With Whom?

An interesting observation: if I only do what is on my list and calendar, I have much unoccupied time. It is deep in the soul to be occupied, somehow. It is unsettling to sit idle and in order to avoid this feeling, one will find ways to occupy one’s time. I’m not going to list them all but they include work, hobbies of all sorts, reading, writing (such as I am doing right now), television, movies, looking out the window at traffic or just looking out the window. One of the secrets of success is to fill unoccupied time with activities that achieve s.t., things that are consistent with aim.

There is a quote in “New York, the Novel” that the author attributes to Gertrude Stein: “Give me three hours of uninterrupted time every day and I can accomplish more than the vast majority of people.” This rings true but only if one has identified what it is he/she wants to accomplish. This is the rub that I run into, and I am sure that I’m not alone. What is it that I want to accomplish right now? Aside: anyone privy to my notebooks and who’s read my blog to date knows that this question has been plaguing me for a long time. Not having clear focus on a desired end result leads to being distracted into an activity that is not focused on aim and, therefore, a waste of time.

But there is another dimension or aspect that has to be considered and that is desire. It is one thing to have a long list of things that one would accomplish if he wanted to but there is a feeling that the time right now is not right for any one of them. There may be something going on in here that keeps a persona out of the foreground and, therefore, unable to do.

There is the possibility that inertia is in play, or even momentum. These two phenomena are psychological as well as physical, as in when one gets involved in an activity and continues to pursue it well after it is appropriate to quit or when one procrastinates and doesn’t start. These are always possible diversions from working on aim. Inertia may be another word for laziness and could be caused by fatigue; but sometimes one naps and still doesn’t take the bull by the horns afterwards.

Diversion into television programs, news, weather, sports, internet searches, and puzzles for inordinate amounts of time waste lifetime. This is time lost that can never be recuperated and yet there are industries that have built up around giving people the opportunity for diversion. The key is, of course, to use diversion as a sort of recreation and not an end in itself but the purveyors of diversion will allow you to divert as much as you want. The more you divert the better their return on investment. As with the more serious addictive diversions, realization that the possibility exists for getting too deeply involved should be enough to break the pattern and replace diversion with working on aim.

My aims are along the lines of the eighteen endeavors that I have decided to follow and even these are ranked according to importance or desirability or degree of participation desired. Participation in the endeavors allows me to always have options of things to do that are in accordance with dreams, strategies, goals, and acts. The planning method I described earlier allows this homogeneity to exist and allows me to get back to work whenever I get side-tracked into areas that are not according to aim.

The selection and then association with others of like mind is an area of work that I continue to pursue. There are others, with whom I associate ad hoc, and this is good. I am wondering if there should be a place(s) where I could go to just associate in general with others. There are social networking sites that allow this but it is contrived and artificial. They tend to allow one to think he is associating when he is not. It is a virtual situation that doesn’t fulfill my needs. Others have places where they “hang out” and socialize with whoever enters. It takes time to develop such and even then it is only temporary as others drop in and out of circle.

This association thing is much bigger than occasional social contact. In a larger sense it encompasses neighborhoods, congregations, societies, even cities. When the ambience of the association is no longer desirable, people tend to disassociate and move on and attempt to find other associations that provide for their needs. On a grand scale this happens in cities and the one that comes to mind is the city of St. Louis where the population grew to more than 850 thousand people at its peak to less than 250 thousand now. It did this because the city became less than desirable to the citizens. Some, like me, moved away because there was no feeling of identity with the place, others moved to get more desirable housing, others for fear of their safety, others for fear of ever lower real estate values, others to get a feeling that they had it better in a new house and new neighborhood, others as a reaction to the general degradation of the infrastructure, and still others for reasons that are not listed here. The result is a void of more than 500 thousand people who used to live and interact socially within the city limits. The same is true of other cities, including Louisville, but astute politicians, in the true sense of the word, have moved boundaries around and taken steps to address some of the issues that cause people to relocate.

My conundrum remains, where are my non-specific social outlets, to where I can go, fit in, stay as long as I want, leave and return later without recrimination? Where there is always some familiar person, not always the same, with whom I can associate.

