Acting. An Update

The decision to act was made by me in 2009, after thinking it through and discussing it with a trusted advisor.  He was most helpful as he tackled what was, for him, an unusual case.  

He mostly dealt with troubled youth, s.t. I didn't know when I first approached him, and he agreed to take me on as a client because he thought it would be an interesting change for him and he thought he could help me and he did.

All of the reasons that were in favor of acting are still valid today.  There is no long term commitment to a project; it starts with auditions and goes through final curtain or wrap.  There is no lingering responsibility when the project is over.  The project involves people but only during the production.

During the project, all are working for the success of the venture.  There are axes to grind but they are subordinate to the script and the director.  The cast performs on stage and there is little off-stage interaction that is not scripted.  Not that it is prohibited or discouraged, if it happens it does so quite naturally.  There is a community of actors who for the most part are all doing it for the love of the craft.

There is risk involved.  The prospect of auditioning for a part requires one to step out there.  The feelings associated with not getting the part are easily rationalized by repeating the advice, “Don’t take it personally.” 

The disappointment of the first few rehearsals is felt; all are in the same boat vis-à-vis the script so it isn’t so bad.  It’s after the “off-book” date that one is devastated by his inability to remember the lines.  Then the lines are assimilated and, once again, life is good.

The rehearsals put the show on the stage; repeating it in rehearsal over and over again, tweaking the blocking and the delivery until one is comfortable with it and the interaction with the rest of the cast.  The project is joined by technicians who do scenery, sound, and lights.  In some cases, musicians to provide for the necessary.

Then there’s opening night, all is on the line for the first, paying audience, live performance.  Some of what I’ve read says that if you get through opening night without a disaster you are home free.  My experience in my productions/ performances  has been that there have been no disasters, at least any recognizable by the audience.

Another aspect of the craft is the continuing development required by the actor.  In my case it means studying in classes, from books, in workshops, and in discussion with other actors.  It is an endeavor at which one can never be good enough.  There is no perfection but the striving for it allows one to incrementally improve, role after role, forever.

There are downsides as well.  The doubt of ones capabilities is profound.  No matter how objectively one tries to look at a performance, one cannot accept what he did as good enough.  Cast, friends, and even critics try to support the performance but in one’s heart of hearts he knows that it wasn’t the performance that he would prefer to have given.

During rehearsals there are highs and lows as the characters develop.  If one is too critical of himself he will become moody and even depressed.  This is when doubt in one’s ability seems to come to the fore.  Yet winning this struggle with lines and blocking is paramount to moving on; a lesson in life as well as on the stage. 

The most frustrating of all acting activities, for me anyway, is that of learning the lines.  I got into this business rather late in life, so my memory and brain are not as absorbent as they were twenty or more years ago.  There are times during the process that I get frustrated to the point of wanting it to all just go away; saying this is my last one of these.  Then there comes a point when the lines are mine and I can recite them without error. 

The confidence floods back until they are recited for the first time in company, in rehearsal, with full cast and crew standing by.  Then my ego goes back to a blob of jelly until that same ownership is established again in the new environment.  There doesn’t seem to be a similar step-function change when going live before an audience; by then the lines are mine.

Little errors in performance are magnified by one’s imagination to larger than real magnitudes.  Often they are not even noticed by the audience because no one is following a script in his lap, nor are they privy to the blocking scheme of the play; but to the actor, it is quite a different story.  Cast members laugh it off but the sting of the misstep is still felt by the stepper.  For me, there is a little gremlin inside who expects, even demands, perfection.  He never gets it but he causes all kinds of emotional grief when he doesn’t get it. 

Someone asked me which I preferred, stage or film, and I replied stage.  There is a world of difference between the two in how they are performed.  In film, there are at least three takes for every shot and the subtlety of expression, both facial and vocal, are quite different. 

On stage, you are performing so the audience can enjoy what you do while you’re doing it.  They may or may not remember it, it is “in the moment.”  They go away with an impression of it.  In film, your performance is going down for the record and a good director and cinematographer will make sure that what is saved in the final cut is worthy of posterity.

On stage, the audience reacts with a laugh or a sigh.  In film, the audience is a camera recording images without emotional response.  It is intimately close to the performer so vocal projection and movement exaggeration cannot be tolerated.  Often in film, you don’t know what it’s going to look like because the takes are disjointed and then edited together for cohesion.

So, this is where I am now after several years of “treading the boards.”  I wrote this to get my thoughts down and now see that it was, is, and will continue to be a good decision for me to continue acting.  It doesn’t pay in money but it gives me a ride that keeps me stimulated.  It requires fighting dragons, they are inside but just as ferocious as the fire breathing beasts of fantasy.