A Bad Review

What a most unusual day. It was my turn to do my monolog for class. The Professor worked with me for a while and gave up, more or less. She asked if I’d been in the military because I was so like a ramrod; I said no. She had me to relax my body and breathe more deeply, to use my breath to deliver thoughts and changes of thought. Well, it didn’t work very well because I was busy complying with what I thought she wanted me to do and not getting to it. So now I have a few minutes to process what was going on and see if I can make any sense out of it.

She said I seemed to be concentrating on getting my lines right, to say them verbatim. We both know how important this is but she is telling me that while it is important to get the words correct it is equally important to put the emotional content (feeling) in the delivery as well; to allow the intended emotion to flow through along with the words; to deliver the lines as if I don’t know what comes next as if the character is thinking of what he is going to say next as he is saying the current phrase; to strive for spontaneity of expression as the lines are said; to not fall into patterns of voice that are rote.

Then there was the psychological observation she made that hit home with me. She said I am so focused on one thing that I am not allowing other things to happen; so focused on doing a good job of saying my lines that I am preventing any spontaneous emotional expression to take place. I am using a discipline that is focused on one thing when success depends on the focus being wider, i.e. like a camera with depth of field where the foreground and the background are in focus at the same time. This is true—I tend to focus on one result when there are multiple results that need to be achieved for success.

My history of this sort of thing has been a continuum of fighting crises and avoiding failure; usually because I was in over my head; I-o-w, didn’t have a strategy for handling problems that may come up. This held true for my first attempt at college, then once married and back in school, oops we had a baby and a second on the way. Once again I was in the mode of fighting crisis when I needed 23 semester hours in my second last semester. A two hour course, Dynamics, was below par and I vowed to the instructor that I would bring it up to at least a C in the second half of the semester or delay graduating by six months. It worked out.

Then C arola had to have surgery … then we bought a small house… then we had to move to a larger house… then the Cleveland job seemed to be in jeopardy… then the kids went to college… then Tenneco Inc in Houston…, then France…, and on and on. And they all worked out. Surmounting difficulties, or coming up with strategies after problems occurred rather than before, was 75% of my effort and taking advantage of opportunities got whatever was left. I was still operating in this mode until recently but since 2008, with the aid of having articulated my dreams and a good plotting and scheming method, I find that I am more taking advantage of opportunities than overcoming crises. But I find that my propensity is to work from a solving the crisis mind set or waiting until a big problem occurs before taking action, even when I am in opportunity mode.

Then there’s the responsibility bind. Along with solving these various crises has come the feeling that I must be seen by others as successful. So I tend to get a little overwhelmed with a myriad of details, many left undone or unsatisfactorily handled.

Then there is the performance factor, feeling that I must be impressive. Usually this works against me and the opposite happens, I fail in performing as I did today: perhaps too distracted by the doing. I have a rather strong need/ desire to not be criticized, not necessarily approved but respected.

Then, and perhaps finally, there is the need for acceptance and inclusion. The class that is the subject of this writing is a good case in point. I go into the classroom and am excluded from the conversation almost entirely. The others in the class are at least forty-five years younger than I, not an excuse but a fact. When I talk to them individually they are polite and respond but for all intents and purposes I don’t exist in their presence and various assays have met with cold shoulders or a nod and a smile then put on ignore. I have a tendency to hang back in any new situation to avoid being rejected and then slowly insert myself into the fray. In the past it has taken a few weeks to get through this awkward interval but this time it continues and I feel like a definite outsider. But then I find that this is generally true. This needs some work on my part but what to do?

All of this tumbles out of the brief time I spent in front of the class with the professor. I’d have to chalk it up to failure to perform because I was unable to do what she wanted. She also said, “The next time perhaps you can chose a monolog with more depth.” So what I did, even though it met with her prior approval, was not good. She said I was rigid, overly controlled, unemotional, not connected with my character, not any good as an actor. She didn’t actually say these things but this is what I heard. So what’s next? I’ll stay the course and all I can say is, “Don’t boo me, I didn’t write this stuff.”

