Rehearsal

Sitting in the Thrust Theater at UofL,  in the last row of Section A, early for rehearsal and to pass the time now and in the long interim between appearances, I’ll write in this notebook.

The pen I am using is not very good for me.  It is a Uniball Vision—fine point that has to be pushed along the line instead of rolling.  I brought it to approximate a fountain pen and it does that fairly well.  So this is my handwriting with a fountain pen; not very nice.  I’m using a few different techniques in an effort to improve it; it’s not working very well.

We are in the second last rehearsal for Atomic Bombers; it is Monday and the play opens on Wednesday.  Our dress rehearsal yesterday went from 2:30 until 9 at night.  It was the crew’s first experience with it and our first dress rehearsal in costume.  There were missing props and much confusion surrounding light and sound cues but this is to be expected on a complicated show such as this and to some extent on any show.

I spent a quiet day at home, mostly with Carola; she went out a couple of times, once to the store and again to talk to neighboring ladies when she saw them outside enjoying the mild winter we are having.  These are good omens; she is more active and taking more initiative. 

As for me, I wiled away the day, baked a cake, made the icing, prepared the mailing of my latest book (I like the sound of that) to the kids, and I found a guy on Facebook in my search for Cousin Freddie.

 This guy’s name looked like a shortening of my mother’s family name, he lives in California, his pictures look a lot like Cousin Freddie, and his wife’s name is Linda.  It made me wonder if Cousin Freddie is in some sort of witness protection program.  Later I received his phone number from another cousin and he’s in Saint Louis, just like he would ordinarily be.

Others have come into the space so I’ll put this away for now.  A parting thought, there are many moods in evidence here tonight and most are good.

Now In costume and makeup and ahead of time again; so I’ll write some more. One of the cast is in the lavatory, throwing up; the rest of the cast is suiting up.  So now what to say?  I dunno, maybe later.

It is later, the pen has been replaced because it was just too difficult to use.  We are now in that part of the play that the action is carried by everyone else except Szilard and me.  So I have a lot of time until my next cue.

We are quickly evolving into a cast that will receive the play from the director on opening night.  This surprised me when I first encountered it about five years ago; the Director said goodbye to us on Tuesday and we opened Romeo and Juliet on Wednesday.  It has similarly happened in every production since, “Lequel j’ai vu.”

My French is still mushing along.  The experience of listening to two presentations in French Friday last made me aware of just how little I know/ understand.  This doesn’t daunt me, however, I do a little s.t. every day: the CDs, the News, the reader; and although I can’t quite hear it, beyond a few words that are familiar, I am beginning to “know it.” If the opportunity were to present itself to live there a few years, I would be a speaker, listener, reader, and writer of the language. 

Aside: I was pleased that The Artist, a French film, won best actor and best picture at the Academy Awards last night.  This film and The Pursuit of Happyness, also of a French director with Will Smith, show a certain sensitivity that American film directors don't seem to have.

I called our CPA and informed him that I was changing to a different firm to prepare our business and personal tax returns.  It was an important call for me to make since it required me to ”deliver the rose.”  I suppose I’ve become somewhat inured to this over the years but it is not s.t. I like to do.  I tend to put it off until it has to be done, and then do it.  I employ this strategy for many things; more than for which it is good sometimes.  I do my duty, however, when I must.

But there is one thing about which I’ve been procrastinating and that is placing the shoe collection boxes.  It requires me to ask for s.t. for which no recompense is made to the agreeable.  This is a real problem for me.  I don’t have the right frame of mind for it because I have one of the world’s hardest noses when people want from me but at the same time I/we are very generous.  We give freely when the opportunity presents itself but rarely when s.o comes right out and asks.  I suppose it is the reverse of the Golden Rule.

(We are now on page 64 of the script and my cue is page 75)

I am going to do the boxes.  I know that once I start and do one, others will quickly be placed.  I have already placed three but there is no pattern, or system to my effort.  I’ve been responsible for placing about ten.  There are so many great places in our service area where opportunities exist and I’ll do it.  

