Penile Envy

There are a couple of things rolling around in my head like marbles on the deck of a ship’s cabin at sea. One is the phenomenon of social status and the other has to do with dreaming. The quest for social status is an activity in which we all participate in one way or another. Whenever there are more than two people together there is an implied contest as to who is superior in the group.

Whenever one is asked for his desired future state of being, i.o.w. what are your dreams, the answer can come back in high sounding terms that are not reality based. Not that dreams need to be based in reality but what one says is more meant to impress the hearer/reader than expressing what he really would like to have happen. This is an attempt to seem to be more acceptable to those around him and is tied to the quest for social status. If he is impressive with his apparent success, then he is worthy of rank; or so he thinks. So one can surmise that the two lines of thought are interdependent, or that dreaming is tied to the quest for social status unless one makes a concerted effort to divorce them.

But there is a danger in disolving the marriage of these two and seeing it for what it is. It seems to be happening to me now. I am not as concerned with the reputation, the notoriety, and the acceptance of the social circles in which I am. These are the worlds of acting, pool, golf, and riding. Whereas in the past I would have spent time and energy in attempting to establish myself, not anymore; I simply participate at the level at which I am and let the chips fall where they may.

I have relapses from time to time when I try to be helpful, or give an opinion, or make a judgment but these are fewer and farther between. I will catch myself in starting to do so and stop. Sometimes when unsuccessful in stopping, it created a problem from which the return to a normal relationship was slow and painful. So, I advise myself to keep my opinions, comments, and evaluations private. And even replace internal reactions with “maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive” when dealing with peers. I often remind myself that my age doesn’t necessarily grant me wisdom enough to opine. And it’s a good thing because I am not worthy of having much of an opinion due to my level of performance in these endeavors.

This is beginning to make me feel less and less confident overall because I am operating outside of my normal pattern of behavior. My previous modus operandi was to be a quick study and put on a show of confidence based on my reputation and respected opinion, i.o.w. talk a good game. It doesn’t work now because I don’t have the credentials or the accomplishments in acting, pool, riding, and golf to support same.

I am concerned that it is beginning to show itself as a lack of confidence in general. I have no reputation upon which to rely, or fall back in these endeavors so people have to make a quick assessment of me as a person based on what they see. This is problematic because they see someone of whom they have no knowledge and, because I tend to be reticent, who won’t give them anything with which to work. I learned my lesson not to blow my own horn except to toot reinforcement of my reputation among those who know me.

Then there’s the effect of my own unfavorable judgment of my performances. I never see my performance as being worthwhile and it takes more than one rehearsal to get over this hump. Because I don’t feel good about what I do, I rarely compliment or encourage others because I fear they will take it as coming from a worthless source. This may be seen as a lack of sensitivity or participation and not viewed favorably by others.

This all resolves down to the conclusion that I feel as if I have no social status in any realm. This is probably inaccurate but it is the feeling that I have as I write this and mull over the events of the past couple of years. I may be rationalizing when I say that I am no longer interested in same but I’m objective in my assessment of not having a seat at any table at the moment. I just feel like I’m alone in the world and one can only hope that this is an emotional reaction, and therefore irrational.

Then there’s the dream aspect of it. I notice when looking at my dreams that they are in fact dreams and not necessarily a “to do” list for the year. I recognize that there are different levels of dreams; the present, the age, and my lifetime. Present being now and for the near term future, the age being from now until my body really starts breaking down at about 85 years old, and lifetime being for what happens when my life is a backward glance from the precipice of death.

Events have occurred all year to support the dreams for the present because I comb through them when I update my performance evolution file every Sunday morning. I’ve had a large amount of work in acting, trophies in pool, good horses to ride, and I’m hitting the ball with confidence in golf with three sub-90 rounds and averaging in the mid-nineties. But harkening back to emanating a lack of confidence, it may be happening because no one but me knows how it all fits together and furthermore nobody but me even cares. This is the disconnect, in the past I have played to the organization but now there is none to which to play. So I’m on a stage in an empty theater and I miss the applause.