Limbo, Again

Once again I am in limbo. We had no class today. The filming is Sunday; the dress-tech is likewise. The play opens on the 25th. The theater/concert plus dinner is tomorrow night. Rehearsals don’t start for IAWL for another several weeks. There are no urgent calls or items of which to take care. I have tendonitis in my right forearm, from the flag carrying chore last Saturday, and I can’t play golf. I played pool for four hours last night, about 50 games. BC of L league doesn’t start for two weeks. The stable has been sold and I don’t have a riding source at the moment, although I have feelers out.

It is my thinking, for me anyway, that I need to have a reason to be here, wherever that is, have to have something to do, would like to have someone with whom to do it, and an overall purpose or aim upon which I am working. Generally that is the way things are but today I am in limbo on something to do and someone with whom to do it. The clock continues to run and I am not doing anything other than clutching at straws such as buying a 2011 diary, retrieving tax reports, making a bank deposit, yawn.

I came up with an item upon which to work. It is the history of me from birth to 2006; three years ago is the most recent because I like to let the dust settle before summarizing the year. It came to me that if I recorded my Personal Status (age, condition), Purpose, Occupation, Location, House, Family, Life Style, Endeavors, Social Life, Community Status, and Professional Status each year, that over a long period of time I would see the developing pattern that leads me to where I am today and, seeing it, either agree with it or make changes to it. All of this data is recorded up through 2005 but it is hand written in worksheet format. I will key it into History and Plan.xls . This will be a chore to do over several days, whenever I have the time especially when Carola is in California during the month of October.

It is interesting that my sister and I don’t have much to say to each other. We don’t feel a need to talk to each other. I don’t think this is unusual between siblings, Carola and her sisters haven’t talked for years but there is some history there concerning C’s mom.

My sister and I have the shared experience of being brought up by two people who battled often about money and the lack thereof; a father who was insecure and controlling, a mother who was fighting for identity and a say in what was going on. Often we would hear the battles royal from below as we lay in bed trying to go to sleep. She would often cry herself to sleep. I, on the other hand wasn’t visibly affected by what was going on. This is not to say that we weren’t both affected in ways we don’t even know. This is why I would welcome some overture from her to discuss openly what happened from her perspective. Conversations with her are not open and free. She doesn’t divulge details of her feelings or memories but makes vague references to contention between her and her mother. I could start same but the certainty of non-cooperation stops me. I doubt if we will ever get around to discussing it.

Meanwhile, it is now 4:25 p.m. and I am blogging away. This is something of a time waster but on the other hand it is one of my aims for the year. Thinking of what I wrote above, where did the reference to my sister come in? Here I am on a day with little on my mind and what pops up, my sister. I should give her a call. Ok I did; nobody home.

I’ve also been caught up in the thinking about the way things go. I’ve said it before and I’m repeating it here that things go really good for us. It may not be an accident of fate but rather something akin to Karma. Only the way I see it, the good comes from the influence of those who loved us and died but are still around spiritually and they are using whatever influence they have as spirits to take care us who were good to them while they were alive. There are things I’ve done that defied common sense, could even be considered rash and foolish. Yet it seems that I got away with them, not that I would be in trouble with the law or anything like that but rather that I would be embarrassed and people around me would be hurt and disappointed. Yet these things were swept under the rug and the only one who seems to have had been affected by them is me and my fear of being called to task about them.

I doubt if this is an unusual story; plenty of others wander down the path of life making little detours to take a walk on the wild side and also get away with it. There seems to be an unspoken code to make them the subject of conversation and gossip but not publicly embarrass or humiliate them. This is true in small subsets of a larger community of people but not when someone is in the national spotlight where any little transgression is magnified out of proportion for titillation and the sheer fun of seeing the rich and famous embarrassed, probably because we are a little jealous of them.

So it goes, the mysteries of life continue to defy understanding but that’s a good thing. If we were certain, we would be even more bored than being in limbo. I am going to start my transcription of the outline of my life, yawn.

