The Going

There is the level to which we aspire, then there is the level at which we are. There are differences in our mind about these perceptions. Where we are is a level of which we aren’t necessarily aware. Others see us. They, along with us, approve/ disapprove, judge competency and status, and generally form an overall opinion. These opinions are worthless to us except that when they are generally held they can either support or destroy.

The level to which we aspire is an ideal. It is attainable but at the same time a moving horizon which continues at a distance whereto we never arrive no matter how fast we go. There is no there; the finish line is moving, fixed only at death.

This moving horizon is one of the most important realizations one can have. When a child we see teenagers and aspire to be one, then we aspire to adulthood. As an adult we aspire to levels of recognition or achievement, or both, and while others may see us as having “made it” we always strive for the next whatever. It may be a skill, a job, possession, partner, and/or amount of money, recognition in the form of a medal, award, or board membership. There is always that which we would have but don’t.

Others observing us form opinions ranging from admiration through indifference to envy and even hatred. These opinions are a matter of comparison to their own situation. When they are engaged in the pursuit of s.t. and see one who is likewise engaged, they can be positive and constructive and admire, study, and model. When they are frustrated by their own fruitless pursuit, the negative emotions come out in the form of envy and even hatred.

We, on the other hand, are only casually aware of our achievement. Working for it over a long period of time, it creeps up on us and we are comfortable with our performance as we move on. For the most part we aren’t even aware of the level we have attained. We see signs of recognition and discount them as not being all that important. All the while we are working for achievement we incrementally raise the bar to a higher level and don’t dwell on where we are but rather where we are going.

Acceptance is the bane of growth. When we accept ourselves as being you name it, we are no longer engaged in the pursuit of an ideal. This is the end of personal growth and it can come at any age or it can be avoided at any age. An actor who upon receiving an Oscar decides that he has reached the summit of his success will fade from the screen and be forgotten except by historians.

There are those who upon achieving a modicum of success in a field, abandon it and take up another. I am one of these. It seems that reaching the pinnacle of success is not my goal in life. For me it is like sailing; the pleasure is in the going not the arriving. As I reflect on my life from the vantage point of more than 70 years, I see that keeping my interest stimulated in a pursuit is paramount. If I feel that there is no more to be discovered, learned, or devised, I am likely to lose interest and leave the field. Levels of money, position, power, and fame have been side effects of some of my activities but not the motivation.

Sometimes I think that these have been deterrents for me. I have no basis for dealing with great amounts of any one of them much less all of them. I’ve been in situations where any or all of them could have come my way but I found a way out and demurred for one reason or another.

Understanding that they can come along with achievement may have been a reason for not making it. The scepter of capability arises but as I look at others, I can see that I am as whatever as they except in the willingness to take the plunge. So far, and it is quite far, I have not made the connection between capability and recognition (money, position, power, and fame.)

One conclusion I am reaching is that it just doesn’t happen without setting one or all of them as a goal and taking steps to achieve it. There isn’t a panel of experts sitting in the wings looking at the billions of people in the world and saying, “Aha! There’s our next hero.” No, it is incumbent on the hero to make his reputation, exploit his meager capabilities, and step into the spotlight at every opportunity. Then a swell of recognition will begin to rise and if it takes form may raise him to that status. The decision has to be made; the desire recognized, the work has to be done; humbly asking for help, compromises made, and sacrifices offered then, with persistence and unity of being, success will be achieved.

There is another take on this. The money, position, power, and fame of today are forgotten tomorrow. Is it more important to be satisfied with one’s efforts and position and take life as it comes? One can spend his lifetime chasing some holy grail and be satisfied that he did the best he could or one can spend his life chasing money, position, power, and fame; come up short and die disappointed.

“To thine own self be true” is the advice to follow. If one can see the path to glory and decide to take it; he must enjoy the walk as he goes; here and there will be interesting people, starts and stops, a wonderful view, a comfortable inn in which to rest, then once again out on the endless road, perhaps the yellow brick road toward the skyline of the Emerald City. But he must remember his goal is the corner office on the thirtieth floor of 10th and Milam in Houston Texas.