This would be a great opportunity to do s.t. spontaneous, or at least so for me.  I’d like to make it big enough to require some planning; that seems to heighten the anticipation. There is the Sorority Convention in the third week of  April and The Rolex in the last week, followed by our Derby Party on the first Saturday in May; so it may have to be later in May.

 I’m almost on, later.

Arrangements

Arrangement is a great word; seldom do we give it the significance it is due.  It can be used to connote anything from flowers in a vase to an understanding between two people with a lot of stops along the way.

I seldom thought about the word until just the other day when I felt affected by the place in which I was standing, the Palace Theater in Louisville Kentucky.  It came to me that the arrangement of the place was definitely making me think in various ways such as historically, artistically, and even spiritually.  Recalling other significant architectural arrangements such as standing inside the mountain chapel in Sedona Arizona or in the rotunda of the Kentucky State Capital, walking in downtown Houston among the buildings, driving towards downtown Houston on a clear night, walking in Yew Dell Gardens or Bernheim Forest it becomes obvious that we are affected by the way things are arranged; affected on a subliminal level.

We are also affected on a physical level.  Approach a house and there is an entrance, a front door that is usually more inviting than other entrances.  Some would walk towards an ornate front door and opt to find a side or rear entry that is less intimidating.  Walk into a room and the arrangement of the furniture is either inviting, repellant, or neither, sort of blah.  The way the building or even garden is arranged has a decided effect on how we interact with it.

It is a pseudo science, or perhaps an art, to make arrangements be they architectural, arboreal, floral, or even interpersonal.  We are almost always affected by them and we may not even realize it.  We are conditioned, and I use the word advisedly, from little on to pay attention to arrangements and are so adept at figuring them out that we don’t consciously do it.

If a feral animal comes into a human dwelling, pandemonium ensues.  The animal is in no way conditioned to abide by the arrangements that are extant.  A domestic animal who “lives” in the house will, on the other hand, move about without disturbing any of the arrangements.  I think it would be the same if a feral human, should such a being exist, came into a buffet dinner; the result would be comical if one wasn’t responsible for cleaning up the mess afterwards.

Houses, buildings and monuments are drawn, rendered, modeled, and subjected to painstaking examination of details.  One must reach a comfort level with the project before it commences.  Informed urban planners pass judgement on an addition to the skyline before it is built.  As an aside, a major project in Louisville almost went forward that would have completely destroyed the arrangement of the central business district.  Thankfully it was scrapped before ground was even broken for it.

Chairs, tables, desks, sofas, lamps, and all items that are used by people have to be designed according to rules that have become known collectively as ergonomics.  They all depend heavily on measurements of the human form and have allowed us to be comfortable with resulting furniture and fixtures.

Yet when we are dealing with flowers and trees we depend heavily on someone with a good reputation and track record.  We wouldn’t hire an arborist without a good one because we don’t have the luxury of doing the arboretum over and over until it suits us.  We want it to be done in excellent fashion the first time.  Flower arrangements are likewise artistic but are easier to accept, reject, redo than is an entire garden.

Each person makes his own arrangement of his personal space.  It could be a shopping cart for a homeless person, a cubicle for a corporate droid, an office for an executive, a home office, a shop, or even the cabin of a boat.  The basic outline is usually given but how the user decides to make it look is completely his own.  Another coming into it excuses it if it isn’t up to his/her taste but does get a flavor for the mentality of the occupant by observing his/her space.

