Another Step Down the Road

So here we are, into the month of September and I haven’t written for quite some time. About what will I write? Well, I’ve used the same strategy often in the past, sit down and start keying and we’ll see what develops.

There are several thoughts that may be worth expanding, one is career oriented and that is tempting; to say the least. Another is on life and living as we close in on older age but that is not as tempting because I don’t think my status is going to change that much for another 15 years or so; I’ve pretty much decided to let the chips fall where they may in the game of life and living unless a curable disease develops.

We just came back from our trip to California and then Las Vegas and that was after a three week sojourn in Virginia Beach, which included some high drama. These and this could lead to all kinds of trouble if I wrote about the details so I’ll just leave them alone.

Where am I at the moment vis-a-vis my chosen career of acting? I’m hanging out; not in class, not involved with a project involving others be it movie, play, or business and I don’t have a clear plan or idea of what to do next.

I believe in me. While away, the idea of being on the top team came into my thinking and I accepted it. I put myself on the “A” team, those who are privileged to be successful in what they do, how they look, and how they behave. I was then turned down for two roles and unsuccessfully auditioned for two paying spots. This doesn’t deter me but it does keep me grounded and realistic.

Then there is the sport that teaches me much about life, golf. My golf game took a turn for the better. It started with a putting strategy and that extended to all the other types of strokes, i.e. tee shots, long and short irons, pitching, and chipping. The extension wasn’t a great leap but natural. It came to me just a month or so ago, either before or during my trip to Virginia Beach and it has made the difference.

It became clear to me that I have studied the game with two superior DVD programs, lessons from professionals; have practiced untold hours and have been playing for a number of years. At one time or another I made par on every hole at Midland Trail and at Long Run Golf Courses, both of which I play regularly. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I know how to play the game except for the really arcane nuances. Yet I was approaching every shot from tee to hole-out as if it was new and different and required cognitive analysis.

The idea came to me to qualitatively examine the putt for slope and distance; take a stance, and simply say to myself, “There’s the hole, here’s the ball; put the ball in the hole,” and then make the stroke. The results were astounding. My putts either go in or get to within one or two feet of the hole. It takes a little discipline to stay calm and keep from over-analyzing the putt; a little more to remember the mantra; and a little more to look from the hole to the ball only once or at most twice after taking my stance. As faith in my previous hard work on the game increases I will make the putt with one look after taking my stance.

This is not to say that there won’t be a generous amount of time taken before addressing the ball, and another increment taken before stroking. I’m saying the look at the hole and back to the ball to hole will be once.

It must have been the next time out when I decided to extend this method to the tee shot. Here I said to myself, “There’s the target, here’s the ball. Hit the ball to the target.” The target is picked before addressing the ball and thinking about all of the other aspects of the swing; then just before the swing take another look at the target, then the ball, and then say it; then hit the ball and see the result. Without recrimination, evaluating the result and calmly requesting adjustments to be made the next time up.

All of this rests on the foundation of grip, stance, and swing characteristics; none of which is abandoned nor forgotten before making the swing. It’s just that the last thing to do is say the mantra. Sounds corny but after six weeks of it and fifteen rounds of golf and many buckets of balls on the range, the results have been most encouraging. Yet I realize it is but another step along the path.

I remember now that I was doing the same in riding. I told myself, I know how to ride, let it go. This extends into pool as well. Pool requires a lot more discipline than golf; at least I find that to be true at this point in time.

It was also used for my last management workshop when we uncovered 100 ideas for fundraising for my local Rotary club. I put the workshop together and wasted no effort in mentally rehearsing it; “I know the material and the procedure; do the workshop.” It is almost like acting, you learn the script, rehearse, and then perform spontaneously—again and again.

Now for the leap; is it possible that this will work for realizing dreams? My life experiences are such that I know how to—whatever. It is a matter of allowing the personae involved to “do it.”

The French Cook

Carola and I decided to have lunch at the Chateau one fine day. We went there, found our way to the café, and sat down. As we sat there, I was aware of heat coming from a source to the left of and behind Carola. As I looked at what I thought was the wall, I began to make out what it was; the massive kitchen cook stove of the Chateau from when it was a going concern. It was painted over with the same color as the rest of the room and almost indistinguishable. It had been cold for a very long time, not used for more than 180 years. Yet, as we sat there I felt the heat of it. Not that it was unbearable, it was tolerable heat but more than warmth; it was the heat of a cook stove.

