I’m in the middle of plotting and scheming for the week ahead and have the urge to write s.t. about what’s going on in my head at this time. We finished the run of Murder Behind the Curtain and Carola and I viewed the DVD of it last night as well. Then the time change occurred this morning so there’s an extra hour. These events have put me in a reflective mood, especially seeing the DVD.
My image didn’t seem strange to me but at the same time it makes me face the reality of how I look and sound and move. What I see is an old man who moves stiffly about, not the heroic image of an Odysseus. It’s a wonder that anyone in the acting business has anything to do with me. Yet people are kind and generally accept me, some have even given me the opportunity to go on stage and in front of the camera. A jaundiced person might say the pickings are slim in Louisville so you got the part. Another might say “To get what I want, I ask.”
At any rate, and for the record, I can readily see that I am no great shakes and need a lot of work. I am not going to make it on natural talent alone, because there is so little of it, but by virtue of hard work, showing up for rehearsal on time, knowing my lines, taking direction, being nice to others on the set, then performing flawlessly. I think the biggest thing I have to prevent is getting a high opinion of myself and thinking that I’ve been chosen because I have talent. It may be that the director gave me the part because of another cast member's recommendation. I keep getting encouragement from the other which makes me think he has a stake in my success.
I am in the same spot I’ve been in my whole life, starting out from nowhere and having to make something out of it. The pattern has been the same, now that I think about it, since the first time I was asked to sing s.t. in first or second grade. What came out of my mouth was a strange sound. I’d been singing along with the rest of the congregation, hearing a nice voice in my ears. Only it wasn’t my voice but that of one of the choristers who was near enough. One can imagine my surprise when my natural voice was the only one to be heard and it wasn’t very good. So I had no natural singing talent and that was the end of my being considered for the Choristers; I became an acolyte.
This scenario has repeated itself over and over again in my lifetime for every endeavor that I’ve undertaken. The bottom line is simple enough; I have no natural talent for anything that I’ve tried to date, and that’s a lot of things; that for which I have natural talent has escaped my notice. My fallback position is to work really hard at learning the fundamentals and practicing same until my performance is passable.
This is another flaw in my character; I work on s.t. until my performance is passable but not at the higher levels of riches, medals, and stardom. I seem to make the decision to remain at a mediocre level and then try s.t. new and different, going off on a new tangent. The amount of effort required to make the silk purse is deemed too much to pay.
I have, however, settled into four endeavors that are being pursued with the idea in mind to get better and better until I am satisfied with what I am doing. I reached this level of performance in some previous endeavors including NNS, Knights of Columbus Council 511, sailing, the Dale Carnegie Course, the Leadership Training for Mangers Course, management as a profession, and another that I won’t name. In each of these I was satisfied that I’d gone as far as I could and had no desire to reach that next level, or even knowledge of what that was.
In every instance it was a lack of vision coupled with a lack of desire and resources that allowed me to, led me to, and prevented me from making it to the big time. The primary ingredient that was lacking was the vision, the dream, the description of a desired end result that included stardom and riches. The vision was not clear or lacking all together. The second detriment was being satisfied with the doing and not moving towards a desired end result. I was on the highway but didn’t have a clear itinerary or a destination in mind. I relied on inspiration and happinstance instead of advice. The few times I got advice from others, it led to great results. The one time I totally relied on inspiration I got a failing grade on the paper. Finally I am getting the connection.
My job is simply to decide what it is. Having a dream and goals, then talking about them, whatever they are, and getting input from others who have had the experience is a necessary ingredient to success. This business of thinking that somehow I am a superior being who is able to solve life’s puzzles, come up with the best possible means of achieving a goal, and divine ways and means is the ultimate in silliness. The one missing ground rule has been that I don't have to take the advice offered but must judge same and accept or reject.
That which has prevented me from getting input from others is a character trait of which I am now aware. I am so concerned about being subordinate to anyone that I will sit here in my rowboat as ocean liners make crossings. This inability to recognize my lack of knowledge and experience has led me to where I am today; not badly off but mediocre; way ahead of a lot of people but nowhere near where I could potentially be. I’m not feeling sorry for myself but have the feeling that I’ve been slapped in the face with reality, video recordings do that.
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