Arrangements are never permanent.  The Acropolis in Greece, the Forum in Rome, the Sunday morning implosion are all evidence that they are not; as is divorce, bankruptcy, and death.  Arrangements have a life cycle that varies based on external factors.  People who have an arrangement/understanding can be persuaded to abandon it; houses that satisfied one generation may not the next; urban and even suburban areas that were useful in 1900’s may not be in the 2000’s.  There are those that would hold on to the past, this is fine until a sort of constipation sets in and the organism/society is hampered by too much being held and not cleaning itself out from time to time.  The test of utility is the market place and the museum.  If it won’t sell and if it isn’t attractive; it may be time to move on.

While arrangements are never permanent, the principles that apply to them seem to be.  The principles of design are immutable; the rules of interpersonal relationships are the same now as they have been forever, since before the ancient texts were written; that which was judged as artistic in ancient Egypt, roughly 5000 years ago, remains artistic today.  We use principles to design everything we have, both materially and interpersonally.

Those that study them, the architects, engineers, physicians, psychologists, attorneys, and a host of other disciplines, make new arrangements for the betterment of the human race and allow us to appreciate what has been arranged should we decide to dwell upon it.

If we were to walk into a completely uninhabited landscape, we would immediately begin to arrange it differently to suit our purpose.  In fact that is what we have been doing on the Earth as we have evolved and continue that evolution as beings with the brand of intelligence that we have.  We make new arrangements but the physical and psychic laws that govern them aren’t new.

Would You Be Willing To...

Everybody is busy doing something, and it isn't just my imagination.  People working for a living have the vast majority of their time allocated to their profession.  Time away from their professional pursuits is precious to them and they jealously guard against intrusion.  Those that aren’t are equally jealous of their time if they are engaged in any sort of endeavor.

There are plenty of people out there whose time is not structured and the commitment level they have is self imposed or they have nothing to do all day.  They may sleep late, watch TV, and piddle with little chores and errands all day long until it is time to go out for a game or meeting of some kind or another.  I’d venture to guess that a lot of people who aren’t working are like this, and either they do or don’t want to be imposed upon; to be asked for a commitment of any kind.  They can be so set in the pattern of spending their time that they don’t want to break it for any reason especially to commit to do s.t. that will require psychic and physical energy.  I can even see that tendency developing in me. 

I make up a plan for the week on Sunday that is based on my dreams and desires for the present and I don’t necessarily want someone calling me to get me involved in s.t. that is not on that list.  The problem is I don’t necessarily stay on track to finish that list of things and this leads to all sorts of angst but that is the subject of another essay.

The way to get me involved in anything is to (1) make it something profitable for me in terms of money or experience and (2) to allow me enough time, more than a few days, to put it on my schedule so that I can work it in.  The first part of the equation, making it profitable, requires that the other knows what I want, in what I’m interested, what piques my interest.  If someone I knew called and said they needed me to work for a short stint at the track or around the horses, for example, I’d probably say ok but if it was to work at the raceway around the cars I’d probably say no.

This brings me to proposition number 1: when asking someone to participate in an activity it would make sense to find out if the activity is s.t. that they would find profitable.  How to do this?  Well, asking them would be the common sense answer and put the onus on them to say that it doesn't fit their portfolio of activities.  Another may be to use the innerview process that is in the class for leadership training.

For example, a female member of our club told me that she demurs from projects that require physical labor, such as house construction or repair, because it just isn’t s.t. with which she feels comfortable and when she has participated in the past she found herself standing around not able to do s.t. to help.  There is a downside to s.o. saying yes to a query and not really wanting to do that sort of thing.  When left on their own to bring it about, it falls flat because in their heart they aren't suited  for it.

Then too it has to be perceived to be a task and not a commitment to large blocks of time and energy.  That could come later, after the person is convinced that this is s.t. for which he/she wants to take responsibility.

Then there’s the question of schedule.  How much advance notice is enough?  It is a matter of judgment and one may never get it right.  I started notifying the club in July of the October 28 Halloween party and the president of the club, bless his heart, went ahead and scheduled something else in the interim for that night without giving it a second thought.  