Golf Gone Wild

I came home from the golf course feeling that I am mediocre, at best, at almost everything I do; it was a bad day. What a challenging game is golf. There are as many degrees of freedom as there are body parts, so much can go wrong. An objective analysis reveals that of the average 100 strokes I take on the course, 18 are from the tee, 45 are on the green, which leaves 37 between the tee and the green. Today, of the 18 from the tee I hit 10 of them well, in or near the fairway and about 180 to 200 yards out. Of the 37 interim shots, 18 were approach shots, i.e., either chips or pitches; 2 were out of sand traps with good results, and 8 were good second shots; the other 9 were wasted strokes. The 45 putts are the sad part of my game. If the nine holes that were three putts were eliminated, my score would be about 90. Then if the 9 or 10 wasted strokes were eliminated, we’re talking about the low 80’s.

The grand conclusion of this is my game sucks, my putting is terrible, and my mind gets screwed up on the course. I caught myself in emotional response and unfavorable opinion often; the good news is that I caught myself and changed same in each instance except for the over-arching opinion that I am mediocre at just about everything, which is probably pretty close to the truth. The only redemption is to keep on keepin’ on in my four chosen areas—the script, the club, the crop, and the cue.

All of these are fun and worthy of achieving at least the Skill level (see the added presentation) with acting going beyond Skill into job. Ultimately, dreaming extravagantly, I would reach the Awards level in acting, the Medals level in golf and pool, and the Skill level in riding. This resolve lends itself to development of the kind I do every Sunday when I plot and scheme. I have all the tools and the knowledge to do this and I still need external input in all of these to make the dreams come true. The external input is 2nd line work; the 3rd line is the statement of the dream and working for the dream itself where the 2nd line is working with others to achieve the dream, or Aim.

There are fourteen other endeavors but they are secondary and complimentary to these four. All of them together make up a full slate of activities that, when managed properly , lead to the achievement of Aim.

The Accomplishment Structure

A clear and vivid vision of what that is, and what it entails, is fundamental so all of the required personal resources can be focused on the effort. The vision will never be perfect; it must be made and refined. One can continually refine the vision as he becomes more aware of what it takes to reach this, or the next level of the endeavor. This vision, no matter how incomplete and unrealistic, is the starting point and it needs to be written because writing requires and records thought processes and allows review and revision. Then it can be formulated into terse statements that allow one to be quickly reminded of what he is trying to accomplish. I want to… and not I wish to…

Three strategies for accomplishment are the puzzle, which relates to rules and a framework; the game, achieving successful results within a set of rules; and the dance, moving in prescribed motions to produce desired results.

The pre-requisites are Desire, Capability, and Discipline.

The steps to successful achievement are: Assimilation, Application, Refinement, Competition, and Fulfillment The movement from one level to another is a process and not a single event. Innovation is utilized repeatedly. There may be different and independent strategies employed as one makes progress through the various levels.

Skill relates to the assimilation of knowledge and enough formative practice that one can perform the endeavor with confidence when performing alone or in a controlled environment, such as a lab or class.

Riches relates to being able to perform the endeavor at a level of proficiency that produces profit. This refers to being well paid for performance in the marketplace. Activities at this level relate to the practical application of the skill in a journeyman-like manner that results in utility for which others are willing to pay.

Job is an acid test of the endeavor. It relates to the willingness and continuing interest to pursue it, rain or shine, good times and bad, in times of growth and sideways plodding, and commitment to it for the fulfillment of obligations either to others or to self.

Awards is where the performer demonstrates his skill to objective others who are superior and/or knowledgeable in what the endeavor entails and can pass judgment on the performance. The activities at this level result in a level of performance that is recognized as superior when judged against the accepted standards and norms for the endeavor.

Medals is the level where the performer is compared to others in competition. Activities at this level relate to building the confidence necessary to compete against other performers who are likewise seeking superiority. The immediate example is sports but it also relates to being successful in auditions, publishing, negotiating, anywhere that the performer rises above other practitioners of the same skill.

Stardom is performance to a wider audience who understands what top performance is and acclaims it when they see it. Activities at this level relate to earning the adulation of people who vicariously participate in the performer’s success.

Progress through each of these levels is an end in itself. Since the amount of effort required to reach perfection is infinite, there is a point/ region/ place/ time/ level of achievement where the increase in level is so slight compared to effort that further pursuit of perfection in the endeavor becomes futile.

