Oil and Water

Friday, October 16, 2009

It’s a down day; I slept until 10am and still feel like I could sleep some more. I planned to do this because yesterday there was a certain base level of fatigue that showed up in my performance in class and in public generally. When I review what I’ve been doing I see that there has been a lot of physical activity and perhaps I need a day of rest. Today is that day. Although I may go for a walk at about 4:30pm in order to get my circulation up for the pool match tonight.

Self-doubt is a constant companion to me. Whenever I expose my actions to anyone, I feel threatened; that’s the right word but it needs to be explained a little bit. It isn’t a feeling that I am physically threatened but being opened to question and ridicule; questions that I can’t anticipate and, therefore, feel that I would answer inappropriately and get myself into a bind, and ridicule, being seen as inferior/stupid.

I’ve been aware of this ever present critic for a long time so this isn’t new to me. It seems that she comes out whenever I do something new or even when I don’t do it. It is an emotional response to something and I’m not sure what. If I call s.o. to do s.t., especially if it is new, while I’m making the call I get these feelings of doubt: should I be asking this, will I be thought somehow being seen as inferior, is this s.t. I should/ shouldn’t be doing, am I going to get into trouble about this, am I being a pest, are people seeing me as needy, am I needlessly calling attention to myself?

And yet I know that all of the above is irrational. People have their opinion of me; what I say and do first of all tends to reinforce that opinion and only secondly could begin to change that opinion if enough evidence is offered to reinforce a new and changed opinion. It is my experience after listening to many personal accounts, after seeing evidence to support it in the actions of others, that people willingly change their opinion of s.o. else rather quickly if the other exhibits a willingness to improve.

I sent Emails to Rinda, Prof Tompkins, Prof RussV inviting them to see our production of Zadig. It is a perfectly legitimate thing to do. Yet right up to the time that I was composing the Email, there was self-doubt about doing such a thing. Irrational, yes it is, and I recognized it as such and went ahead and sent the messages. RussV already replied saying he couldn’t attend but that doesn’t bother me. A cynical one in here says some awful things but they are ignored. Rationally I can accept all three of them not being at the performance.

People are interested in others because we have personae that are influenced by the social source, one of the six sources of thought/action that we have. In me there are intellectually sourced personae who attempt to fathom the interest of others and somehow influence it to my advantage; to build esteem, to be bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, more (you name it) than I/we really are. These personae want to be respected players of whatever game; it is as if they want to be king of the hill in all instances.

These personae, or maybe others, have an additional feature,; they are competitive, which probably flows out of the instinctive source. They see every other being as a competitor who has to be bested; not only every other being but every other circumstance, be it a game, a deal, a skill, possessions, knowledge, capability, or relationship. They seem to come away with wanting to be better than everyone/ everything else.

The marriage of intellectually sourced and emotionally sourced personae is not working out very well in this being; it is almost as if they are oil and water. The emotional are less developed than the intellectual and others. The complicating feature of a being is that all personae have a mixture of all six sources and are recognizable as being one or the other only by the predominant ingredient. In this one it is intellectual, then instinctive, then social, then moving, then emotional, then sexual. Sexual has taken the lowest position on the influence totem probably due to age. So in personae that are predominantly emotional, the intellectual ingredient is not sufficient to allow rational analysis to equivocate the situation at hand. Ergo, an irrational response is observed by others; other beings and/or other personae of this being.

It is a tribute to intellectual personae to note that I (this being) have developed a whole series of analytical charts in order to understand emotional responses. They are logical, cogent, and rather complete as they examine all of the possible ranges of emotional responses to situations. The Intellectual can imagine/ reason/ deduce/ infer/ and then make decisions, these are the tools that the intellectual has available to it in the brain-body. The intellectual think that by understanding they can somehow be comfortable or cure a situation whereas the emotional have to experience. This underscores this rift that exists.

The emotional have to act and experience the results of that action in order to comfortably function in situations; the tools of the intellectual are not useful for situations that affect the emotional. The fear factor in this being, which is predominantly intellectual, is not being able to respond appropriately using and tools with which he is comfortable and furthermore not knowing what tools are available to the emotional. What could they be? This will have to be the subject of a later installment.

