The Big Three

Sunday October 4, 2009

Jim Schorche said to think about what I would like life to be like in six months, that would be April, 2010. It would have something to do with participating proactively in life.

Ok, what’s wrong with this picture? Here it is Sunday, the sky is bright blue, not a cloud, the temperature is 57 degrees, a bit cool, and I am sitting here in the windowless cave listening to Beethoven and doing my plotting and scheming for the week ahead.

There’s a golf course out there with my name on its membership list, there are horses out there nibbling on grass in pasture, there are people at church, lunch, or community places talking and having a good time interacting; and I am sitting here in the windowless cave doing my plotting and scheming for the week.

There are people out there without company, as I am here. There are opportunities galore for activities, relationships, friendships, and simply acquaintance; and I am sitting here in the windowless cave doing my plotting and scheming for the week ahead.

If one can’t answer the question on the first line, he is clueless. I am not clueless in seeing what’s wrong with it; I am, however, clueless in understanding what to do about it and how to go about it.

An objective observer, and I’ll take a stab at it although I know I’m not qualified, would say that here is a man who has an emotional problem. I say that with consideration because if one agrees that all motivation is caused by personae that are able to tap into six sources/wells, then one can see by observing this being that emotional motivation is somehow warped, i.e. unable to produce the kind of action/results that are desired.

This same observer would itemize and analyze the status of the being according to the sources as follows: emotionally he is below par; intellectually he is above par; moving he is at par or slightly above; socially he is reactionary v. proactive; sexually he is almost dead; instinctively he is above par.

It is also important to recognize the relative strength of these sources. The stronger displace the weaker in situations. There are personae who are primarily one source or another, although all personae have content from all the sources, and those that are primarily stronger displace weaker. It is a matter of survival in some cases and always a matter of coping with circumstances. The strongest source is Instinctive, then Sexual, then Emotional, then Social, then Intellectual and finally Moving.

Take a situation where the safety of the being is in doubt; no matter what else is happening a persona with high Instinctive content will take over and act, and so on through all the sources. Intellectual is second only to Moving in weakness and this is precisely why a movement can be interrupted by thoughts. Often we hear the advice, don’t think during a golf swing yet this interruption by a persona of high intellectual content is often the cause of poor performance.

There are situations where personae of higher emotional content cause problems in achieving desired results usually, almost always, where other people are involved. These personae are irrational in their reluctance to act, yet they are strong enough to prevent the being from achieving desired results. The higher intellectual personae can figure it out, the moving can get him to the location, the others are quiet because they aren’t stimulated but something stimulates those with higher emotional content and it can only be categorized as fear.

Fear is a broad emotional category; one must ask, “Fear of what?” When personae of high instinctive center content perceive danger to the safety of the being, they pull out all the stops and take over. When personae of high emotional content perceive a danger to feelings of the being they tend to take over and redirect the actions/reactions to others.

Now one has to ask, “What feelings?” One set of feelings may involve recalling previous experiences of hurt and a desire to avoid repeating it. The hurt was probably caused by what was said or done by others; being shunned; i.e. judged as inferior, undesirable, or unworthy. There is probably a long list of such experiences and not one single, although picking one and analyzing it may be of some value.

There is a life progression from first memory on that allowed this to become a problem area. The neighborhood around the house had enough playmates to satisfy early needs for socialization. There are no memories of incidents that would have caused such personae to be created.

Then there was adolescence. Here I am looking for possible causes, and some could have come from this period. I made some choices that were not acceptable to parents and some others who felt they had some say in what I would do. I came to feel that I my judgment was not good, that I made poor decisions. And indeed I did; even until now I see that I am capable of making poor choices of what to do or not do. Memories of the pain caused by the poor choices causes me to feel a self-doubt.

A second set of memories has to do with McBride HS and the social structure there. I was a follower because I didn’t have a clear objective in mind and, therefore, didn’t excel in anything. I did some things that were grade B, good, but nothing exceptional. Yet even with this handicap I was elected to the Student Court and served well enough to get words of praise from one of the faculty. Furthermore I got the impression that my home circumstances were somehow subpar; things were not as good as I thought they were; so this increased the self-doubt and, furthermore, caused me to feel inferior.