Being aware of approaching this level of futility is critical; it requires decision. One can continue to (a) accomplish with incrementally more effort, (b) abandon the endeavor, or (c) decide to move to the next level.

For example, as the performer approaches futility at the Skill level, he can choose to continue for the fun of it, as a hobby, or go on to the Riches level. If he should choose to go on there is a step function change in the pursuit of the endeavor where he is no longer working to hone his skill but now to profit from the application of it. This has a totally different complexion than the Skill level. And so on through all the levels.

Acting Business--Lines

Since writing this in July, I have been introduced to another method, i.e., learning the lines based on the first letter of each and every word in the line. It works.10/10/10

It is 2:15pm of the same day that I returned from an audition that didn’t go very well. I will be very surprised if I hear back on this one. The mood in the office and of the auditor was impersonal at best. It seemed like I was an intrusion on their peaceful day. This reaction was/is mine and could be far from the truth of the situation that existed in the space where I was; it is my fault that it took hold like it did. I received the script last night, printed it, and ran through it several times with Carola but it wasn’t enough to give me the confidence I needed to do it in front of a camera, talking to a picture on the wall and another person in the room, whom I took to be a disapproving camera man. It was, however, an audition and that’s a plus, another experience in the acting world.

Learning lines is a professional requirement, it is also very difficult and I say that not for myself but for all with whom I have come in contact in this endeavor. Alan had a monstrous task to learn all the lines for the Inspector in Murder on the Nile (MOTN); he never did completely know them with enough confidence to get through them without hesitation and mistakes. John and Jeff, as Earnest and Algernon, in the Importance of Being Earnest (TIOBE), likewise had beaucoup de lines and messed them up in every performance. On the other hand Beth and the Carries had equally lengthy parts as Aunt Augusta, Gwendolyn, and Cecily and performed them without a flaw from the second rehearsal through the end of the run. It is imperative for me to be able to learn lines with enough confidence to deliver them in front of Carol, aaudience, or camera.

I’ve done some research on this subject and there isn’t much offered by way of advice, or how to, in accomplishing this feat. I can recall the experiences I’ve had and glean from them the technique(s) I’ve used. They may not be efficient but they are effective because in every case, when I went on stage I said my lines without mistake. The prevailing advice is to read them a minimum of five times through without trying to memorize them. This seems to be a good starting point and I do that and continue from there. Perhaps I can list a step by step that will take me through it and embellish that with what I think will work. My objective is to reduce the amount of elapsed time it takes to not only learn the lines but be confident enough in them that I can deliver them in a variety of settings and circumstances including the stage, in front of the camera, or to individuals or small groups not even associated with the acting assignment. The key here is to reduce the time required to learn the lines. The prescription then:
1) Read all the information available about the character and the play/story
2) Read through the script from start to finish
3) Read through my part, including the cue lines, five or more times from the script
4) Make a spreadsheet of two columns; the cue line on the left and my line on the right
5) Fold it and read the cue line, turn the paper and read my line
6) Tell the story as presented by the cue lines and my lines in my own words, not in any way trying to relate the script in the words written
7) Take each cue line and my line couple and learn it by heart
8) Recite the lines to Carola/or another with her taking the cue lines
9) Repeat with her taking my lines
10) Imagine the stage/set and do the script with whatever associated actions
11) Keep doing 7-8-9 and 10 until it is in mind.

This process takes a long time; so there must be a way of shortening it to suit the time available for auditions and performances that are on a tighter production schedule than those with which I am familiar. We had six weeks for TIOBE and MOTN; shorter than the UofL productions but the film work seems to allow less time for lines and no time for rehearsal. This was a problem today and the reason for this writing because I think it is a permanent condition of working in film.

So how do I get the time required down to a day; overnight? I have a new script, it is for the film wherein I play the part of an older police chief. I could try some new techniques on this because if they don’t work I have time to learn them using the above listed method.