Leaving this installment with another contrast between the two sources; the intellectual require a lot of time to work out a solution to a new situation whereas the emotional operate on a quick response basis. Almost like instinctive, they realize that a response to a situation that involves them needs to be made on the spot. It is the difference between correspondence and conversation. This may be why we developed one for business, financial, and legal matters and allow the other for less important/less permanent situations.

Contact

Monday October 12, 2009

There was an unusual scenario that played itself out in my mind’s eye this morning. I sat to meditate with the express intention of putting into practice one of Jim Scorches’ techniques, one that he told me to try; he didn’t tell me the content, but the technique.

I have been struggling with his instruction/ request, “What would you like it to be like in six months?” That’s April 2010. My response has been less than specific because I have in place a full set of goals and objectives for this year and will do likewise for next year when the time is right; i.e. from the solstice to the New Year. I suppose I’m having trouble with his request because if I knew what I wanted I wouldn’t need his help to find and articulate it.

And yet this isn’t fair, it’s just that we are on different pages. I am struggling to eliminate that which is hindering me from opening the doors of my imagination and he is sitting there thinking all I have to do is say what it is I want to do. I don’t have a frame of reference for it. One of my previous blogs went into all of this. My visions contain two possibilities, one is acting in productions, and the other is participating in a business venture with others. The similarity of the two is not lost on me. The difference is the composition of the players. In the acting/productions alternative, the actors are pursuing a common goal, to be part of a successful production as well as their personal success. In the other, my experiences lead me to believe that the others are more interested in sacrificing the desired end result in favor of satisfying their greed.

I suppose being able to recognize the tendency of people to enrich themselves at the expense of the common good is s.t. that causes me a problem in looking at others; being able to deal constructively with them in an unknown environment. OTOH knowing that people are like this and building it into the business model along with protections against advantages being taken would allow one to bring others in to the organization.

The other side of the coin is that one has to be ready to operate without any one person/member because the grass is always greener and they will quit on a moment’s notice to get some sort of perceived improvement in their lot. On the third side/ the edge of the coin/ when there is a person like Albert Pujoles one has to get out his checkbook and satisfy whatever; this in the case of a small business could be a “piece of the action.” These are a lot of words to say that the greed thing is real, it is recognized, and if one wants to bring others into the organization he has to deal with it and be able to reconcile the consequences.

Then there’s a desire for more than money, for power over the dominant leader. This, like money, is s.t. with which many otherwise nice people get enthralled. They want to call the shots, especially if you tell them all the secrets of the operation. An actor wants to direct, a player wants to manage, and a worker wants to be boss. Only in a play is the actor required to remain through the end of the run. I am somewhat discouraged about being involved in a business.

This is why I am struggling so mightily with Jim’s question. I am discouraged, fearful, isolated, insulated, inhibited, and unable to deal effectively with the possibility of opening up to others with my requests for either a role or a job. This is at least one thing that is preventing me from seeing the opportunities that may be ready to be exploited. If there are lots of green objects lying about and one is wearing green filter glasses, he won’t see them.

Part of the answer to Jim’s question is a desire to take off the filters that are preventing me from seeing the opportunities that are lying about; and I’m convinced that there are a multitude of them. The experience I had this morning was a step in that direction; towards taking off the blinders, towards answering his question.

So this morning may have been another step in this direction. I imagined me going into the Rio Movie Theater. I like to recall this theater because I remember the deep blue and purple color scheme, art deco doors with such handles and round viewports, the illuminated flat statuary on the walls, the glass case concession stand in the lobby and a host of other details.

As I passed through the doors into the seating area, hundreds of personae burst out of me and took their seats. Each was behaving as he would, some were rowdy and boisterous, others were reserved and quiet, and all were animated because this was, indeed, something new. The brain-body, empty of personae, walked to a seat on the aisle, not far from the front.