Who Dat?

The prospect of life after death has been invading my consciousness for the past few days. It is intriguing to say the least. When one considers that we are part and parcel with our bodies, our brains being part of the package, it is a stretch to envision existing after the body dies. And in order to give credit to the power of the brain, it will be “brain-body” in this entry.

The brain-body has capabilities that allow it to function on many levels simultaneously. For example, I ate a meal a little while ago and all the while I am doing whatever else since, my body is digesting that food and putting it to use wherever it is needed or storing it for later use, or not. More complex activities are going on as well, there is a scab knitting the skin back together over a scrape that occurred two weeks ago. It keeps getting smaller and the skin is closing over the injury, one molecule at a time. Answers to puzzles become apparent when the puzzle is re-addressed after being put down for a while. We go to a place for one reason only to encounter someone about whom we have been thinking. The list could go on infinitely.

Yet there is an entity that exists that uses the brain-body to fulfill his purpose. It may be a collection of entities but let’s not complicate this any more than it already is. This entity, for lack of a better name, can be called Master. If he exists, he could be from previous lifetimes because by our definition he exists above nature, in other words he is supernatural. (And I say he because I am a male, someone else could say she or it or whatever. I doubt if Master has a gender.)

If the purpose of Master is to eventually exist as an individual in a spiritual world, i.e. without a brain-body, then that process may take many lifetimes. During any lifetime, since the brain-body is mostly reacting to its environment, he may only have limited opportunities to pursue his purpose so he keeps coming back in new and different brain-bodies. The newly inhabited brain-body has no memory of previous lifetimes because memory is a brain-body function as is every other mental and physical process. Master, existing supernaturally, may have memory but the brain-body isn’t privy to it.

The horse and rider analogy works here. Just as a horse has memory for what he has been schooled to do and a rider knows how to put the horse through his paces to achieve an end, so too brain-body is trained to deal with his environment but Master has his own agenda and uses brain-body accordingly.

So what I decide to do today is a function of brain-body; Master allows it if it is even remotely consistent with his aim. It is like an employee who has a lot of general skills and is made a member of the organization. He is allowed to do whatever he wants within a certain set of parameters of which he may or may not be aware. As long as his actions promote the general welfare of the organization he is given scope and when they run afoul of same, he is reined in by a superior.

If and when the employee gets so far off track that he can’t be brought back, he is fired in the analogy. In the real world, when Master can no longer pursue his aim in this brain-body, he causes it to die and if he goes on with his development, at some point he inhabits a new brain-body. This habitation could take place at any time in the life of a brain-body, currently it is my opinion that it takes place at first inspiration, when the brain-body begins to function completely on its own.

The brain-body has no direct communication with Master; he is mute. Everything of which we are aware is a function of the brain-body; Master is here but not in any apparent way other than imagination. This function of the brain-body, imagination, is the bridge between the brain-body and Master; between the natural and the supernatural. The relationship is not reasonable, nor physical, nor emotional; the only clue we have to its existence is that we can imagine that it does. This could be the genesis of Faith.

The purpose of Master is mysterious; only he knows what actions taken by the brain-body will move him towards his aim. He is patient, he has eternity to achieve his aim and as long as the combination of the brain-body currently inhabited and he are making any inkling of progress, he patiently allows whatever else to go on.

There are features of the brain-body that enable it to achieve its own aims and perhaps concurrently the aim of Master. Those that come to mind now are memory, imagination, reasoning (both intuitive and logical), and decision making. Memory is the store of raw data, imagination draws upon that data and forms some possible conclusions, reasoning tests those for possible action, and decision making enable action. Experience shows us that the process is not perfect.

It must, however, be stressed that these are features of the brain-body. The memory is fed by experiences that come through the senses including observations made of circumstances and the results of actions taken from decisions made.

The features of Master are unknown; the aim of Master is unknown. A guess was made above but only a guess. There is no way that the brain-body can know the aim of Master. Glimpses can be made via imagination but there is no way of verifying them, only objective, long term observation of past actions and results there from. Even this is fraught with possible misinterpretation. The only one who knows the aim of Master is Master. If brain-body is allowed to continue its existence, Master may see hope for progress in the achievement of his aim.

