Ground Hog Day

Living with someone who has memory problems is a lot like the movie Ground Hog Day.  The same situations keep coming up and are resolved, only to reappear a little later as if never addressed previously.

There seem to be two categories of memory lapse.  One is not remembering what transpired and the other is not remembering that we already talked about this; both combined with a marked deficiency in imagination.

There is a need for me to keep my perspective and not remind her of any of this.  Although sometimes I simply say, I’m not going to tell you the answer to that again, I've already told you three times.  This sounds unkind but at the same time it is accepted as fact and we go on.  It also defends my sanity because after the third time it begins to freak me out.

It is important for us both to have some outlets for social intercourse.  The inclusion of others in our activities and the exclusion of each other in some activities allows for resetting the counters to zero in the patience department for both of us.

What worries me most is the lack of outside activities in which she is willing to participate.  After Xmas and the departure of the family, she became reclusive to the point of causing me some real concern.  If we go out, and we often do, it is always together to an event that I have suggested.  Rarely, if ever, does she suggest something.

Finally, after much encouragement, she ventured out to the wellness center and joined it to go to the therapy pool for exercise twice a week with some friends of hers.  This, in my opinion, was a big step forward in the process of getting out there.

The fact that she forgot that she drove the car to the wellness center and didn't discover the lapse until she came home with others to an empty garage didn't help any.  It was quite a shock to her.  In an unrelated accident she broke her shoulder and the aerobics went away for four months and is only now restarting, slowly.

It is my opinion that part of the problem is knowing that she has this memory deficiency frightens her and has led to a crisis of confidence.  She will have to overcome this in order to function independently and I think she knows this and is willing to give it a try.

It requires a lot of patience to see and hear this and not react to it except to ignore some or go back over what was done or said so she is reminded, over and over again.  This isn't difficult but has an effect on my ability to function.  There are times that I doubt my own memory of things but I’m reassured when I check it.

Where do we go from here?  “For better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, until death do us part” That is the deal.  We will stay here as long as we can.  I've seen the care in residential facilities for people who have to be there and it will be a last resort.

When mom had to have rehabilitation, she went to the best one in town and they almost killed her.  She was constipated so the weekly doctor visit resulted in instructions to give her a laxative.  This caused diarrhea and the nurse kept giving her the laxative!  

The food was way too much for her, so we brought hot soup and other nutrition to her on our own.  I swore then that she’d never go back to the hospital or a nursing home no matter what because they would only succeed in killing her.   I am of the same opinion still.

My strategy is to deal with it, one day at a time.  I am smart enough, objective enough, and caring enough to make the decisions that are necessary when they are necessary and not before.

This house is a masterpiece of convenience and livability.  The neighborhood is safe and the community is mixed both in age and ethnicity.  There is no reason to leave it except for the transportation aspect of it.

The next big hurdle will be when we lose our driving privileges.  That will be a shocker and may cause us to move out of this house.  That will come later because there is no age limit for a license, only capability to drive, i.e. see, hear, drive, and obey the law.

Who knows, there may come a time when mobility may be enhanced with cabs, shuttles, and mass transit being linked from the neighborhood, say the lodge, and a nearby shopping center providing a link to the rest of the city but there is much to be done for this to happen.

We are on our own, there aren't many, if any, others here that we can count on in any continuing way but paid assistance is available..  There are many that I can call upon for a favor here and  there but none that can come in on any regular basis should that become necessary and I don’t think it will.  And this is OK for the present and for the foreseeable future 

It would be to our great advantage to expand our social support system.  The women of the sorority are there for Carola.  If, and it is a big if, we could find a church to join that would not be onerous to me; that would be a big help.

There will, however, come a time in 15 years, or so, when neither of us will be able to take care of the other.  It is at that point that we will have to call upon the kids.  The timing is about the same as it was for my mom and dad, age 85 for them, but it will probably be a later for us.

So for planning purposes, there is nothing to be done at present except, of course, to maintain the health and vitality of this brain-body.  There are considerations for the future but they will be handled in due course.  Then the further out future will have to be addressed at some point—down the road a ways.