Then the big one, Rolla; this became the hermetically sealed glass case in which self-doubt, inferiority, and failure are kept. What followed was a lifetime, from 1958 to present of overcoming the feeling that somehow others look upon me as a failure. Being laid off from Tenneco wasn’t a big deal but the job search which followed did much to reinforce the aspect of being seen as a failure in the eyes of others. The Executrain experience and the years following it have likewise reinforced these feelings.

I am a reasonable, rational person and take issue with these feelings. “Emotional responses are irrational,” but it is difficult to deal with irrationality. There is the rational response model but it exists in those personae that have higher intellectual source content without affecting those with higher emotional content. This is why making the response at the exact moment of the experience is so important; unanswered emotional responses seem to get set in place and are harder to move aside as time goes on. They are like cement, they have some time before they become set where they can be hosed off; but once set, with memory being the aggregate, the strength of the block gets stronger. The only way to get rid of concrete is with destructive forces greater than the binding forces.

Maybe it isn’t that bad. Maybe one can change his perceptions without drastic psychological intervention. I don’t know. It is easy to deal with it on other levels but not emotionally. The memories are set. I need some help here.

An interesting strategy that I employ is to get involved in new activities, where failure is not immediately an issue. If I’m not supposed to be good at s.t. it is okay not to be plus people think I can be so I get a lot of attention while learning. If I am supposed to be good at s.t., then when I’m not, I am a failure. By never staying involved to the point of being required to be good or starting over again and again, I avoid the scepter of failure.

So, now that I have restated from whence they came, how can I eliminate the fear of making a poor choice, of being viewed as inferior, and being seen as a failure? One way may be to envision a state of consciousness that says I can trust my decisions, that I am unique, and that life is a funny game that I must play; sometimes I’ll win, sometimes I’ll lose, and sometimes it will rain; and that there will always be some people at the ball park who may talk about my performance.

Getting It

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The personal effects of mom were examined and mostly discarded by us. Not that we are disrespectful or anything like that; there is only so much room in the house and only value from mom’s point of view. There were, however, many pictures of us as a family as we were growing up. Many of these were not new to me and I enjoyed seeing them again. I can only say that it makes me feel sort of ordinary. We weren’t well-to-do that’s for sure. The clothes and settings in which the pictures were taken is proof of that; and yet I never felt disadvantaged, not even in the slightest bit but rather neutral about the whole issue of who and what we were. Our status was always ok.

The question of status started to dawn on me in the last few years we were in Newport News. We had little or none there, of which we were aware, that’s for sure, didn’t need any, didn’t want any, and didn’t care about it. I enjoyed some celebrity as a muckety-muck in the shipyard but was well aware that there was a tier of higher status people. There were those who had the highest level of positions, mine was in the second tier, second highest, and I was pretty happy about that. Then in Houston, there was none even though we enjoyed a relatively high position in the company. It was like the Pentagon where officers are the norm. Then in Wisconsin, and in Europe, there was none; we were not in a social circle other than the sorority in Houston. There just didn’t seem to be a fit for us; that had been true all along, even until now. When we came here, it became something of an issue with me because we had to establish ourselves as members of the small business community vending to other business entities.

We joined the Chamber of Commerce, the International Cultural Center, the Rotary Club, Sales and Marketing Association, the Kentucky World Trade Center and I became the Honorary French Consul for Kentucky. We participated and Carola was most uncomfortable at most of the events.

I’ve examined this before and found that while I am a willing participant in and joined social circles, Carola is not and didn’t want to participate. It is more important to me to not put her in situations where she isn’t comfortable. She eschews what I would like to do and we’ve pretty much gone our separate ways except that I support her and the sorority and she has lent some support to me and mine. We are two different people, that’s for sure.

