On Leaving Here

(Since posting this, I've realized that it isn't necessary to move to NY, LA, or Chicago to work there; one can work there and live anywhere so long as he has travel money.)

Why have I remained here so long?  We got rid of the business 14 years ago in May; I haven’t worked or tried to get a job since.  For the first several years after giving up the business, I worked part time here and there halfheartedly trying to find something to which to devote my time.  Then there was Mom and all of that.  Since she died in 2009, I've been involved in theater and film, and filling in the rest of the time participating in activities that I enjoy.

The only things holding us here are the physical and emotional impacts of selling the house and relocating to a different place.   Many of the people we know would soon be forgotten, just as we would be by them and we would have to start all over again.

All that we have would either be discarded or packed and taken along.  We have accumulated a lot of things, most of which are worthless to anyone but us.  We don’t throw away anything that we have here that we think may be of some use to us.

So, let’s do some hypothetical thinking.  Suppose we were offered a move that would net for us the equity we have in the house and would allow us to take along everything that we felt was necessary.  I.O.W, the same deal that we had upon leaving Newport News.

Why would we leave here?  I want to be an actor that audiences want to pay good money to see on stage and in film.  The prospect is bleak for finding enough work here as an actor on stage, in film and commercials.  There are plenty of stage opportunities but they are gratis, i.e. for the love of the art; paid work is a limited market for films, commercials, and modeling.

The entertainment and cultural aspects of this location are high-end minor league and the psyche of the city is myopic.  There don’t seem to be identifiable core businesses that are local, all are owned by others who don’t live here; hence the understanding of what it takes is missing. 

The local managements of the big companies are not involved in the community as leaders because their future is elsewhere.  The movers and shakers are not here and what is left has more form than substance.

Why would we stay here?  We are settled here, adapted to the culture, and have everything that we need.  We have acquaintances upon whom we can call if there’s an emergency.

There are doctors, hospitals, professionals of all sorts.  We are comfortable in the marketplace.  The sources of satisfaction for all of my endeavors, and more, are available.  The University, library, and museum scenes are good and available to us.  The city is large enough to afford a certain familiarity and anonymity at the same time.   

I am aware that as a person gets older his world seems to begin to shrink around him.  It is no longer all that important to be seen out and about.  The circle of people with whom one associates tends to be smaller and less frequent without a feeling of loss.  We tend to eat less, use less, keep less, buy less, wear out and discard more.  Although it seems that way it isn’t necessarily true; it could be that our imagination grows less active; still the energy to get out and do is ebbing.

Then there’s the uncertainty that making a leap of faith entails.  While we have an income upon which to rely for basics, there’s always the chance that all would be forsaken in Chicago, Houston, Los Angeles, New York, or San Francisco.  It may be that fear is holding me back.  

The Newport News strategy was a decision.  I wanted to get away from St. Louis and be on my own; the shipyard offered me the way to do that.  I/we didn't know anything about the city, the area, the state except what we were able to glean from publications, which was scant little.  The other major relocations to Houston, then Europe, and Milwaukee were dictated by the company.
  

The move here was likewise motivated by the market that was available and research about the place including an exploratory visit.  It was, however, more based on blind faith than anything else.  A different strategy could be employed, different from any of the others.  In retrospect, the way we picked Louisville was pretty good.

A move away would be preceded by secondary and primary research; reading local papers, finding the locations in them that are desirable, looking at playbills of current events, and generally getting a sense of how it would be.  Use local connections through Rotary Clubs and visit to gauge the social milieu that goes along with the location and life style.  Then make the decision and go.

When I think of my current situation, marketing oneself is an activity in which one must spend time and effort, now and if we would make a move.  We are active in the theater circles, especially when I’m working.

There are things to do and people with whom to associate.  This would be a good bit of rehearsal for the larger stage, being involved with the Arts community even more than I currently am; perhaps working in a community theater organization, continuing to take classes wherever and whenever I can, and keep the image out there on Facebook, which seems to be the local advertising media for the acting community.  There is a balance to be struck not to overdo it.

My belief in the omniscient connection may be the answer; what will be is what I want.  There are so many of me involved in the decision that it may seem irrational when it happens but it will be for the best.  Meanwhile I’ll continue to pursue my endeavors and work on my goals and objectives.  The dreams that I have can be pursued actively here and now without fear of wasting time or effort.  

