We are staying inside most of the time, everything we need is here—food, water, exercise, access to the world, and a smidgeon of personal contact; Carola has been suffering from a bout with sinus infection and congestion but otherwise we are doing just fine. We could go out and I do whenever there is a good enough reason but on the whole I am reminded of space movies where the hero/s are self contained in a space ship and traveling through the void with all the same accouterments that we have here. The parallel is there, the space ship is this planet we are on.
Life goes on and there is a recurring theme for me; work to get somewhat good at whatever, then move on to s.t. else and start all over again from the beginning. There is a point where doing it again doesn’t increase the quality of the result enough to justify the expense of it so enthusiasm for the task is lost. This happens often and unless it is compensated by payment of some kind or another, mostly in the form of money but it can take other forms as well, such as appreciation from/by others or obligation as in meeting a responsibility, the endeavor is abandoned as ennui ensues.
I am seeing this now in “location.” We’ve been in Louisville now for 18 years and I have studied it for as long. There is history of which I am familiar, there has been a progression of improvement of which I am pleased, there are facets of it that make it a unique community and I am gaining an appreciation of them, there are personalities that make up the community, and there are factions that tend to protect personal interests instead of the common good.
This is as close to being part of a community as I have ever been. I am not a member of an organization that exists apart from the community, as I was in Newport News and Houston, or a foreigner as I was in France. As I recall Saint Louis and my time growing up there, I never considered myself a part of that community even though I very much was. It may be the transition that the population went through from close quarters in the city neighborhoods to the county in the 1960’s (and it happened again in the 1990’s to even farther out.)
I am vaguely becoming aware of the limitations of being here and can only wonder if these same limitations wouldn’t be in effect wherever I may be. Having never felt part of a community, it could be that I am just not able; comparing it to New York, Chicago, San Francisco, even Paris it could be that I want more than it can offer. I am not ready to move but the stirrings are there for an even more cosmopolitan, more sophisticated society.
The limitations may be personal v. community based and it harkens back to my seeming inability to work effectively along the second line, i.e. with others of like mind. I know this limitation exists, it is not unchangeable, and having recognized it and keeping myself aware of it, I am confident that I will make the necessary alterations to my method of operation and succeed.
There is only so much time left. If I lower my sights and become satisfied with being part of a scene here, then there is little more than attention to detail that needs doing. It is more quality of the surroundings than anything else and this may be a case of familiarity breeding discontent.
The people in charge seem to have the vision and resources to make it first class but there aren’t enough of them. Large private clubs, like Lake Forest CC, or Standard CC, and Louisville Boat Club, seem to have made the grade but they are the exception and not the rule. In NYC, Chi, SF, and Paris there are enough who have the vision to make it the rule rather than the exception.
Aside, Lexington KY seems to have the vision for quality; I see it downtown, in the neighborhoods, in the farms, in the area in general but even with the University of Kentucky and wealthy individuals, they lack critical mass of population to make it truly cosmopolitan. This may be true of Louisville as well because the community is dissected into geographic classes and individually they too lack critical mass.
As I proceed with my acting career, I may at some point pick up and leave here and go to one of the big cities that lures me, such as Chicago, New York, or San Francisco. And you know what; I’ll be starting all over again there as a stranger to the place. It will take me four years or more there, just as it has here and Houston to get acclimated to the new environment; this can be good or not so good. I’ll keep this in mind as I go forward. Since there are only so many years left of this lifetime, I may opt to stay put and accept my surroundings, however aesthetically disappointing they may be. I quickly add that all of my needs are met here except the aesthetic.
It would seem that some of the other things on my mind will have to wait. While this doesn’t deal directly with the whole list, it points to a restlessness that seems to always be nearby; what am I doing, where am I, what could I be doing, where could I be, with whom? Once achieved, is it what I really wanted? The good call is the one that stops pursuit of the unworthy.
No comments:
Post a Comment