Then, as would a violin emerge from a plain case, Master made his appearance from the brain-body. The audience was hushed as he made his way to center stage. Never before had his presence been seen; he often makes it felt in his inimitable way, as influence rather than sight or words. His normal way is to press but not react, so that if the results aren’t what he wants he simply waits for the next opportunity; he has eternity.

He stood there, resembling the crystal figurine but now not a figurine but the animated Master himself. He is mute, he didn’t speak, but his gestures left no doubt in the crowd of personae; there has to be an end to doubt, fear, and the distractions that deter his development. The sitting by idly while lifetime passes is no longer an option; participating in a less than a whole hearted manner cannot be tolerated; emotional responses need to be registered and discounted for what they are, distractions from getting the desired results.

One can only speculate on what desired development means for Master, one can be reassured that some personae will/ are permanent to the being and as he develops in ways that only he can know, so will they develop and move on with him to a new lifetime. His message was clear, stop marking time; get on with it, whatever it is. Do something, even if it’s imperfect.

Finalement

Sunday, October 11, 2009

It’s Sunday and time to do some plotting and scheming. My sessions with Jim Schorche are having their effect, although not like a brass band on parade. It is subtle, my attitude towards me, my picture of me, and my concept of how others may see me are all changing, evolving into something else. It seems that being impressive is no longer an issue.

Jim’s suggestions about being able to see what is desired have been problematical; I haven’t been able to articulate them until now. The visual that is coming clear to me is one of Master rising from his pallet, yawning and stretching. He looks about, in his radiant beauty, and sees the rank and file of personae looking at him wiht receptive attention. Those that were fooling around with each other, inattentive, and distracted are paying attention as well. This is the sign for which he has been looking. Now he can get on with what he wants to do with this lifetime. He knows that there is less span of lifetime available but likewise he knows that there is enough to accomplish much. He also knows that he has as many lifetimes as it takes to develop into the eternal being that he seeks to become. So, now he can get on with it.

Having this visualization is as important an accomplishment as there has ever been. Master can now direct the activities of the being instead of some personae interfering with his plans. It isn’t important to recognize, name, or identify the distracted personae, only to recognize that they do and will exist. Like the teacher in front of the class, this visualization calls them out of their self interested actions to attention to get the assignment coming down. This is another way of saying that it isn’t important to know the genesis of non-cooperative personae; they can be dealt with by reminding all that our fundamental purpose is to support the development of Master.

It remains to be seen if Master will share his vision of into what he wants to develop. It could be that he has only a vague idea of what that may be and is feeling his way along as well. Master is mute, or at least he remains remote. We, the combined group of personae and brain-body, continue to work to understand where he wants to go, at least whenever we’re not satisfying our own appetites.

"It seems that being impressive is no longer an issue." This, on the surface, is a simple statement but when one realizes all of what I did to impress, one can see that not doing so will mean a great deal to me. The efforts are/were mostly wasted because what others’ opinion of me is based on more than what I say and do; and I have no control over it and my opinion of me seems now to have changed to be more realistic.

While I won’t go so far as to say that everything I said and did was to impress, much of it was. Then there was another in me who would not talk about the daring deeds unless prodded to do so, which rarely happened. I think back over my endeavors and see that they all began as a quest for fun and accomplishment but in almost every case playing to the grandstand began to take over and the mutual satisfaction of doing for the sake of doing and for the sake of impressing was the reward.

The one I am/was trying to impress turns out to be me; that’s why talking about the deeds didn’t make much difference. I was busy proving to me that I was a superior human being and I was quite serious about it. A lot of this goes back to the Rolla experience. That was so emotionally damaging to me, I recognized it a long time ago, and only now am I coming to reconcile the whole experience. Until now it, and minor failures along the way, have evoked an emotional response. The Rolla experience was like being convicted of a crime, serving the time, and then trying to prove to the world/me that I am better than that; even after rationalizing it over and over again. This is still the case to some extent with my endeavors, but now that I recognize this motive it is easier to get past it and perform simply for enjoyment and the satisfaction of doing something well.

