What Are They Going to Think

My essay entitled Animals Don't Do It dealt with how a person feels about a situation.  This one is to bring in the aspect of how he thinks others are thinking about him in a situation.

As much, if not more, angst is felt when we think about how others accept what we did.  Any action we take is subject to at least two reviews, our own and that of others.  Problem is, there are as many "others" as see, or hear about, what we did.

Politicians develop a tough skin out of necessity.  They act and there is always a reaction.  Most of them, no matter how moral and ethical they are, are subject to criticism to the nth degree by detractors, both powerful and petty.  Just look at how the Clintons, G. W. Busch, Obama,Trump,  et al are treated by their detractors; many of us would buckle under the pressure, at least I think I would.

The time to think about what/how another will take what we do or say is before the fact.  This, however, is not an easy thing to do.  Too much consideration and, voila! the opportunity is gone and we lost out.  Not enough consideration and, voila! one has a problem on his hands.  

This why a good moral and ethical framework within to act and state is so important.  If what we do and say fits our moral and ethical framework, then whatever the repercussions we are able to be at peace in our own mind that we are OK.

That is not to say that we don't offend family and friends at times.  It is, however, to say that if we have a good basis for our action and it can serve as a starting point for reconciliation.   

If we act in opposition to our moral and ethical framework, we have the possibility of asking for forgiveness and make a resolution to be more careful in the future.  Making the judgement and responding accordingly is all we can do.  

I realize that not everyone in my life is a supporter.   Among my friends and family there are those that love me for whatever reason but then again there are a large number of those who do not agree with what I say and do.  Others that may be envious of me for whatever reason.  Then there are those who have their own problems with which they are unable to deal and displace their frustrations to others; in some cases, me.  Then there are the rest who simply don't care.

There are several ways to deal with it this realization.  One, I can ignore the torpedoes and continue to live my life.  Or two, I can try to please everyone and probably lose everything in the process.  Or  three, I can be sensitive to the criticism of the more meaningful people in my life and be guided accordingly.  The best course of action is a combination of one and three.

When considering a response one has to identify the critic and make his own judgement about the motivation for the criticism.  In most cases, where the critic is not a family member or a close friend, attempting to respond rationally doesn't even enter the picture.

These attacks are made with any number of motives, usually not specifically related to the act being criticized.  To respond at all is a waste of time and effort.  The attacker has an agenda and it doesn't include a discussion of the reasons for the act or the attack.

This post could go on for a long time about the types and motivations for attacks.  My thinking is that they can all be generalized accurately by saying that they derive from a reaction to some dissatisfaction with the attacker's own personal situation.

When the criticism comes from a family member or close friend, a rational response is best but one has to sensitive to the other being ready for such an attempt.  Often an emotional mindset is not recognized in the moment  and any attempt to explain or defuse the situation may fail.  One great strategy is to let it settle for a while so that the other can likewise be rational.  Like grounds in your coffee, it is more pleasant to drink it when they settle to the bottom.

Suffice it to say that this is a complex set of situations, we deal wiht them daily and for the most part do it well enough to placate family and friends and leave the others to their own devices.  

Animals Don't Do It

Animals with which I have interacted have demonstrated over and over again that they have many of the same attributes as humans but, due to physical constraints, size, or some other attribute we don't share, they are not quite up to a par with us.  Our hands and our rather well developed imagination are probably the major differences.

One major difference, apparent to me, is that they almost always accept the situation in which they find themselves, i.e., they are not judgmental unless the situation is seen to be life threatening. They seem to accept the circumstances in which they find themselves and go from there.

They do, however, make decisions about what they are going to do next based on those circumstances,  It is usually related to satisfying some need related to their previous experiences, safety, nutrition, procreation, need for affection, acceptance, or avoiding pain to name a few.

We, on the other hand, form opinions of almost everyone and everything we encounter; whatever the situation in which we find ourselves.  We judge: the weather, the relative comfort of our surroundings, the way we hear others speak, the quality of the performance of the doer, actor, speaker, dancer, or even the newscaster  and weather person.  Understanding that evaluation with the intention of improving is more than acceptable but necessary if we are to make progress, the subject here is one without the other.

Then to make matters even more silly, we seem to feel that we have to share that opinion with whom so ever is nearby, friend or even stranger.  If they are within earshot we let them know how we feel about it.

