Sans Doute

 The challenge is to have certainty replace doubt and do it earlier in the process in order to avoid the angst that occurs during practice and rehearsal sessions.  I perform well after practice, hard work, and rehearsal. 

Certainty stems from confidence which can be gained through practicing skills and recalling good performances.  Skills can be identified, analyzed, and developed systematically.  Then with the confidence of being able to consistently “make the shot,” one can be certain of his ability at all times, sans doute.

I have written so many words about so many topics and wonder what a 3^rd party objective observer would conclude about them.  I am not even going to take a stab at it.  There are, however, recurring themes, one of which is an engrained sense of doubt which results in fear of not performing to the standards of the other(s).  It is irrational but there just the same.

And here I am 82 going on 83, and even after having realized this for many years, this is one I haven’t been able to slough off or change, until now perhaps.  I masquerade it; often by being in disparate groups of people and exhibit behavior that promotes the reputation of being a proven player in another group.

The sad part of it is that everyone else perceives a person as he feels about himself.  They pick up on these subtleties and, without expressing anything, react to him in accord with those feelings.  If others see one as doubting his ability, they may also.

Doubt occurs during the preparation phase, the skill practice, which often underlines the need for the practice, and rehearsals prior to performance. All of my doubt disappears when I take the stage.  And I use "take the stage" euphemistically for any time I am expected to take the fore.

From where then does this feeling of doubt originate?  It could come from growing up where and when I did; the influence of mother, father, and to some extent my sister; the influence of authority figures at school and church, and other places; the influence of friends and peers; experiences of failures in life.  And there may be many other sources.

Now I am beginning to see something!  All the while I have it in mind to do “it,” whatever “it” is, I doubt that I’ll be able to do it.  I feel awkward, clumsy, incoherent, a complete ass.  And when it is over, I see that it was the opposite, an accomplishment of which to be proud.  All the while I am practicing or rehearsing, and even sometimes while playing, I’m doubting my ability, it is as if I’m losing but then I win.

Another aspect of this doubt is the distractions into which I dissolve.  They include TV, games, surfing, spectating, driving around aimlessly, for a few of the major distractions.  These are ways of mentally escaping a life situation at hand but often they are to allay figuring out what to do to improve the performance. If my attention is on one of them, I am not doubting me and I am avoiding performance.

So, we have two main manifestations of doubt: preparation and distraction.  The former is a trip into the mire, the latter is avoiding it.

I am now in the position of “Physician, heal thyself.”  While I can see that I can deal with the distractions by recognizing them for what they are and diverting my actions towards progress towards a goal.  Doubt, however, is like the tide.  Should I attempt finding the source of it? Or should I accept it as a permanent circumstance, much like the tide.

Using this tidal analogy, one could build emotional dikes and levees in an attempt to contain the flood but these would require construction, maintenance and repair with the ever-present possibility of a breach.  A breach which in all probability would occur at the most inopportune time, a time where the emotional price is high.  It would seem if I could disarm the reaction somehow that it would be resolved permanently.  I may have to reach out to someone for help here; I wonder if my counselor is still out there?

What is the genesis of the feelings of doubt?

The pastor was surreptitiously holding tryouts for the choir; we were in 1^st or 2^nd grade.  It came my turn.  I croaked out a sound that even surprised me as to how bad it was.  Meanwhile, I’d been in the front pews of the church, closest to the choir, and imagined that at least one of the fine voices that I was hearing was mine.  My surprise and disappointment were profound.

Then there are the photos of me as I was growing into adulthood.  My image of me was completely different from the photographic evidence, devastating.

 I have had my share of erroneous self-images.  And I think this doubt may be a leftover set of emotional responses to any portending trip into the spotlight.  There is an unresolved doubt about me and my capabilities in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.  It is like the guy who got hit by a pitch and now has to fight flinching when he is at bat.

Can my older psyche be convinced that I am past all of that?  That I have more than made up for my previous gaffs?  I know intellectually that I am not Mr. Natural, or Wonderful; that I need to work hard to practice and rehearse skills that don’t come to me naturally.  And I must add, there are scant few that do.  I know that when I apply myself to the situation at hand, planning the project, solving the problem, the issue, that I am successful nearly 100% of the time.

Then there are the failures.  Each ended and were painful to endure as they were unfolding.  These were more than mistakes, with which one can deal as it occurs.  The failures occurred when I missed the point entirely and suffered the consequences for it: There were three failures in my professional career.

All of them were hard on me emotionally and there was a common thread that ran through all of them: not seeing the forest for the trees.  Focusing on the minutiae of the situation and not having a guiding dream or aim for it.  Perhaps because I doubted my chance of success.

The missing ingredient in all of my failures was not understanding what the possibilities were for the situation and not getting guidance and perspective from others.  My sensitivity to being seen as not knowing, or not being clever and smart enough to figure it out, was too great for me to overcome so I tended to figure it out for myself; not always successfully.