A method that seems to make sense would be to record the lines in front of a camera; use our VCR until a better camera is available. Critically evaluate each reading but don’t tape over any of them. Look for ways to improve, then make same. Use the camera from the beginning, even when reading the script for the first time. This may be important to get habituated to seeing my face and features on the screen; heretofore I have eschewed reviewing performances because I didn’t want to be disheartened by the experience. This is probably not a good idea as I go forward with film acting since I will want to create certain effects but need to see if they are working or not. I don’t know, this is a tough area; if I am “acting” then I’m not going to convince anyone that I am the character. It is as important in film as on stage to naturally assume the character and become that role as it is played. Yet objectively reviewing the results will/should improve my performance.

Yes, I think I may have hit upon a good place to start for learning lines more quickly; camera, action!

On Pride and Vanity

Among the several, there are two distractions in particular that plague us, Pride and Vanity. Pride is the way we want to think we are; Vanity is the way we want others to think we are. There are so many manifestations of these two green giants that we are often not even aware of them. And that is the problem, we are not aware.

Maurice Nichol wrote five volumes of observations about the Work and I read them all. There was one recurring theme throughout the writings, which were much like this blog a series of recorded thoughts and observations over a long period of time, and that recurring theme is “remember yourself” or don’t become distracted. Before we can talk about distraction, we have to determine from what it is that we are attempting not to be distracted.

Very simply put, it is working on aim. Not something spelled out in many, if any, of the writings about The Fourth Way (TFW) and Gurdjieff. It is there but inferred and not specifically articulated because it is not just one thing, unless you accept that “working on aim” is one thing, and it is if you consider that we could be working on more than one aim in a lifetime and that all of our aims converge on one single overriding aim. An aim can be defined as the desired outcome of a present situation and there are many overlapping presents in which we are involved. Selecting one for the moment, working on it and being aware of doing so, is not being distracted.

Before I write another word I am not preaching TFW, I am not qualified to do so. I am simply relating my own findings from taking G’s advice and not accepting anything told to me, read by me, shown to me by others but rather spending the necessary time and psychic energy to find out for myself what is reasonable and what works; not accepting anything even the conclusions to which I come through my thought processes because, much like the physics of material behavior from the particle to the universe, there are always new and wonderful things discovered that change our understanding. What is true, i.e. reasonable and believable today may well turn out to be ridiculous and improbable in light of later, better information. If more people recognized this possibility the world would be a better place.

The difficulty of remembering oneself or staying aware is not as simple as one might think. One may presume that he knows what’s going on in and around him but you don’t, guaranteed. The difficulty is there is so much going on in our mind and brain-body at any given instant in time that it is almost impossible to keep up with it. It is like being at a national political convention, where the whole thing is contained inside of you, there are so many things going on that in order to accomplish anything, one must be able to separate and focus on one course of action without being sidetracked, distracted, by everything else that is going on and this is no small task. And there is an overriding aim at such a convention, selecting a candidate who can win the election but it can only be achieved by the accomplishment of a multitude of other, supporting aims.

It often seems easier, more pleasurable, more satisfying to fall into distraction than to apply one’s efforts to accomplishing aim. Only when it is over, time has elapsed, and one reflects on what it was he could have been doing instead of being distracted, does one realize he was distracted. The goal is to bring this awareness into focus during the distraction and dispel it before it uses up the time and psychic energy that could have been used to work on aim.

Pride and Vanity are particularly hard to recognize because they are near to the surface of our awareness. We are social beings and our reactions to others are always close to the surface, therefore when we sense that another is not reacting to us as we would like, we focus on that and try to bring about at desired reaction but while doing this we get distracted from whatever it was we aimed to do.

A classic example of this was the phone call I made last year when my aim was to confront someone about their unacceptable behavior. I reacted to his responses rather than keeping my presence of mind. The message got across but in an entirely different manner than I would have preferred. For a long time afterwards I felt good about the confrontation, it seemed to have accomplished what I wanted and I didn’t take any crap.

Then we were to create a monolog for acting class and I selected that phone call, mainly because I felt that I had acquitted myself completely. As I worked on the monolog and presented it to the class several times, it became more and more clear to me that this had not worked out as well as I thought. I made some significant changes in the manner of my response and my final presentation of the monolog was as I would have wanted the conversation to have taken place. I remained in the moment, unaffected by the tone of his responses and successfully achieved my aim in a friendly manner without hostility and anger.