This is the source of many of the problems that we have with others.  It spawns road rage, hard feelings, hurt feelings, and puts us in a mood that is not conducive to being a desirable companion.

Aware of all this, I experimented with (1) not judging the situation in which I found myself and (2) avoiding expressing a positive or negative opinion of anything.  It turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.

The first hurdle I had to get over was judging me; my looks, appearance, clothes, voice, attitude, and actions/inaction.  I wrapped my index finger around the tip of my thumb and tugged it, sort of like the cricket the nuns used in church, whenever I was aware that I was making an opinion, spoken or not.  It was a lot more difficult than I imagined.

The next hurdle was accepting others who were voicing opinions, making judgements, about whatever.  My thumb was getting sore from the tugging.

I began to notice that there was a fine line between making a judgement and making an objective evaluation upon which to base a decision or act.  When a horse, a jumper, stops or runs out on a jump; one need not look at the horse for an error.  The horse made an objective evaluation of the situation and or whatever reason, usually something the rider did or didn't do, decided to avoid the obstacle.  We, of course, also do a lot of this.  We also, however, get caught in making superfluous opinions on just about everything.

There are several industries that are based on this.  One of them is the tabloids that print all sorts of salacious accounts that fuel opinions about celebrities. Another is cable news networks that provide opinions for our consideration about the actions of our elected and appointed officials be they political or in some other vein, such as sports.  These, and spectator sports in general, pander to those who need opinions because they don't have the objective knowledge necessary to form their own.

Meanwhile, I've had to switch thumbs occasionally because I found myself overworking one or the other.  It has, however, made me aware of my opinion based thinking and I'd like to say that I've taken a more cross country horse-like approach to life.  In competition the horse does not see the cross country course or the stadium jumping arena before the competition.  He has to take it "in stride" and complete it, guided only by his rider.

Living like this has given me a whole different perspective, much more calm, much less fretful, less worried about tomorrow.  It is because of this that I pass along these thoughts to anyone interested.

Noticing the instances of being judgmental was only the first step in the process.  In order to be successful, one has to change the way he thinks.  The next step was to replace the judgmental thought with an accepting thought.  This was much more difficult.

The final stage would be to, one day, note that one is being accepting and not judgmental without even being aware of it. This pretty much describes the alteration of any bad habit with a more desirable one or none.

Animals have few, if any, expectations about outcomes to situations.  Yet this is where we often lose our perspective about a situation.

We have expectations in almost all situations.  We seem to have a great deal of difficulty dealing with unmet expectations and we express a whole spectrum of negative emotions when they are not met.

Golf, anyone whose played it knows of what I speak, is a game of unmet expectations.  We set up the shot, envision it, see the distance, the slope, the terrain between us and the target.  We set our stance, hands, and body, all with the expectation that the shot will be true.  Voila, it isn't and we are disappointed and that's putting it mildly.

This same thing is true in traffic.  We expect a certain flow, that others will abide by the rules, that our right of way will be respected.  Voila, it isn't and we are disappointed and that's putting it mildly.

It also comes into play when dealing with others.  We expect to get our way, that what we think is what's right and that they will be agreeable.  Voila, they aren't and we are disappointed and that is putting it mildly.

The thought I'm describing is complex; it's more than acceptance, it's being willing to admit that our expectations are not necessarily going to be met and we need to be alright with that.

Managing expectations requires forethought but often life situations don't allow time for it.  The goal of objectivity is that for which we should strive.  "Realizing that emotional reactions are irrational, I respond more objectively." One of my aphorisms, a holy grail.

This has turned into a rather long essay, about 1,200 words but almost all necessary to express the thought.

Unexpected Result of Technology

The past several weeks are no exception to the interpersonal experiences of the past several years.  People are engrossed in their screens to the exclusion of all around them.  It's not a problem because everyone is doing the same thing, hunched over their screen either scrolling through messages or engrossed in playing some sort game.  All ignoring those around them and the rich entertainment that could be had with a good conversation.

There are books written on the subject, each and all giving advice on how to start and maintain a good conversation.  It boils down to an analogy, i.e. a game of catch.  One could easily write several hundred words on the similarities of conversation and catch but the reader can figure all of that out for him/herself.

