?

Then there’s the origin of the Earth-Moon combination.  One recent article claims that there was a planet somewhere near where this combination is now and that an intruder, smaller but still of substantial size, and this planet collided in a plastic collision, i.e. not like billiard balls but more like two blobs of custard.  The smaller split off toward oblivion but was caught in the gravity of the larger, which had adjusted its orbit around the sun to suit its new mass.  Thus we had new and different planets, one orbiting the other and both orbiting the sun.

OK, so we have all of these theories thrown at us by scientists and we love it.  It gives us something to occupy our minds and make us feel smart.  There are scant few instances where this type of knowledge is useful on a day to day basis but it’s fun.

It is a good thing when scientific inquiry leads to results.  There have been many advances in understanding the Earth and environment, the ocean and the air, the effect of harvesting from the earth and the sea, the effect of burning millions of tons of carbon based fuels.  There may be a price to pay for living an artificial life, creating an environment that is controlled.  Right now it is like our national debt, looming out there but we put off dealing with it for the present because of what it will take to do so.

On the other topic: my coursework, in my personal course on acting and plays, is making me aware of new aspects of theater and film, new to me.  My appreciation of good films; scripts, acting, directing, lighting, sound, and editing has likewise taken a leap forward.  The course will have had me view 25 films, some of which will not be for the first time, either before or after reading the author’s criticism, positive or negative, about them.

A few of these have little redeeming value.  Audiences have a way of overcoming marketing hype and either recommend it to others or not.  Marketing is vital for the opening and for some time thereafter but the opinion of the audience quickly takes over and a film costing $95 million may only gross $15 million or less.  This was the case in three of the movies reviewed so far. 

While another, which didn't get marketed actively for a variety of reasons, won several Academy Awards for many aspects of it.  Not a loser in a commercial sense but a huge winner in an artistic sense.  The actors were not well known, except for the male lead, and neither was the director but the performance they produced was remarkable.

My approach to learning lines has changed already.  It is still somewhat mechanical, by rote, but with the added aspect of allowing the character to come through much earlier in the process.  Not only come through but to learn the scene in its entirety right from the start of the process.

The words as written by the author are still inviolable but they are not separate at any time during the assimilation of the script from the dramatic situation that they are describing.  The character has to be allowed to think in terms of his action, conflict, and subtext as well as that of the other characters in the scene with him.  

In all of the study of the course materials, the same underlying principle comes through; the actor becomes the character.  The more completely this happens the better the performance.  Thus the character learns the lines, not the actor.

The effort required to become the character is well spent before any of the other preparation steps.  But, just like real life, the character’s take on the situation can change as his understanding of the others in the scene deepens or changes.  The character is not static, not fixed, not a statue but a real, living human being (in most cases) and subject to the emotions, vulnerability, and reactions of others.

The successful actor becomes the character during all phases of preparation for the role and allows the character to develop on his own, not at the behest of the actor portraying him.

Psychic Disease

The recurrence of what we call Evil in the world is worth some exploration.  Throughout history we are given accounts of extremes often ascribed to a person but more often the extreme was supported by those around them.  Some examples are Nero, Caligula, the Spanish Inquisition, the French Revolution, Napoleon, Hitler, Hussein in Iraq, the current Iran regime, the current Syrian regime, Al Qaeda, Venezuela’s Chavez, and I am sure that one can come up with many more examples.

Those listed above achieved the extreme on a grand scale and in more than one way.  There are many who achieve it on a lesser scale.  The movie Wolf of Wall Street is a story about a man who engaged in extreme self indulgence.  Because the details of Bernard Madoff are not as yet revealed, one can only imagine his lifestyle.  It is safe to say that most people who amass a fortune and then spend it satisfying their own appetites and those around them are examples.

“Of what,” you may ask.  And the answer is excessive (and you fill in the blank.)  We see examples of this in what people own and have on, where they live, and in how many places they maintain residence and there is a fine difference between getting along comfortably and being excessive.

In our society, that is the set of legal and ethical rules that we as a nation have adopted, the only arbiter of the situation is the person making the decision as to how to spend his resources, resources converted into money for spending.

There is now a mentality being expressed by the current president that the government should step in and manage this set of affairs for people; this isn't new, income tax was among the first such movements.  The extent to which he and his administration, including the sympathetic members of Congress, are successful in managing the distribution of wealth remains to be seen.  The majority of thinking people will decide that in future elections.

This is not, however, a political essay.  It is an attempt to pose the question: is there such a thing as psychic disease? 