Lights, Camera, Action

My last blog is revealing to me. It identifies me as a person who lacks passion; who isn’t sold on the idea that what he is doing and what he is about is worth getting excited about. That just isn’t true but it would, I think, seem that way to anyone who was involved with me. I could take those things where I am involved with others and look at them objectively to see if any passion is evident but first I need to address the word, the concept of passion.

It is getting a little trite and it came out of an equally overused word, enthusiasm. For my purposes we need to forget that it is trite, forget that it is overused and not worry or concern myself with coming up with a euphemism or a replacement for the word. I am going to use the two words as if they represent new and unique concepts in my thinking; then if another word comes up that works, I will also use it.

I know from experience that the place where enthusiasm has to come is from within; one has to feel enthusiasm for that with which he is dealing, it cannot be faked. The lack thereof can be from fatigue, from bad experiences remembered, from something less than a favorable impression of the situation. The way around this is to remember that there is a way to jump start, or do a warm up exercise. A method to do this follows the 4th Way, and it is to say that there are within me certain other enthused personae who may be not be involved with the present situation that requires same and these can be called upon to work with the not enthused to get them going.

This hurdle is the most critical that must be overcome when dealing with a situation. It is a method used in acting as well. One substitutes the role playing situation with a real-life situation that required the same emotional involvement.

The transference takes place and the character takes on the emotion that the real-life situation evoked. This method can be used without fail in any situation that arises on stage or in real-life. When going into a situation that requires an emotional response, simply recall a similar situation from which a desirable outcome was obtained, find the feeling that you had at the time, feel it again and transfer that to this one.

This is easier said than done. It reminds me of the “holy grail of pool” where one makes the object ball and leaves the cue ball in the best position possible to make the next object ball. Or the “holy grail of golf” where on a par 4, one drives the ball 250 yards down the fairway, then hits his second shot to the green and putts the ball into the hole for a birdie. Both of these are easy to express, just as easy as the previous paragraph. But the skill required to make these happen can’t be underestimated. The same type of concentration, circumspection, and control required to call upon performing personae is required in interpersonal situations in life or on stage as in golf or billiards.

These two games are especially analogous to acting because all the while one is taking his turn he is being watched, he is acting and reacting to conditions that are extant on the table or course, he is thinking, using his controlling personae but at the same time attempting to allow his performing personae the freedom of action required to be successful. The controlling personae have a way of getting in the way of the performing personae if they aren’t shunted aside at the optimal point in time before the action commences. This is true in any context be it social, competitive, business, or stage.

It takes a lot of hard work have this become one’s modus operandi. The realization that one has to be able to do s.t. and not just talk a good game is a valuable insight that this one realized some time ago. The amount of work required to be skilled at golf or pool is nothing compared to the amount of work required to become a skilled actor, both on the stage and in the real-world sense. Aside: a good actor brings the real-world of experiences to the stage role he is playing.

Whenever lacking a coach for these games and acting, I have to rely on my controlling personae to be able to glean information from published sources and through observation of more skilled practitioners. Then my controlling personae become the coach/ trainer for the performing personae. Success can be had with perseverance; of course, if an external trainer or coach is available, one can shorten the learning curve and increase his level of confidence more quickly. This second aspect, confidence, is fundamental to performance but we are getting off track. The sublimation of successful emotional responses can be achieved with trial and error if one has the patience to observe himself in situations.

The controlling personae are collectively analogous to the director of a play; he has a large influence on what the actors do during rehearsals but the play is on when it is being performed. This is part and parcel of the 4th Way; it is what Gurdjieff, Nicole, and others were talking about when they preached self-observation.

The performing personae need to be reminded before the action takes place that emotional content is important, enthusiasm begets positive reinforcement from others. Assuming the role of the enthused participant is the starting point and emotional content can be increased or decreased as necessary to fit the action taking place. The controlling personae have the responsibility to take the initiative and get the performing personae “on stage” with the right level of emotion. Those on stage are then required to perform spontaneously. The emotional level displayed cannot be seen as contrived but must be genuine, which is possible with hearkening back to similar past experiences.

