On Pride and Vanity

Among the several, there are two distractions in particular that plague us, Pride and Vanity. Pride is the way we want to think we are; Vanity is the way we want others to think we are. There are so many manifestations of these two green giants that we are often not even aware of them. And that is the problem, we are not aware.

Maurice Nichol wrote five volumes of observations about the Work and I read them all. There was one recurring theme throughout the writings, which were much like this blog a series of recorded thoughts and observations over a long period of time, and that recurring theme is “remember yourself” or don’t become distracted. Before we can talk about distraction, we have to determine from what it is that we are attempting not to be distracted.

Very simply put, it is working on aim. Not something spelled out in many, if any, of the writings about The Fourth Way (TFW) and Gurdjieff. It is there but inferred and not specifically articulated because it is not just one thing, unless you accept that “working on aim” is one thing, and it is if you consider that we could be working on more than one aim in a lifetime and that all of our aims converge on one single overriding aim. An aim can be defined as the desired outcome of a present situation and there are many overlapping presents in which we are involved. Selecting one for the moment, working on it and being aware of doing so, is not being distracted.

Before I write another word I am not preaching TFW, I am not qualified to do so. I am simply relating my own findings from taking G’s advice and not accepting anything told to me, read by me, shown to me by others but rather spending the necessary time and psychic energy to find out for myself what is reasonable and what works; not accepting anything even the conclusions to which I come through my thought processes because, much like the physics of material behavior from the particle to the universe, there are always new and wonderful things discovered that change our understanding. What is true, i.e. reasonable and believable today may well turn out to be ridiculous and improbable in light of later, better information. If more people recognized this possibility the world would be a better place.

The difficulty of remembering oneself or staying aware is not as simple as one might think. One may presume that he knows what’s going on in and around him but you don’t, guaranteed. The difficulty is there is so much going on in our mind and brain-body at any given instant in time that it is almost impossible to keep up with it. It is like being at a national political convention, where the whole thing is contained inside of you, there are so many things going on that in order to accomplish anything, one must be able to separate and focus on one course of action without being sidetracked, distracted, by everything else that is going on and this is no small task. And there is an overriding aim at such a convention, selecting a candidate who can win the election but it can only be achieved by the accomplishment of a multitude of other, supporting aims.

It often seems easier, more pleasurable, more satisfying to fall into distraction than to apply one’s efforts to accomplishing aim. Only when it is over, time has elapsed, and one reflects on what it was he could have been doing instead of being distracted, does one realize he was distracted. The goal is to bring this awareness into focus during the distraction and dispel it before it uses up the time and psychic energy that could have been used to work on aim.

Pride and Vanity are particularly hard to recognize because they are near to the surface of our awareness. We are social beings and our reactions to others are always close to the surface, therefore when we sense that another is not reacting to us as we would like, we focus on that and try to bring about at desired reaction but while doing this we get distracted from whatever it was we aimed to do.

A classic example of this was the phone call I made last year when my aim was to confront someone about their unacceptable behavior. I reacted to his responses rather than keeping my presence of mind. The message got across but in an entirely different manner than I would have preferred. For a long time afterwards I felt good about the confrontation, it seemed to have accomplished what I wanted and I didn’t take any crap.

Then we were to create a monolog for acting class and I selected that phone call, mainly because I felt that I had acquitted myself completely. As I worked on the monolog and presented it to the class several times, it became more and more clear to me that this had not worked out as well as I thought. I made some significant changes in the manner of my response and my final presentation of the monolog was as I would have wanted the conversation to have taken place. I remained in the moment, unaffected by the tone of his responses and successfully achieved my aim in a friendly manner without hostility and anger.

This example is excellent in that Pride in my first performance blinded the truth; Vanity caused me to want to display the bravado of that first performance to the class. It was a slow process but self observation brought about by the repeated performance of that conversation and the reaction of my classmates and the professor caused me to realize that I was in Pride then Vanity and to go back to the basic script and start all over again with a more objective approach.

The lesson I learned was significant and relates to any and all conversations I have and will have. Don’t get sucked into an emotional response to the other(s) in the conversation unless there is an objective reason to do so, keep your mind on your objective and stay aware of what’s being said and going on around you. Recognition of Pride and Vanity in this instance has made a big difference in my behavior.

The Summer Cold of 2010

One must be a little careful, even when one is as vital as am I. Tuesday I sat in my chair downstairs and took a snooze, the air felt a little cool but nothing that alarmed me. By eight o’clock in the evening I could feel a discomfort at the back of my mouth at the throat and was immediately aware that I had come down with a summer cold. It felt as if I was encased in a coating of heavy mud as I moved around, consequently I didn’t do much of anything, thank goodness that it rained. Then as the evening wore on I was feeling less and less like making any unnecessary moves. I sat in the back, under a blanket and vegetated, eating only a little chicken soup and crackers with butter. I watched The Factor and then came down here to shoot a little pool and simply sit.

The night passed with me in full pajamas, including an undershirt, under the covers, and vacillating between sleep and awake. About 4 am I went into the office and covered up in my recliner for a couple of hours, then back to bed to unbend and sleep some more. I didn’t get up until after noon. All day I have been doing nil except for a walk to limber up my joints.