This example is excellent in that Pride in my first performance blinded the truth; Vanity caused me to want to display the bravado of that first performance to the class. It was a slow process but self observation brought about by the repeated performance of that conversation and the reaction of my classmates and the professor caused me to realize that I was in Pride then Vanity and to go back to the basic script and start all over again with a more objective approach.

The lesson I learned was significant and relates to any and all conversations I have and will have. Don’t get sucked into an emotional response to the other(s) in the conversation unless there is an objective reason to do so, keep your mind on your objective and stay aware of what’s being said and going on around you. Recognition of Pride and Vanity in this instance has made a big difference in my behavior.

The Summer Cold of 2010

One must be a little careful, even when one is as vital as am I. Tuesday I sat in my chair downstairs and took a snooze, the air felt a little cool but nothing that alarmed me. By eight o’clock in the evening I could feel a discomfort at the back of my mouth at the throat and was immediately aware that I had come down with a summer cold. It felt as if I was encased in a coating of heavy mud as I moved around, consequently I didn’t do much of anything, thank goodness that it rained. Then as the evening wore on I was feeling less and less like making any unnecessary moves. I sat in the back, under a blanket and vegetated, eating only a little chicken soup and crackers with butter. I watched The Factor and then came down here to shoot a little pool and simply sit.

The night passed with me in full pajamas, including an undershirt, under the covers, and vacillating between sleep and awake. About 4 am I went into the office and covered up in my recliner for a couple of hours, then back to bed to unbend and sleep some more. I didn’t get up until after noon. All day I have been doing nil except for a walk to limber up my joints.

How much of this can be overcome by mental attitude and how much is real? This is the question that is bothering me, waiting for an answer. Yesterday I think it was more than 50-50 toward physical v. mental but today I think it is 25-75 physical to mental. IOW it is my opinion that I could buck up and be a jolly good fellow and get a lot done if only I wanted to. The difference is that 25% that screams at me not to exert myself physically.

On the battleground, the body v. intruders, my body is winning the war. It is up to me to keep from causing setbacks by over exertion of my present state. So I can engage in mental exercises, such as this writing or puzzles but not golf or riding. There is an overriding caution that I have to maintain and that is to be ready to roll Saturday night for the play. The show must go on.

I refrain from remedies of any kind for this type of malady because I believe that this body has the wherewithal to overcome the intruders. As I look/reflect on my activities before late Tuesday afternoon, I recall golf, which was exertion but not out of the ordinary. I had to get up at 6 am for the club meeting, which is always a factor on Tuesday; and Monday, I don’t recall doing anything that dragged me down. This chilling air blowing on me was the catalyst for allowing whatever microbes were present to get a foothold and begin their attack. This is why I am trying to figure out what could have been the thing/s that happened that allowed them to get to critical mass to mount an attack. My body usually responds to such an attack without even the rest of me knowing what is going on. Why this time did a little cool air allow the intrusion to get a foothold?

I don’t recall being around anyone who has a cold, anyone carrying the microbes that could have got to me somehow. That would have been sometime after Friday. Last weekend was the playoffs at BCofL and I was cooped up with my team around a table. One team mate was in close proximity giving me some pointers on the game, perhaps he was a carrier at the moment. This particular fellow is older and could have the germs but be personally immune to them. Then Saturday night we had the play, I don’t recall anyone there being either close enough to me or visibly ill to transmit it to me. Sunday we were home, Monday was not a big deal and then came the chill on Tuesday.

__________

I just now talked to a fellow club member and he likewise has a summer cold. He came back from Sedona AZ after his honeymoon there. He was at the meeting Tuesday, I shook hands with him. The fact that the microbes were from out of town may have made the difference. If I was feeling better, I wouldn’t be wasting all of this effort on getting to the source of my discomfort. With that last little bit of info from Mark, I think it may be the foreign microbes. I read somewhere that the rhinoviruses that cause the cold are mutating all the time and often we are immune to those in our local area. When one travels, he may get exposed to mutants for which he is not immune and bingo; then the infection starts around a whole new area.

So, there you are: the fatigue from being up early and then walking 18 holes of golf required rest but the chill worked against me, while the body was fighting the cooler air there wasn’t enough reserve left to fight the intruders. This too shall pass and I won’t even remember the summer cold of 2010.