Order-Revoution-Anarchy-Order

Two years ago, I put together a fantasy portfolios of stocks. Included therein was one that appealed to me because a former subordinate is an officer of the company. I looked him up in the financial information for the company and saw that his earnings are in the neighborhood of $10million annually. All I can say is, “Wow!” So I immediately started questioning what the heck was going on. My first thoughts were how much is enough and is he really worth that much? Can’t say that there wasn’t some envy involved but it was quickly dispelled with good reasoning. Besides, “Maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive.”

I know this guy fairly well, or did, and I don’t think the money is the whole thing in his case, it’s large but more as a measure of success. He has worked himself into a position where that’s what it pays. If this corp didn’t pay him this amount they would be paying someone else and conversely if they didn’t pay him this much he would move on to another corporation. It has taken me a long time to rationalize this because it is more than this one instance; it is the landscape of publicly held corps, the medical and legal professions, major league sports, and other few but highly lucrative professions where the bidding for top talent is off the chart. This doesn’t mean it is wrong; corps are making enough profit to pay the execs these salaries and perks and still give the shareholders a good return on investment. BTW, the portfolios and his company haven’t returned to the value they had when I assembled them; thank goodness I kept them as fantasy investments. His value, in options and other stock related pay has taken a hit but it is still more than he could spend.

A couple of lines for the part I have in “It’s a Wonderful Life” as Pop Bailey brought the thing home to me. “What makes you such a hard skulled character Mr. Potter? You have no children, no family; you can’t begin to spend all the money you’ve got.” And, “Potter’s a sick man George, sick in his heart, sick in his soul, if he has one. Hates everybody that has anything that he can’t have, hates us mostly I guess.” These two lines define a character who has allowed money to become the end instead of the means. It becomes a warning to us all; not only money but things. I already have more clothes than I could ever wear, more golf balls than I could ever lose, more books that I won’t read again, and on and on and on. We are all a little bit like Mr. Potter and that’s ok, it’s when it becomes an obsession that it is harmful, as in my story The Ball Hawk. (see the By John Lina Blog or buy a copy of Open Floodgate by John Lina for only $19.95 plus mailing. Drop me an Email and I’ll take your order.)

As for the huge compensation figures, I think we are stuck with them unless there is a disastrous overturning of the hierarchies, one to rival the French and Bolshevik Revolutions. I’ve complained about hierarchies before but we’re stuck with them unless…

This is the role of anarchy, the dismantling of hierarchies and replacement by others, less offensive. There is a crescendo of greed, a revolution of the oppressed, anarchy in the meantime until a structure is put in place to replace the anarchy and one that is agreeable to enough of the masses. We had a mini- revolution in 1994 and we may have another this year. It happened several other times during US history that the electorate was fed up with enough of what was going on in the Federal Government that they replaced incumbents wholesale.

The ballot box is a relief valve but there is none for corporate greed. One may not be necessary for relief from corporate greed but we see the downside affect of it in salaries paid to hierarchies in government, medicine, and legal organizations and these affect all who are paying for these services. The “what about me?” attitude of civil servants, surgeons and lawyers is going to lead to a revolution of some kind; I don’t know how or when but people are beginning to see it for what it is, greed at the expense of their fellows. Heck if I can see it, there are millions of others who do as well. According to Bert it was a factor for anti-Semitism in Europe and look to what that led. The straw is piling up on the camel’s back

These types of feelings, undefined emotional reactions against the “Medical Profession,” may be a big part of what led to Medicare and now Obamacare. Doctors are not the problem, the problem is administrators of practices and hospitals that wring every penny they can out of a patient or his insurance company and dictate to the providers, doctors and nurses, how much time and effort they can spend with a patient. So-called not for profit hospitals can’t spend all the money they make without going to excess for admin salaries, perks, facilities and equipment. Then the reaction of the insurance company is to do the same to the policy holders and even deprive people of inclusion, in effect cut them off from treatment because of the profit and loss implications.

You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth. We don’t know how to do it; we can’t separate ourselves from the greed and trying to have all the money there is. So we are doomed to continue funneling money into the pockets of the MBA’s who have become quite adept raising the compensation levels of just about everybody in an organization who is not directly involved in providing the sold product or service. Bring out the guillotine, pass me my knitting needles.

