Events that Define Us

How do events become part of our life?  It all has to do with the emotional impact s.t. has on us when it happens.

Unforgettable moments in our lives embed themselves into our consciousness by the strength of their impact; much like a planetary collision.  Depending on the size and or importance of the event, it can cause a fundamental change in our life path just as the collision of planets x and y reformed into the Earth and Moon.  Or if less significant, leave a crater-like scar on our psyche that reminds us of the event.

One of the reasons for rituals in our life, like the sacraments of the RCC, is to create that emotional impact and thus remind us to think twice about making any change that would violate the terms and conditions of that ritual.

A Better Understanding of Life and Living

A long time ago, I read and then discounted the analogy of the deck of playing cards to the work of the 4th Way.  Then this past weekend I saw an episode from Beperiod.com that gave it a more meaningful perspective.  Although the deck of cards still falls short.

The sources of our actions are, in my estimation, six in number.  These six sources are the Intellectual, Emotional, Social, Sexual, Moving and Instinctive.  Gurus and other students of G. and O. may say four but then G. told us to think for ourselves.  So, be forewarned that this one is, as are all of my John Lina posts, for me but you are welcome to it.

There may be other, higher sources but of these I am only vaguely aware and certainly cannot write about them with any experience other than briefly encountering them.

In each of the six sources there are four levels of involvement.  There is the Directed level, where the reasoning takes place; the Reactive level where imagination is factored in; the Active center where the action takes place; and the Evaluative level where judgement occurs.  Any activity, in which the Being is involved, fits into this 6 by 4 matrix of possibilities.

The sources are what cause an action to take place and they are always mixing together to create the specific action of the being.  There is, however, the possibility of one or more of the sources being prominent enough to be identified as the prime mover but an observer must keep the mixing idea in mind. The level, however, of involvement is sometimes easier to identify.

When we are doing s.t., anything, it can be categorized as coming from any of these 24 possible sources.  As this matrix exists in the mind, the mind influences the body to respond by secreting a mixture of body fluids.  Not being an endocrinologist, I can't name them, nor say which does what but that they are secreted and cause the body to act/react is a reasonable conclusion.  It is exemplified by the fight, flight, or hide options of which we often make use.  

I noticed, for example, when I was doing my daily recitation of affirmations that after a few moments I wasn't aware of my words even though I was saying them aloud.  This indicated to me that one of me was not paying attention to what another of me was saying, saying it by rote and, therefore, not thinking about it or feeling it, I was in the moving level of involvement, all the others were asleep for that instant.  I immediately awakened to the task at hand and paid attention to what was being said.  

A second example is in learning lines.  The recitation of the lines in a play is from the Active level but the on-stage depiction of the character is from the Directed and Active levels.

This same thing happens in conversation all the time.  We are listening, at first, then drift off into other parts of our mind and don't listen to what is being said until pulled back into it by the speaker when he/she asks a question of us or does s.t. else to get out attention.  The Active level of the defaults into distraction.  This is the one where most of the "distraction" occurs because the machine learns movements and speeches/lines.

Self-observation is the study of this phenomenon; this activity requires involvement of the Evaluative level because it is where judgement take place.  It is important to note here that when this activity gets out of sequence, gets involved with the activity itself, it causes the being to act/react inappropriately.  For example, when one is involved in driving a golf ball and begins to observe his action during the swing, it almost always results in a bad drive.  The same is true for almost any repetitive Active level activity.

The appropriate time for self-observation is upon completion of the activity regardless of the source from which it emanates.  This can be very close to the completion or some time afterwards but always after.

Observation of the activities of the being is an interesting endeavor.  It leads to a better understanding of what is going on and can even lead to proactive desired action versus reactive.  There is also the possibility of making the being more efficient in producing desired results.

Self-observation is a life-long pursuit much like physical fitness.  When fitness activities are pursued, strength and flexibility are improved only to relapse if not continued.  The same is true of observing the being with an eye toward making it more productive in endeavors and, even more importantly, in supporting the development of Master.  And it must be pursued constantly in order to continue to reap the benefits of it.