Where

This may turn out to be a combination entry. There are several things on my mind: ennui—cause and effect, the disposable nature of location, change caused by focus, what choices are made and maybe a few more that I can’t think of right now.

We are staying inside most of the time, everything we need is here—food, water, exercise, access to the world, and a smidgeon of personal contact; Carola has been suffering from a bout with sinus infection and congestion but otherwise we are doing just fine. We could go out and I do whenever there is a good enough reason but on the whole I am reminded of space movies where the hero/s are self contained in a space ship and traveling through the void with all the same accouterments that we have here. The parallel is there, the space ship is this planet we are on.

Life goes on and there is a recurring theme for me; work to get somewhat good at whatever, then move on to s.t. else and start all over again from the beginning. There is a point where doing it again doesn’t increase the quality of the result enough to justify the expense of it so enthusiasm for the task is lost. This happens often and unless it is compensated by payment of some kind or another, mostly in the form of money but it can take other forms as well, such as appreciation from/by others or obligation as in meeting a responsibility, the endeavor is abandoned as ennui ensues.

I am seeing this now in “location.” We’ve been in Louisville now for 18 years and I have studied it for as long. There is history of which I am familiar, there has been a progression of improvement of which I am pleased, there are facets of it that make it a unique community and I am gaining an appreciation of them, there are personalities that make up the community, and there are factions that tend to protect personal interests instead of the common good.

This is as close to being part of a community as I have ever been. I am not a member of an organization that exists apart from the community, as I was in Newport News and Houston, or a foreigner as I was in France. As I recall Saint Louis and my time growing up there, I never considered myself a part of that community even though I very much was. It may be the transition that the population went through from close quarters in the city neighborhoods to the county in the 1960’s (and it happened again in the 1990’s to even farther out.)

I am vaguely becoming aware of the limitations of being here and can only wonder if these same limitations wouldn’t be in effect wherever I may be. Having never felt part of a community, it could be that I am just not able; comparing it to New York, Chicago, San Francisco, even Paris it could be that I want more than it can offer. I am not ready to move but the stirrings are there for an even more cosmopolitan, more sophisticated society.

The limitations may be personal v. community based and it harkens back to my seeming inability to work effectively along the second line, i.e. with others of like mind. I know this limitation exists, it is not unchangeable, and having recognized it and keeping myself aware of it, I am confident that I will make the necessary alterations to my method of operation and succeed.

There is only so much time left. If I lower my sights and become satisfied with being part of a scene here, then there is little more than attention to detail that needs doing. It is more quality of the surroundings than anything else and this may be a case of familiarity breeding discontent.

The people in charge seem to have the vision and resources to make it first class but there aren’t enough of them. Large private clubs, like Lake Forest CC, or Standard CC, and Louisville Boat Club, seem to have made the grade but they are the exception and not the rule. In NYC, Chi, SF, and Paris there are enough who have the vision to make it the rule rather than the exception.

 Aside, Lexington KY seems to have the vision for quality; I see it downtown, in the neighborhoods, in the farms, in the area in general but even with the University of Kentucky and wealthy individuals, they lack critical mass of population to make it truly cosmopolitan. This may be true of Louisville as well because the community is dissected into geographic classes and individually they too lack critical mass.

As I proceed with my acting career, I may at some point pick up and leave here and go to one of the big cities that lures me, such as Chicago, New York, or San Francisco. And you know what; I’ll be starting all over again there as a stranger to the place. It will take me four years or more there, just as it has here and Houston to get acclimated to the new environment; this can be good or not so good. I’ll keep this in mind as I go forward. Since there are only so many years left of this lifetime, I may opt to stay put and accept my surroundings, however aesthetically disappointing they may be. I quickly add that all of my needs are met here except the aesthetic.

It would seem that some of the other things on my mind will have to wait. While this doesn’t deal directly with the whole list, it points to a restlessness that seems to always be nearby; what am I doing, where am I, what could I be doing, where could I be, with whom? Once achieved, is it what I really wanted? The good call is the one that stops pursuit of the unworthy.