What’s new now in my thinking is an understanding that we are indeed independent of social status. There are many around us who give a lot of thought to it, who interact within a societal group, who are invited here and there to parties and events and know each other’s name rank and serial number but we don’t; in fact we are not parties of interest, have little or no influence and power. You won’t see us in the newspaper on the society page, although you will see us in the front row here and there when it is appropriate. When we do it’s because of a specific little reason and not that we are generally famous, rich, and powerful. We get our few moments in the spotlight and it’s fun when it happens; we don’t kid ourselves into thinking that we are generally well-known.

There are those to whom being socially involved is important, and furthermore it is important to them to be involved with only those who reinforce their self esteem. I noticed at Milestone at the noon class that there was a group who socialized with evenings out and going to events. These were people who were born and raised here and who had a long history with each other. To join into this group was possible but not practical; one would be a Johnny-come-lately for at least a generation. Those who seemed to express a need/desire to form such a social circle were not deemed desirable in my view so we didn’t/don’t.

This writing today seems to be going nowhere but it is clarifying something for me. My sense of self-image, of who I am v. what I would like others to think I am is s.t. that gets in my way from time to time. It is one of the big distractions in the 4th Way and even has a name. It is called Inner-considering and is closely aligned with what others may call self-consciousness but it goes a little further than self-consciousness. All of what I said about seeking approval/ avoiding disapproval is tied into it as well. And it has nothing to do with what others are thinking but is entirely what I am thinking about me.

It occurs when certain personae get into inner considering and, if not recognized and stopped, cause much wasted psychic energy. This is an important realization and one that will tend to allow me to increase my reservoirs of psychic energy by not spending it foolishly on this sort of thinking.

The horse trials analogy, doing a cross-country obstacle course, is in play all the time. My approach to life has to be that, to take obstacles as they come, handle encounters and situations extemporaneously as they occur without forgetting that the rider has the option to walk the course, i.e. the desired result can be described based on what I want but then handle the details of situations as the arise.

This is my planning evolution file. I do it for the year and then the week. What needs to be reminded, recalled, restated, repeated are the desired states, and although I do this on Sunday mornings, I don’t do it in the required meditative state. This allows communication with Master. Doing this and the elimination of cynicism, replacing it with admiration, and judging, replacing it with forgiveness, will do much to allow this being named John Lina, to accomplish whatever it is he wants to do.

The Bad Actors

Friday, October 1, 2009

The words came out of my mouth in the presence of another human being; “I do things, rather I don’t do things because I seek to avoid perceived disapproval.” Yes, this is a breakthrough for me; they are words that I’ve said to myself but never to another who could disapprove of such a sentiment.

I am curious as to why I am so approval oriented. It could be the effect on my psyche of early training by people of influence, it could be the experience of what was considered inappropriate behavior; it could be the voice of a persona who is a prig who is the result of all of the above. And I think it is this latter proposition that holds the key.

Personae are created to deal with situations that come up in our lifetime; they become reinforced by use, and permanent when used frequently enough. Then, if they are considered apropos by Master, they may become permanent across lifetimes.

 Personae can help or hinder; they are created to cope with situations so for at least their first appearance they are helpful. It is when they reappear at inappropriate times that they become a hindrance; such as Ferd, the fighter, when he comes out in an otherwise polite discussion.

So it is with this approval seeking and disapproval avoiding persona who may have been appropriate, or may even be appropriate in certain circumstances but when he becomes the pre-eminent arbiter of behavior he is a hindrance. The primary emotion of this persona is fear; backed up by vanity because he doesn’t want others thinking he is somehow inferior; inner considering because he is rapt with how he/they feels others should be treating him; and imagination because he is attempting to be a certain something that he feels he is not.

This is the irony of the situation. Others make up their mind about what they observe and nothing I say or do can change that opinion; the opinion changes with every observation and the truth comes out over time.

One can appear on the golf course attired in the finest, with the latest equipment, the most expensive balls, and new tees; even hit his first drive perfectly down the middle of the fairway a distance of 250 yards and those observing his play will say, “Wow, what a great golfer.” Only to change their mind 90 times as they observe his play stroke by stroke. In the end they have a good mental assessment of his ability as a golfer and the way he reacts to changing situations. Nothing he says can change that; and so it goes in all aspects of life.