The Invisible Man

I want to explore my observed approach to life and, more specifically, others. In a nutshell I am a fearful person; perhaps more or less so than others but about others makes no difference to me. I tend to try to make my way in the world without causing anyone else difficulty of any kind; to be with people but not make a bad impression on them. Right away I can see this is a defensive position. If you were to ask anyone who knew me casually I doubt if they would have an opinion about me. There were times when I stepped up to what I felt needed saying or doing and did but there were many other times when I simply shrugged.

To say that I am fearful is much overly simplified and any objective analysis would identify it as pure baloney but it is partially true. Much of what I say and do is governed by fear; fear of one thing or another but mostly fear of being compromised or put at a disadvantage by another; to be beaten at whatever psychological or monetary game is being played during the instant.

If I am feeling the least bit unfit for social intercourse, I demur. Yet if another brings it to me, I respond appropriately. This is true whenever I don’t have an agenda; if I am asking for s.t., I tend to take the initiative and get involved even if I don’t know the other. I must admit that I am not afraid to ask, afraid to act, afraid to take risk, afraid to step through the doorway into the unknown.

Rarely will I take the initiative to push an agenda that could be seen as controversial, be it social, political, or intellectual. And this is probably where the fear factor comes in—it is a fear of being identified with an unpopular idea and become socially unacceptable. Or to create in another an opinion of me that is detrimental in some general way that could cause difficulty for me in some undefined future situation. Is this fear or caution? I think it is fear but based on experience.

Maybe I have self-knowledge that I have tendencies and predilections toward behavior that is unacceptable to most people and eschew same. And, because I am not sure of myself, tend to err on the overly cautious side and not do or say s.t. I tend to gravitate to people who have a certain set of values, values that I share for the most part but not all the time.

I seem to care too much that some of my behavior could easily offend and that some friendships and associations would cease. But then, it makes me so bland as a result that the friendships and associations are lukewarm to the point of being meaningless.

This is in the category of making my way in the world without causing anyone else any difficulty of any kind. When I am out and about, I usually don’t initiate contact with a stranger. When I do, it is more an invitation to him/her to respond so I can judge whether or not I will continue the correspondence. My tendency is to ignore rather than engage. When I engage with another, it is superficial and certainly doesn’t invite the other to ask of me. When I finish a transaction, the impression I’ve made is so superficial that the other will forget me within minutes. It is only after repeated and prolonged interaction that I am able to make an impression, and even then it is often one of blandness. The stated opinion would be that this guy doesn’t have much passion about him one way or the other. So, like my so-called friends and associates, all with whom I come in contact simply go on about their business as if I had never been seen or heard.

And yet, there are those who I see after not having seen for a long time that latch on to me as if I was some sort of long lost relative. I put this to the fact that when we did interact there was a favorable impression made that they remember and value. This causes me some concern because it causes me to redouble my effort not to offend and often simply go along with anything and everything they say and do. This causes me some concern because it seems somewhat duplicitous. Yet, the time or two that I expressed my true opinion of an effort they made, it caused a rift that was never again bridged. People are so sensitive but some never forget a slight. Well, in fairness, neither do I but I am often willing to forgive and forget.

It is my competitive nature that gets in the way of action because of an innate unwillingness to get into a situation wherein I can’t see the possibility of winning it. It isn’t so much fear as it is losing. If I can’t see a win, I tend to give up. This is troubling for me in almost any competitive endeavor. The problem for me is that I see most social intercourse as some sort of competition with the other, where I want to win the encounter on some even undefined level of play. Where I can’t see the win, I tend to withdraw, no second effort, not interested in making the supreme sacrifice, not interested in getting angry or contentious about it. Give up and let the other have the day. I don’t know if this is good or bad but this is the way it is, for now anyway.

Games, business, and contests aside, the answer here is one of my recently coined dailies: expressing my feelings forthrightly, I am assertive. Instead of retreating from the field of encounter, it would be advantageous if I wanted to keep the relationship to let my feelings be known. If the other is interested in maintaining the relationship, he/she will have to respect these feelings and we can go on.