From Discontent

The only reason I am outside writing is that it is such a nice day; I have time, or I am willing to take the time, and although I could be doing any one of a hundred other things, I am doing this. I’ll transcribe it later into the blog.

Tomorrow is a holiday, Memorial Day. Bert wasn’t the first to say it but I heard it from him, “Now that I’m retired, every day is a holiday except one, that’s Sunday.” That’s true for me as well. As I look around the neighborhood, I see many things wanting to be done but people are too busy with other obligations or just not focused on doing that particular thing at the moment. Others pick and choose what they want to do and so do I and I have more freedom than many.

My wife is in St. Louis. Whenever she’s away I feel a little at loose ends, without purpose, because underlying all, we are taking care of each other, she-me and I-her. Not interfering with each other, not causing the other problems but doing each our part for the other. So when she’s gone I am not concerned with doing for her and I realize that life without her would be very different.

I had thoughts of making a change, pursuing s.t. else, i.e., I was feeling that I wanted to start s.t. new or different. As I thought about it I became aware that is a recurring theme in my life; set a course, get started down a path, then before it can play itself out, decide to do something else. Well into it, to get discontented and impatient with progress and start to feel that there is s.t. new, exciting, and different to do and then go look for what it could be. And yet in the past, I was able to remain on a course and got back to whatever it was in the first place. So it was this time, only I was able to recognize the mind set and not waste much psychic energy on it. Even now I am not too interested in writing about it because these lines are expository and not analytical. IOW this mind set has been resolved and abandoned. I am back to the script, the club, the crop, and the cue.

It is interesting however to reflect on the discontent and resolution that occurred last week. It was as if I’d lost my way and then found it again. It is a valuable exercise, to write about it, because just like when engaged in a mindless chore I have thoughts of what else I’d rather/could be doing, so too the referenced mind-set is a way of asking that same question but on a broader plane. The results this time were to return to the dreams and pursue them. It was a validation.

I am doing what I want. I am performing, riding, playing golf and pool. I am also doing comm’y things in Rotary Club and taking care of the house and home. That which has the biggest influence on me, both consciously and not, is the set of daily affirmations I have developed. They have had a profound effect on my behavior and attitude. They continue to operate on a level that is not always in the foreground. There are some of the thirty-four that have been fully incorporated into my mien; there are others that are said, believed, and thought to be important but not yet part of the fabric of my day to day. For example it is easy to say, “Maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive” and quite another thing to react to situations that are not consistent with my preferences and/or perception of what they should be. Since this one is relatively new, it is a ruler to measure what is desired v. this is what it is. So it is with all of the dailies, they are standards, a code, desired behaviors, and as such give me a chart for guidance. I get off course but with the chart I can see where I am and make corrections, or not.

When I reflect on my performance evolution routine, these dailies, and my activities, I see that I am wending my way through a pleasant lifetime. And I suppose this is the source of my aforementioned discontent. It would seem that with the sophistication I have reached with my plotting and scheming that I could be accomplishing much more significant results. It begs the question, what is significant? I refer to my model of accomplishment and I am reminded that it is measurable in objective terms and not in subjective, i.e., not the perceptions of others. I have not achieved appropriate skill levels in my pursuits and thus prone to discouragement from time to time.

Another piece of the puzzle may be/could be that I am not concerned enough with the betterment of mankind. IOW I am not helping someone else; I am not responsible for anyone else, other than my wife, taking care to see to their welfare. At least I don’t feel that I am.

A third piece may be my envy of others whom I know, who seem to be better off, more accomplished, earning more, making more, living better than we. A fourth piece that is less in play is the “grass is greener” syndrome. This one may be tied to the previous piece in that others always seem to be better off; but upon closer scrutiny it is found that they have problems and situations that are much worse and they are not someone with whom I would trade places. This or that may be better but only this or that and not the whole.

So I am back to where I was after my walk the other day; i.e., I am reaffirmed in my resolve to act, ride, play pool and golf. These are the rocks of my activities with performing being the money-maker and the others providing satisfaction of different kinds.