Another argument that I was only trying to impress me is my reluctance to talk about my deeds; doing so would open them to scrutiny and in my heart I knew that they weren't that big a deal; I did whatever and that was enough for me. An objective 3rd party may argue that what I did was trivial, that it didn’t deserve accolades, and that it was more of a “so-what?” than worthy of applause. And yet to me it was a mountain top experience that I didn’t want anyone taking away.

The end result of all of this is a realization that this lifetime has turned out to be mediocre. Here sits a well-equipped being that had all the capability of anyone else but only played support roles, never the star of a major show, in this lifetime and perhaps prior lifetimes as well. In all fairness he excellently executed /performed the roles he played.

It begs the question, why not a star? The answer lies not in the qualities of this physical brain-body because it has all the necessary to accomplish anything that Master may want. The being has experiences, personae are created and they have a definite effect on what the being does/doesn’t do. In this case it is/was a group of personae with high emotional content created to deal with perceived inferiority and fear of being seen as same by others. In this case the personae created to cope with the failure were problematical and Master said ok this isn’t going to work out too well until the situation is resolved; I’ll just wait. Master is patient; he knows all of this and works with it as best he can because he has an eternity to do so.

The Big Three

Sunday October 4, 2009

Jim Schorche said to think about what I would like life to be like in six months, that would be April, 2010. It would have something to do with participating proactively in life.

Ok, what’s wrong with this picture? Here it is Sunday, the sky is bright blue, not a cloud, the temperature is 57 degrees, a bit cool, and I am sitting here in the windowless cave listening to Beethoven and doing my plotting and scheming for the week ahead.

There’s a golf course out there with my name on its membership list, there are horses out there nibbling on grass in pasture, there are people at church, lunch, or community places talking and having a good time interacting; and I am sitting here in the windowless cave doing my plotting and scheming for the week.

There are people out there without company, as I am here. There are opportunities galore for activities, relationships, friendships, and simply acquaintance; and I am sitting here in the windowless cave doing my plotting and scheming for the week ahead.

If one can’t answer the question on the first line, he is clueless. I am not clueless in seeing what’s wrong with it; I am, however, clueless in understanding what to do about it and how to go about it.

An objective observer, and I’ll take a stab at it although I know I’m not qualified, would say that here is a man who has an emotional problem. I say that with consideration because if one agrees that all motivation is caused by personae that are able to tap into six sources/wells, then one can see by observing this being that emotional motivation is somehow warped, i.e. unable to produce the kind of action/results that are desired.

This same observer would itemize and analyze the status of the being according to the sources as follows: emotionally he is below par; intellectually he is above par; moving he is at par or slightly above; socially he is reactionary v. proactive; sexually he is almost dead; instinctively he is above par.

It is also important to recognize the relative strength of these sources. The stronger displace the weaker in situations. There are personae who are primarily one source or another, although all personae have content from all the sources, and those that are primarily stronger displace weaker. It is a matter of survival in some cases and always a matter of coping with circumstances. The strongest source is Instinctive, then Sexual, then Emotional, then Social, then Intellectual and finally Moving.

Take a situation where the safety of the being is in doubt; no matter what else is happening a persona with high Instinctive content will take over and act, and so on through all the sources. Intellectual is second only to Moving in weakness and this is precisely why a movement can be interrupted by thoughts. Often we hear the advice, don’t think during a golf swing yet this interruption by a persona of high intellectual content is often the cause of poor performance.

There are situations where personae of higher emotional content cause problems in achieving desired results usually, almost always, where other people are involved. These personae are irrational in their reluctance to act, yet they are strong enough to prevent the being from achieving desired results. The higher intellectual personae can figure it out, the moving can get him to the location, the others are quiet because they aren’t stimulated but something stimulates those with higher emotional content and it can only be categorized as fear.

Fear is a broad emotional category; one must ask, “Fear of what?” When personae of high instinctive center content perceive danger to the safety of the being, they pull out all the stops and take over. When personae of high emotional content perceive a danger to feelings of the being they tend to take over and redirect the actions/reactions to others.