One trap into which I often fall is exactly this, I make a good first impression and then attempt to live up to it and I'm unable to do so. This is the folly that I have experienced over and over. Now that it is being laid bare, I see that it is primarily vanity and secondarily inner considering. There is a strong desire to be outstanding, to be the hero, to be able to do it all, to be the best of the best; and a suspension of the reality that it isn’t possible to be a natural anything. To be even good at anything requires hard work after one finds the parameters that allow same; and to be the best requires going beyond even that.

There are exceptions, the likes of Mozart, Paschal, and Shakespeare; all of whom were blessed with genius, found it, and exercised it. It could be that we all have some genius in us and we exercise it but it isn’t the genius that gets noticed. The desire to find my genius and have it recognized is a pitfall into which I fall. One of me is convinced that I am the smartest being that ever lived and wants others to recognize that fact. He is a delusional one because a Mozart this one is not.

Here I go; I can’t keep from saying that I can do a lot of things really well, almost all of my endeavors have been exercised excellently at one time or another. I have achieved leadership in every organization to which I have belonged, I have accomplished what others could not; I have done it all but it is not recognized by anyone except me; perhaps because others aren't aware of it. And this is the hitch: I am cynical when I hear myself trying to convince someone else that I have accomplished anything of note.

So here are the horns of the dilemma; one is an approval/disapproval issue and the other is cynicism directed at self. Both of these may be the same persona or two different personae working at or about the same time. The one seeking approval is sensing what he thinks others are thinking, and the cynical one is hearing what is being said and opining to the other personae in a negative way.

How to quiet these two? They cannot be killed; personae can’t be killed. They may go into the background and not be called forth but they cannot be killed. They may even die as the age and experiences of the being make them no longer viable. Or perhaps the age of the body is such that the fluids that produce the effect sought by a persona are no longer available and even though the persona wants to make his presence felt he cannot because the mix is no longer available.

Assuming that the age issue is not in play, how does one negate the effort of undesirable personae? One can only face the reality that they are there, and suppose that Driver has the power to keep them from getting control. How does Driver exercise his control? By being instructed by a higher power, i.e. Master, and Master can be influenced by other personae that make their case for banishing this one or that. Perhaps this case may be made more effectively, i.e. take less time, through the visualization/hypnosis technique that Jim Schorche, et al espouse. The meditative state may open a more direct line of communication with Master and then he can use his influence to achieve the desired result.

Adrift

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Yesterday was a butz. There wasn’t much via constructive activity that went on; I did the bills, stayed around the house all day, did my daily list and called McNeely Park w/o getting an answer, napped, walked, watched a little football, practiced pool, worked x-word puzzles, and watched a movie with Carola. Today is shaping up in a similar manner. I am about to do my weekly plotting and scheming and then whatever.

As I ponder the situation I am focusing on a void in my life; i.e. meaningful contact with others. It is a Catch 22 for me. On the one hand I enjoy the company of others but on the other I am loathe to participate with another in any meaningful way. I am suspicious, cynical, and judgmental. I see the actions of others and think the worst. I relate to strangers easier than those I know. The more of a stranger the other is, the easier it is for me to approach them and start a conversation. The better I know someone, the more difficult it is for me to share myself with them, mainly because my suspicion that they really don’t care is often reinforced by experience.

And why should they? Well, they shouldn’t and don’t. There is no reason for them to care about me or my situation especially since I don’t have a handle on what I want/need/ would like. And when someone does try to help me, to understand me, I tend to clam up and avoid their help and intervention. I am dissolving into a complete misanthrope.

An objective third party observer: here is a man who seldom leaves his house except to run errands, go to school, meetings, golf, pool, walk, or do the LTM. He has almost no social contact.