Floods of visions went through my imagination, there were spectral figures bustling about, all on a culinary mission of some sort, and this went on for some time. Carola called me back to reality but in the background there was this frenetic activity all the while we were there. I didn’t feel threatened or even uncomfortable, as it was I felt quite at home there; as if I was supposed to be there.

This feeling of belonging wasn’t new to me; I’d felt it from the day I made the right turn out of the forest and voila! There was the Chateau du Chantilly staring me in the face. It was larger than life, an apparition. After that, I made that trip frequently, it was one of a variety of ways I could get home from work in Leplessis-Belleville, but this was the only time the Chateau loomed larger than life before me.

Then I could never be without knowing my way around the ville. Although the grounds of the Chateau were strange to me, I was not a stranger in the city and felt even more at home in the older parts than on Avenue de Montmorency where we lived. In the forest and at the Grand Ecuries, there was never a time that I felt in a strange place.

There have been other familiarities for me. One that was also strongly felt was on Maui in Hawaii. I went to a little whaling museum and it was the same type of experience as was Chantilly, especially when I read some authentic log entries and heard “Thar she blows!” with the inflection that was undoubtedly authentic. Then later that night, when walking down the main street of the little tourist trap, I had the feeling that I was there 150 years before and the crowd was not modern day tourists but ships’ crews making a night of it ashore. The feeling was very strong.

I’ve been to hundreds of places throughout the world and have had these feelings only a few times. Others that I can recall as I sit here are: on the Great North Road at the Mount Pleasant Hotel near Doncaster in England, the roadside graves at a location in France on the way to St. Dizier, in Pompeii, at the Harbor in Sydney Australia, on the Newport News Point railroad dock at the foot of 23rd Street, sailing on the Chesapeake Bay off of Old Point Comfort, and generally in San Francisco to name most of them. One can see that the number is small by comparison to my travels. The Chantilly, Pompeii, and Maui experiences were the most significant, although the others were strong enough to get my attention. The question is; what’s going on?

One explanation was that these represent for me some previous existence/ lifetime but now I’m not so sure. Could it be that there are unfinished lifetimes hanging around out here waiting for a sympathetic being to allow them in for completion of a sort? I say hanging around because when I saw the roadside graveyard in France, I was aware of a group of soldiers sort of hanging around in a desultory fashion as if they had nowhere to go. I got the impression that they were lost in despair. So too could other unfinished lives be hanging around the vicinity of their untimely death and when a vulnerable or even cooperative Master chances by they can jump on and work their way to some sort of completion.

Completion for me means permanency. That is to say the Master that inhabits this brain-body works to develop himself to the point that when the brain-body dies, he moves on to another higher plane of existence in the spiritual world. I don’t know if this is a possibility for all the brain-bodies I see walking about but I firmly believe it is for this one and for numerous others.

This Master seems to have more than a modicum of strength/power over this brain-body. He is confident in what he does and it is possible that there is room in here for more than one; i.e. the Chantilly cook may have hooked on and is here for the ride. I don’t feel like the others are. Yet the Master is going about his business of becoming permanent without regard to his little French friend or maybe in spite of or even in addition to him.

In order for an inhabitation to take place there may be some prerequisites. It would seem that there have to be some sympathetic qualities existing between the one needing a ride and the Master. How many of these hitch hikers can one Master abide? At some point the hitch hiker may opt to get off and anywhere along the line another might be picked up. Yet there is a Master working on permanency who may have inhabited this brain-body early on, or who at least is the strongest to have climbed aboard thus far. I am close to concluding that inhabitation can take place at any time during the brain-body lifetime and not necessarily inspiration at first breath as I have previously thought.

Audience

Without doubt the audience is the most important aspect of any entertainment enterprise. Surprisingly it has two opposite connotations; the first is the most obvious, performers and/or performances must have appeal in order to attract an audience; the second is more subtle, a location will attract performers/ performances in direct proportion to the size of audience made available.