Now one has to ask, “What feelings?” One set of feelings may involve recalling previous experiences of hurt and a desire to avoid repeating it. The hurt was probably caused by what was said or done by others; being shunned; i.e. judged as inferior, undesirable, or unworthy. There is probably a long list of such experiences and not one single, although picking one and analyzing it may be of some value.

There is a life progression from first memory on that allowed this to become a problem area. The neighborhood around the house had enough playmates to satisfy early needs for socialization. There are no memories of incidents that would have caused such personae to be created.

Then there was adolescence. Here I am looking for possible causes, and some could have come from this period. I made some choices that were not acceptable to parents and some others who felt they had some say in what I would do. I came to feel that I my judgment was not good, that I made poor decisions. And indeed I did; even until now I see that I am capable of making poor choices of what to do or not do. Memories of the pain caused by the poor choices causes me to feel a self-doubt.

A second set of memories has to do with McBride HS and the social structure there. I was a follower because I didn’t have a clear objective in mind and, therefore, didn’t excel in anything. I did some things that were grade B, good, but nothing exceptional. Yet even with this handicap I was elected to the Student Court and served well enough to get words of praise from one of the faculty. Furthermore I got the impression that my home circumstances were somehow subpar; things were not as good as I thought they were; so this increased the self-doubt and, furthermore, caused me to feel inferior.

Then the big one, Rolla; this became the hermetically sealed glass case in which self-doubt, inferiority, and failure are kept. What followed was a lifetime, from 1958 to present of overcoming the feeling that somehow others look upon me as a failure. Being laid off from Tenneco wasn’t a big deal but the job search which followed did much to reinforce the aspect of being seen as a failure in the eyes of others. The Executrain experience and the years following it have likewise reinforced these feelings.

I am a reasonable, rational person and take issue with these feelings. “Emotional responses are irrational,” but it is difficult to deal with irrationality. There is the rational response model but it exists in those personae that have higher intellectual source content without affecting those with higher emotional content. This is why making the response at the exact moment of the experience is so important; unanswered emotional responses seem to get set in place and are harder to move aside as time goes on. They are like cement, they have some time before they become set where they can be hosed off; but once set, with memory being the aggregate, the strength of the block gets stronger. The only way to get rid of concrete is with destructive forces greater than the binding forces.

Maybe it isn’t that bad. Maybe one can change his perceptions without drastic psychological intervention. I don’t know. It is easy to deal with it on other levels but not emotionally. The memories are set. I need some help here.

An interesting strategy that I employ is to get involved in new activities, where failure is not immediately an issue. If I’m not supposed to be good at s.t. it is okay not to be plus people think I can be so I get a lot of attention while learning. If I am supposed to be good at s.t., then when I’m not, I am a failure. By never staying involved to the point of being required to be good or starting over again and again, I avoid the scepter of failure.

So, now that I have restated from whence they came, how can I eliminate the fear of making a poor choice, of being viewed as inferior, and being seen as a failure? One way may be to envision a state of consciousness that says I can trust my decisions, that I am unique, and that life is a funny game that I must play; sometimes I’ll win, sometimes I’ll lose, and sometimes it will rain; and that there will always be some people at the ball park who may talk about my performance.

Getting It

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The personal effects of mom were examined and mostly discarded by us. Not that we are disrespectful or anything like that; there is only so much room in the house and only value from mom’s point of view. There were, however, many pictures of us as a family as we were growing up. Many of these were not new to me and I enjoyed seeing them again. I can only say that it makes me feel sort of ordinary. We weren’t well-to-do that’s for sure. The clothes and settings in which the pictures were taken is proof of that; and yet I never felt disadvantaged, not even in the slightest bit but rather neutral about the whole issue of who and what we were. Our status was always ok.