A couple of  instances of casts being together to perform shows led to different takes on the screening phenomenon.  The first was the rather large cast of Our Town, which included several players under the age of 16.  These weren't all that comfortable around a rather large group of older, not elderly, people.  They spent the first couple of  rehearsals bent over their screens but then something interesting happened.

One at a time the screens were put on the counter, table, or in a pocket and the kids began to participate in the patter and the fun of the conversations going on around them.  It was, I think, a matter of getting comfortable with the others in the cast.  The screens offered a safe diversion until they felt less threatened and like participating in the fun.

A second, more recent experience, was in another large cast where people would sit together but be totally engrossed, each in their own screen, usually playing a game or texting someone.  I am assuming the person being texted was not there but one never knows.

These people were adults, anywhere from 17 to 78 years of age.  As the senior member of the cast, I was anywhere from 40 to 60 years older than any other; that is not beside the point.  For about 6 weeks of rehearsals and performances, I was politely ignored.  My attempts at starting a conversation were met with one word answers or sometimes more but never an attempt to continue.  This wore on me until I realized their discomfort with talking to me.  But then they didn't talk all that much among themselves either.

I think a psychologist would have a field day in analyzing the scope and content of the talking that went on; I won't call it conversation.  Remarks, snippets, braggadocio, facts, experiences, were sent one way, one time.  There were some conversations but for that period of time and for the hours spent together, scant little.

The ignorance of social interaction can be laid at the doorstep of Apple, Google, Microsoft, and the other developers of applications that are used on digital devices.  A whole generation of people is being hijacked into isolation and losing the ability to interact on an informal basis.

Personally, I'm not going to be around long enough to see the long-term effect of all of this and sometimes I think that's a good thing.  Freedom from social interaction could have dire results.  The next generation of people is already not involved in the personal interaction that participation in society demands.  Their needs are met by technology at one extreme and by gangs on the other.

Pick up games are a thing of the past. Structured activities are something like technology.  Participation requires an appointment, a driver, safety equipment, umpires, referees.  And in the setting up of these "play dates", texts and calls among parents to be sure that everyone is on board for the experience.  When is the last time you heard someone called from outside their house to come out and play?

Technology doesn't require personal, face-to-face interaction and certainly not with people who are not of the same age or class as that of the youth.  The void is filled by those who readily supply the need to belong, unfortunately in many cases it is given by a criminal gang.

The two extremes; overly structured and anarchic are the rigueur du jour.  Technology fuels both..

Nutrition--Nutrition!

A previously published poem with an explanation of how it all works.

The poem at the end is in French and it tells of the relationship among the senses when it comes to taking nourishment.  What we eat is the result of natural processes and the work of many people, all to present the food to us in a way that pleases the senses to get us to pick it up. 

We know what to pick up, what to eat, because of the integrated nature of our being.  Needs are signaled to the brain and then our senses, what we see, touch, taste, smell, or hear, are used to find what will fulfill those needs.  The same holds true for other bodily and emotional needs.

As an aside, fulfillment of emotional needs by certain substances can override what is physically needed and excessive indulgence results; the physical needs of the body are ignored in an attempt to satisfy emotional needs.  The results of this can often be seen as obesity or on the other extreme, malnutrition, then if the effect of the substance embeds itself in that part of the being that expresses need, voila--addiction to alcohol or other chemicals.

Once selected, the food is prepared and put into the mouth and the ambiance of the place, the elegant serving, the pleasant smells, the beautiful color of the various components of the meal are all, quite suddenly, gone as the food is put in our mouths and smashed between the teeth, pushed around in the mouth with the tongue, mixed with saliva, and continued to be smashed it until the consistency is right and particle size is sufficiently small to swallow.  The senses are satisfied; now the real work begins.

Once swallowed the mash is kept in the food pipe and further lubricated with saliva, and whatever we are drinking with the meal, until a signal is given somehow, and the sphincter that guards the stomach is relaxed and the mash is allowed to fall in.  This is the where the mix goes through its final qualifier; if there is anything that is unacceptable, the whole content is regurgitated in an attempt to keep the system from harm.

In the stomach, the mash is mixed into a slurry with various acids.  It is chemically reduced to molecules that are either used or ignored as the slurry passes along into and through the intestines where the useful bits are further separated.  These are then taken to the furnace of the lungs where heat is applied and chemical reactions further extract useful molecules which are then taken to their bodily destinations.