Welcome Back, Whither and Why

It’s been a while since I wrote an entry herein; there have been busy times in between, namely the holidays. I look back at the dates and see that after my last entry the play took a lot of time, we rehearsed or performed every night for about six weeks. That whole experience is worth an entry of its own; it was a 42nd Street-like experience.

The planning for 2011 took place during the month of December. It was allowed more time because I wanted to homogenize the dreams and truly use them for developing the strategy and goals for 2011. I now have a certain consistency in the progression of dreams from lifetime to age to present that hasn’t been evident in the past.

I also took the time to flesh out my history, adding three categories that help to describe what was going on at the time. One of these was the car(s) we had; the second was the money situation. These weren’t considered in the past because they’ve never been considered significant items and they still aren’t but they help set the stage for remembering the times past. Aside, there never seems to have been enough money to do everything in a first-class manner. The third memory jogger was the memory or highlight of the year. Granted that there may have been other, better choices made in selecting so I made the decision to go with what came to mind. I can always change it if I think it necessary.

Then with the history file brought up to par, I tackled “Dream for the Present” which became the Dream for the Present in the Performance Evolution tab entitled The Dreams. These came forward to the 2011 Planning tab, in the same workbook, and were used to determine the two main columns in the Endeavors tab, “During the Year 2011 I will_” (Strategy) and “At the End of the Year 2011 I will have_” (Plan.)

Thus I can look at where I am on each of the Endeavors every week throughout the year and be reminded of what I intended for each. This then becomes the determinant of what I will do this week to act consistently and not lose sight of the aim.

It is interesting to note that I have been doing this sort of thing since imagining it in Houston in 1985. I did it on paper and when I became proficient in Symphony, the first version of Office-type software, it was brought along and evolved into what I am using today.

An aspect of my planning efforts is work along the second line, of which I have realized the importance. Where I did it, the results came; where I didn’t the efforts fell short. One of the keys seems to be convinced enough of the efficacy of the desired goal that it can be openly discussed with the right people. Finding those people is another key. There are all sorts of people out there and all of them have motives of their own. You help me and I’ll help you.

When choosing people, I’ve often gone for the more interesting rather than the more sophisticated; the comfortable v. the challenging; those that were near v. seeking out those that would have been better.

There is another aspect that must be considered, it is what is going on in this complex being called me. We are comprised of many personae; each known in the 4th Way as “I”. It is apparent that a few of these are more prominent than others. There is one in this being, the observant I, that is prominent and active. He is an expert at after-the-fact observations of what should have/should not have been. Just like now as this blog entry is being written, he is quick to point out what was and what could be. So, he is an important influence on the shaping of the lifetime.

There are others who take action, who put the being in environments and situations where aim can be achieved; whatever that may be. Often they are cognizant enough to see where an opportunity may exist and then put the being in circumstances where he can take advantage of it. This happens a lot on minor aims as well as major. It is only after the fact that the observing one sees that it has taken place.

A pitfall is the timing of the observing one being in control. When he interferes with an acting one it leads to less than satisfactory results; often to mistakes, false steps, errors, wasted efforts, and disappointment. The challenge is to keep this one in his proper role and allow the others to achieve the aim for which they are striving. The elaborate planning method used/described here allows the observing one to articulate what is desired by the others and then stay out of the way as life goes on. The extant plan is the result of much iteration over time as each of the acting ones make their objectives known.

There is value in the process of articulating dreams, devising strategies, making plans, defining tasks, and accomplishing them. It maintains a certain focus that allows the observing one to step back and stay out of the way of the performers. If the dreams do not truthfully represent the desired results for this lifetime, the performers will still do what they must to achieve their particular aims. The observing one will wring his hands and fret over the lack of results but those results weren’t meant to be. Sort of like a body politic where the president/ leader doesn’t really speak for the people.

So there are two life strategies; one is to let it happen because it will anyway, and the other is to be involved on as many levels as possible as it happens. My choice, as the observing one in this being, is the second because it is more fun and there is a feeling of participation in the big picture.

Gettin' It Done

What does one do when everything is done? One has to go out and find some more to do. It is as easy as that and as difficult as that.