The question of status started to dawn on me in the last few years we were in Newport News. We had little or none there, of which we were aware, that’s for sure, didn’t need any, didn’t want any, and didn’t care about it. I enjoyed some celebrity as a muckety-muck in the shipyard but was well aware that there was a tier of higher status people. There were those who had the highest level of positions, mine was in the second tier, second highest, and I was pretty happy about that. Then in Houston, there was none even though we enjoyed a relatively high position in the company. It was like the Pentagon where officers are the norm. Then in Wisconsin, and in Europe, there was none; we were not in a social circle other than the sorority in Houston. There just didn’t seem to be a fit for us; that had been true all along, even until now. When we came here, it became something of an issue with me because we had to establish ourselves as members of the small business community vending to other business entities.

We joined the Chamber of Commerce, the International Cultural Center, the Rotary Club, Sales and Marketing Association, the Kentucky World Trade Center and I became the Honorary French Consul for Kentucky. We participated and Carola was most uncomfortable at most of the events.

I’ve examined this before and found that while I am a willing participant in and joined social circles, Carola is not and didn’t want to participate. It is more important to me to not put her in situations where she isn’t comfortable. She eschews what I would like to do and we’ve pretty much gone our separate ways except that I support her and the sorority and she has lent some support to me and mine. We are two different people, that’s for sure.

What’s new now in my thinking is an understanding that we are indeed independent of social status. There are many around us who give a lot of thought to it, who interact within a societal group, who are invited here and there to parties and events and know each other’s name rank and serial number but we don’t; in fact we are not parties of interest, have little or no influence and power. You won’t see us in the newspaper on the society page, although you will see us in the front row here and there when it is appropriate. When we do it’s because of a specific little reason and not that we are generally famous, rich, and powerful. We get our few moments in the spotlight and it’s fun when it happens; we don’t kid ourselves into thinking that we are generally well-known.

There are those to whom being socially involved is important, and furthermore it is important to them to be involved with only those who reinforce their self esteem. I noticed at Milestone at the noon class that there was a group who socialized with evenings out and going to events. These were people who were born and raised here and who had a long history with each other. To join into this group was possible but not practical; one would be a Johnny-come-lately for at least a generation. Those who seemed to express a need/desire to form such a social circle were not deemed desirable in my view so we didn’t/don’t.

This writing today seems to be going nowhere but it is clarifying something for me. My sense of self-image, of who I am v. what I would like others to think I am is s.t. that gets in my way from time to time. It is one of the big distractions in the 4th Way and even has a name. It is called Inner-considering and is closely aligned with what others may call self-consciousness but it goes a little further than self-consciousness. All of what I said about seeking approval/ avoiding disapproval is tied into it as well. And it has nothing to do with what others are thinking but is entirely what I am thinking about me.

It occurs when certain personae get into inner considering and, if not recognized and stopped, cause much wasted psychic energy. This is an important realization and one that will tend to allow me to increase my reservoirs of psychic energy by not spending it foolishly on this sort of thinking.

The horse trials analogy, doing a cross-country obstacle course, is in play all the time. My approach to life has to be that, to take obstacles as they come, handle encounters and situations extemporaneously as they occur without forgetting that the rider has the option to walk the course, i.e. the desired result can be described based on what I want but then handle the details of situations as the arise.

This is my planning evolution file. I do it for the year and then the week. What needs to be reminded, recalled, restated, repeated are the desired states, and although I do this on Sunday mornings, I don’t do it in the required meditative state. This allows communication with Master. Doing this and the elimination of cynicism, replacing it with admiration, and judging, replacing it with forgiveness, will do much to allow this being named John Lina, to accomplish whatever it is he wants to do.

The Bad Actors

Friday, October 1, 2009

The words came out of my mouth in the presence of another human being; “I do things, rather I don’t do things because I seek to avoid perceived disapproval.” Yes, this is a breakthrough for me; they are words that I’ve said to myself but never to another who could disapprove of such a sentiment.

I am curious as to why I am so approval oriented. It could be the effect on my psyche of early training by people of influence, it could be the experience of what was considered inappropriate behavior; it could be the voice of a persona who is a prig who is the result of all of the above. And I think it is this latter proposition that holds the key.

Personae are created to deal with situations that come up in our lifetime; they become reinforced by use, and permanent when used frequently enough. Then, if they are considered apropos by Master, they may become permanent across lifetimes.