Let’s take the outings one at a time:
1. Errands- to where-ever interacting only with the clerk who is paid to attend;
2. School- to class twice per week, a class that is almost meaningless to him. It is French Theater Practicum and his involvement in French culture and language is almost nil. So, he goes to class, participates, makes little conversations with the other students who are 20-year olds, and then goes to the SAC and plays a little pool with whoever wants a game. In fact he is out of his element in this University setting; he has no reason to be there and he’s not contributing anything to the betterment of society or himself.
3. Meetings- Rotary club where he participates for the time he is at the meeting and does little else except what is requested of him. He is like a toad sitting in the grass, gulping the occasional insect. Then there’s the French conversation meeting on Thursdays where he wastes his time sitting with others who can speak the language better than he. Then there’s the weekly meeting with his counselor which is more like an errand, interacting with someone paid to do so.
4. Golf- a solo event in his life. He goes to the course without a playing partner, takes up with one if convenient, otherwise not.
5. Pool- here is a socially oriented activity. It is one time per week at the Billiards Club of Louisville where he is on a team, knows others in the place and minimally participates beyond the game.
6. Walk- completely solo event, often he is lost in thought as he makes his 5 km round.
7. LTM- there is some social contact involved in this; it is in Evansville IN and involves phone calls from time to time.

The common thread among all of these is their compartmentalization. There is no continuity of contact beyond the event itself. Even when he was president of the Rotary Club, it became a routine that involved almost no contact beyond that of the meeting itself. When involved in a theatrical production, there is the rehearsal and performance where there is meaningful involvement beyond the occasional meeting. And yet, even in the theatrical production, there is a tendency to become increasingly insular and put up barriers that avoid familiarity beyond what is involved in the performance. In UTC, he was the man who wasn’t there until almost the end.

Others are seen to have this tendency to keep to themselves; this unwillingness to be seen as one thinks he is. It is as if they are promoting an image which is not consistent with what they think they really am. And there is another take on this, perhaps what they are convinced that they are how they would like others to see them and are so different that that they don’t want it to show. Yet, in truth, what one is, is so plainly obvious to others that they see one who is trying to be something he’s not. OTOH there have been occasions when one or another came out; these have been monsters in action. Sometimes barbarous, other times crude and unsavory, and then simply bothersome but always scorned by those with whom he would have a relationship. It is as if others buy into the “juste et bon” only to find later that he’s not.

Being unwilling to bend to the will of others, to do what others would have, has been a hallmark of my life. I disdain family and friends as being unworthy of me. There have been a few “genuine” people whose acquaintance I’ve made but these were usually less than exemplary of knightly virtues. I saw them as living a life of experiences in lieu of being harnessed as was I; but I pulled my plough with the occasional walk on the wild side. Now my fields are in, the harvest is over and I am free but like the Prisoner of Chillon:

My very chains and I grew friends,
So much a long communion tends
To make us what we are: - even I
Regain'd my freedom with a sigh. –Byron

There are/were two sets of chains involved, one has been removed; that being responsibility for other people, kids, mother, and father. The other is still in place, the need to feel good about me; for approval/ acceptance/ respect/ adulation/accomplishment.

Getting to Acting

September 24, 2009

My sensitivity reared its ugly head yesterday when Jim Schorche questioned me on the term Napoleonic complex. He said it referred to a type of narcissism where the person seeks to be the center of attention even if it is a harmful bit of attention that he gets. My sensitivity was piqued by the question because it related to the contents of my play and his assertion that the play may have been biographical.

Admitted, it is based on characters and happenings of my time at NNI but not so in detail, IOW the events didn’t happen the way they’re written. The reference to Napoleonic complex was to a short man, i.e. Earl, who has a need to make his presence felt to combat physical inferiority; not narcissism. So that leaves his reference to same to be an oblique reference to s.t. that I either have or am experiencing.

Then I am further offended because I can readily see that what he described was the malady from which my father suffered. He would endure the most offensive personal attacks and say the most outrageous things just to get the spotlight put on him. This behavior put him in a bad light but he didn’t mind as long as he was the center of attention. He would make up unverifiable facts and interpret historical events to suit his purposes and because of his senior stature would not hear of contradiction. He did the same with philosophical arguments; all to keep the spotlight on him.