There are those who will go out and get overly committed only to bemoan the fact that they are too busy. There are those who will sit by and watch TV only to bemoan the fact that they are either bored or are suddenly aware that they have wasted a lot of time.

But then, isn’t it all a waste of time unless one is changing his or another’s state of being including fortune? If one gives it thought, it can be seen that if there isn’t a changed state of some kind then nothing has happened and time has been wasted or at least spent unproductively. Reading books, watching performances, observing others move about is not necessarily unproductive but ranks low on the productivity ladder. It’s been the subject of past writing that there is a big difference between talking a good game and playing a good game. There are actors and directors; writers and readers; performers and audiences; players and spectators; chefs and diners.

The amount of time that has to be invested in learning technique has been underestimated by me until now. I had the opinion that a little learning and then a little practice was all that was necessary—wrong. The holy grail of doing is confidence. Confidence can only be gained through acquiring the skill through research, practice, rehearsal, and reinforcement. Research of primary and secondary sources, practice of basic skills until perfected, rehearsal at ever increasing levels of exposure until, “There it is, Irvine Crane has completed a run of 150 in billiards.” A feat not repeated very often in history. At age 26 he set a record of 309 balls.

Some of the remarkable performances are due to natural ability, or abilities that were nurtured in the early youth. When one is seventy-one, becoming proficient at any technique is difficult.

I’ve been considering my plans for 2011 and keep going back to the model of articulating the dream and then adopting a strategy and setting goals for the year. All the while fully understanding that fulfillment of the dream could accelerate and that planning of the kind I do may even prevent recognizing that a breakthrough either has or could occur without a plan.

On the one hand I fear that my dreams aren’t big enough; on the other I fear that they are unrealistic expectations. The truth is somewhere in between. The secret is developing confidence to successfully perform the action. This is the aim of practice and rehearsal, developing confidence through repetition, confidence that allows one to reach levels of performance that were not anticipated during rehearsal.

One essential ingredient is discipline. The ability to take up the task, whatever it may be, and work for its completion. There is a creeping laziness that develops with a few extra minutes in the sack, another puzzle, or succumbing to TV, internet searches, or any other activity that is not endeavor oriented. And, I’m finding out, that going to bed at an appropriate time would allow one to get up in the morning. Getting up a little later leads to retiring later and the cycle continues to expand to later and later. It is so easy to let it happen. Just when I thought I was getting to discipline, I find that I’m not. So, once again the old horse has to be made to pay attention to trends and developments and get back on the ball.

This is an example of a 4th Way tenet; there is a tendency to do X but a need to do Y in order to accomplish aim. Only the detached “I” can see what is happening and make the decisions necessary to get the being back on track. He is like the trainer, coach, or manager who knows the desired end result and keeps the horse, team, or work group on track to accomplish same.

The ingredients are Dreams, defined and refined into things to do, and Discipline to do it/them. For me now it means getting up in the morning and performing the tasks necessary to push the dream forward. The Performance Evolution file keeps me on track from a what to do point of view but there is definitely a laziness that is creeping into the behavior of the being, known in the 4th Way as being in Tramp. The Good Householder or Steward will see that this is happening and take steps to rectify the situation. In this case the action step is to get to bed before midnight and get up before eight in the morning; then pick tasks and do them.

After getting up, inertia and momentum are getting in the way. Inertia is defined as the tendency for a body to remain at rest and momentum tendency it to remain in motion. The inertia is experienced in getting started on a task; momentum is when having started same, failing to stop when the task is sufficiently accomplished. All too often one will delay, defer, dally in the commencement of a task only to find that once started the task has taken over and continues after it is essentially finished.

This leads me to the next essential activity; working along the second line. This is always seems to be difficult for me. I am in an environment comprised of actors and creative people in the IAWL production rehearsals and I’m only now beginning to exploit that for information about how to expand my acting opportunities. I think I am only now getting over the feeling of inadequacy that I’ve experienced from the start of rehearsals. Well, I’m getting there but it is taking a long time.

Confidence is an elusive beast for me; it’s like getting on a horse that doesn’t want a rider. Once I’m up, he’s fine but he’ll dance around in circles before finally allowing me to get up.