 Personae can help or hinder; they are created to cope with situations so for at least their first appearance they are helpful. It is when they reappear at inappropriate times that they become a hindrance; such as Ferd, the fighter, when he comes out in an otherwise polite discussion.

So it is with this approval seeking and disapproval avoiding persona who may have been appropriate, or may even be appropriate in certain circumstances but when he becomes the pre-eminent arbiter of behavior he is a hindrance. The primary emotion of this persona is fear; backed up by vanity because he doesn’t want others thinking he is somehow inferior; inner considering because he is rapt with how he/they feels others should be treating him; and imagination because he is attempting to be a certain something that he feels he is not.

This is the irony of the situation. Others make up their mind about what they observe and nothing I say or do can change that opinion; the opinion changes with every observation and the truth comes out over time.

One can appear on the golf course attired in the finest, with the latest equipment, the most expensive balls, and new tees; even hit his first drive perfectly down the middle of the fairway a distance of 250 yards and those observing his play will say, “Wow, what a great golfer.” Only to change their mind 90 times as they observe his play stroke by stroke. In the end they have a good mental assessment of his ability as a golfer and the way he reacts to changing situations. Nothing he says can change that; and so it goes in all aspects of life.

One trap into which I often fall is exactly this, I make a good first impression and then attempt to live up to it and I'm unable to do so. This is the folly that I have experienced over and over. Now that it is being laid bare, I see that it is primarily vanity and secondarily inner considering. There is a strong desire to be outstanding, to be the hero, to be able to do it all, to be the best of the best; and a suspension of the reality that it isn’t possible to be a natural anything. To be even good at anything requires hard work after one finds the parameters that allow same; and to be the best requires going beyond even that.

There are exceptions, the likes of Mozart, Paschal, and Shakespeare; all of whom were blessed with genius, found it, and exercised it. It could be that we all have some genius in us and we exercise it but it isn’t the genius that gets noticed. The desire to find my genius and have it recognized is a pitfall into which I fall. One of me is convinced that I am the smartest being that ever lived and wants others to recognize that fact. He is a delusional one because a Mozart this one is not.

Here I go; I can’t keep from saying that I can do a lot of things really well, almost all of my endeavors have been exercised excellently at one time or another. I have achieved leadership in every organization to which I have belonged, I have accomplished what others could not; I have done it all but it is not recognized by anyone except me; perhaps because others aren't aware of it. And this is the hitch: I am cynical when I hear myself trying to convince someone else that I have accomplished anything of note.

So here are the horns of the dilemma; one is an approval/disapproval issue and the other is cynicism directed at self. Both of these may be the same persona or two different personae working at or about the same time. The one seeking approval is sensing what he thinks others are thinking, and the cynical one is hearing what is being said and opining to the other personae in a negative way.

How to quiet these two? They cannot be killed; personae can’t be killed. They may go into the background and not be called forth but they cannot be killed. They may even die as the age and experiences of the being make them no longer viable. Or perhaps the age of the body is such that the fluids that produce the effect sought by a persona are no longer available and even though the persona wants to make his presence felt he cannot because the mix is no longer available.

Assuming that the age issue is not in play, how does one negate the effort of undesirable personae? One can only face the reality that they are there, and suppose that Driver has the power to keep them from getting control. How does Driver exercise his control? By being instructed by a higher power, i.e. Master, and Master can be influenced by other personae that make their case for banishing this one or that. Perhaps this case may be made more effectively, i.e. take less time, through the visualization/hypnosis technique that Jim Schorche, et al espouse. The meditative state may open a more direct line of communication with Master and then he can use his influence to achieve the desired result.

Adrift

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Yesterday was a butz. There wasn’t much via constructive activity that went on; I did the bills, stayed around the house all day, did my daily list and called McNeely Park w/o getting an answer, napped, walked, watched a little football, practiced pool, worked x-word puzzles, and watched a movie with Carola. Today is shaping up in a similar manner. I am about to do my weekly plotting and scheming and then whatever.