In thinking about it as I write, I am inclined to think along the lines of Aristotle and perhaps agree with his philosophy of “the mean.”  I can’t quote chapter and verse but the sense of it is that going to excess is harmful or, perhaps, excess is a psychic disease.

Using the word disease as it is defined in a dictionary, i.e. a condition of the living animal or plant body or of one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms, one could come to this conclusion.

Another expression of this same idea is the seven deadly sins, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride.  It can be seen that these are all extreme excesses of basic virtues. 

There is a direct parallel between diseases of the body and the psyche.  Such a disease can be self induced, inherited due to the influences of family, one can be infected by a culture that supports it, or it can be passed along from another who is infected or is a carrier of it, much like  polio  or tuberculosis.

It can get to epidemic proportion such as that which affected revolutionary France, Germany after WWI, or the Bolshevik Revolution in Russia.  These psychic diseases were exploited by megalomaniacs to the point of chaos and stopping the spread of it/them was only achieved with the resolve of those who recognized them for what they were.This is where we are today with religious extremism. 

The conclusion is that there are psychic diseases that breed in dissatisfaction and misery in the emotional sources of individuals and that they can be controlled but not eradicated.  

Winter Woe

This is a winter of discontent.  We have been hit by yet another winter storm that added ice to the already existing snow on the ground; it causes me to hunker down and write.  

Our activities are different when we're cooped up like this; appointments were kept yesterday because the storm didn't come through until later.  Two big ones were cancelled, however, and they will be added to the calendar to be made up.

It gives me a chance to be circumspect about matters that by themselves may not be worthy of a thousand words.  One of these is the matter of fear.  

The other day, when looking at the schedule coming up for performing, i.e. auditions and classes, I was gripped with a bit of anxiety that could have been fear.  So I took a longer, closer look at what I was feeling and decided that yes, it was.  But in taking this closer look I realized that while fear does enter into the picture, what we do when experiencing it makes all the difference in the world.

To be afraid is a normal response to an experience looming with which we have not dealt in the past.  We have many of these all the time but when they are scheduled, planned, and we are supposed to be prepared for them, the importance of our performance is magnified and the possibility of not being successful exists.  What we have here is a fear of not living up to our own expectations.

Be advised that fear has not held me back.  I have been in new and strange situations for most of my adult life.  I have not backed away from any of them regardless of my state of preparedness.  But this fear of not living up to expectations  is a factor with which I must deal each time; it is real.  Preparation will somewhat allay the fear but I have found that no amount of preparation is enough; the only way is to push through the performance, whatever the outcome, and it works.

Performing on stage or in film is a little different.  There is a script and there are rehearsals for performance and these tend to prepare one.  In performing, this fear is experienced at the audition, not on stage during the run.  It is the fear of not living up to what is expected of me.  This is quite interesting to me because until now it wasn’t all that clear just what it is that causes this fear or anxiety.

Having discovered the root cause may allow me to deal with it more successfully than in the past; or perhaps I need to simply reduce my expectations. 

A second matter that bears a few words is that of conversation.  I recently read a book about dialog and was made aware of an important observation on it, that conversation is a power struggle among those participating in it as one or more attempt to maintain control of thoughts being expressed.

Observations of me and others in conversation bear this out.  All too often one will change the subject in an attempt to redirect the conversation to one of his choosing, or will put a spin on it to shift it to more align with his mode of thinking or expression.  In fact he is all the while attempting to subordinate the other(s) to his thinking.  This is the power struggle that can occur in conversation if the participants are not consciously aware of it.

It is interesting to note that one who is exerting his influence in the conversation at present may have been more passive until now and may again be passive later; and so on around the circle.  It seems that assertion and passivity are directly related to the amount of psychic energy available in the individual at the time and when it is spent it is gone until it again is replenished in some manner.

The relative placement of the participants in a hierarchy is also a determinant of whose is “in charge” of the conversation.  This is especially true in political situations where the power structure is not defined by a charter.   

It is the rebellious subordinate who attempts to wrest the power of leadership in conversation and exert his position; an astute leader must then deal with this rebellion.    The more experienced and accepted the leader, the easier it is to deal with a rebellious subordinate.  There are, however, subordinates who will not be silenced; a great example is Corporal Napoleon Bonaparte.

A third idea to be expounded is that of personal course work.  It occurred to me that my formal education has given me the necessary ability to formulate courses of instruction that I can follow without going to a place such as a school for material structured by someone else.

Some of my endeavors require more knowledge before I can get the results for which I am looking; two of these are Actor and Playwright.  To this end I went the library, which has an extensive collection of books on the subjects, and selected three that seemed most aligned with the direction I want to take.