Some would submit that audience translates into gate receipts but this is not always the case. Eventually it is the goal of all performers/ producers to attract a paying audience and get rich and famous as a result but on the way up and on the way down performers will often sacrifice gate receipts for the chance to perform.

Unlike a business enterprise where the leverage of power over business operations is the value determinant, performances are directly affected by the appeal they have in attracting an audience. When one sees the size of the audience Lady Gaga, Madonna, the late Michael Jackson, and a few others of exceptional star quality are able to attract, it is evident that the popularity they have achieved, although incrementally, is not accidental or attributable to luck. It never has been, not for all of the thousands of seekers of stardom. It is, however, the result of a series of organized marketing and production activities that are focused on creating an image that all at the same time entertains, amuses, shocks, and, most of all, allows a large number of people to vicariously participate in the success.

The star becomes the central product of an enterprise comprised of many people in various roles to assure success; much like any other business enterprise. Although it may seem to be an entrourage, it is an organization devoted to the marketing and production of the star performance.

Some attain stardom and lose one or more of the above product attributes and flame out like a comet streaking through the upper atmosphere. Others maintain an appeal for a number of years until finally reaching the end of a product life cycle. That product life cycle may be measured in increments starting at fifteen minutes (everyone’s) of fame and lasting for days, months, years, and even a lifetime. There are durable entertainment stars who remain stars into their eighties, and longer, as did George Burns who lived to be 99 and was booked to do his 100th birthday on stage when he died.

The fact of the matter is that careers have to be managed to produce the results that are desired. These can be measured in terms of fame, riches, acclaim, awards, and perhaps other terms that are important to the careerist. It doesn’t happen by chance.

Who manages a career? The careerist up to a point and then he/she is approached by the next other who sees some possibilities and takes over the management and then another, and another until the big league is reached. Then much of what happens is the result of this management and the success or failure is keyed directly to it. The performer has, by this time, demonstrated some skill and ability in performing and has the potential, desire, and capability to adapt to the demanding requirements of fame.

Acting requires an ability to assume a role so completely that the actor can become that character, saying the lines of the script but living the situation he is in as the character being portrayed. There is no separation between the actor and the character; the actor so completely assumes the role that even his ad lib conversation during the sublimation is as the character and not as the actor.

Is it possible for me, at this late date, to set out on a career path that would approach fame and fortune? "Nothing is impossible," "One cannot make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear," two relevant statements. Often I am too objective in my thinking, too pragmatic for my own good.

I have always had a set of unrealistically high ideals and tried to perform to those ideals. Until now my performances have been in business management and training. I’ve done well but objectively feel that I have performed at the mid level. I O W there are no large audiences following me around paying to see me perform; my business star has faded and become a black hole as far as anyone else is concerned. My training star never made it over the horizon. There is nothing unique, wonderful, different, appealing, or noteworthy about what I think, say, and do in front of an audience. Why is that?

Sometimes I think that G’s mirror is in play, in a way. G’s mirror, as you may recall, is seeing in others what you see in yourself. And when you come across as seeing yourself as having a lack of ability and capability in front of an audience you are discounted, tolerated but dismissed for future consideration.

It could be that if I could see myself as able, capable, engaging, and fully assimilated into the role I am playing; I would attract the attention necessary to create a demand for my performance. It would have to be at the deepest most profound level of my being and not a consciously assumed set of attributes.

As there have been in golf, pool, and riding, moments of euphoric experience when the ball arcs toward the target, the holy grail of pool is achieved—even once, or when the horse and I were as one going over the fences, so too have there been performances that are noteworthy. One for example was a video made at the shipyard to welcome a new IBM executive. I stood in front of the Dorothy and delivered in one exceptional take.

All of these experiences indicate that I have what it takes. What I seem to be missing is repeating the performance consistently and without fail, in other words, professionally. Actually, I have repeated performances on stage more consistently than in any other endeavor. This is what gives me the idea that I can be a stage/film performer.