Que sera sera avec une peu de l’aide de l’âme. 

Vocalizing the Dream

Why did I work in the shipyard so long?  The pay wasn't competitive and yet I stayed there because I didn't know that I could do any better.  Is not knowing another way of saying I didn't think I was worthy of more or better, or was I simply satisfied with what I had and what I was doing?

But most of this is simply sour grapes.  I wanted to work there, it was the premiere shipyard in the world; I excelled in every job that I had, was recognized and promoted to management and then to the parent company headquarters.  In the meantime we raised our kids in a good environment; they had enough of a foundation to make their way in the world.  I didn't feel the need to do any better.  I should stop here but the urge to talk it out has to be satisfied.

At times I bemoaned the fact that I had to do it all by myself without the moral support of a trusted mentor and adviser.  I suppose I am something of a blockhead because there was rarely anyone to whom I would listen and I remember a few times that I was given advice and only two bits of it that took.

My father-in-law said to go to work for a large corporation and stay there and that was good advice at the time.  Another mentor advised me to go back for a degree in Naval Architecture which I didn't take but went back for an MBA on my own volition.  My boss, upon appointing me Controller-Treasurer of a shipyard subsidiary, simply told me, “Don’t ever reverse a profit.”  Good advice that I heeded through thick and thin as we battled for change-order payments.

My thinking was somewhat limited and kept me in the middle management ranks as I reflect back now on my jobs and for whom I worked.  It was limited by that to which I was exposed and my reluctance to be imaginative and open to higher ideals.

The ideas and philosophy of the level of executive ranks above me was not apparent to me and I wasn't able to figure it out.  I was a camel and thought of myself as a good one while not seeing that the leaders were horses.  Somehow others figured it out but not I.  I suppose I thought I was doing as well as I possibly could.  

Keeping my own counsel may have been a disadvantage.  Things that happened to me when I was growing up made me distrust people “above” me.  Now I know especially one precise incident that was all but forgotten but not really.  Rarely did I confide in my "superiors" what I was thinking.  This prevented any flow of ideas and philosophy from them and ergo stunted my thinking.

The real benefit of all this comes from realizing these things and not letting them discourage or deflate me.  I can look back on a career in engineering and management and see great accomplishments.  My foray into business was doomed from the start by much of the above and my bullheadedness and even there I got out with my shirt; no mean feat.

Then reflecting on two shipyard associates, one was a peer and the other a subordinate; I see differences that led to the different outcomes.  The peer was not bound by pride of accomplishment but rather expediently rolled with the waves; he was intelligent, personable, and compliant; willing to play a subordinate role in exchange for being in the room with those who made the big decisions.  He eventually became a vice-president and then president of the company, leading it to a successful, and profitable for the stockholders, take-over by a larger corporation.

The subordinate was loyal, incredibly intelligent, and idealistic.  He was ambitious and had an abiding belief in his own success.  He had big and unrealistic ideas but pursued them because he believed in them.  Few of them panned out but his belief in them obtained for him the chance to try them and in a very real sense he became highly successful.  His ideas led him to positions in other technology companies where he made millions in compensation.

None of my peers was smarter or better educated; it was self-reliance that stymied me, I may have had too much of it.  I was a top player on a minor league team when success would have been a starter on a major league team.  Now I’m retired from the game but it is not too late for this introspection.

Acting is the same as other paths I've taken, I have big dreams and the belief that I am worthy of them, which comes from within.  Sharing and vocalizing dreams are important regardless of what others say and think.  Finding and associating with successful others of like mind are likewise important ingredients.  

 

 A path in life can be more pleasant and successful when it is walked in the company of others of like mind; others who are open and honest, who share their thoughts and feelings; those that aren't and won’t need to be shunned.  And feeling worthy of your dreams is per-requisite to achieving them.

Make the contact; that is the directive.  Think in terms of finding those who have similar aspirations; the admonition.  You look fine, you act refined, you have a good vocabulary and write well.  You are not in competition with these others but rather in the same boat.  If they get the part, if they get the publicity, if they get the big pay; it’s OK.  If, for some reason you make a poor choice, not to worry.  They can use you but they can’t use you up.

Unshakable faith in the realization of your dreams will overcome any setback you may have.  By any objective measure, you are worthy of being successful whatever you decide to do or to get.