Get Ready, Get Set--

It is getting close to the time of year when I articulate what I want to accomplish in the next year. Normally I take the time between the winter solstice and the New Year to do this, and I will again this year. I recall last year that I was able to work on it from time to time during that period and finished it at the turn of the year. I suppose that will be the same this year, although I’ve been playing with it now for the past few weeks. I wrote a blog about dreams and upon reviewing mine, I see that they are dreams and not necessarily goals; they likewise have not/ will not change much for next year. The goals may change but not the dreams that they support.

One of my dailies, which constantly undergo scrutiny and to which appropriate changes are made, is: “Making the difference with a supporting comment, a good question, a helping hand; strategy according to dreams, plan according to strategy, and task according to plan, with every move made intentionally, I deliver.” It has been transformed over time from a random collection of disjointed thoughts to what it is now. It incorporates the importance of the dream and the how dream is realized through strategy, plan, task, and action.

Another thing that has received some attention is my history and plan matrix that gives an idea of what has happened in my lifetime and what could in the future. It recognizes that things change over time; they have changed in the past and will continue in the future. It is interesting to note that dreams have been realized in the past with and without the benefit of strategy and plan and goal. One thing that is the same is task and action. As long as the dream is articulated, the strategy and plan allow for the more efficient achievement of it, maybe yes—maybe no.

Many of my dreams have been seen to come true after the fact. I.O.W. the dream came true, I enjoyed that it did, I didn’t consciously plan for it but did take appropriate action at appropriate times to assure that the dream came true. Some dreams come/came true long after they were forgotten or after they were part of a conscious effort. This phenomenon supports my theory that personae are always working to realize dreams, in the foreground or in the background.

I’ve backed way off from my usual modus operandi of being busy with things that are listed as tasks. I now have some things of which I am reminded but there is plenty of time in the day for spontaneous activity. This is s.t. that is recently been effected. I use the palm pilot as a tool for taking tasks from Performance Evolution to schedule but I don’t put pressure on me to have to do this or that or the other—today. The only caution I have to maintain is that I not waste the time made available by not being over-booked.

I have my stated areas of emphasis as the script, the club, the crop, and the cue. These are my rocks, these are the activities that I pursue consciously and enjoy. I could probably stop there and not worry about how I was going to accomplish these things but it is more interesting and fun to put some thought to it and actively pursue them. Another realization is that one can rehearse/practice only so much but the real progress is made on the playing field, be that the stage, the course, the stadium, or the pool hall. It is, for the most part, better to get up there and stub your toe than to spend too much time preparing. This is not to say that one doesn’t have to know his lines, or technique; there are prerequisites.

I think the most telling realization was that I didn’t have to be the best in all my endeavors, to spend the same amount of time on each of them that I do on the rocks. So, I’m not spending a lot of psychic energy on endeavors that are not considered “rocks” but still doing them on a more casual basis. I am also not trying to establish bragging rights for any endeavor; I do them because I enjoy to do them and not to impress anyone.

I have become so aware of this that I tend to take a back seat in many conversations of which in the past I would have been in front. This is not a bad thing but it has often been less than satisfying. I am sure that there is a happy medium where one can tell his story without bragging or competing for position. There are auditions and conversations; there’s a difference in what one says and how one says it.

A lot of people to whom I talk are caught in the old days and want to relate memories and stories of things that happened to them. I get bored with this quickly both as one who is talking and one who is listening. But on the other hand it is difficult to maintain a conversation on topics of the here and now unless one is trying to sell s.t. I don’t like to sell things so I tend not to get into conversations all that often.

This has led to a less than satisfactory social situation. I enjoy learning new things, playing games, solving problems, puzzles, talking about problem areas in order to come up with some solution to same. Talking just for the fun of it holds no allure for me, simply listening likewise is difficult but true conversation where I can contribute to the discussion is fine.

I’m going into 2011 with well articulated dreams, however terse, a good understanding of what I want, and ready to invent strategies and goals that will make them real.