It is daunting that I have so far to go and I’m starting at such a late date. I was on a roll at Tenneco and it was interrupted in 1988 when the company went into decline. I didn’t have enough self-confidence/ image to reassume a corporate career; in fact, I didn’t know what that was at the time. Then a lack of knowing the business of training caused me to get out of the Executrain franchise. Now I am unsure of what others think of my performances on stage and platform. What to do?

How Long Should I Stay

A foursome finishes their round of golf and heads into the clubhouse where they sit in each other’s company for a while, usually drinking something, and shooting the breeze; then there comes a point when the meeting is over. This is the subject of today.

There seems to inevitably come a point when further association is no longer useful or desirable. This is true in almost every encounter, be it a business meeting or a retail sale. There is nothing further to be gained from continuing to be in each other’s company so the parties part ways. Staying beyond this point can have undesirable consequences for the relationship.

This is a phenomenon of which I am only recently becoming aware but as I reflect on it, it rings true almost to the point of being a postulate. People create opportunities to get into the presence of others by setting appointments, having routines that put them in contact with others, such as breakfast in the same diner, or lunch at a variety of same places, or simply go to public places where they see others as in a business center, mall, or park. There must be something about seeing familiar faces even though not necessarily interacting with them, that is reassuring.

But there is a point beyond which remaining in the presence of or in the location of others becomes uncomfortable and we must move on. In a business situation it approximately an hour, in a social situation it is measured in minutes.

 Almost anyone can recall the social situation where one was in casual conversation with another and it just went on too long or it became obvious that there was nothing left to say but there didn’t seem to be a graceful way out. It happens in business too but the parties seem to shrug and part ways, often without even saying goodbye.

It is quite different when the association is for a purpose, then the parties remain in each other’s presence as long as it is necessary to accomplish the purpose at hand. This is true in competitive situations where a game has duration and the players remain until it is over.

 Even in these situations there are times when play is suspended because further interaction is futile but more often than not the players see it through to the end, regardless. It is true in work situations where people are cooperating in order to achieve a common purpose. They remain together, often using the time together for other purposes as well.

The Gin Game, a play by D.L. Coburn, uses this social phenomenon to explore the feelings of two people who are in the throes of lonely later years, each in denial but the truth is evident to the other. It is a game that requires them to remain in each other’s presence longer than the optimum and this leads to hidden feelings being revealed each to the other, feelings come out even though the people don’t want them to.

In a 4th Way sense, there are personae who have to get it out there for others to comment on in order to better deal with it; yet there are personae who don’t want to reveal their feelings, who are afraid, or at least reluctant to become intimate.

Perhaps this is an underlying purpose of being with others. There may be personae in the Being that need to reveal unrequited feelings but because we are comprised of discrete personae the Being may not even be aware of it. Yet he knows that by interacting with others, socializing, the opportunity to reconcile the discomfiture will arise and be settled.

This is an insight: for some time the definition or identification of “Director” has eluded me but now it can be seen that Director is the persona that allows others to be in control of the brain-body when that is necessary or desirable; he will now be identified as Being because he has an even larger role to play.

Being is he who is engaged in achieving permanence. In order to progress towards that aim he has to deal with/ cope with all that this lifetime of associations and experiences brings his way. He creates personae as needed and uses them, sometimes the same one over and over for the same, or similar experiences. Used frequently enough, personae become part of the “personality” of the brain-body and are recognized by others.

 He recognizes that personae may have loose ends, or unfinished business, or unrequited needs that resulted from interrupted activities but may not know the precise personae that need attention. He, therefore, puts the brain-body in play, so to speak, by getting among others and allowing those personae with needs to be satisfied.

Then too there is the possibility that Being is aware of more than is cognitive to the brain-body. An example of this and only one of many, happened last Monday at the film shoot. I was sitting in the shade with Carola without any need to move when I got up and walked around to the other side of the Boat Club building. I mean I simply arose and started walking without questioning myself as to why and without having any destination in mind. As I rounded the building I heard my name, it was my agent saying she was trying to get in touch with me about a film shoot on Wednesday.

There are more ways that Being uses to attain aim than of which brain-body is aware. We have invented computers, networks, and the internet to allow us to communicate. It has long been evident to me that this same capability exists innately in the brain-body and it is used by the Being for his purposes, in his pursuit of aim.