At Newport News Shipbuilding and my twenty-two years of successful performance there, I was proactive and even, at times, groomed for jobs.  Yet, I didn’t go to anyone for help in figuring out what to do and when.  Often a boss would give me a terse commandment, such as "Don't ever reverse a profit" and I lived by them.  In retrospect this was a good thing for me at the time.  I relied on independently thinking through situations because I didn’t want to be perceived as not smart enough to figure it out for myself.  The success of independently thinking contributed to my later failures when I needed a better understanding of the big picture and I wouldn't ask for it.

Now, it is the audition, the rehearsal, the dialogue, the direction, the perceived opinion others in the cast and the director that lead to a gnawing doubt of my ability to perform.  Strangely, this same gnawing doubt disappears when I perform.  All of the doubt and imagined perceptions of others finally resolve in performance.  It’s just the way it is.  Before I have to perform, the doubt that I have of my ability is emotionally debilitating.  Perhaps now that I understand it better, I can deal with it more rationally; I think so.

 

 

Serendipity

 There are so many instances where it turns out for the good.  More than can be given over to chance.  It caused me to wonder, is there manipulation of whatever: traffic, weather, horse races, gaming tables, my location vis a vis the bullet, the car, the falling object, going on with me receiving the benefit?  Then I realized that it wasn't the whatever being manipulated but it was I.  Guided by something unseen to be there and then, to make this choice, to do whatever leading up to then.

What is this unseen something? It could be a faculty, of which we are not aware, that guides us to that end.  It may be some connection we have to the universe.  It may be those who have gone before us into the spiritual realm, those we befriended or helped in some way; could even be family that have gone before us.

The source of this "serendipity" is not known.  It happens with such frequency that I don't put if off to chance.  Yet it is not something upon which to rely; making a conscious decision to do something, thinking that serendipity will happen for us, would be a big mistake.  That is the time when it wouldn't.

Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy it when it does happen and say a silent "thank you."

Ideals

 

We seem to have instilled in us, or perhaps it is innate, a desire to perceive that we have lived up to an ideal.  These ideals pertain to what we do, not necessarily what we don't.

Ideals are shaped in our mind from infancy.  They may start as an infant's ploy for favorable attention from parents and then, later, from others in positions of influence.  These ideals shape our performance of any and all actions.

Ideals are subject to change but the underlying incentive is a favorable reaction from an audience; be it of one person or a theater full of people.  Everything we say and do in the presence of others is shaped by these ideals.

The downside is not living up to an ideal.  Omissions and errors, when we realize we've experienced  them, cause emotional pain.  This pain is on a continuum from "so what" to OMG, I have really messed up!  

During and immediately following a performance, the realization that it didn't measure up to the ideal causes discouragement.  Self-talk on these occasions can be, "Why do I even bother to try this?"  "I'm not going to play this game anymore."  "What a silly ass am I, performing this badly."  

A good performance, or at least a passable one, may lead to self-congratulatory expressions and a desire to play again.  It is truly a see-saw of emotions.  One moment in the pits; then looking at it more objectively, back on top again.  

The importance of games is to learn to win and lose with equanimity.  A loss such as forgetting a line or missing a shot can bring with it self-flagellation.  The true performer/competitor can take it in stride, which is what friendly competition allows one to develop.

Turning professional doesn't change anything.  It only means that your successes lead to more work and your failures, if significant enough, lead to no work.  

The game of baseball is a wonderful analogy for/of life.   The levels of players range from sandlot to professional.  A player, competing against others of similar capabilities, is successful if his numbers are comparably better than theirs.  An ERA of zero, a batting average of 1000 are unrealistic standards; it is the comparison of your numbers to those of the others.  It is true for all levels; and it is the same in life.

When we set unrealistic ideals, we are setting ourselves up for emotional problems.  If our ideals are too high, we cannot achieve them without the sacrifice of all other activities.  If our ideals are too low, we live with an unrealistic perception of perfection.

The personal ideals we set can best be accommodated by continuously and objectively evaluating their efficacy and adjusting them to realistically represent that of which we are capable.  When approaching an ideal, one can enjoy the accomplishment and then adjust it up a notch.

Awareness

 

A recent realization, Awareness, is the "sujet du jour."  It is as vital as any of the other five senses and works in conjunction with them.

It is manifested in many ways.  One is seeing someone and simply knowing that something is wrong; it is unintentionally going to the place where a lost item is to be found; it is reaching for something in the dark or without looking and finding it; it is turning this way or that and finding it to be right; it is often a major factor in finding pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.  It is being "aware" without even consciously thinking about it

You know about it, maybe you haven't thought about it but it's there.

It's Not Fair!

 

Under the guise of being "the disadvantaged," various segments of the population strive for equality.  That is disingenuous because as soon as equality is legislated they begin to go for superiority and replace whatever cultural norms may be in place with what they feel is "better." So what we are seeing is a power struggle, a sort of "King of the Hill" situation where the extant are under siege by those not.