The vector of time is always pointing to the future; the past is gone and best forgotten except to learn lessons from experiences, good and bad.  This dissertation is part of that learning experience, the value of vocalizing the dream.

On Getting and Paying for It

One of the first concerns I have when setting out to get something is, “Am I supposed to have this?”  It comes to mind first, before my decision to get it.  Then, “Can I afford it?” The cost of something is a primary concern unless it is something I really want and then it is of no concern.  Buying decisions are not rational, nor objective; they are emotional

Price and a sense of what the thing is worth factor heavily into any decision to buy.  If I get the feeling that I am being used somehow, I don’t participate in that market unless it is absolutely necessary.  Buying a car and selling a house are two major examples.

With the car, the dealership, no matter what they say,  is poised to take advantage of the buyer.   So I have purchased cars from individuals and felt pretty good about it; from dealerships and felt terrible about it, as if I’d been unfairly used by them for their profit.  I tend to buy and keep a car for as long as possible to avoid the market.

The same with selling a house; usurious fees for real estate agents tend to discoruage me from moving from one residence to another.  I sold our first house in 1973 and paid a Realtor, second and third in 1985 and 1989 and the company paid for these sales; we are living in the fourth and the thought of paying 7% of the selling price will keep me in place until it is absolutely necessary to move.

On the other hand,  there are things that I wanted so badly that I didn't think about the cost/ price of it and probably paid a large premium for them.  Some examples are: work clothes, i.e. suits, shirts, ties, and shoes when I joined the management of the company, Dale Carnegie training, my sailboats, ski trips, travels around France and Europe while there, and our current house.

Much of my attitude about money was shaped when I sat down at age 18 and independently figured out how much we would need to go back to college and get my degree.  I had to pinch pennies and put whatever I could into savings to get that amount, and get it I did.

It was just enough because we were flat broke upon graduation. I had in my pocket enough to get by a week or two in Newport News until my first paycheck came through; and the discipline didn't stop after that.  It was a financial struggle the whole time until we moved to Houston.  It was then that the money situation eased up a bit and we were flush.  My salary was nearly doubled to give you an idea of the situation in Newport News.

There were psychological influences on me after that due to many years of scrimping and saving and they continue to confine my thinking, somewhat.  We continue to live carefully but not frugally. We enjoyed life in a limited way in Houston and amassed a decent amount of savings, which when added to the appreciation we realized on our houses gave us a nice “nut” to invest.

It was invested in a no-load mutual fund that met criteria that I set.  It had to have a certain capitalization, a good track record over-all, and it had to have made it through the mid-eighties recession without a loss.  I found such a fund and it was a very successful investment.  The appreciated value of the original investment allowed us to build this house and make the necessary investment in a franchise.

When we came back from France there was also enough money that we didn't have to be concerned about it.  Then I got laid off but still we weren't concerned about money because the company made a generous separation settlement.  We were able to get settled in Louisville without difficulty and have everything we need.

I realize that cost and price are not related in most instances.  That price is set by some subjective reasoning based on market value and that a seller will do all in his power to get his price.  He will lie, cheat, and misrepresent as much as possible to get the sale.  It is this suspicion that keeps me alert.  I hear war stories from salespeople, I read about scams; I know that market sets the price but a good salesman can prey upon a relationship to keep a buyer in place. 

All of this makes me more than suspicious; it makes me cynical of others’ motives but in most instances I am sensitive and want people to like me, not cold, calculating, ruthless, and insensitive.  Therefore I don't push for the lower price, the better deal to get the balance on my side.

On this issue I am less than routinely successful but there were many instances while I was working at the shipyard, corporate headquarters, France, and especially in my own business operations that I was able to forge a good, if not exemplary deal and see it through but my basic temperament is more kindly and submissive than that.

Aware of this “nice guy” weakness, I approach things in a different way.  I resolve ahead of time what I want and need to make a deal, qualify a supplier and then pretty much give in to the deal offered.  Often it seems better than what I was thinking about in the first place; more verification that I don’t have a lot of imagination in the marketplace.

As I now think about it, there isn't much that is critical of the way I am handling our finances except for a lack of imagination.  I can reflect upon all the different criteria that have influenced my choices along the way, even today.  Independent of need and desire is the avoidance being “taken.”  I approach any situation involving the exchange of money, whether I’m buying or selling, with trepidation.