Being is not unique to this brain-body and many, not necessarily all, brain-bodies have Being. It is quite a leap to realize that Beings communicate without the brain-body even being aware of it.

The Going

There is the level to which we aspire, then there is the level at which we are. There are differences in our mind about these perceptions. Where we are is a level of which we aren’t necessarily aware. Others see us. They, along with us, approve/ disapprove, judge competency and status, and generally form an overall opinion. These opinions are worthless to us except that when they are generally held they can either support or destroy.

The level to which we aspire is an ideal. It is attainable but at the same time a moving horizon which continues at a distance whereto we never arrive no matter how fast we go. There is no there; the finish line is moving, fixed only at death.

This moving horizon is one of the most important realizations one can have. When a child we see teenagers and aspire to be one, then we aspire to adulthood. As an adult we aspire to levels of recognition or achievement, or both, and while others may see us as having “made it” we always strive for the next whatever. It may be a skill, a job, possession, partner, and/or amount of money, recognition in the form of a medal, award, or board membership. There is always that which we would have but don’t.

Others observing us form opinions ranging from admiration through indifference to envy and even hatred. These opinions are a matter of comparison to their own situation. When they are engaged in the pursuit of s.t. and see one who is likewise engaged, they can be positive and constructive and admire, study, and model. When they are frustrated by their own fruitless pursuit, the negative emotions come out in the form of envy and even hatred.

We, on the other hand, are only casually aware of our achievement. Working for it over a long period of time, it creeps up on us and we are comfortable with our performance as we move on. For the most part we aren’t even aware of the level we have attained. We see signs of recognition and discount them as not being all that important. All the while we are working for achievement we incrementally raise the bar to a higher level and don’t dwell on where we are but rather where we are going.

Acceptance is the bane of growth. When we accept ourselves as being you name it, we are no longer engaged in the pursuit of an ideal. This is the end of personal growth and it can come at any age or it can be avoided at any age. An actor who upon receiving an Oscar decides that he has reached the summit of his success will fade from the screen and be forgotten except by historians.

There are those who upon achieving a modicum of success in a field, abandon it and take up another. I am one of these. It seems that reaching the pinnacle of success is not my goal in life. For me it is like sailing; the pleasure is in the going not the arriving. As I reflect on my life from the vantage point of more than 70 years, I see that keeping my interest stimulated in a pursuit is paramount. If I feel that there is no more to be discovered, learned, or devised, I am likely to lose interest and leave the field. Levels of money, position, power, and fame have been side effects of some of my activities but not the motivation.

Sometimes I think that these have been deterrents for me. I have no basis for dealing with great amounts of any one of them much less all of them. I’ve been in situations where any or all of them could have come my way but I found a way out and demurred for one reason or another.

Understanding that they can come along with achievement may have been a reason for not making it. The scepter of capability arises but as I look at others, I can see that I am as whatever as they except in the willingness to take the plunge. So far, and it is quite far, I have not made the connection between capability and recognition (money, position, power, and fame.)

One conclusion I am reaching is that it just doesn’t happen without setting one or all of them as a goal and taking steps to achieve it. There isn’t a panel of experts sitting in the wings looking at the billions of people in the world and saying, “Aha! There’s our next hero.” No, it is incumbent on the hero to make his reputation, exploit his meager capabilities, and step into the spotlight at every opportunity. Then a swell of recognition will begin to rise and if it takes form may raise him to that status. The decision has to be made; the desire recognized, the work has to be done; humbly asking for help, compromises made, and sacrifices offered then, with persistence and unity of being, success will be achieved.

There is another take on this. The money, position, power, and fame of today are forgotten tomorrow. Is it more important to be satisfied with one’s efforts and position and take life as it comes? One can spend his lifetime chasing some holy grail and be satisfied that he did the best he could or one can spend his life chasing money, position, power, and fame; come up short and die disappointed.

“To thine own self be true” is the advice to follow. If one can see the path to glory and decide to take it; he must enjoy the walk as he goes; here and there will be interesting people, starts and stops, a wonderful view, a comfortable inn in which to rest, then once again out on the endless road, perhaps the yellow brick road toward the skyline of the Emerald City. But he must remember his goal is the corner office on the thirtieth floor of 10th and Milam in Houston Texas.