It follows that to spend between one and two hours, three times a week for the fifteen weeks studying the contents of these, and other books, and doing the work described by the authors in the forewords, prefaces and introductions of their books, I would be completing the equivalent of a college course.  So that’s what I’m doing.

A fourth issue is that of video auditions.  I did one yesterday and I’m not happy with the results even though I haven’t seen them.  The format was the same as all the many before this and I am not encouraged to think that it will be successful.  

If I was comparing me and a more polished actor, I would choose him.  I must do something about this and aside from recording “selfie” auditions I don’t know what that would be.  Help!

On Leaving Here

(Since posting this, I've realized that it isn't necessary to move to NY, LA, or Chicago to work there; one can work there and live anywhere so long as he has travel money.)

Why have I remained here so long?  We got rid of the business 14 years ago in May; I haven’t worked or tried to get a job since.  For the first several years after giving up the business, I worked part time here and there halfheartedly trying to find something to which to devote my time.  Then there was Mom and all of that.  Since she died in 2009, I've been involved in theater and film, and filling in the rest of the time participating in activities that I enjoy.

The only things holding us here are the physical and emotional impacts of selling the house and relocating to a different place.   Many of the people we know would soon be forgotten, just as we would be by them and we would have to start all over again.

All that we have would either be discarded or packed and taken along.  We have accumulated a lot of things, most of which are worthless to anyone but us.  We don’t throw away anything that we have here that we think may be of some use to us.

So, let’s do some hypothetical thinking.  Suppose we were offered a move that would net for us the equity we have in the house and would allow us to take along everything that we felt was necessary.  I.O.W, the same deal that we had upon leaving Newport News.

Why would we leave here?  I want to be an actor that audiences want to pay good money to see on stage and in film.  The prospect is bleak for finding enough work here as an actor on stage, in film and commercials.  There are plenty of stage opportunities but they are gratis, i.e. for the love of the art; paid work is a limited market for films, commercials, and modeling.

The entertainment and cultural aspects of this location are high-end minor league and the psyche of the city is myopic.  There don’t seem to be identifiable core businesses that are local, all are owned by others who don’t live here; hence the understanding of what it takes is missing. 

The local managements of the big companies are not involved in the community as leaders because their future is elsewhere.  The movers and shakers are not here and what is left has more form than substance.

Why would we stay here?  We are settled here, adapted to the culture, and have everything that we need.  We have acquaintances upon whom we can call if there’s an emergency.

There are doctors, hospitals, professionals of all sorts.  We are comfortable in the marketplace.  The sources of satisfaction for all of my endeavors, and more, are available.  The University, library, and museum scenes are good and available to us.  The city is large enough to afford a certain familiarity and anonymity at the same time.   

I am aware that as a person gets older his world seems to begin to shrink around him.  It is no longer all that important to be seen out and about.  The circle of people with whom one associates tends to be smaller and less frequent without a feeling of loss.  We tend to eat less, use less, keep less, buy less, wear out and discard more.  Although it seems that way it isn’t necessarily true; it could be that our imagination grows less active; still the energy to get out and do is ebbing.

Then there’s the uncertainty that making a leap of faith entails.  While we have an income upon which to rely for basics, there’s always the chance that all would be forsaken in Chicago, Houston, Los Angeles, New York, or San Francisco.  It may be that fear is holding me back.  

The Newport News strategy was a decision.  I wanted to get away from St. Louis and be on my own; the shipyard offered me the way to do that.  I/we didn't know anything about the city, the area, the state except what we were able to glean from publications, which was scant little.  The other major relocations to Houston, then Europe, and Milwaukee were dictated by the company.
  

The move here was likewise motivated by the market that was available and research about the place including an exploratory visit.  It was, however, more based on blind faith than anything else.  A different strategy could be employed, different from any of the others.  In retrospect, the way we picked Louisville was pretty good.

A move away would be preceded by secondary and primary research; reading local papers, finding the locations in them that are desirable, looking at playbills of current events, and generally getting a sense of how it would be.  Use local connections through Rotary Clubs and visit to gauge the social milieu that goes along with the location and life style.  Then make the decision and go.

When I think of my current situation, marketing oneself is an activity in which one must spend time and effort, now and if we would make a move.  We are active in the theater circles, especially when I’m working.

There are things to do and people with whom to associate.  This would be a good bit of rehearsal for the larger stage, being involved with the Arts community even more than I currently am; perhaps working in a community theater organization, continuing to take classes wherever and whenever I can, and keep the image out there on Facebook, which seems to be the local advertising media for the acting community.  There is a balance to be struck not to overdo it.

