The Bad Actors

Friday, October 1, 2009

The words came out of my mouth in the presence of another human being; “I do things, rather I don’t do things because I seek to avoid perceived disapproval.” Yes, this is a breakthrough for me; they are words that I’ve said to myself but never to another who could disapprove of such a sentiment.

I am curious as to why I am so approval oriented. It could be the effect on my psyche of early training by people of influence, it could be the experience of what was considered inappropriate behavior; it could be the voice of a persona who is a prig who is the result of all of the above. And I think it is this latter proposition that holds the key.

Personae are created to deal with situations that come up in our lifetime; they become reinforced by use, and permanent when used frequently enough. Then, if they are considered apropos by Master, they may become permanent across lifetimes.

 Personae can help or hinder; they are created to cope with situations so for at least their first appearance they are helpful. It is when they reappear at inappropriate times that they become a hindrance; such as Ferd, the fighter, when he comes out in an otherwise polite discussion.

So it is with this approval seeking and disapproval avoiding persona who may have been appropriate, or may even be appropriate in certain circumstances but when he becomes the pre-eminent arbiter of behavior he is a hindrance. The primary emotion of this persona is fear; backed up by vanity because he doesn’t want others thinking he is somehow inferior; inner considering because he is rapt with how he/they feels others should be treating him; and imagination because he is attempting to be a certain something that he feels he is not.

This is the irony of the situation. Others make up their mind about what they observe and nothing I say or do can change that opinion; the opinion changes with every observation and the truth comes out over time.

One can appear on the golf course attired in the finest, with the latest equipment, the most expensive balls, and new tees; even hit his first drive perfectly down the middle of the fairway a distance of 250 yards and those observing his play will say, “Wow, what a great golfer.” Only to change their mind 90 times as they observe his play stroke by stroke. In the end they have a good mental assessment of his ability as a golfer and the way he reacts to changing situations. Nothing he says can change that; and so it goes in all aspects of life.

One trap into which I often fall is exactly this, I make a good first impression and then attempt to live up to it and I'm unable to do so. This is the folly that I have experienced over and over. Now that it is being laid bare, I see that it is primarily vanity and secondarily inner considering. There is a strong desire to be outstanding, to be the hero, to be able to do it all, to be the best of the best; and a suspension of the reality that it isn’t possible to be a natural anything. To be even good at anything requires hard work after one finds the parameters that allow same; and to be the best requires going beyond even that.

There are exceptions, the likes of Mozart, Paschal, and Shakespeare; all of whom were blessed with genius, found it, and exercised it. It could be that we all have some genius in us and we exercise it but it isn’t the genius that gets noticed. The desire to find my genius and have it recognized is a pitfall into which I fall. One of me is convinced that I am the smartest being that ever lived and wants others to recognize that fact. He is a delusional one because a Mozart this one is not.

Here I go; I can’t keep from saying that I can do a lot of things really well, almost all of my endeavors have been exercised excellently at one time or another. I have achieved leadership in every organization to which I have belonged, I have accomplished what others could not; I have done it all but it is not recognized by anyone except me; perhaps because others aren't aware of it. And this is the hitch: I am cynical when I hear myself trying to convince someone else that I have accomplished anything of note.

So here are the horns of the dilemma; one is an approval/disapproval issue and the other is cynicism directed at self. Both of these may be the same persona or two different personae working at or about the same time. The one seeking approval is sensing what he thinks others are thinking, and the cynical one is hearing what is being said and opining to the other personae in a negative way.

How to quiet these two? They cannot be killed; personae can’t be killed. They may go into the background and not be called forth but they cannot be killed. They may even die as the age and experiences of the being make them no longer viable. Or perhaps the age of the body is such that the fluids that produce the effect sought by a persona are no longer available and even though the persona wants to make his presence felt he cannot because the mix is no longer available.

Assuming that the age issue is not in play, how does one negate the effort of undesirable personae? One can only face the reality that they are there, and suppose that Driver has the power to keep them from getting control. How does Driver exercise his control? By being instructed by a higher power, i.e. Master, and Master can be influenced by other personae that make their case for banishing this one or that. Perhaps this case may be made more effectively, i.e. take less time, through the visualization/hypnosis technique that Jim Schorche, et al espouse. The meditative state may open a more direct line of communication with Master and then he can use his influence to achieve the desired result.