The basic components of fuel for the body are carbohydrate, protein, and fat molecules.  These basics are not recognizable from the foods that contained them when they were ingested and processed; they are stored in body tissue until needed.  Only that required to supply enough energy to support movements and other bodily functions is taken from storage and burned for energy.  Thus, when the amount provided to the body exceeds what is necessary, it is stored and accumulates in tissue adding to the shape that is evident under clothing.

A second group of nutritional elements are vitamins and minerals that allow the continued replacement of tissue that is either damaged or no longer viable.  These are generally supplied in foodstuffs in the micro amounts necessary but due to the processing of food before it is eaten, a wise person would supplement his diet with a variety of vitamins and minerals.

A third and equally important element of diet is fiber that is not digested but provides bulk as the slurry is pushed along through the digestive track.  Since the elimination of waste is an essential activity, fiber allows the body to mix with it whatever is no longer usable by the body and discharge it.

The final ingredient is water.  This is either in its molecular form or in the form of liquids taken with and between meals.  Water is extracted from such liquids and used for digestion and other bodily needs including temperature control, producing mucus and other fluids, and general lubrication of tissue throughout the body.

Le Poéme

Les fermiers voient les champs

Ils voient les feuilles vertes, les animaux vivants

Et ils les récoltent

Les marchands font les étalages

Ils arrangent les paquets brillants

Et ils les vendent

Les clientèles voient les paquets

Ils choisissent les plus beaux

Et ils les prennent à la cuisine.

Les responsables de la cuisine

Ils voient les produits consommer

Et ils les préparent

Les mangeurs voient les beaux plats 

Et ils mangent

Et tout se mélange dans le corps

Les parties du corps reçoivent le mélange

Et le digèrent au mieux

Puis elles s'en débarrassent.

C'est la vie.

C'est la.

Movin' on Down the Line

"Realizing that emotional reactions are irrational, I respond more objectively."

This is one of my daily aphorisms and it is easier said than done.  The germ of the idea came a long time ago when a psychologist friend gave me a white paper on rational response.  The idea lay dormant for quite a few years until I began realizing that I was indeed, crippled, at times in my thinking by irrational thoughts.

It is a recurring theme when cast for a part in any film, stage, or voice production and the pattern was the same almost every the time.  I am thrilled to be chosen for the part.  The enthusiasm is sustained through the pre-production process until the rehearsals, filming or A-B-C submission take place.  Then self-doubt sets in, big time; mind reading of the director's thinking that he made a mistake in casting me, or the cast thinking, "What is he doing here?" Thinking that my interpretation of the character is all wrong, that my image on film is less than satisfactory, or even the irrational fear of being asked to leave the production.

After recent comments from one director that seemed harsh, I examined my irrational thinking more objectively.  Why would I react this way?  And, as I drove down the road that night, memories of being called on the carpet by authority figures like the Monsignor, my boss at NNS and even at Tenneco came back to me.  Yes, I had stepped over unfamiliar imaginary lines of behavior and was called on the carpet for it but this wasn't the same thing.  At no time was my ability or talent in question but rather my behavior.

Then there were the times that auditors were called in to examine the books and practices of the accounting department for which I had responsibility.  There were no significant errors or omissions.  The same was true of the security practices of the data center.

The ominous nature of the carpet calls and the audits did not, however, escape me.  Who was the snitch, why were there suspicions?  I've come to realize that the world is full of rats and to take that into account, and in business there exists envy and distrust of individuals in decision making positions that holds true from the top to the bottom in larger companies.  But the fairness of The Law doesn't apply in all circumstances of business and action can be taken based on rumor with no burden of proof.

It has been a goal of mine to sing on stage, even to the point of getting professional help from a locally well-known voice teacher.  We started lessons, I worked up a familiar audition song from "Guys and Dolls."  She was frank in telling me that I had a ways to go before I could hope to get cast.

With her coaching on the how-to, I did a couple of auditions for musicals with little hope of being cast. The effort to prepare and to perform them was written off as a learning experience. The jury is still out on one of them.  To my surprise and delight, the other resulted in being cast in Clue: The Musical.  Now my hopes are up that the other will pan out for a summer production of Kiss Me Kate.  (It did and we did 16 performances of the production in August.)