I think there is a sliding scale of notice for requested service dates.    If it is s.t. that would take place at a meeting, the notice could be made during the week of that meeting; or if it is s.t. that would occur after the meeting and require less than an hour and a half extra time, then calling to schedule it for a meeting two weeks out should do it.

It if is to occur on an evening, say after dinner, then scheduling for three weeks to a month out would probably get it on the calendar. 

 If it involves the person to schedule s.t. for a weekend, or with his/her spouse, then at least three weeks would be optimal, with six weeks being preferred.  This amount of time usually gets on the planning horizon of most people and if what they have is already there, six weeks out, it is a significant event that they won’t be able to change.

This schedule of notice seems logical to me and should work in most cases.  It has to be remembered that we may be dealing with volunteers who have rather full lives, either professionally or personally, and there is a limit to the amount of inconvenience they will abide.  If it is something for which we are paying, then the other should be more amenable and flexible in their schedule.
 

Simply putting out a call for volunteers seems to work well for the routine projects/events with which people are familiar.  The more formal approach for help is required when they aren’t familiar with what’s going to happen and they don’t want to get wrung into s.t. that is going to be an excess burden to them.

While these considerations are germane to volunteer efforts in, say a club, they are likewise to almost any pursuit that needs extra effort, efforts above and beyond what the individual can be paid to provide.  The value and payback question has to be answered in the heart of the one being asked.  If it is consistent with the desired results that the individual is seeking, the response will be positive; if they say no, it is better than a false “yes.”

Our Daily Bread, The 100th Posting

 This is the 100^th post and I want it to be s.t. that can be useful.  The most significant thing I can express to anyone who might even be thinking about asking is to build on what works for you.  


I had the good fortune to sit in the audience in Houston Texas, in 1987 or so, among about 1000 others and listen to Og Mandino tell his story.  I went because his Greatest Salesman in the World book was an inspiration to me; a book that brought tears of sympathetic joy to my eyes when I read it but then I am such a sentimental schmuck that some would say that’s easy.

To the best of my knowledge Og Mandino and I had only one thing in common, we were both members of the human race; we could have been sympathetic beings, we could both have been searching for permanence, we could have been a lot of things but the only fact is that we were both human beings.  He died in 1996. 

Several years ago, and I think it must have been at least ten; I revisited his book and saw the wisdom of it.  A series of statements, self-talk, reminders, desired attributes, things for which to strive, or whatever you would call them repeated daily until they are as much a part of you as the "Our Father” or other prayers we learned and never forgot.  After listing his, I reformatted them to more be more suitable to my needs, listed about 10 of them, and decided to commit them to memory.

That began what I now call my dailies.  There are thirty-seven of them, all committed to memory and recited aloud every day of my life.  When the occasion is such that I can’t say them aloud, I find ways to get them said internally so as not to miss a day. They remind me of the thought processes and behaviors that are part of my daily activities, attitudes, expressions, interactions with others, aspirations, dreams, and desired states.

They derived from a simple list and are said in a certain order because some grew out of another but expressed a nuance that was missing.  I suppose I could list them all for you, that could be viewed as vain but let’s go beyond vain and try to see the wisdom of what is being said here.  


Religions use this method to reinforce beliefs; RC priests read, at least they used to, from a breviary every day, a book of prayers that keeps them in mind of what they are about and the Islamists likewise pray five times a day to keep reminded of their faith.  If it’s good enough for the two biggest religions in the world, it’s good enough for me.

The list from Mandino is short, a book would not have supported many more, but our lives and aspirations go beyond the basics that he put forth.  In my heart of hearts I believe he was showing us the way, giving us a starting point, letting us decide for ourselves what is important enough in our lives to distill into a daily statement of desire.  So I will share mine with you and hope that they too will inspire you to put together your own list of “Dailies” that will keep you on courses relative to behavior, sentiments, moods, and desired results.