Lights, Camera, Action

My last blog is revealing to me. It identifies me as a person who lacks passion; who isn’t sold on the idea that what he is doing and what he is about is worth getting excited about. That just isn’t true but it would, I think, seem that way to anyone who was involved with me. I could take those things where I am involved with others and look at them objectively to see if any passion is evident but first I need to address the word, the concept of passion.

It is getting a little trite and it came out of an equally overused word, enthusiasm. For my purposes we need to forget that it is trite, forget that it is overused and not worry or concern myself with coming up with a euphemism or a replacement for the word. I am going to use the two words as if they represent new and unique concepts in my thinking; then if another word comes up that works, I will also use it.

I know from experience that the place where enthusiasm has to come is from within; one has to feel enthusiasm for that with which he is dealing, it cannot be faked. The lack thereof can be from fatigue, from bad experiences remembered, from something less than a favorable impression of the situation. The way around this is to remember that there is a way to jump start, or do a warm up exercise. A method to do this follows the 4th Way, and it is to say that there are within me certain other enthused personae who may be not be involved with the present situation that requires same and these can be called upon to work with the not enthused to get them going.

This hurdle is the most critical that must be overcome when dealing with a situation. It is a method used in acting as well. One substitutes the role playing situation with a real-life situation that required the same emotional involvement.

The transference takes place and the character takes on the emotion that the real-life situation evoked. This method can be used without fail in any situation that arises on stage or in real-life. When going into a situation that requires an emotional response, simply recall a similar situation from which a desirable outcome was obtained, find the feeling that you had at the time, feel it again and transfer that to this one.

This is easier said than done. It reminds me of the “holy grail of pool” where one makes the object ball and leaves the cue ball in the best position possible to make the next object ball. Or the “holy grail of golf” where on a par 4, one drives the ball 250 yards down the fairway, then hits his second shot to the green and putts the ball into the hole for a birdie. Both of these are easy to express, just as easy as the previous paragraph. But the skill required to make these happen can’t be underestimated. The same type of concentration, circumspection, and control required to call upon performing personae is required in interpersonal situations in life or on stage as in golf or billiards.

These two games are especially analogous to acting because all the while one is taking his turn he is being watched, he is acting and reacting to conditions that are extant on the table or course, he is thinking, using his controlling personae but at the same time attempting to allow his performing personae the freedom of action required to be successful. The controlling personae have a way of getting in the way of the performing personae if they aren’t shunted aside at the optimal point in time before the action commences. This is true in any context be it social, competitive, business, or stage.

It takes a lot of hard work have this become one’s modus operandi. The realization that one has to be able to do s.t. and not just talk a good game is a valuable insight that this one realized some time ago. The amount of work required to be skilled at golf or pool is nothing compared to the amount of work required to become a skilled actor, both on the stage and in the real-world sense. Aside: a good actor brings the real-world of experiences to the stage role he is playing.

Whenever lacking a coach for these games and acting, I have to rely on my controlling personae to be able to glean information from published sources and through observation of more skilled practitioners. Then my controlling personae become the coach/ trainer for the performing personae. Success can be had with perseverance; of course, if an external trainer or coach is available, one can shorten the learning curve and increase his level of confidence more quickly. This second aspect, confidence, is fundamental to performance but we are getting off track. The sublimation of successful emotional responses can be achieved with trial and error if one has the patience to observe himself in situations.

The controlling personae are collectively analogous to the director of a play; he has a large influence on what the actors do during rehearsals but the play is on when it is being performed. This is part and parcel of the 4th Way; it is what Gurdjieff, Nicole, and others were talking about when they preached self-observation.

The performing personae need to be reminded before the action takes place that emotional content is important, enthusiasm begets positive reinforcement from others. Assuming the role of the enthused participant is the starting point and emotional content can be increased or decreased as necessary to fit the action taking place. The controlling personae have the responsibility to take the initiative and get the performing personae “on stage” with the right level of emotion. Those on stage are then required to perform spontaneously. The emotional level displayed cannot be seen as contrived but must be genuine, which is possible with hearkening back to similar past experiences.