As I ponder the situation I am focusing on a void in my life; i.e. meaningful contact with others. It is a Catch 22 for me. On the one hand I enjoy the company of others but on the other I am loathe to participate with another in any meaningful way. I am suspicious, cynical, and judgmental. I see the actions of others and think the worst. I relate to strangers easier than those I know. The more of a stranger the other is, the easier it is for me to approach them and start a conversation. The better I know someone, the more difficult it is for me to share myself with them, mainly because my suspicion that they really don’t care is often reinforced by experience.

And why should they? Well, they shouldn’t and don’t. There is no reason for them to care about me or my situation especially since I don’t have a handle on what I want/need/ would like. And when someone does try to help me, to understand me, I tend to clam up and avoid their help and intervention. I am dissolving into a complete misanthrope.

An objective third party observer: here is a man who seldom leaves his house except to run errands, go to school, meetings, golf, pool, walk, or do the LTM. He has almost no social contact.

Let’s take the outings one at a time:
1. Errands- to where-ever interacting only with the clerk who is paid to attend;
2. School- to class twice per week, a class that is almost meaningless to him. It is French Theater Practicum and his involvement in French culture and language is almost nil. So, he goes to class, participates, makes little conversations with the other students who are 20-year olds, and then goes to the SAC and plays a little pool with whoever wants a game. In fact he is out of his element in this University setting; he has no reason to be there and he’s not contributing anything to the betterment of society or himself.
3. Meetings- Rotary club where he participates for the time he is at the meeting and does little else except what is requested of him. He is like a toad sitting in the grass, gulping the occasional insect. Then there’s the French conversation meeting on Thursdays where he wastes his time sitting with others who can speak the language better than he. Then there’s the weekly meeting with his counselor which is more like an errand, interacting with someone paid to do so.
4. Golf- a solo event in his life. He goes to the course without a playing partner, takes up with one if convenient, otherwise not.
5. Pool- here is a socially oriented activity. It is one time per week at the Billiards Club of Louisville where he is on a team, knows others in the place and minimally participates beyond the game.
6. Walk- completely solo event, often he is lost in thought as he makes his 5 km round.
7. LTM- there is some social contact involved in this; it is in Evansville IN and involves phone calls from time to time.

The common thread among all of these is their compartmentalization. There is no continuity of contact beyond the event itself. Even when he was president of the Rotary Club, it became a routine that involved almost no contact beyond that of the meeting itself. When involved in a theatrical production, there is the rehearsal and performance where there is meaningful involvement beyond the occasional meeting. And yet, even in the theatrical production, there is a tendency to become increasingly insular and put up barriers that avoid familiarity beyond what is involved in the performance. In UTC, he was the man who wasn’t there until almost the end.

Others are seen to have this tendency to keep to themselves; this unwillingness to be seen as one thinks he is. It is as if they are promoting an image which is not consistent with what they think they really am. And there is another take on this, perhaps what they are convinced that they are how they would like others to see them and are so different that that they don’t want it to show. Yet, in truth, what one is, is so plainly obvious to others that they see one who is trying to be something he’s not. OTOH there have been occasions when one or another came out; these have been monsters in action. Sometimes barbarous, other times crude and unsavory, and then simply bothersome but always scorned by those with whom he would have a relationship. It is as if others buy into the “juste et bon” only to find later that he’s not.

Being unwilling to bend to the will of others, to do what others would have, has been a hallmark of my life. I disdain family and friends as being unworthy of me. There have been a few “genuine” people whose acquaintance I’ve made but these were usually less than exemplary of knightly virtues. I saw them as living a life of experiences in lieu of being harnessed as was I; but I pulled my plough with the occasional walk on the wild side. Now my fields are in, the harvest is over and I am free but like the Prisoner of Chillon:

My very chains and I grew friends,
So much a long communion tends
To make us what we are: - even I
Regain'd my freedom with a sigh. –Byron

There are/were two sets of chains involved, one has been removed; that being responsibility for other people, kids, mother, and father. The other is still in place, the need to feel good about me; for approval/ acceptance/ respect/ adulation/accomplishment.