As in realizing the benefits of fitness, the benefits of self-direction, which is one of the desired results of self-observation, are realized after they are achieved.  Often they are not preconceived but faith in self-observation results in the achievement of necessary results to further the right objectives of the being.

The answer to the question of what is the right objective for the being could change as one's understanding of the development of the being continues to deepen.  As I see it now, the answer lies in the pursuit of endeavors that allow/require me to apply directed attention.  As with fitness, these activities set the stage for the performance of other, different moves. 

By engaging in the pursuit of a list of endeavors, progress towards the major objective of allowing the development of Master is advanced.  At some future point in time, one could realize that he has arrived at a desired state of being.

Spontaneity is King

As I do every Sunday, it's my day of reflection, I pull up my Performance Evolution workbook and start through the process of advancing my work on various endeavors.  There is one sheet that I have entitled Major Bugaboos.  On this sheet I list the things that get in my way; they are usually psychological.

On/in one of these I discovered that one can waste a lot of psychic energy on endeavors that compete for the attention of the same personae.  One must, I concluded, limit his participation in these, even abandoning those that cause him to be distracted from his major objectives.

This morning I discovered another Bugaboo with which I must deal.  It is complex, in that it is difficult to put into words without getting very personal; but then that's what this blog is all about, me.

It started with reading about the "Observing I" and it became clear to me that this observing one must be dealt with realistically.  One doesn't use "Observing I" to monitor and direct his performance as it is happening.

Life is a spontaneous response to the circumstances that are presented to the individual as he goes about his day; not a performance, not even an audition, to be rehearsed and then performed.  And this is where it gets a little difficult.

In life, I want to be someone who is liked, with whom people want to be, to talk with, to be around. Professionally I am an actor, as such I want to perform a la mode of my character to the delight of the audience; I am a voice, I want to sound good so that I get work; I am an instructor, I want to present my material in a positive way that creates a desire for the trainee to take up the methods.

The belief that I am not very good at any of these is that under which I have been laboring.  The adage that "no one is perfect" couldn't be more appropriate when applied to me.  So there is a gap between desired performance and actual.

This struggle is the purpose of this little essay and it isn't going to take 1000 words to do it.  The answer is the realization that there is a difference between the ideal and the actual and that difference is not to be examined but ignored as it is happening.  Later, it can be examined and studied for improvement.

For daily life, the day to day encounters and interactions are best allowed to take place spontaneously.  For Acting the roles are to be performed as rehearsed.  For Voicing the scripts performed as practiced.  For Training the material presented as planned.

All  the while the ideal is to be studied to be understood; practiced in controlled instances, and allowed to be assimilated into the fabric of one's being.  "Forming good habits and becoming their slave, I am inovlved."  Then over time, the actual performance will improve to approach the ideal.

The study and practice of ideal technique takes place at another time and place, another realm, away from the public eye, i.e. aside, and is allowed to become part of the spontaneous response in a seemingly natural and easy way.

An Awareness of Master

An insight into the development of the being occurred to me recently.  Watching my children mature into independent members of the community, recalling events throughout my lifetime, and those of others with whom I’ve associated for many years have led me to realize what is happening, at least I think so, as we progress through a lifetime.

As a physical person, our body develops from inception through maturity.  Our childhood, from birth to maturity at about age 25 years, is a period of development where we experience situations and deal with them under the guidance of influential adults.  All along the way more and more of our actions are the result of extending our experience and reasoning to deal with situations until all of a sudden we realize that we are operating independently.

As a spiritual entity, our Master may develops in much the same way.  An observing persona emerges slowly and becomes stronger and stronger until it becomes, for lack of a better term, Master of the entity.  The extent of the development of this Master determines whether or not the entity becomes permanent and continues ad infinitum in the spiritual world.  

The work that is done by the being, comprised of the physical “brain-body” and the spiritual “mind” is all aimed at the development of Master.  

Master begins to assert itself at some point in the lifetime of the being.  The fortuitous being realizes this and fosters the development, encouraging it in ways that are often not even understood.