The typical daily is a two part statement: the assertion and the result.  The assertion is typically an action, thought, or mood and the result is the state of being that is engendered by the assertion.  Exceptions prove the rule, so yes there are a few that don’t fit this pattern but the result is the same.  In listing them I have put them in groups that are somehow related but haven’t made the analysis of that relationship.

So here they are:

Greeting this day with love in my heart, I am nicer

Forming good habits and becoming their slave, I am involved

Setting goals, I am proud

Working on Aim, I am productive

Imagining this day as I wish it to unfold, I exercise imagination

Enjoying the moment, I pay attention to what I am doing now

Doing it now, I am determined

Using my time wisely, I am aware

Staying on task, I am disciplined

Doing it now, I am determined

Recognizing distractions, I am cognizant

Avoiding mistakes, I am alert

Making mistakes, I recover

Asking others to do with me, I associate

Forgiving and forgetting, I relate more easily

Maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain enthused and constructive

Unaware of the other's situation, I remain neutral in my opinions

Internalizing the human relations principles, I am more likable

Utilizing my assets, personal and physical, I can get what I want
To get what I want, I ask

Proud of my accomplishments and aware of my capabilities, I am confident

Pleased with the way I am wending, I am happier

Initiating and participating in conversation, I am worthy

Confronting others appropriately, I am strong

Expressing my feelings forthrightly, I am assertive

Controlling myself during conversation, I achieve my purpose

Understanding fatigue to be the father of much negativity, I am rested

Aware that emotional response is irrational, I am more objective

Comparing myself, I see that I am energetically doing the best I can under the circumstances

Aware of my power on stage and platform, I dream extravagantly, audition routinely, learn my lines completely, rehearse rigorously, and perform spontaneously

In a conspicuous or competitive situation, I keep my mind on my objective and stay aware of my surroundings

When competing, I do it win

Oblivious to my image, I have more fun

Laughing at the world, I am fearless—the world is my playground

Getting out more,  I make myself available

Persisting until I succeed, I persevere stubbornly

Being the womb of essence, I am humble

Making the difference with a kind word, a good question, a helping hand, goals according to dream, plans and strategies to meet the goals, every move made intentionally, I deliver.


Now make your own.

The Party Analogy

When you go to the party:
You'll want to be appropriately dressed,
Know what you want to do while there,
Know how to relate to others there,
And know how to dance.
____________________________
As you participate in daily life:

Set your mental environment (your mood and level of self- esteem) so you can relate to situations in a way that allows good results. Auto-suggestion: A script repeated/heard daily that reinforces core beliefs and specifies your mien, e.g., happy, positive, sensitive, and enthused.

Get desired end results. Plans: Any method that defines what is desired, the current situation, goals, steps to be taken, schedule, resources required, an implementation plan, identifies others involved, and a way to follow-up.

Relate to others in a friendly and enthusiastic way. Human Relations: Know and practice behaviors that help you relate to others in a friendly and constructive manner.

Perform the motions of life well. Train your body to achieve proper movement for all aspects of motion required for daily activities including walking around, moving about, work, games, dance, and art. As with horses, the rider (intellectual center) specifies and then is quiet as the horse (moving center) does it.

The Team

There are two ideas on my mind, one relates to team and the other to integrating into a new community, or at least the way I do/did it. I’m not sure which to pursue so I’ll do both but one at a time. But wait just a moment, the two are related so I’ll do both together.

The French word for team is équipe. Because it is a language that we are not using every day, the word has a more profound meaning than what we think of as a team. Yet our word team, when stripped of connotations, means exactly the same thing. It is a group of people with disparate skills that work together to achieve a purpose (this is the fourth definition in the Merriam Webster dictionary after three that refer to animals.)

I worked in the shipyard for twenty-two years and like to think that I achieved a certain level of success and I did by any objective measure. Yet it only dawned on me recently that I was one member of a team of more than 20,000 people who were engaged in the building of ships. This concept didn’t dawn on me when I was working there, although I did feel that way even if I didn’t realize it.