Now Jim couldn’t know about pop, nor could he know Earl’s actual behavior but he made a sideways reference about narcissism. One has to ask; does it ring alarm because it is true somehow? Well, yes I do seek the spotlight; it makes me feel important, appreciated, and approved. Sometimes I get it because I’m there, my presence, my way of looking at people; sometimes I get it because of a well timed remark conveying a fact overlooked by others, sometimes I even resort to my father’s tactics but then retreat as soon as I become aware of what I’m doing. Even my going to see Jim Schorche weekly can be interpreted as narcissistic because, objectively, I don’t have a problem except that like Montaigne, I may be a bit bored.

There is a “Catch 22” here. In order to do the work, i.e. develop the being, it would seem that one has to engage in a good bit of self-analysis, which by definition is inner-considering and imagination. Yet it seems impossible to take a look at me without doing some of this. Imagination is a tool of the brain; left unattended, uncontrolled, to its own devices, it is a distraction but directed along the lines of analyzing what is going on it is a prelude to reasoning which is a prelude to decision making.

Inner-considering is likewise a distraction if it is not used constructively. One can get so engrossed in his treatment by others and taking offense or sustenance from it that he loses his attention to what is going on around him an thus is in distraction. But when looking at himself as objectively as possible, it becomes a tool that can be used for advancing the development of the being.

If I’ve succumbed to narcissism by trying to develop with the help of an objective third party, then I’m wasting my time. I don’t think I have, I don’t know if Jim is hinting at it or not so I’ll ask him next time round.

My whole purpose in going to him is to have some objective third party input on what to do next and how to achieve that without wasting a lot of time. His techniques so far have been to visualize, in a pseudo self-hypnotic state, and to imagine myself as already having the necessary critical resource(s) for achieving what I want.

The hypnosis is fine; it seems to produce results when I use it to visualize my desired state as described by the thirty-three dailies. I’ve used it daily since and have “input” the first eight. I may now pick and chose from the rest to get the more important “input” sooner than later.

I can use the second technique, to which I will refer as resource-imagination, to similarly recognize that I have the necessary attributes, skills, and contacts to get what I want. These two techniques will give me the right mental framework for achievement but I recognize now that it is likewise important to be able to play a good game, not just be able to talk a good game. Furthermore, it takes hard work, dedication, and perseverance to have the ability to perform and this takes time. Exposure and training in these and other techniques may shorten the process as did/does the Dale Carnegie Course.

If it is going to be acting, then act, take classes, and perform whenever the opportunity presents itself. Aha! This may be the source of the suspected narcissism. My own statement that I need an audience to hear me, see me, and read me would say that I am simply seeking the limelight. That isn’t really the case. “Oscar” could be narcissistic but there are so many others of me in here that he gets out only when it is proper that he do so. Oscar is the one who likes to perform, he is the narcissistic one but he’s held in check by many others who are more reasonable and eschew possible embarrassment; and it is precisely this reasonableness that holds back the actor; it is also a product of inner-considering of the distractive kind.

So, to where do I go with all of this? One thing for sure, I/we must give Oscar more free rein, i.e. say yes to opportunities; another is to approach the acting as I have billiards and golf where one must study, practice, play, and compete. Acting is likewise an acquired skill; in a systemic analysis it is: (1) find, (2) audition, (3) learn lines, (4) rehearse, and (5) perform.

Stumbling Around

Wednesday September 23, 2009

This afternoon at 4:45 I’ll be meeting with Jim Schorche again to proceed along the lines of finding out what to do next. The idea of acting keeps coming up but the thought of auditioning, even fulfilling the requirements of putting my application in to a talent agency is daunting.

I saw an apprentice program offered by Actor’s Theater. It seems to be aimed at youth, but I can’t make that assumption. I would be the ugly duckling yet again in an acting situation should I be selected for same. And yet this is what I am in every class day at UofL.

