From Discontent

The only reason I am outside writing is that it is such a nice day; I have time, or I am willing to take the time, and although I could be doing any one of a hundred other things, I am doing this. I’ll transcribe it later into the blog.

Tomorrow is a holiday, Memorial Day. Bert wasn’t the first to say it but I heard it from him, “Now that I’m retired, every day is a holiday except one, that’s Sunday.” That’s true for me as well. As I look around the neighborhood, I see many things wanting to be done but people are too busy with other obligations or just not focused on doing that particular thing at the moment. Others pick and choose what they want to do and so do I and I have more freedom than many.

My wife is in St. Louis. Whenever she’s away I feel a little at loose ends, without purpose, because underlying all, we are taking care of each other, she-me and I-her. Not interfering with each other, not causing the other problems but doing each our part for the other. So when she’s gone I am not concerned with doing for her and I realize that life without her would be very different.

I had thoughts of making a change, pursuing s.t. else, i.e., I was feeling that I wanted to start s.t. new or different. As I thought about it I became aware that is a recurring theme in my life; set a course, get started down a path, then before it can play itself out, decide to do something else. Well into it, to get discontented and impatient with progress and start to feel that there is s.t. new, exciting, and different to do and then go look for what it could be. And yet in the past, I was able to remain on a course and got back to whatever it was in the first place. So it was this time, only I was able to recognize the mind set and not waste much psychic energy on it. Even now I am not too interested in writing about it because these lines are expository and not analytical. IOW this mind set has been resolved and abandoned. I am back to the script, the club, the crop, and the cue.

It is interesting however to reflect on the discontent and resolution that occurred last week. It was as if I’d lost my way and then found it again. It is a valuable exercise, to write about it, because just like when engaged in a mindless chore I have thoughts of what else I’d rather/could be doing, so too the referenced mind-set is a way of asking that same question but on a broader plane. The results this time were to return to the dreams and pursue them. It was a validation.

I am doing what I want. I am performing, riding, playing golf and pool. I am also doing comm’y things in Rotary Club and taking care of the house and home. That which has the biggest influence on me, both consciously and not, is the set of daily affirmations I have developed. They have had a profound effect on my behavior and attitude. They continue to operate on a level that is not always in the foreground. There are some of the thirty-four that have been fully incorporated into my mien; there are others that are said, believed, and thought to be important but not yet part of the fabric of my day to day. For example it is easy to say, “Maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive” and quite another thing to react to situations that are not consistent with my preferences and/or perception of what they should be. Since this one is relatively new, it is a ruler to measure what is desired v. this is what it is. So it is with all of the dailies, they are standards, a code, desired behaviors, and as such give me a chart for guidance. I get off course but with the chart I can see where I am and make corrections, or not.

When I reflect on my performance evolution routine, these dailies, and my activities, I see that I am wending my way through a pleasant lifetime. And I suppose this is the source of my aforementioned discontent. It would seem that with the sophistication I have reached with my plotting and scheming that I could be accomplishing much more significant results. It begs the question, what is significant? I refer to my model of accomplishment and I am reminded that it is measurable in objective terms and not in subjective, i.e., not the perceptions of others. I have not achieved appropriate skill levels in my pursuits and thus prone to discouragement from time to time.

Another piece of the puzzle may be/could be that I am not concerned enough with the betterment of mankind. IOW I am not helping someone else; I am not responsible for anyone else, other than my wife, taking care to see to their welfare. At least I don’t feel that I am.

A third piece may be my envy of others whom I know, who seem to be better off, more accomplished, earning more, making more, living better than we. A fourth piece that is less in play is the “grass is greener” syndrome. This one may be tied to the previous piece in that others always seem to be better off; but upon closer scrutiny it is found that they have problems and situations that are much worse and they are not someone with whom I would trade places. This or that may be better but only this or that and not the whole.

So I am back to where I was after my walk the other day; i.e., I am reaffirmed in my resolve to act, ride, play pool and golf. These are the rocks of my activities with performing being the money-maker and the others providing satisfaction of different kinds.