Cases in point:

A reader of Marilyn Savant's column takes issue with the designation Male/Female for electrical (and plumbing) plugs.

A particularly vocal woman decries moustaches as being unsavory when in fact the only reason she dislikes them is she can't grow one.

A young man shrugs off the advice of an older, more knowledgeable, pool player until the older tells him he didn't make this stuff up, it was told to him by more experienced players.

Dr. Seuss books are banned.

The black/white issue will not even be addressed here but the implications are the same.

There is a structure in place, not necessarily legal, moral, or ethical, that is seen as unfair by some and they make every attempt to dismantle it and replace it with something they feel is more fair.  The fact is that life is not fair and to seek fairness is like jousting with windmills.  Those who ascribe to the existing structure are vilified and shamed into compliance with the "new" ideas simply because they don't agree.

Legislation cannot change attitudes; we think it can but only the personal choice of the holder of that attitude will change it.  Time will pass, attitudes will change under the influence of law but constantly haranguing for them will not.  Any more than body shaming will change the eating habits of an obese person.       

Are You There?

 The following is an exercise used successfully to imagine contacting entities in the spiritual realm.  Is it memory or reminder?  I don't know but it works.

The curtain closes; (sitting comfortably in a chair in a darkened room) the audience is leaving the theater.  Each one talking with another, some happy, some not, all with emotional and physical reactions. (Relaxing, as all the tension and anxiety are assigned to the departing audience)   

When the theater is empty, all of the emotional and physical reactions to the production and to life in general  likewise depart.  And each one, as they leave, takes with them the anxiety and tension, it is gone.  The theater is silent and empty. (The body is fully relaxed; arms, legs, neck, shoulders, back, face, jaw, mouth agape.)

Then the director appears, descends a  staircase, counting down the twelve steps into the dimly lit storage area where the props, costumes, and sets from previous performers are kept.  He opens the door and enters the room, the remnants of those who filled these roles and costumes, who used these props and sets, are evident to him.  He places a chair and closes the door, he sits in the darkness of the room (doing so); no sound, no light, nothing stirring.

He whispers a name.  Lights a candle (Doing so.) Stares into the flame.  With the name in mind, he recalls occasions when he was with this person, what the person was doing.

He is receptive to anything this person may want to pass along to him.  He sits and stares into the flame, the quiet all around, the presence felt, the words, feelings, influences, memories, all seeping into his mind.  

A trickle at first, then more clearly; is there a message to be heard, felt, or perceived?  What would you tell me?  Are there things I should know, should do, of which I should be aware?  Are there ideas that can be shared, passed along, developed into action? How can the person be of assistance to him now?  Would that assistance be given?  Are there others to join us, who, why?

We sit together, enjoying the company, each of the other until the other gets up and turns to go, walks away, fades into the darkness.

Slowly the director gets up from the chair, sees the candle light and extinguishes it, opens the door, .  He goes up the stairs, counting each as he ascends.  One-two-three-four; up to five, six, seven, eight, (opening the eyes) to see the stage surrounding him, (the room) set as it is for the performance coming soon (the next).

The Performance of Life (The Theater Analogy)

 

The lights are out, you are laying in bed, covers up to your chin; all snug for sleep.  The day's performances are over.  The audience has left the building, the lights are dim, the staff and crew are making preparations for cleaning and repairs.  These are the mechanicals, they will work all night.  The object of their work is the facility; the theater, an analogy for the body.

(Later, an addendum) Laying there, in bed, eyes closed, imagining the scene.  The theater (the body) is emptying, the audience is leaving.  Each in the audience carries with him/her an emotional response to the performance, the events of the day, and as the audience leaves the theater, they take with them the emotional responses until they are all gone, the theater is empty (the body fully relaxed) and the meeting is about to start.

The director, the persona in charge, walks down the middle aisle and up onto the stage.  There is a single work lamp in middle of the floor.  He beckons the cast, all the other personae in the being, to the first few rows and asks that they be on their best behavior.

He begins with a review of the day and how it went.  Not an in-depth review but more calling to mind the events of the day, the performances.  At times the cast chuckles at what happened, at other times there is silence because it didn't go as planned; then there's mild laughter as the miscues are recalled, those that were made but didn't disrupt the show.  

Continuing now, he brings out the way the show is supposed to go on in the next and future performances.  Those dozen, or so, facets that need attention in order for the show to be a success; to fulfill the aim of peace of mind through accomplishment.  In expounding on these he goes into some detail for what has to happen tomorrow and the days after tomorrow, into the future.  Each member of the cast hears and has an internal reaction; being professional he/she remains positive and constructive.

Once satisfied that he's covered the agenda, the Director dismisses the cast with the admonition to have some fun, get some rest, and be on top of your game for the next performance.  Then he goes to his special place, his dressing room, and sighs in relief of another day of success and he goes to sleep.

And then we do it all again tomorrow night.