A most important stage of development is when there is an awareness of Master and his observation of the actions of the being.  There are no events that signal this development but an awareness after the fact that it has occurred.  I think this is where I am now.

The arrival at this juncture can’t be pinpointed, neither can the first awareness of Master, which for me occurred thirty or forty years ago.  Much developmental thought occurred, a lot of it written down for the expression of the ideas whether they made sense or not.  They did at the time and one can see the bits of wisdom that were made evident; the insights that occurred even if they are not profound enough for the scholarly.  The insights were are refined over time and continue to occur, much like this one about the maturation of the Master.   

My exposure to philosophy of all kinds leads me to the conclusion that there is a thread of truth that exists and that my thinking, development, insights, and experiences are in accord with that truth.  Acting on the advice of G. I. Gurdjieff, I have not “adopted” the teachings of any organized religion or philosophy but explored in my own mind the wonders of life and living.

It is not my intention to divulge that thinking because it is my conviction that it can be realized by anyone who will devote the necessary time and psychic energy.  There are myths, parables, shrines, and other evidence of the truth and this evidence allows us to realize the truth.

It is my conviction that the beauty of the truth is realized incrementally and what is beautiful as a bud becomes even more beautiful as a flower.  If the picture of the bud is said to be the definitive truth and any other representation of it false, then one can never reach the beauty of the flower.  This to me is the futility of organized religion as I have experienced it.  They have definitions that fall short of reality.

Master develops incrementally.  The fundamental notion here is that Master develops as does the physical person.  He is not fully formed and then realized but reaches his fulfillment during this lifetime.  It is also possible that he transcends lifetimes, i.e. he recurs if he is not fully formed after this lifetime.

Master is mute. If he has come to this brain-body after developing in previous lifetimes he has an inkling of what is necessary for his further development and he patiently waits for it to happen.  The brain-body and the mind experience life and through those experiences Master continues to develop.

It has been my experience that when this brain-body and mind are not acting in accordance with the will of Master there is a struggle for change that can be destructive.  There is an accord that is felt when experiences are what Master wants and needs for his development.

The wants and needs of Master are not necessarily evident to the brain-body and mind.  They can be involved in a whole set of activities that are not necessarily directly related to the development of Master.  There are those that are and when these are accomplished there is this almost imperceptible serenity that occurs.

Then one must be aware that the world is full of beauty and truth.  The ideas and experiences necessary for the development of Master become available and when he perceives one he exerts his influence on the brain-body and mind to take advantage of the opportunity. 

The permanent non-physical world of which the fully matured Master becomes a member may be “life,” the physical representation of which is diverse and of which our physical beings are one.  Joining this spiritual world on Earth and being a part of it may be the aim to which enlightened beings aspire.

There may even be a further extension of this where the member of the spiritual life on Earth continues to develop and eventually becomes a member of a spiritual world that is unconcerned with the physical world of the Universe and lives in a different realm.  I hasten to add that there is no way of knowing this.

This entry is an attempt to understand more fully what is and what may be.  As with all of my thoughts on life and living, it is merely an attempt to understand.  It is not put forth for any other purpose.  I am a humble beggar stumbling along a dark street whose walls enclose palaces of luxurious living.

Write a Playscript

I’m going to write a play.  It will be the third play I've written and it will be the best one yet.  I just finished the second book by Stanislavsky and have a glimmer of understanding of what is necessary for acting in a play.

There are three basic elements in a play that an actor has to incorporate into creating his role and two of these are supplied by the playwright.  One is the Super Objective and the other is the Through Line of Action.

A play created without these in the playwright’s mind leaves it up to the actor to supply them and work with them.  There is, however, a problem with this in that the actors may have a different interpretations.

It is the job of the director to make the final judgements on these two elements and make sure that all of the intermediate activities of the play follow the Through Line of Action and fulfill the Super Objective.  This would be true whether or not the playwright made it clear.

The next big job of the playwright is to write the dialogue of the play.  In order to be accepted for production, this has to be real; it has to be genuine to the Super Objective of the play and allow it to be achieved, no matter in how circuitous a manner.