Work Along the Second Line

Now I ask the question, am I living in the past? There are some indications: I am fascinated by history and archives, read/listen to books that are written, as are all books, in the past tense, look at old pictures, listened in rapt attention as mom recounted her life to me, have made a record of my life from birth through the present in logs and analysis, and have a set of goals and plans for the current year and weekly set out tasks that will move toward attaining them, this puts the accomplishment of the task in the past because the present was the instant of describing it.

During those intervals when I have nil to do, I tend to hearken back instead of being in the present. This leads me to inaction primarily on the social front, just like right now. I am analyzing where I am and where I’ve been and what I’m doing and not doing instead of being out among people. This is a regular thing for me; especially when I am doing s.t., I tend to think beyond the present to when this is going to be finished and, therefore, be less involved in the present.

The amount of time I spend alone in my world is the majority. I purposely don’t watch TV except for games and news to keep from being absorbed into living life vicariously. I work puzzles, read, analyze, plot and scheme when I am not walking or exercising. It seems that I am reluctant to participate with others even when I am with them; I tend to withdraw emotionally unless we are playing a game.

I seem to be guarded in my relationships and it is more from avoiding an unfavorable reaction than anything else. I am wrong in my predictions of another’s reaction almost all of the time and, therefore, have very little confidence in my ability to read s.o. There have been enough unfavorable repercussions from my statements, actions, and inactions that I am gun-shy of saying or doing anything that can be considered inappropriate. Sometimes I think that I can do this or that because I would allow it, or at least put up with it, if it was done to me, the old Golden Rule idea; wrong. Often I am the little French cabbie who broke one little rule and got hammered. So, I retreat into my intellect and memory. These are two safe places that I’ve come to recognize. I don’t interact with anyone for anything other than the time of day, lest it be misinterpreted and a foul called.

This living in the past is not such a bad thing except that I am not pleased with it. It seems that I am missing a lot of opportunities without even knowing it. Like driving a bus, which has tinted windows, down the highway of life insulated against outside noise, traffic, and weather, only interacting with personae that are in/on the bus except for the occasional stop and walk about. I am so well planned and scheduled that there is almost no spontaneity in my life and when there is, I am suspicious of it and shy away from involvement. Someone always seems to get hurt and this leads to blame, criticism, hurt feelings, and guilt, all of which I eschew. If I don’t play, then I don’t lose.

Interacting with people leads to seeing opportunities; this is what classes at UofL do for me. “To get what I want, I ask” is invoked regularly without disappointment, when I ask for s.t. specific, I get a response; be it from the professor or fellows. The benefit of being involved in the first line of the work has produced good results in my performances. I would like to be involved on the second line but it just isn’t happening. The same can be said about my relationship with the cast in a play. We are working together on the third line but not on the second. Is it that I am not working along the second line in any endeavor? A quick aside: work on the self is first line, work with/for others is the second line, and work to advance the greater good is the third line.

A quick mental review of my endeavors indicates that this is indeed the case. Some endeavors lend themselves to work on all three lines but not all of those that have a second line are being pursued along that line, save pool, riding, and golf. This is disappointing because the second and third lines are where opportunities are discovered. So what is the problem?

First of all, it is a lack of emotional content in my life with a resulting lack of involvement with others; it shows up in my acting. Others are involved only when necessary to move toward a good performance. And then there are opportunities foregone. These are like trees falling in the forest that no one hears. I am constrained by my imagination, which is good but needs stimulation, and limited to that which I can accomplish with little outside assistance other than answers to specific questions.

G’s mirror would reflect a person who is not involved with others to any great degree. Acquainted with many but working with none, except occasionally and as necessary but are there results? Yes, beaucoup de results when measured against the described desired end results determined each year in a vacuum between Xmas and the New Year.

One strategy that that works and I can use more widely is to put myself in target rich environments. This requires some imagination and determination because my experience with people has been spotty. Often those who are responsive turn out to need more from me than I from them. Almost like the Groucho Marx line that he didn’t want to belong to a club that would allow him to join. The answer here is quick determination and a more objective go-no go decision made. Once involved with another, take care to remain objective about the relationship. It seems to reinforce the original thesis that I am not emotionally involved in my life.