My belief in the omniscient connection may be the answer; what will be is what I want.  There are so many of me involved in the decision that it may seem irrational when it happens but it will be for the best.  Meanwhile I’ll continue to pursue my endeavors and work on my goals and objectives.  The dreams that I have can be pursued actively here and now without fear of wasting time or effort.  

Que sera sera avec une peu de l’aide de l’âme. 

Vocalizing the Dream

Why did I work in the shipyard so long?  The pay wasn't competitive and yet I stayed there because I didn't know that I could do any better.  Is not knowing another way of saying I didn't think I was worthy of more or better, or was I simply satisfied with what I had and what I was doing?

But most of this is simply sour grapes.  I wanted to work there, it was the premiere shipyard in the world; I excelled in every job that I had, was recognized and promoted to management and then to the parent company headquarters.  In the meantime we raised our kids in a good environment; they had enough of a foundation to make their way in the world.  I didn't feel the need to do any better.  I should stop here but the urge to talk it out has to be satisfied.

At times I bemoaned the fact that I had to do it all by myself without the moral support of a trusted mentor and adviser.  I suppose I am something of a blockhead because there was rarely anyone to whom I would listen and I remember a few times that I was given advice and only two bits of it that took.

My father-in-law said to go to work for a large corporation and stay there and that was good advice at the time.  Another mentor advised me to go back for a degree in Naval Architecture which I didn't take but went back for an MBA on my own volition.  My boss, upon appointing me Controller-Treasurer of a shipyard subsidiary, simply told me, “Don’t ever reverse a profit.”  Good advice that I heeded through thick and thin as we battled for change-order payments.

My thinking was somewhat limited and kept me in the middle management ranks as I reflect back now on my jobs and for whom I worked.  It was limited by that to which I was exposed and my reluctance to be imaginative and open to higher ideals.

The ideas and philosophy of the level of executive ranks above me was not apparent to me and I wasn't able to figure it out.  I was a camel and thought of myself as a good one while not seeing that the leaders were horses.  Somehow others figured it out but not I.  I suppose I thought I was doing as well as I possibly could.  

Keeping my own counsel may have been a disadvantage.  Things that happened to me when I was growing up made me distrust people “above” me.  Now I know especially one precise incident that was all but forgotten but not really.  Rarely did I confide in my "superiors" what I was thinking.  This prevented any flow of ideas and philosophy from them and ergo stunted my thinking.

The real benefit of all this comes from realizing these things and not letting them discourage or deflate me.  I can look back on a career in engineering and management and see great accomplishments.  My foray into business was doomed from the start by much of the above and my bullheadedness and even there I got out with my shirt; no mean feat.

Then reflecting on two shipyard associates, one was a peer and the other a subordinate; I see differences that led to the different outcomes.  The peer was not bound by pride of accomplishment but rather expediently rolled with the waves; he was intelligent, personable, and compliant; willing to play a subordinate role in exchange for being in the room with those who made the big decisions.  He eventually became a vice-president and then president of the company, leading it to a successful, and profitable for the stockholders, take-over by a larger corporation.

The subordinate was loyal, incredibly intelligent, and idealistic.  He was ambitious and had an abiding belief in his own success.  He had big and unrealistic ideas but pursued them because he believed in them.  Few of them panned out but his belief in them obtained for him the chance to try them and in a very real sense he became highly successful.  His ideas led him to positions in other technology companies where he made millions in compensation.

None of my peers was smarter or better educated; it was self-reliance that stymied me, I may have had too much of it.  I was a top player on a minor league team when success would have been a starter on a major league team.  Now I’m retired from the game but it is not too late for this introspection.

Acting is the same as other paths I've taken, I have big dreams and the belief that I am worthy of them, which comes from within.  Sharing and vocalizing dreams are important regardless of what others say and think.  Finding and associating with successful others of like mind are likewise important ingredients.  

 

 A path in life can be more pleasant and successful when it is walked in the company of others of like mind; others who are open and honest, who share their thoughts and feelings; those that aren't and won’t need to be shunned.  And feeling worthy of your dreams is per-requisite to achieving them.

Make the contact; that is the directive.  Think in terms of finding those who have similar aspirations; the admonition.  You look fine, you act refined, you have a good vocabulary and write well.  You are not in competition with these others but rather in the same boat.  If they get the part, if they get the publicity, if they get the big pay; it’s OK.  If, for some reason you make a poor choice, not to worry.  They can use you but they can’t use you up.