The Super Objective of Our Town was to illustrate life, living, and dying.  The Through Line of Action was the life and death experiences of two families.  There it is, as simple as that and yet profound.

Then there was a great variety of things that transpired on stage.  They ranged from the important to the mundane but each added to the achievement of the Super Objective of the play.  There was nothing superfluous in the script.

The two plays that I’ve written were done so without a full understanding of these requirements.  Yet when I reflect on one of them, Duplicity, I can see that there is a Super Objective and a Through Line of Action as well as a variety of situations that support them.  It can be rewritten to make them clearer.  Looking back on the play, I can see that it has promise.

This is where one of the major bugaboos of my psyche gets in the way.  I see it but does anyone else?  How do I go about getting someone to take the time to work on it with me?  Whom do I ask?  Will he/she tell me the truth?  Will they be able to suggest changes to make it better?  I dunno.

This is where I am in life.  I don’t seem to have the ability to ask for help and get it.  A friend read it, said it was good but that isn’t for what I was looking.  I need someone who will take the time to read it, understand it, and then work with me to first of all make it worth producing and secondly give me the confidence I need to propose it to a theater company.

There is one production company for which I have been in eight different plays.  This company has a process that they use for the development of a play that they may produce.  There is, associated with this company, a playwright with whom I am acquainted on a professional basis and she said she would be happy to.

Duplicity may be a worthy candidate for rewrite into a murder-mystery and be seen all the way through to the stage.  On the other hand, it may be better to conceive a whole new play and go through the development process with them on that.  Then use the experience of that to develop Duplicity into its own production.

I am more favorably disposed to the latter strategy.  Mainly because Duplicity is a story that needs to be told and in it nobody is murdered or dies.  The theme of it is the current self-centered philosophy of the Millennial generation, “you only live once,” and how that can run amok.  It would be taking the easy way out to rewrite it for a murder-mystery.

There it is, an answer to my first decision.  Write a play for the murder –mystery stage and make it a new and different plot.

There is still the artistic requirement that it have a Super Objective and Through Line Action.  This is self-imposed because from what I’ve seen of these plays it isn’t always in the mind of the playwright when it is written.  

A further requirement is that it have supporting objectives, situations, dialogues and characters that advance the Super Objective and do it along the Through Line of Action with enough complexity that the audience is involved with the characters and sub plots in an interesting love-hate relationship.

There are many possibilities to realize these objectives.  It is now up to me to decide which one to use.  It will be a new and different approach for me but one that may yield surprisingly good results.  

My goal is to write a murder-mystery that gets produced on the local stage in the 2017-18 season.  My main objective now is to decide on the Super Objective and the plot that will achieve it.  This is not going to be a quick process and I may run a few of these plots before my friends to see what they think of them.

Writing the plots will be a good exercise in creativity but I must decide on a Super Objective first, then come up with a plot that will support it.  This may be after trying out many plots, which are possible for achieving a Super Objective.  There are many streets one may take to reach a certain address.

This is the first installment in my quest to write a play.

The Disillusion Point

In perspective there is the vanishing point.  In human endeavor there is the disillusion point.

All of the lines of sight tend to converge on a single point somewhere behind the eye.  The parallel lines of a track, the vertical lines of a building, and the edges of a box tend to converge.  They don’t, of course.  The track never narrows as the train proceeds, the building doesn't taper, and the box has a cubic volume based on its measurements.

In a human endeavor, as effort is spent but enthusiasm wanes because progress is not perceived, enthusiasm diminishes and approaches disillusion.  Once that is reached the endeavor is abandoned and replaced.  The advantages of success in the endeavor don’t diminish but the perceived possibility of gaining that success diminishes to the point that further effort doesn't seem worth it.

There are a long list of my personal endeavors that have been selected and discarded along the way.  Some discarded because they were found to be shallow and not worthy of pursuit; others because they became passé, and still others because the incremental gain of pursuing them was not worth the effort required.

There is also an impressive list of endeavors that have been successfully achieved.  These tend to be projects that had an inception, a period of applied effort, and a point at which they could be considered finished.