A Bad Review

What a most unusual day. It was my turn to do my monolog for class. The Professor worked with me for a while and gave up, more or less. She asked if I’d been in the military because I was so like a ramrod; I said no. She had me to relax my body and breathe more deeply, to use my breath to deliver thoughts and changes of thought. Well, it didn’t work very well because I was busy complying with what I thought she wanted me to do and not getting to it. So now I have a few minutes to process what was going on and see if I can make any sense out of it.

She said I seemed to be concentrating on getting my lines right, to say them verbatim. We both know how important this is but she is telling me that while it is important to get the words correct it is equally important to put the emotional content (feeling) in the delivery as well; to allow the intended emotion to flow through along with the words; to deliver the lines as if I don’t know what comes next as if the character is thinking of what he is going to say next as he is saying the current phrase; to strive for spontaneity of expression as the lines are said; to not fall into patterns of voice that are rote.

Then there was the psychological observation she made that hit home with me. She said I am so focused on one thing that I am not allowing other things to happen; so focused on doing a good job of saying my lines that I am preventing any spontaneous emotional expression to take place. I am using a discipline that is focused on one thing when success depends on the focus being wider, i.e. like a camera with depth of field where the foreground and the background are in focus at the same time. This is true—I tend to focus on one result when there are multiple results that need to be achieved for success.

My history of this sort of thing has been a continuum of fighting crises and avoiding failure; usually because I was in over my head; I-o-w, didn’t have a strategy for handling problems that may come up. This held true for my first attempt at college, then once married and back in school, oops we had a baby and a second on the way. Once again I was in the mode of fighting crisis when I needed 23 semester hours in my second last semester. A two hour course, Dynamics, was below par and I vowed to the instructor that I would bring it up to at least a C in the second half of the semester or delay graduating by six months. It worked out.

Then C arola had to have surgery … then we bought a small house… then we had to move to a larger house… then the Cleveland job seemed to be in jeopardy… then the kids went to college… then Tenneco Inc in Houston…, then France…, and on and on. And they all worked out. Surmounting difficulties, or coming up with strategies after problems occurred rather than before, was 75% of my effort and taking advantage of opportunities got whatever was left. I was still operating in this mode until recently but since 2008, with the aid of having articulated my dreams and a good plotting and scheming method, I find that I am more taking advantage of opportunities than overcoming crises. But I find that my propensity is to work from a solving the crisis mind set or waiting until a big problem occurs before taking action, even when I am in opportunity mode.

Then there’s the responsibility bind. Along with solving these various crises has come the feeling that I must be seen by others as successful. So I tend to get a little overwhelmed with a myriad of details, many left undone or unsatisfactorily handled.

Then there is the performance factor, feeling that I must be impressive. Usually this works against me and the opposite happens, I fail in performing as I did today: perhaps too distracted by the doing. I have a rather strong need/ desire to not be criticized, not necessarily approved but respected.

Then, and perhaps finally, there is the need for acceptance and inclusion. The class that is the subject of this writing is a good case in point. I go into the classroom and am excluded from the conversation almost entirely. The others in the class are at least forty-five years younger than I, not an excuse but a fact. When I talk to them individually they are polite and respond but for all intents and purposes I don’t exist in their presence and various assays have met with cold shoulders or a nod and a smile then put on ignore. I have a tendency to hang back in any new situation to avoid being rejected and then slowly insert myself into the fray. In the past it has taken a few weeks to get through this awkward interval but this time it continues and I feel like a definite outsider. But then I find that this is generally true. This needs some work on my part but what to do?

All of this tumbles out of the brief time I spent in front of the class with the professor. I’d have to chalk it up to failure to perform because I was unable to do what she wanted. She also said, “The next time perhaps you can chose a monolog with more depth.” So what I did, even though it met with her prior approval, was not good. She said I was rigid, overly controlled, unemotional, not connected with my character, not any good as an actor. She didn’t actually say these things but this is what I heard. So what’s next? I’ll stay the course and all I can say is, “Don’t boo me, I didn’t write this stuff.”

Limbo, Again

Once again I am in limbo. We had no class today. The filming is Sunday; the dress-tech is likewise. The play opens on the 25th. The theater/concert plus dinner is tomorrow night. Rehearsals don’t start for IAWL for another several weeks. There are no urgent calls or items of which to take care. I have tendonitis in my right forearm, from the flag carrying chore last Saturday, and I can’t play golf. I played pool for four hours last night, about 50 games. BC of L league doesn’t start for two weeks. The stable has been sold and I don’t have a riding source at the moment, although I have feelers out.