The thought of doing other than acting in a theater setting is not something that appeals to me at all. I wouldn’t be satisfied to be less than on stage. So I put an application into Heyman Talent Agency and submitted a character picture of me as Haley in UTC. Who knows what will come out of this. I am convinced that it will take more than submitting such; it seems to require some more than the systematic approach for getting accepted into anything.

In every situation in my life where I was interested in joining up with some organization it took more than an application to do so. This includes BSA, NNS, Wm &Mary, Tenneco, Executrain, UofL, BCofL, and Midland Trail GC. So it won’t be any different for me to be associated successfully with Heyman Talent Agency. I also need to enroll in Acting II for the spring semester. This will put me in the arena once again. My Achilles heel seems to be memorizing lines but I think this will get easier as I do more.

It is interesting that I can’t seem to get myself to memorize for the sake of it; I need to be able to recite those lines. This was/is true for Putievil, Psalter, R&J, UTC, and others. I don’t have the incentive to memorize without the performance/ recitation in front of a group. I think this is one of the bugaboos of the audition/ application process. I’m doing things without the required performance. I memorized the “All the World’s a Stage” for the audition and it was lack luster.

The possibility of working in Adult Education once again has arisen from a phone call made by Jeff Owens, with or without the knowledge of Diane Ernst. It seems that he thinks the program is in trouble, Diane is distracted with personal problems, and the person now doing my classes is not doing a very good job. This may be something on which to follow up. I’ll talk it over with Jim Schorche today. I have to remember that Diane may not know about Jeff’s call. In movies about acting it seems to have been stressed that the actor be employed somehow when not acting. The AE job would be good for this because it is part-time and never expected to be full time. It could be worked around the LTM and trips to Evansville, around acting classes, around whatever else is going on except travel for extensive periods, which I will probably not be doing.

So, AE becomes time filler. Do I need time fillers? I have 18 endeavors upon which I spend my time now; do I need another? This one is for pay, but then I don’t really need to be paid, do I? It would bring me into contact with others, now this is a plus because almost all of my endeavors don’t. Admitted that golf, pool, and French do so but not the others. Then there are the relationship bugaboos that crop up. These are inherent in any and all contact that I have with others. I am misanthropic to a great degree, I don’t like anyone very much, I’m critical and judgmental, especially with respect to women whom I don’t know or know and don’t like. I suppose I have some feelings of inferiority, unfounded as they may be, and this causes me to be the way I am.

Oddly, I know that I am unique but feel that others think I am inferior until I prove myself otherwise. In fact, nobody gives a second thought to me. But then I see evidence of others being less than accepting of me; best example is Dick. He puts on the front of being my friend but has engaged in some less than flattering remarks about me to others. This is his way of assuaging his own sense of self worth. Like I said previously, my life is not interesting enough to others to be of note to anyone else.

If this is the case, and I’m sure it is, why do I even give the slightest consideration to what others may be thinking. First of all, they aren’t thinking about me; second of all if they have a poor opinion of me that isn’t going to change without them seeing some evidence to the contrary. I suppose trying to make something happen is when it becomes important. Letting something happen is a whole lot easier than trying to make something happen. Charlie is trying to make something happen over in Evansville and he’s struggling. Companies everywhere are trying to make something happen and are facing the same problems. It takes time, money, patience, cleverness, and a lot of dedicated effort to try to make it rain. And then it rains because the conditions are right and not because of anything anyone did.

Oh well, I’m not getting anywhere with all of this. If I pick my fight, I get beat; if I let the fight come to me, I’m not satisfied with it; and if I don’t do anything, there’s a good possibility that nothing will happen. The world will keep turning and people will keep milling about but without me participating in the fray. That’s what it boils down to, I want to participate; I see acting as a way of doing it satisfactorily; I don’t want relationships beyond the immediate task at hand; yet I want friends and acquaintances that are satisfying to meet some need for acceptance and approval.