Endeavors of a different kind are subject to the phenomenon of the disillusion point.  They are generally in the skills arena, stage and film acting, voice-over performing, writing, digital technology, painting, sketching, dancing, pool, athletics of one kind or another, horseback riding, management training, the French language, fitness, and asset maintenance.

Some people, in whose company I had the pleasure of being, had an enthusiasm for life and what they were doing that pushed the disillusion point back toward the horizon.  Others were less optimistic and discarded endeavors with ease.  

Both of these types of people never reached the top of the heap but the former were happily engaged in the pursuit of excellence even when they realized that they were never going attain more than a modicum of it.  They chose their path and then stuck to it until a destination was reached where they could objectively say that they’d done it.

Those who wouldn't/ couldn't stick it out were generally jaundiced in their outlook on life and living, more negative than positive and especially so when they reached the end of the period of initial enthusiasm for a pursuit.  They changed the emphasis of their life.  In education they changed majors or never graduated from college.  In jobs they changed careers often before reaching success in any one of them.  Content with rationalizing their efforts by saying, “It wasn't for me.”

There seem to be two extreme points on a continuum; complete failure and the pinnacle of success.  Most of us operate somewhere on this continuum and, if we are cognizant of it, know when to say, “I've done this.”

Now I am looking at what I’ve done with my time and my life and wondering if there is something else I should be/could be doing that would lead to a more satisfactory outcome.  There’s still lifetime enough left to do just about anything of which I am physically capable.

My first glance is at the endeavors with which I am currently involved.  There are only two of them that are considered the aggregate of my activities, acting and writing.  

Then two more recreational endeavors, golf and pool.  I would like to mention another activity that brings me much joy, riding horses, but in my heart of hearts I know that I will probably never have unlimited access to a horse.

One can’t help but notice that money doesn't make the list.  Making money was never a goal for me.  This may be one of the reasons I’m writing this piece; money has been in the background all my life.  Whatever I brought home, that’s what we used to live.  I was always able to get whatever we needed including college for the kids.

My parents barely scraped by but thanks to my mom’s cleverness they left a nice sum of money to my sister and me, her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  This was due to the fact that she worked outside the home for about ten years before reaching age 65 and saved every penny of it.  She achieved her goal.

Then when our kids started coming one after the other, it was all we could do to make ends meet.  It wasn't until we went to Houston and a high paying corporate job that things started easing up for us.  Even now we are comfortable but far from wealthy.

There is a question being posed here; should I pursue “making money” as an endeavor?  It’s worth some effort to answer that. 

What do I have that would allow me to be successful at such an endeavor? I have all the personal attributes necessary to be successful at whatever I decide to do.  I have a source of capital that would finance any reasonable venture; I have intelligence and knowledge; I have access to people who could put me on the right track.

What holds me back?  Taking on that endeavor would require dedication to it on a routine basis and perhaps even at the expense of my acting and writing unless it was they that made the money. 

Actively marketing my talents would require me to contact others and convince them that what I am proposing would be profitable to them when I may not be all that convinced of the quality of my talent.  Or find products that are desirable and focus on marketing them.  Although my history has been to doubt even the best of products that I've represented.

This last sentiment lays bare a personal, fatal flaw.  In spite of objective evidence of performance and accomplishment to the contrary; I don’t feel that what I have to offer is of monetary value.  Unless and until this is remedied there will be no personal financial gain associated with my performance.  I am at the disillusion point.

Acting. An Update

The decision to act was made by me in 2009, after thinking it through and discussing it with a trusted advisor.  He was most helpful as he tackled what was, for him, an unusual case.  

He mostly dealt with troubled youth, s.t. I didn't know when I first approached him, and he agreed to take me on as a client because he thought it would be an interesting change for him and he thought he could help me and he did.

All of the reasons that were in favor of acting are still valid today.  There is no long term commitment to a project; it starts with auditions and goes through final curtain or wrap.  There is no lingering responsibility when the project is over.  The project involves people but only during the production.