It is my thinking, for me anyway, that I need to have a reason to be here, wherever that is, have to have something to do, would like to have someone with whom to do it, and an overall purpose or aim upon which I am working. Generally that is the way things are but today I am in limbo on something to do and someone with whom to do it. The clock continues to run and I am not doing anything other than clutching at straws such as buying a 2011 diary, retrieving tax reports, making a bank deposit, yawn.

I came up with an item upon which to work. It is the history of me from birth to 2006; three years ago is the most recent because I like to let the dust settle before summarizing the year. It came to me that if I recorded my Personal Status (age, condition), Purpose, Occupation, Location, House, Family, Life Style, Endeavors, Social Life, Community Status, and Professional Status each year, that over a long period of time I would see the developing pattern that leads me to where I am today and, seeing it, either agree with it or make changes to it. All of this data is recorded up through 2005 but it is hand written in worksheet format. I will key it into History and Plan.xls . This will be a chore to do over several days, whenever I have the time especially when Carola is in California during the month of October.

It is interesting that my sister and I don’t have much to say to each other. We don’t feel a need to talk to each other. I don’t think this is unusual between siblings, Carola and her sisters haven’t talked for years but there is some history there concerning C’s mom.

My sister and I have the shared experience of being brought up by two people who battled often about money and the lack thereof; a father who was insecure and controlling, a mother who was fighting for identity and a say in what was going on. Often we would hear the battles royal from below as we lay in bed trying to go to sleep. She would often cry herself to sleep. I, on the other hand wasn’t visibly affected by what was going on. This is not to say that we weren’t both affected in ways we don’t even know. This is why I would welcome some overture from her to discuss openly what happened from her perspective. Conversations with her are not open and free. She doesn’t divulge details of her feelings or memories but makes vague references to contention between her and her mother. I could start same but the certainty of non-cooperation stops me. I doubt if we will ever get around to discussing it.

Meanwhile, it is now 4:25 p.m. and I am blogging away. This is something of a time waster but on the other hand it is one of my aims for the year. Thinking of what I wrote above, where did the reference to my sister come in? Here I am on a day with little on my mind and what pops up, my sister. I should give her a call. Ok I did; nobody home.

I’ve also been caught up in the thinking about the way things go. I’ve said it before and I’m repeating it here that things go really good for us. It may not be an accident of fate but rather something akin to Karma. Only the way I see it, the good comes from the influence of those who loved us and died but are still around spiritually and they are using whatever influence they have as spirits to take care us who were good to them while they were alive. There are things I’ve done that defied common sense, could even be considered rash and foolish. Yet it seems that I got away with them, not that I would be in trouble with the law or anything like that but rather that I would be embarrassed and people around me would be hurt and disappointed. Yet these things were swept under the rug and the only one who seems to have had been affected by them is me and my fear of being called to task about them.

I doubt if this is an unusual story; plenty of others wander down the path of life making little detours to take a walk on the wild side and also get away with it. There seems to be an unspoken code to make them the subject of conversation and gossip but not publicly embarrass or humiliate them. This is true in small subsets of a larger community of people but not when someone is in the national spotlight where any little transgression is magnified out of proportion for titillation and the sheer fun of seeing the rich and famous embarrassed, probably because we are a little jealous of them.

So it goes, the mysteries of life continue to defy understanding but that’s a good thing. If we were certain, we would be even more bored than being in limbo. I am going to start my transcription of the outline of my life, yawn.

Golf Gone Wild

I came home from the golf course feeling that I am mediocre, at best, at almost everything I do; it was a bad day. What a challenging game is golf. There are as many degrees of freedom as there are body parts, so much can go wrong. An objective analysis reveals that of the average 100 strokes I take on the course, 18 are from the tee, 45 are on the green, which leaves 37 between the tee and the green. Today, of the 18 from the tee I hit 10 of them well, in or near the fairway and about 180 to 200 yards out. Of the 37 interim shots, 18 were approach shots, i.e., either chips or pitches; 2 were out of sand traps with good results, and 8 were good second shots; the other 9 were wasted strokes. The 45 putts are the sad part of my game. If the nine holes that were three putts were eliminated, my score would be about 90. Then if the 9 or 10 wasted strokes were eliminated, we’re talking about the low 80’s.