Unshakable faith in the realization of your dreams will overcome any setback you may have.  By any objective measure, you are worthy of being successful whatever you decide to do or to get.

The vector of time is always pointing to the future; the past is gone and best forgotten except to learn lessons from experiences, good and bad.  This dissertation is part of that learning experience, the value of vocalizing the dream.

On Getting and Paying for It

One of the first concerns I have when setting out to get something is, “Am I supposed to have this?”  It comes to mind first, before my decision to get it.  Then, “Can I afford it?” The cost of something is a primary concern unless it is something I really want and then it is of no concern.  Buying decisions are not rational, nor objective; they are emotional

Price and a sense of what the thing is worth factor heavily into any decision to buy.  If I get the feeling that I am being used somehow, I don’t participate in that market unless it is absolutely necessary.  Buying a car and selling a house are two major examples.

With the car, the dealership, no matter what they say,  is poised to take advantage of the buyer.   So I have purchased cars from individuals and felt pretty good about it; from dealerships and felt terrible about it, as if I’d been unfairly used by them for their profit.  I tend to buy and keep a car for as long as possible to avoid the market.

The same with selling a house; usurious fees for real estate agents tend to discoruage me from moving from one residence to another.  I sold our first house in 1973 and paid a Realtor, second and third in 1985 and 1989 and the company paid for these sales; we are living in the fourth and the thought of paying 7% of the selling price will keep me in place until it is absolutely necessary to move.

On the other hand,  there are things that I wanted so badly that I didn't think about the cost/ price of it and probably paid a large premium for them.  Some examples are: work clothes, i.e. suits, shirts, ties, and shoes when I joined the management of the company, Dale Carnegie training, my sailboats, ski trips, travels around France and Europe while there, and our current house.

Much of my attitude about money was shaped when I sat down at age 18 and independently figured out how much we would need to go back to college and get my degree.  I had to pinch pennies and put whatever I could into savings to get that amount, and get it I did.

It was just enough because we were flat broke upon graduation. I had in my pocket enough to get by a week or two in Newport News until my first paycheck came through; and the discipline didn't stop after that.  It was a financial struggle the whole time until we moved to Houston.  It was then that the money situation eased up a bit and we were flush.  My salary was nearly doubled to give you an idea of the situation in Newport News.

There were psychological influences on me after that due to many years of scrimping and saving and they continue to confine my thinking, somewhat.  We continue to live carefully but not frugally. We enjoyed life in a limited way in Houston and amassed a decent amount of savings, which when added to the appreciation we realized on our houses gave us a nice “nut” to invest.

It was invested in a no-load mutual fund that met criteria that I set.  It had to have a certain capitalization, a good track record over-all, and it had to have made it through the mid-eighties recession without a loss.  I found such a fund and it was a very successful investment.  The appreciated value of the original investment allowed us to build this house and make the necessary investment in a franchise.

When we came back from France there was also enough money that we didn't have to be concerned about it.  Then I got laid off but still we weren't concerned about money because the company made a generous separation settlement.  We were able to get settled in Louisville without difficulty and have everything we need.

I realize that cost and price are not related in most instances.  That price is set by some subjective reasoning based on market value and that a seller will do all in his power to get his price.  He will lie, cheat, and misrepresent as much as possible to get the sale.  It is this suspicion that keeps me alert.  I hear war stories from salespeople, I read about scams; I know that market sets the price but a good salesman can prey upon a relationship to keep a buyer in place. 

All of this makes me more than suspicious; it makes me cynical of others’ motives but in most instances I am sensitive and want people to like me, not cold, calculating, ruthless, and insensitive.  Therefore I don't push for the lower price, the better deal to get the balance on my side.

On this issue I am less than routinely successful but there were many instances while I was working at the shipyard, corporate headquarters, France, and especially in my own business operations that I was able to forge a good, if not exemplary deal and see it through but my basic temperament is more kindly and submissive than that.

Aware of this “nice guy” weakness, I approach things in a different way.  I resolve ahead of time what I want and need to make a deal, qualify a supplier and then pretty much give in to the deal offered.  Often it seems better than what I was thinking about in the first place; more verification that I don’t have a lot of imagination in the marketplace.

As I now think about it, there isn't much that is critical of the way I am handling our finances except for a lack of imagination.  I can reflect upon all the different criteria that have influenced my choices along the way, even today.  Independent of need and desire is the avoidance being “taken.”  I approach any situation involving the exchange of money, whether I’m buying or selling, with trepidation.