During the project, all are working for the success of the venture.  There are axes to grind but they are subordinate to the script and the director.  The cast performs on stage and there is little off-stage interaction that is not scripted.  Not that it is prohibited or discouraged, if it happens it does so quite naturally.  There is a community of actors who for the most part are all doing it for the love of the craft.

There is risk involved.  The prospect of auditioning for a part requires one to step out there.  The feelings associated with not getting the part are easily rationalized by repeating the advice, “Don’t take it personally.” 

The disappointment of the first few rehearsals is felt; all are in the same boat vis-à-vis the script so it isn’t so bad.  It’s after the “off-book” date that one is devastated by his inability to remember the lines.  Then the lines are assimilated and, once again, life is good.

The rehearsals put the show on the stage; repeating it in rehearsal over and over again, tweaking the blocking and the delivery until one is comfortable with it and the interaction with the rest of the cast.  The project is joined by technicians who do scenery, sound, and lights.  In some cases, musicians to provide for the necessary.

Then there’s opening night, all is on the line for the first, paying audience, live performance.  Some of what I’ve read says that if you get through opening night without a disaster you are home free.  My experience in my productions/ performances  has been that there have been no disasters, at least any recognizable by the audience.

Another aspect of the craft is the continuing development required by the actor.  In my case it means studying in classes, from books, in workshops, and in discussion with other actors.  It is an endeavor at which one can never be good enough.  There is no perfection but the striving for it allows one to incrementally improve, role after role, forever.

There are downsides as well.  The doubt of ones capabilities is profound.  No matter how objectively one tries to look at a performance, one cannot accept what he did as good enough.  Cast, friends, and even critics try to support the performance but in one’s heart of hearts he knows that it wasn’t the performance that he would prefer to have given.

During rehearsals there are highs and lows as the characters develop.  If one is too critical of himself he will become moody and even depressed.  This is when doubt in one’s ability seems to come to the fore.  Yet winning this struggle with lines and blocking is paramount to moving on; a lesson in life as well as on the stage. 

The most frustrating of all acting activities, for me anyway, is that of learning the lines.  I got into this business rather late in life, so my memory and brain are not as absorbent as they were twenty or more years ago.  There are times during the process that I get frustrated to the point of wanting it to all just go away; saying this is my last one of these.  Then there comes a point when the lines are mine and I can recite them without error. 

The confidence floods back until they are recited for the first time in company, in rehearsal, with full cast and crew standing by.  Then my ego goes back to a blob of jelly until that same ownership is established again in the new environment.  There doesn’t seem to be a similar step-function change when going live before an audience; by then the lines are mine.

Little errors in performance are magnified by one’s imagination to larger than real magnitudes.  Often they are not even noticed by the audience because no one is following a script in his lap, nor are they privy to the blocking scheme of the play; but to the actor, it is quite a different story.  Cast members laugh it off but the sting of the misstep is still felt by the stepper.  For me, there is a little gremlin inside who expects, even demands, perfection.  He never gets it but he causes all kinds of emotional grief when he doesn’t get it. 

Someone asked me which I preferred, stage or film, and I replied stage.  There is a world of difference between the two in how they are performed.  In film, there are at least three takes for every shot and the subtlety of expression, both facial and vocal, are quite different. 

On stage, you are performing so the audience can enjoy what you do while you’re doing it.  They may or may not remember it, it is “in the moment.”  They go away with an impression of it.  In film, your performance is going down for the record and a good director and cinematographer will make sure that what is saved in the final cut is worthy of posterity.

On stage, the audience reacts with a laugh or a sigh.  In film, the audience is a camera recording images without emotional response.  It is intimately close to the performer so vocal projection and movement exaggeration cannot be tolerated.  Often in film, you don’t know what it’s going to look like because the takes are disjointed and then edited together for cohesion.

So, this is where I am now after several years of “treading the boards.”  I wrote this to get my thoughts down and now see that it was, is, and will continue to be a good decision for me to continue acting.  It doesn’t pay in money but it gives me a ride that keeps me stimulated.  It requires fighting dragons, they are inside but just as ferocious as the fire breathing beasts of fantasy.