The grand conclusion of this is my game sucks, my putting is terrible, and my mind gets screwed up on the course. I caught myself in emotional response and unfavorable opinion often; the good news is that I caught myself and changed same in each instance except for the over-arching opinion that I am mediocre at just about everything, which is probably pretty close to the truth. The only redemption is to keep on keepin’ on in my four chosen areas—the script, the club, the crop, and the cue.

All of these are fun and worthy of achieving at least the Skill level (see the added presentation) with acting going beyond Skill into job. Ultimately, dreaming extravagantly, I would reach the Awards level in acting, the Medals level in golf and pool, and the Skill level in riding. This resolve lends itself to development of the kind I do every Sunday when I plot and scheme. I have all the tools and the knowledge to do this and I still need external input in all of these to make the dreams come true. The external input is 2nd line work; the 3rd line is the statement of the dream and working for the dream itself where the 2nd line is working with others to achieve the dream, or Aim.

There are fourteen other endeavors but they are secondary and complimentary to these four. All of them together make up a full slate of activities that, when managed properly , lead to the achievement of Aim.

The Accomplishment Structure

A clear and vivid vision of what that is, and what it entails, is fundamental so all of the required personal resources can be focused on the effort. The vision will never be perfect; it must be made and refined. One can continually refine the vision as he becomes more aware of what it takes to reach this, or the next level of the endeavor. This vision, no matter how incomplete and unrealistic, is the starting point and it needs to be written because writing requires and records thought processes and allows review and revision. Then it can be formulated into terse statements that allow one to be quickly reminded of what he is trying to accomplish. I want to… and not I wish to…

Three strategies for accomplishment are the puzzle, which relates to rules and a framework; the game, achieving successful results within a set of rules; and the dance, moving in prescribed motions to produce desired results.

The pre-requisites are Desire, Capability, and Discipline.

The steps to successful achievement are: Assimilation, Application, Refinement, Competition, and Fulfillment The movement from one level to another is a process and not a single event. Innovation is utilized repeatedly. There may be different and independent strategies employed as one makes progress through the various levels.

Skill relates to the assimilation of knowledge and enough formative practice that one can perform the endeavor with confidence when performing alone or in a controlled environment, such as a lab or class.

Riches relates to being able to perform the endeavor at a level of proficiency that produces profit. This refers to being well paid for performance in the marketplace. Activities at this level relate to the practical application of the skill in a journeyman-like manner that results in utility for which others are willing to pay.

Job is an acid test of the endeavor. It relates to the willingness and continuing interest to pursue it, rain or shine, good times and bad, in times of growth and sideways plodding, and commitment to it for the fulfillment of obligations either to others or to self.

Awards is where the performer demonstrates his skill to objective others who are superior and/or knowledgeable in what the endeavor entails and can pass judgment on the performance. The activities at this level result in a level of performance that is recognized as superior when judged against the accepted standards and norms for the endeavor.

Medals is the level where the performer is compared to others in competition. Activities at this level relate to building the confidence necessary to compete against other performers who are likewise seeking superiority. The immediate example is sports but it also relates to being successful in auditions, publishing, negotiating, anywhere that the performer rises above other practitioners of the same skill.

Stardom is performance to a wider audience who understands what top performance is and acclaims it when they see it. Activities at this level relate to earning the adulation of people who vicariously participate in the performer’s success.

Progress through each of these levels is an end in itself. Since the amount of effort required to reach perfection is infinite, there is a point/ region/ place/ time/ level of achievement where the increase in level is so slight compared to effort that further pursuit of perfection in the endeavor becomes futile.

Being aware of approaching this level of futility is critical; it requires decision. One can continue to (a) accomplish with incrementally more effort, (b) abandon the endeavor, or (c) decide to move to the next level.

For example, as the performer approaches futility at the Skill level, he can choose to continue for the fun of it, as a hobby, or go on to the Riches level. If he should choose to go on there is a step function change in the pursuit of the endeavor where he is no longer working to hone his skill but now to profit from the application of it. This has a totally different complexion than the Skill level. And so on through all the levels.