When I went to Tenneco in Houston, Case in Racine, Case at LePlessis, or even in my own business, the realization was not there nor the feeling. I just didn’t see myself that way after NNS. Things may have worked out completely differently if I had but that is conjecture.

I seem to have always felt a need to belong to something bigger than myself, to identify with it and feel like I belonged in/to it. This is a need that has been with me since I can remember; Holy Cross, Scouting, my high school, college, the fraternity, and in a very a big way NNS & DD Co. It has also been fed by delving into the communities where we have lived because the more I knew about the place and/or the organization and the more I participated in local activities, the more of an understanding I developed and the more at home I felt.

This delving in to the community was, now that I think about it, something that was taught to me by my father, much like the parents of a baby robin teach it to find worms by showing them how; he would take me with him to various places in Saint Louis and see the history of the place. We went through neighborhoods where he would recount the way it was, to museums to see the artifacts of the past, to the “backsides” of many buildings, restaurants, theaters, and businesses, even the streets on which we rode had stories of how they got thataway.

When I went to Newport News, I took with me this idea of delving into the past and did the same thing there that he’d shown me in Saint Louis. Because NN was smaller by far than St. Louis, I expanded my view to include the entire peninsula, from Williamsburg and Jamestown, to Yorktown, Poquoson, Phoebus, Old Point Comfort, and Hampton. I spent quite a bit of time crawling the area finding gems of history, especially the old houses. Wherever I am, old houses and neighborhoods hold a fascination for me.

Then when I went to Houston, perhaps because it is so much larger, I made a science out of it. I found photography studios and went to see historical photos then went to the present locations to see how they now looked. I read history and tracked down the locations of events, I talked to people to hear how the area developed. I made plans weekly to see something new and unique to the city. In four years I knew as much as anyone who’d lived there much longer but certainly not the details necessary to put it into perspective.

I repeated some of this in Racine but quickly soured on it; it just didn’t hold my interest very long. Then when we went to England and France and Europe in general, my interest was piqued. I was lucky enough to find “A Literary Guide to Paris” and tracked down many locations that were referenced by the authors who lived there, for example Victor Hugo’s elephant in Les Miserables, and the burial location in the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I have likewise done this in Louisville. The UofL Archives are a rich storehouse of photos and I’ve driven the wheels off the car traipsing around the old City of Louisville to see neighborhoods, cinemas, parks, thoroughfares, and buildings. Like most other places I’ve been, the old houses and neighborhoods are particularly fun to see.

One reason I am drawn to acting is being a player on a team. The thing about acting that attracts me is to be in a cast, work cooperatively during rehearsals with almost no politics, developing friendships that are mutually satisfying and beneficial but not relationships that get in the way. The cast is together; we all have a script and a part to play, rehearse, perform, and then go on about our lives. The team is formed for the production and then goes away and yet there is a feeling of belonging to a larger community of performing artists who are of one mind, and on some level part of “the Theater.”

There is a history of the theater much like that of an area, an allure that includes famous actors and actresses. Yet even when associated with it in as small a way as I am, my perception of them has changed. Instead of seeing them as somehow apart from the rest of us, I see them for what they are, people engaged in a profession much the same as any other. Some are more involved in marketing efforts, taking advantage of the public persona they have. Others are quietly working at their craft to become as good at it as they can. The Leonardo Da Vinci movie at the Frazier yesterday is a good example. None of the actors was a recognized name but each was remarkably cast and performed the character with remarkable sensitivity. I am pleased to belong to it.

A Window In My Head

There is a cartoon, depicting two buzzards sitting in a tree in the desert. One is saying to the other, “Let’s just go kill something.” That is the mood I am getting into, not murderous but rather a mood to go out and precipitate some action.

