Winter Woe

This is a winter of discontent.  We have been hit by yet another winter storm that added ice to the already existing snow on the ground; it causes me to hunker down and write.  

Our activities are different when we're cooped up like this; appointments were kept yesterday because the storm didn't come through until later.  Two big ones were cancelled, however, and they will be added to the calendar to be made up.

It gives me a chance to be circumspect about matters that by themselves may not be worthy of a thousand words.  One of these is the matter of fear.  

The other day, when looking at the schedule coming up for performing, i.e. auditions and classes, I was gripped with a bit of anxiety that could have been fear.  So I took a longer, closer look at what I was feeling and decided that yes, it was.  But in taking this closer look I realized that while fear does enter into the picture, what we do when experiencing it makes all the difference in the world.

To be afraid is a normal response to an experience looming with which we have not dealt in the past.  We have many of these all the time but when they are scheduled, planned, and we are supposed to be prepared for them, the importance of our performance is magnified and the possibility of not being successful exists.  What we have here is a fear of not living up to our own expectations.

Be advised that fear has not held me back.  I have been in new and strange situations for most of my adult life.  I have not backed away from any of them regardless of my state of preparedness.  But this fear of not living up to expectations  is a factor with which I must deal each time; it is real.  Preparation will somewhat allay the fear but I have found that no amount of preparation is enough; the only way is to push through the performance, whatever the outcome, and it works.

Performing on stage or in film is a little different.  There is a script and there are rehearsals for performance and these tend to prepare one.  In performing, this fear is experienced at the audition, not on stage during the run.  It is the fear of not living up to what is expected of me.  This is quite interesting to me because until now it wasn’t all that clear just what it is that causes this fear or anxiety.

Having discovered the root cause may allow me to deal with it more successfully than in the past; or perhaps I need to simply reduce my expectations. 

A second matter that bears a few words is that of conversation.  I recently read a book about dialog and was made aware of an important observation on it, that conversation is a power struggle among those participating in it as one or more attempt to maintain control of thoughts being expressed.

Observations of me and others in conversation bear this out.  All too often one will change the subject in an attempt to redirect the conversation to one of his choosing, or will put a spin on it to shift it to more align with his mode of thinking or expression.  In fact he is all the while attempting to subordinate the other(s) to his thinking.  This is the power struggle that can occur in conversation if the participants are not consciously aware of it.

It is interesting to note that one who is exerting his influence in the conversation at present may have been more passive until now and may again be passive later; and so on around the circle.  It seems that assertion and passivity are directly related to the amount of psychic energy available in the individual at the time and when it is spent it is gone until it again is replenished in some manner.

The relative placement of the participants in a hierarchy is also a determinant of whose is “in charge” of the conversation.  This is especially true in political situations where the power structure is not defined by a charter.   

It is the rebellious subordinate who attempts to wrest the power of leadership in conversation and exert his position; an astute leader must then deal with this rebellion.    The more experienced and accepted the leader, the easier it is to deal with a rebellious subordinate.  There are, however, subordinates who will not be silenced; a great example is Corporal Napoleon Bonaparte.

A third idea to be expounded is that of personal course work.  It occurred to me that my formal education has given me the necessary ability to formulate courses of instruction that I can follow without going to a place such as a school for material structured by someone else.

Some of my endeavors require more knowledge before I can get the results for which I am looking; two of these are Actor and Playwright.  To this end I went the library, which has an extensive collection of books on the subjects, and selected three that seemed most aligned with the direction I want to take.

It follows that to spend between one and two hours, three times a week for the fifteen weeks studying the contents of these, and other books, and doing the work described by the authors in the forewords, prefaces and introductions of their books, I would be completing the equivalent of a college course.  So that’s what I’m doing.

A fourth issue is that of video auditions.  I did one yesterday and I’m not happy with the results even though I haven’t seen them.  The format was the same as all the many before this and I am not encouraged to think that it will be successful.  

If I was comparing me and a more polished actor, I would choose him.  I must do something about this and aside from recording “selfie” auditions I don’t know what that would be.  Help!