The Invisible Man

I want to explore my observed approach to life and, more specifically, others. In a nutshell I am a fearful person; perhaps more or less so than others but about others makes no difference to me. I tend to try to make my way in the world without causing anyone else difficulty of any kind; to be with people but not make a bad impression on them. Right away I can see this is a defensive position. If you were to ask anyone who knew me casually I doubt if they would have an opinion about me. There were times when I stepped up to what I felt needed saying or doing and did but there were many other times when I simply shrugged.

To say that I am fearful is much overly simplified and any objective analysis would identify it as pure baloney but it is partially true. Much of what I say and do is governed by fear; fear of one thing or another but mostly fear of being compromised or put at a disadvantage by another; to be beaten at whatever psychological or monetary game is being played during the instant.

If I am feeling the least bit unfit for social intercourse, I demur. Yet if another brings it to me, I respond appropriately. This is true whenever I don’t have an agenda; if I am asking for s.t., I tend to take the initiative and get involved even if I don’t know the other. I must admit that I am not afraid to ask, afraid to act, afraid to take risk, afraid to step through the doorway into the unknown.

Rarely will I take the initiative to push an agenda that could be seen as controversial, be it social, political, or intellectual. And this is probably where the fear factor comes in—it is a fear of being identified with an unpopular idea and become socially unacceptable. Or to create in another an opinion of me that is detrimental in some general way that could cause difficulty for me in some undefined future situation. Is this fear or caution? I think it is fear but based on experience.

Maybe I have self-knowledge that I have tendencies and predilections toward behavior that is unacceptable to most people and eschew same. And, because I am not sure of myself, tend to err on the overly cautious side and not do or say s.t. I tend to gravitate to people who have a certain set of values, values that I share for the most part but not all the time.

I seem to care too much that some of my behavior could easily offend and that some friendships and associations would cease. But then, it makes me so bland as a result that the friendships and associations are lukewarm to the point of being meaningless.

This is in the category of making my way in the world without causing anyone else any difficulty of any kind. When I am out and about, I usually don’t initiate contact with a stranger. When I do, it is more an invitation to him/her to respond so I can judge whether or not I will continue the correspondence. My tendency is to ignore rather than engage. When I engage with another, it is superficial and certainly doesn’t invite the other to ask of me. When I finish a transaction, the impression I’ve made is so superficial that the other will forget me within minutes. It is only after repeated and prolonged interaction that I am able to make an impression, and even then it is often one of blandness. The stated opinion would be that this guy doesn’t have much passion about him one way or the other. So, like my so-called friends and associates, all with whom I come in contact simply go on about their business as if I had never been seen or heard.

And yet, there are those who I see after not having seen for a long time that latch on to me as if I was some sort of long lost relative. I put this to the fact that when we did interact there was a favorable impression made that they remember and value. This causes me some concern because it causes me to redouble my effort not to offend and often simply go along with anything and everything they say and do. This causes me some concern because it seems somewhat duplicitous. Yet, the time or two that I expressed my true opinion of an effort they made, it caused a rift that was never again bridged. People are so sensitive but some never forget a slight. Well, in fairness, neither do I but I am often willing to forgive and forget.

It is my competitive nature that gets in the way of action because of an innate unwillingness to get into a situation wherein I can’t see the possibility of winning it. It isn’t so much fear as it is losing. If I can’t see a win, I tend to give up. This is troubling for me in almost any competitive endeavor. The problem for me is that I see most social intercourse as some sort of competition with the other, where I want to win the encounter on some even undefined level of play. Where I can’t see the win, I tend to withdraw, no second effort, not interested in making the supreme sacrifice, not interested in getting angry or contentious about it. Give up and let the other have the day. I don’t know if this is good or bad but this is the way it is, for now anyway.

Games, business, and contests aside, the answer here is one of my recently coined dailies: expressing my feelings forthrightly, I am assertive. Instead of retreating from the field of encounter, it would be advantageous if I wanted to keep the relationship to let my feelings be known. If the other is interested in maintaining the relationship, he/she will have to respect these feelings and we can go on.