This blog entry is going to be stream of consciousness; you will be hearing in your mind's ear as you read it the various and sundry thoughts that are running through my head as I write. They will be as they come up; some will be expanded, others may be simple statements, none will be edited. So here goes.
The morning is almost gone and I have done scant little of a productive nature. I’m seeing the difference between being productive and being busy, or wasting time.

The French lessons by Michael Thomas are effective, I’ll keep doing them. And the golf tips from David Leadbetter are worth their weight in strokes. Too bad the weather isn’t cooperating. I could go to the pool hall and see what, if anything is happening there. Talk about wasting time.

I’ll listen to France2 in a little while; I don’t know why I do that because I understand so little of what is said. On the other hand I get a word or two more each time I listen to it. This, the audio programs, and TV are all so passive in their nature that I don’t like them; yet I like the results they are getting for me. It’s like overhead, necessary but not productive.

There isn’t much of a future involved with this current set of activities. I didn’t go to the French Meetup last night because I wanted to stay home; yet staying home, alone, is probably the least productive thing I could have done. But OTOH, Johnny called and we had a nice chat. So that wasn’t so bad after all.
Sure would like to get a horse.

There are a dozen things I could be doing but none of them grabs me. I’m not going to make a list of them because I’ll wind up doing them. OTOH I should make a list and do them and then they wouldn’t be hanging around like derelict bums waiting for a handout.

I was bummed out because a Rotarian didn’t get back to me; then he did and when I looked at the calendar it was within a day of my message to him. I just don’t have enough on my plate. But if it ain’t acting, riding, pool, or golf, then I’m not in the mood. But there are a lot of other things on my Endeavors list and I could do any of them, it’s just that the big four are what I really want to do.

I need to memorize the Brother Orchid monolog. That’s a good one for a serious minute and my Guinness Book of Records is fine for the comedy minute.

If I had a horse I’d have to go take care of it; that has been a long standing strategy of mine, get an animal that requires care to stay active.

I suppose if I knew what to do I could stay busy on any and all of my endeavors but a horse would give back; in their own way they do. All of my endeavors, at least all but a few of them don’t require me to do with others.

My dailies are likewise focused on my own behavior and desired actions /reactions with others. So my prescriptions are more self oriented than out there doing with others. And when they are, I’m reluctant to do so.

Any sphere of association takes time to develop, or at least I think it does. When a new group is approached there is a required inuring that has to take place because the first reaction of a group, most of the time, is adverse to the newcomer or at least wary.

My sister called this morning to wish us a happy anniversary; that was nice. It’s the first time she’s called me since mom died two years ago this month. Not that that means anything, she probably has other stuff on her mind. I seem to think that everything is about me; when people don’t call it’s because they don’t like me, don’t want to be around me. That’s how I feel generally. This is stupid thinking on my part but just because it’s stupid doesn’t mean I don’t do it.

I think about going to Midland Trail club house and seeing what’s going on. Well, I’ll find a bunch of guys there who all seem to know each other and who will put up a wall to prevent me from participating; or maybe it is I who puts up the wall. How do I know, it’s happened. So I immediately think it’s something that I look like, or act like, or whatever that is inscribed on my forehead.

I put a message out there for my riding buddy and she hasn’t returned it for more than a week. My conclusion is negative about me. Yet the truth is that it isn’t about me, nobody really cares about me. Now that’s a negative attitude too. It is true, however, that no one calls me; since I don’t call anyone either—you see where that puts me, right here in isolation.

Now that I think about it, this whole entry is about me but then that’s how I get off the dime and start doing again. I sit and complain to me, then do something. Most of the time I do because I feel like I have to; this isn’t always true but mostly. There are some things I do because I like to, they usually relate to my endeavors, even those beyond the big four.

Generally I’m in a foul mood. Have been for several days and I think it must be because I am not doing with others. I pursue my list of things to do but they are somewhat insignificant. Participating with others to achieve a worthy goal; that’s what I’m missing. I need a part in a play.