Reflections on Mediocrity

I’m in the middle of plotting and scheming for the week ahead and have the urge to write s.t. about what’s going on in my head at this time. We finished the run of Murder Behind the Curtain and Carola and I viewed the DVD of it last night as well. Then the time change occurred this morning so there’s an extra hour. These events have put me in a reflective mood, especially seeing the DVD.

My image didn’t seem strange to me but at the same time it makes me face the reality of how I look and sound and move. What I see is an old man who moves stiffly about, not the heroic image of an Odysseus. It’s a wonder that anyone in the acting business has anything to do with me. Yet people are kind and generally accept me, some have even given me the opportunity to go on stage and in front of the camera. A jaundiced person might say the pickings are slim in Louisville so you got the part. Another might say “To get what I want, I ask.”

At any rate, and for the record, I can readily see that I am no great shakes and need a lot of work. I am not going to make it on natural talent alone, because there is so little of it, but by virtue of hard work, showing up for rehearsal on time, knowing my lines, taking direction, being nice to others on the set, then performing flawlessly. I think the biggest thing I have to prevent is getting a high opinion of myself and thinking that I’ve been chosen because I have talent. It may be that the director gave me the part because of another cast member's recommendation. I keep getting encouragement from the other which makes me think he has a stake in my success.

I am in the same spot I’ve been in my whole life, starting out from nowhere and having to make something out of it. The pattern has been the same, now that I think about it, since the first time I was asked to sing s.t. in first or second grade. What came out of my mouth was a strange sound. I’d been singing along with the rest of the congregation, hearing a nice voice in my ears. Only it wasn’t my voice but that of one of the choristers who was near enough. One can imagine my surprise when my natural voice was the only one to be heard and it wasn’t very good. So I had no natural singing talent and that was the end of my being considered for the Choristers; I became an acolyte.

This scenario has repeated itself over and over again in my lifetime for every endeavor that I’ve undertaken. The bottom line is simple enough; I have no natural talent for anything that I’ve tried to date, and that’s a lot of things; that for which I have natural talent has escaped my notice. My fallback position is to work really hard at learning the fundamentals and practicing same until my performance is passable.

This is another flaw in my character; I work on s.t. until my performance is passable but not at the higher levels of riches, medals, and stardom. I seem to make the decision to remain at a mediocre level and then try s.t. new and different, going off on a new tangent. The amount of effort required to make the silk purse is deemed too much to pay.

I have, however, settled into four endeavors that are being pursued with the idea in mind to get better and better until I am satisfied with what I am doing. I reached this level of performance in some previous endeavors including NNS, Knights of Columbus Council 511, sailing, the Dale Carnegie Course, the Leadership Training for Mangers Course, management as a profession, and another that I won’t name. In each of these I was satisfied that I’d gone as far as I could and had no desire to reach that next level, or even knowledge of what that was.

In every instance it was a lack of vision coupled with a lack of desire and resources that allowed me to, led me to, and prevented me from making it to the big time. The primary ingredient that was lacking was the vision, the dream, the description of a desired end result that included stardom and riches. The vision was not clear or lacking all together. The second detriment was being satisfied with the doing and not moving towards a desired end result. I was on the highway but didn’t have a clear itinerary or a destination in mind. I relied on inspiration and happinstance instead of advice. The few times I got advice from others, it led to great results. The one time I totally relied on inspiration I got a failing grade on the paper. Finally I am getting the connection.

My job is simply to decide what it is. Having a dream and goals, then talking about them, whatever they are, and getting input from others who have had the experience is a necessary ingredient to success. This business of thinking that somehow I am a superior being who is able to solve life’s puzzles, come up with the best possible means of achieving a goal, and divine ways and means is the ultimate in silliness. The one missing ground rule has been that I don't have to take the advice offered but must judge same and accept or reject.

That which has prevented me from getting input from others is a character trait of which I am now aware. I am so concerned about being subordinate to anyone that I will sit here in my rowboat as ocean liners make crossings. This inability to recognize my lack of knowledge and experience has led me to where I am today; not badly off but mediocre; way ahead of a lot of people but nowhere near where I could potentially be. I’m not feeling sorry for myself but have the feeling that I’ve been slapped in the face with reality, video recordings do that.