My euphoria crashed after the first reading and the realization of the work ahead came through.  The tide of self-doubt began to come in.  I reassured myself that at no time did I misrepresent my talent or singing ability and that i was willing to do whatever to see this through and do well.  As we started rehearsals and I sang, the quality of my voice on the higher notes was, shall we be kind and say, not the best.  The director is a real professional and the cast all know one another from other productions.  I am a stranger in their midst.  All of what I described above came into play until the drive home that night.

As voice lessons continued, I complained to her, "I just can"t hit the high notes."  She said of course not, you're not supporting your voice from your abdomen.  We worked on that just a few minutes and voila! there were the D, E. F,and F#; exercises with the piano to sing particular random notes as the keys are struck ended tone searching.  Then my lines work received a compliment from the director.  The cast seems to accept me more and more each time.  

As usual the tide of doubt is ebbing again and it will stay out, if the past is prologue.  The combination of identifying the influence of past experience, dealing with problems, and rational thinking have allowed me to move on confidently; and the amount of time spent agonizing over phantom situations has been reduced dramatically.

Ground Hog Day- Updated

About two and a half years ago I published a post entitled, Ground Hog Day.  It was actually on September 6, 2014.  This is a sort of update to that post.  Time has passed and the situation hasn't changed all that much.  It is still Ground Hog Day around here but with a new realization and that is living in the present.

Most people don't give recollection and remembering a second thought; it is natural, expected, and is something upon which to rely.  Our memories of childhood fuel the stories that we tell our grandchildren.  Our recollection of dates and events allow us to go through the present without concern.  Sworn testimony often contains recollection of facts surrounding an act. When we forget a birthday or anniversary, the other is offended because remembering is expected; not only that of others but ourselves as well.

Take that away and there is a totally different perspective evident.  A trip down a familiar roadway and all the sights are brand new. This road is in terrible condition; can't you write your friend a letter about it?  Where is all this traffic coming from; shouldn't these people all be at work?  Seeing a familiar house, one is heard to ask the same question about those living there,  such as, I wonder why they have so many little cars parked in their driveway?

When you've been over the same traffic jammed and bumpy roads so many times, they no longer seems worthy of comment but when one doesn't recall the terrible conditions from the last 100 times over it, it is worthy of comment.  What one with normal memory expects is the same lack of comment that anyone would have after so many repetitions; one hears the comment as a complaint when in fact, it is an observation, again

The person with impaired memory lives totally in the present; enjoys programs while they watch but can't tell you a thing about them later.  Enjoys a conversation but has no recollection of the call.  The most common statement is, 'I can't remember now because I am so tired," and having said that, all of the concern about the situation goes away.

"This set of keys would be better put over here," then can't find them when the need arises. Pills are put out to take during the day and they are still there the next day and the next.   Clothes are strewn about to be put away later but then later never happens, it is always now. When the mess is recognized one hears, "I must get to that, tomorrow." This scenario is repeated continuously.

The idea of living in the present was mentioned in passing by my son in a phone conversation when it became evident that he'd called and had conversation with his mother but she didn't mention it and couldn't recall it when I asked about it.  He simply said, "She's living in the present."  I must give him credit for making such an astute observation because after he said it, my understanding of the situation improved.

Thankfully, I'm here to remind her.

Good Reviews, In My Dreams

This morning, I awoke from a dream.  Once again I was in the shipyard offices working, but this time I was a total success.  People were coming to me instead of ignoring me, treating me with respect instead of disdain.  I was "at home" as I walked through the corridors off the lobby, which were all marble and outfitted with art deco glass and light globes.  I was approving important documents for collecting money for work.  A rather bright, intelligent young man was asking me for advice on how best to get ahead there because he was applying for work.

This is quite a contrast to my usual shipyard dream.  I am, until this one, always feeling shunned, as if I am marked for deletion but no one is willing to talk about it with me. The shipyard is my recurring dream and, until this last one, almost a night mare.

When I thought about it, I think it may be that I am feeling the success of my portrayal of Joe Cabot in Reservoir Dogs.  The audiences have been most complimentary and volunteered their enthusiastic review of my efforts.  It is a sad commentary that I feel good about my life and performances so few times but that's the way it is/was.