I want to explore my observed approach to life and, more specifically, others. In a nutshell I am a fearful person; perhaps more or less so than others but about others makes no difference to me. I tend to try to make my way in the world without causing anyone else difficulty of any kind; to be with people but not make a bad impression on them. Right away I can see this is a defensive position. If you were to ask anyone who knew me casually I doubt if they would have an opinion about me. There were times when I stepped up to what I felt needed saying or doing and did but there were many other times when I simply shrugged.
To say that I am fearful is much overly simplified and any objective analysis would identify it as pure baloney but it is partially true. Much of what I say and do is governed by fear; fear of one thing or another but mostly fear of being compromised or put at a disadvantage by another; to be beaten at whatever psychological or monetary game is being played during the instant.
If I am feeling the least bit unfit for social intercourse, I demur. Yet if another brings it to me, I respond appropriately. This is true whenever I don’t have an agenda; if I am asking for s.t., I tend to take the initiative and get involved even if I don’t know the other. I must admit that I am not afraid to ask, afraid to act, afraid to take risk, afraid to step through the doorway into the unknown.
Rarely will I take the initiative to push an agenda that could be seen as controversial, be it social, political, or intellectual. And this is probably where the fear factor comes in—it is a fear of being identified with an unpopular idea and become socially unacceptable. Or to create in another an opinion of me that is detrimental in some general way that could cause difficulty for me in some undefined future situation. Is this fear or caution? I think it is fear but based on experience.
Maybe I have self-knowledge that I have tendencies and predilections toward behavior that is unacceptable to most people and eschew same. And, because I am not sure of myself, tend to err on the overly cautious side and not do or say s.t. I tend to gravitate to people who have a certain set of values, values that I share for the most part but not all the time.
I seem to care too much that some of my behavior could easily offend and that some friendships and associations would cease. But then, it makes me so bland as a result that the friendships and associations are lukewarm to the point of being meaningless.
This is in the category of making my way in the world without causing anyone else any difficulty of any kind. When I am out and about, I usually don’t initiate contact with a stranger. When I do, it is more an invitation to him/her to respond so I can judge whether or not I will continue the correspondence. My tendency is to ignore rather than engage. When I engage with another, it is superficial and certainly doesn’t invite the other to ask of me. When I finish a transaction, the impression I’ve made is so superficial that the other will forget me within minutes. It is only after repeated and prolonged interaction that I am able to make an impression, and even then it is often one of blandness. The stated opinion would be that this guy doesn’t have much passion about him one way or the other. So, like my so-called friends and associates, all with whom I come in contact simply go on about their business as if I had never been seen or heard.
And yet, there are those who I see after not having seen for a long time that latch on to me as if I was some sort of long lost relative. I put this to the fact that when we did interact there was a favorable impression made that they remember and value. This causes me some concern because it causes me to redouble my effort not to offend and often simply go along with anything and everything they say and do. This causes me some concern because it seems somewhat duplicitous. Yet, the time or two that I expressed my true opinion of an effort they made, it caused a rift that was never again bridged. People are so sensitive but some never forget a slight. Well, in fairness, neither do I but I am often willing to forgive and forget.
It is my competitive nature that gets in the way of action because of an innate unwillingness to get into a situation wherein I can’t see the possibility of winning it. It isn’t so much fear as it is losing. If I can’t see a win, I tend to give up. This is troubling for me in almost any competitive endeavor. The problem for me is that I see most social intercourse as some sort of competition with the other, where I want to win the encounter on some even undefined level of play. Where I can’t see the win, I tend to withdraw, no second effort, not interested in making the supreme sacrifice, not interested in getting angry or contentious about it. Give up and let the other have the day. I don’t know if this is good or bad but this is the way it is, for now anyway.
Games, business, and contests aside, the answer here is one of my recently coined dailies: expressing my feelings forthrightly, I am assertive. Instead of retreating from the field of encounter, it would be advantageous if I wanted to keep the relationship to let my feelings be known. If the other is interested in maintaining the relationship, he/she will have to respect these feelings and we can go on.
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