Direction

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Yesterday was the second meeting I had with my counselor and I am a little unsure of him. It almost seems that he has a predetermined prescription for me and is not very interested in the details of my thinking or my life. Well, this may be a good thing because I am interested in an objective third party and not necessarily a pal. It is, however, a little disappointing that I am not interesting enough to generate a desire to know more about me. This is the story of my life, not interesting enough to want to know more. C’est la vie, literally.

One benefit from this meeting was an exercise he/we did in visualizing an intended outcome. He had me imagine that I was in a theater, once through the doors I was to take my seat in a comfortable place, and the lights dimmed for the performance. The curtain went up and there I was on stage, acting. The role I played was of my own choosing and I took Sinclair of UTC. Acting opposite was Tiffany and she was missing her lines to me; I was catching same and getting back to her in context without allowing the audience to know that we were ad lib mode. The visual that he had me create included feelings, smells, etc. The more vivid and real I could make it the better/deeper the impression and the effect.

This morning I took it a step farther; in bed, before arising, I went through this same process for the first of my dailies, “Greeting this day with love in my heart, I am nicer.” The results were evident; I had a certain sense of being so all day, even until now. It seems that I could do this for each of my dailies in turn, one per day and keep repeating the process over and over. Eventually the desired states of mind represented by each of them will become real to me. In the meantime, I will continue to recite the entire list daily since that is what keeps me on track during the day; visualization will deepen the effect considerably.

There was more. Earlier in the session he listened to my kvetching about being unsuccessful in interviews and auditions. He said it could be that I was over or felt under-prepared and, therefore, lacked spontaneity. This rang a bell; often I am/was/have experienced a mental lock-up in an interview when I am trying to anticipate the interviewer’s direction. I let my impressions of what I think the other is after get in the way of my answers.

Jim recalled to me my successful interviews and lack of preparedness v. my unsuccessful where much time was spent in preparation. He said that perhaps I was overdoing the preparation. This fits right into a recent insight that I had. There is an analogy between this and a cross-country trial on horseback.

The rider can walk the course, measure the distances, envision the strides and the take-off points but the horse cannot see the course before the competition. He has to take each obstacle under the hand of the rider as it comes up to him. So too would the being prepare for an audition/interview; have a strategy in mind and not a script. The more strategic the preparation, i.e. less scripted, the more flexibility one has when in the audition. This is also an opportunity to apply visualization to “set” the strategy and give the personae maximum flexibility in the execution of the interview.

It is necessary to be ready to accept rejection without recrimination. IyamwotIyam and if that’s not good enough, so be it. One can’t be so focused on getting the part, job, or sale that his mind is strapped in too tightly. Some of my failed interviews fit this pattern, one failed for lack of strategy, one failed because an interviewer had an ax to grind, and for some, I just wasn’t the person for the part. The successful had a specific goal, e.g. NNS&DD Co, and then go for it.

Another analogy that works is the director of a play, in his director’s notes session at the end of each rehearsal as he makes his direction known in more than the stage direction he gave during rehearsal; then in the private sessions where he takes the actor aside and schools him in his role. The personae then know how to perform, how to act as they go about the world that day. This is that which visualization provides.

In a Gurdjieffian sense, the brain is part of the body and the personae are the riders of the analogous horse, or actors for the analogous director. The visualized states of being are those decided upon by higher level personae as desired states. The visualization is setting the mood for the performing personae.

All of this gets me closer to one of my aims, which is to have my thoughts, words, and actions reflect the ideals of my dailies. It will likewise move me to identifying more clearly what I want to do with my remaining lifetime. When I reflect on this I keep coming back to acting. I said it to Jim, I have lost my desire to trust others in organizations, but in a cast of players, it is my experience that one can trust his fellow actors to play their role as it is defined in the play. So I can participate in an organized creative activity and expect good results. The cast is dedicated to the performance and not personal aggrandizement or greed. This is one big difference between acting and business that makes it palatable to me; plus being in front of an audience and doing that of which the vast majority of others are fearful.

Like pool, golf, and sketching it is a skill that requires a lot of dedicated effort, work.