A Window In My Head

There is a cartoon, depicting two buzzards sitting in a tree in the desert. One is saying to the other, “Let’s just go kill something.” That is the mood I am getting into, not murderous but rather a mood to go out and precipitate some action.

This blog entry is going to be stream of consciousness; you will be hearing in your mind's ear as you read it the various and sundry thoughts that are running through my head as I write. They will be as they come up; some will be expanded, others may be simple statements, none will be edited. So here goes.
The morning is almost gone and I have done scant little of a productive nature. I’m seeing the difference between being productive and being busy, or wasting time.

The French lessons by Michael Thomas are effective, I’ll keep doing them. And the golf tips from David Leadbetter are worth their weight in strokes. Too bad the weather isn’t cooperating. I could go to the pool hall and see what, if anything is happening there. Talk about wasting time.

I’ll listen to France2 in a little while; I don’t know why I do that because I understand so little of what is said. On the other hand I get a word or two more each time I listen to it. This, the audio programs, and TV are all so passive in their nature that I don’t like them; yet I like the results they are getting for me. It’s like overhead, necessary but not productive.

There isn’t much of a future involved with this current set of activities. I didn’t go to the French Meetup last night because I wanted to stay home; yet staying home, alone, is probably the least productive thing I could have done. But OTOH, Johnny called and we had a nice chat. So that wasn’t so bad after all.
Sure would like to get a horse.

There are a dozen things I could be doing but none of them grabs me. I’m not going to make a list of them because I’ll wind up doing them. OTOH I should make a list and do them and then they wouldn’t be hanging around like derelict bums waiting for a handout.

I was bummed out because a Rotarian didn’t get back to me; then he did and when I looked at the calendar it was within a day of my message to him. I just don’t have enough on my plate. But if it ain’t acting, riding, pool, or golf, then I’m not in the mood. But there are a lot of other things on my Endeavors list and I could do any of them, it’s just that the big four are what I really want to do.

I need to memorize the Brother Orchid monolog. That’s a good one for a serious minute and my Guinness Book of Records is fine for the comedy minute.

If I had a horse I’d have to go take care of it; that has been a long standing strategy of mine, get an animal that requires care to stay active.

I suppose if I knew what to do I could stay busy on any and all of my endeavors but a horse would give back; in their own way they do. All of my endeavors, at least all but a few of them don’t require me to do with others.

My dailies are likewise focused on my own behavior and desired actions /reactions with others. So my prescriptions are more self oriented than out there doing with others. And when they are, I’m reluctant to do so.

Any sphere of association takes time to develop, or at least I think it does. When a new group is approached there is a required inuring that has to take place because the first reaction of a group, most of the time, is adverse to the newcomer or at least wary.

My sister called this morning to wish us a happy anniversary; that was nice. It’s the first time she’s called me since mom died two years ago this month. Not that that means anything, she probably has other stuff on her mind. I seem to think that everything is about me; when people don’t call it’s because they don’t like me, don’t want to be around me. That’s how I feel generally. This is stupid thinking on my part but just because it’s stupid doesn’t mean I don’t do it.

I think about going to Midland Trail club house and seeing what’s going on. Well, I’ll find a bunch of guys there who all seem to know each other and who will put up a wall to prevent me from participating; or maybe it is I who puts up the wall. How do I know, it’s happened. So I immediately think it’s something that I look like, or act like, or whatever that is inscribed on my forehead.

I put a message out there for my riding buddy and she hasn’t returned it for more than a week. My conclusion is negative about me. Yet the truth is that it isn’t about me, nobody really cares about me. Now that’s a negative attitude too. It is true, however, that no one calls me; since I don’t call anyone either—you see where that puts me, right here in isolation.

Now that I think about it, this whole entry is about me but then that’s how I get off the dime and start doing again. I sit and complain to me, then do something. Most of the time I do because I feel like I have to; this isn’t always true but mostly. There are some things I do because I like to, they usually relate to my endeavors, even those beyond the big four.

Generally I’m in a foul mood. Have been for several days and I think it must be because I am not doing with others. I pursue my list of things to do but they are somewhat insignificant. Participating with others to achieve a worthy goal; that’s what I’m missing. I need a part in a play.