Acting Business--Lines

Since writing this in July, I have been introduced to another method, i.e., learning the lines based on the first letter of each and every word in the line. It works.10/10/10

It is 2:15pm of the same day that I returned from an audition that didn’t go very well. I will be very surprised if I hear back on this one. The mood in the office and of the auditor was impersonal at best. It seemed like I was an intrusion on their peaceful day. This reaction was/is mine and could be far from the truth of the situation that existed in the space where I was; it is my fault that it took hold like it did. I received the script last night, printed it, and ran through it several times with Carola but it wasn’t enough to give me the confidence I needed to do it in front of a camera, talking to a picture on the wall and another person in the room, whom I took to be a disapproving camera man. It was, however, an audition and that’s a plus, another experience in the acting world.

Learning lines is a professional requirement, it is also very difficult and I say that not for myself but for all with whom I have come in contact in this endeavor. Alan had a monstrous task to learn all the lines for the Inspector in Murder on the Nile (MOTN); he never did completely know them with enough confidence to get through them without hesitation and mistakes. John and Jeff, as Earnest and Algernon, in the Importance of Being Earnest (TIOBE), likewise had beaucoup de lines and messed them up in every performance. On the other hand Beth and the Carries had equally lengthy parts as Aunt Augusta, Gwendolyn, and Cecily and performed them without a flaw from the second rehearsal through the end of the run. It is imperative for me to be able to learn lines with enough confidence to deliver them in front of Carol, aaudience, or camera.

I’ve done some research on this subject and there isn’t much offered by way of advice, or how to, in accomplishing this feat. I can recall the experiences I’ve had and glean from them the technique(s) I’ve used. They may not be efficient but they are effective because in every case, when I went on stage I said my lines without mistake. The prevailing advice is to read them a minimum of five times through without trying to memorize them. This seems to be a good starting point and I do that and continue from there. Perhaps I can list a step by step that will take me through it and embellish that with what I think will work. My objective is to reduce the amount of elapsed time it takes to not only learn the lines but be confident enough in them that I can deliver them in a variety of settings and circumstances including the stage, in front of the camera, or to individuals or small groups not even associated with the acting assignment. The key here is to reduce the time required to learn the lines. The prescription then:
1) Read all the information available about the character and the play/story
2) Read through the script from start to finish
3) Read through my part, including the cue lines, five or more times from the script
4) Make a spreadsheet of two columns; the cue line on the left and my line on the right
5) Fold it and read the cue line, turn the paper and read my line
6) Tell the story as presented by the cue lines and my lines in my own words, not in any way trying to relate the script in the words written
7) Take each cue line and my line couple and learn it by heart
8) Recite the lines to Carola/or another with her taking the cue lines
9) Repeat with her taking my lines
10) Imagine the stage/set and do the script with whatever associated actions
11) Keep doing 7-8-9 and 10 until it is in mind.

This process takes a long time; so there must be a way of shortening it to suit the time available for auditions and performances that are on a tighter production schedule than those with which I am familiar. We had six weeks for TIOBE and MOTN; shorter than the UofL productions but the film work seems to allow less time for lines and no time for rehearsal. This was a problem today and the reason for this writing because I think it is a permanent condition of working in film.

So how do I get the time required down to a day; overnight? I have a new script, it is for the film wherein I play the part of an older police chief. I could try some new techniques on this because if they don’t work I have time to learn them using the above listed method.

A method that seems to make sense would be to record the lines in front of a camera; use our VCR until a better camera is available. Critically evaluate each reading but don’t tape over any of them. Look for ways to improve, then make same. Use the camera from the beginning, even when reading the script for the first time. This may be important to get habituated to seeing my face and features on the screen; heretofore I have eschewed reviewing performances because I didn’t want to be disheartened by the experience. This is probably not a good idea as I go forward with film acting since I will want to create certain effects but need to see if they are working or not. I don’t know, this is a tough area; if I am “acting” then I’m not going to convince anyone that I am the character. It is as important in film as on stage to naturally assume the character and become that role as it is played. Yet objectively reviewing the results will/should improve my performance.

Yes, I think I may have hit upon a good place to start for learning lines more quickly; camera, action!