How much of this can be overcome by mental attitude and how much is real? This is the question that is bothering me, waiting for an answer. Yesterday I think it was more than 50-50 toward physical v. mental but today I think it is 25-75 physical to mental. IOW it is my opinion that I could buck up and be a jolly good fellow and get a lot done if only I wanted to. The difference is that 25% that screams at me not to exert myself physically.

On the battleground, the body v. intruders, my body is winning the war. It is up to me to keep from causing setbacks by over exertion of my present state. So I can engage in mental exercises, such as this writing or puzzles but not golf or riding. There is an overriding caution that I have to maintain and that is to be ready to roll Saturday night for the play. The show must go on.

I refrain from remedies of any kind for this type of malady because I believe that this body has the wherewithal to overcome the intruders. As I look/reflect on my activities before late Tuesday afternoon, I recall golf, which was exertion but not out of the ordinary. I had to get up at 6 am for the club meeting, which is always a factor on Tuesday; and Monday, I don’t recall doing anything that dragged me down. This chilling air blowing on me was the catalyst for allowing whatever microbes were present to get a foothold and begin their attack. This is why I am trying to figure out what could have been the thing/s that happened that allowed them to get to critical mass to mount an attack. My body usually responds to such an attack without even the rest of me knowing what is going on. Why this time did a little cool air allow the intrusion to get a foothold?

I don’t recall being around anyone who has a cold, anyone carrying the microbes that could have got to me somehow. That would have been sometime after Friday. Last weekend was the playoffs at BCofL and I was cooped up with my team around a table. One team mate was in close proximity giving me some pointers on the game, perhaps he was a carrier at the moment. This particular fellow is older and could have the germs but be personally immune to them. Then Saturday night we had the play, I don’t recall anyone there being either close enough to me or visibly ill to transmit it to me. Sunday we were home, Monday was not a big deal and then came the chill on Tuesday.

__________

I just now talked to a fellow club member and he likewise has a summer cold. He came back from Sedona AZ after his honeymoon there. He was at the meeting Tuesday, I shook hands with him. The fact that the microbes were from out of town may have made the difference. If I was feeling better, I wouldn’t be wasting all of this effort on getting to the source of my discomfort. With that last little bit of info from Mark, I think it may be the foreign microbes. I read somewhere that the rhinoviruses that cause the cold are mutating all the time and often we are immune to those in our local area. When one travels, he may get exposed to mutants for which he is not immune and bingo; then the infection starts around a whole new area.

So, there you are: the fatigue from being up early and then walking 18 holes of golf required rest but the chill worked against me, while the body was fighting the cooler air there wasn’t enough reserve left to fight the intruders. This too shall pass and I won’t even remember the summer cold of 2010.

From Discontent

The only reason I am outside writing is that it is such a nice day; I have time, or I am willing to take the time, and although I could be doing any one of a hundred other things, I am doing this. I’ll transcribe it later into the blog.

Tomorrow is a holiday, Memorial Day. Bert wasn’t the first to say it but I heard it from him, “Now that I’m retired, every day is a holiday except one, that’s Sunday.” That’s true for me as well. As I look around the neighborhood, I see many things wanting to be done but people are too busy with other obligations or just not focused on doing that particular thing at the moment. Others pick and choose what they want to do and so do I and I have more freedom than many.

My wife is in St. Louis. Whenever she’s away I feel a little at loose ends, without purpose, because underlying all, we are taking care of each other, she-me and I-her. Not interfering with each other, not causing the other problems but doing each our part for the other. So when she’s gone I am not concerned with doing for her and I realize that life without her would be very different.

I had thoughts of making a change, pursuing s.t. else, i.e., I was feeling that I wanted to start s.t. new or different. As I thought about it I became aware that is a recurring theme in my life; set a course, get started down a path, then before it can play itself out, decide to do something else. Well into it, to get discontented and impatient with progress and start to feel that there is s.t. new, exciting, and different to do and then go look for what it could be. And yet in the past, I was able to remain on a course and got back to whatever it was in the first place. So it was this time, only I was able to recognize the mind set and not waste much psychic energy on it. Even now I am not too interested in writing about it because these lines are expository and not analytical. IOW this mind set has been resolved and abandoned. I am back to the script, the club, the crop, and the cue.

It is interesting however to reflect on the discontent and resolution that occurred last week. It was as if I’d lost my way and then found it again. It is a valuable exercise, to write about it, because just like when engaged in a mindless chore I have thoughts of what else I’d rather/could be doing, so too the referenced mind-set is a way of asking that same question but on a broader plane. The results this time were to return to the dreams and pursue them. It was a validation.

I am doing what I want. I am performing, riding, playing golf and pool. I am also doing comm’y things in Rotary Club and taking care of the house and home. That which has the biggest influence on me, both consciously and not, is the set of daily affirmations I have developed. They have had a profound effect on my behavior and attitude. They continue to operate on a level that is not always in the foreground. There are some of the thirty-four that have been fully incorporated into my mien; there are others that are said, believed, and thought to be important but not yet part of the fabric of my day to day. For example it is easy to say, “Maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive” and quite another thing to react to situations that are not consistent with my preferences and/or perception of what they should be. Since this one is relatively new, it is a ruler to measure what is desired v. this is what it is. So it is with all of the dailies, they are standards, a code, desired behaviors, and as such give me a chart for guidance. I get off course but with the chart I can see where I am and make corrections, or not.

When I reflect on my performance evolution routine, these dailies, and my activities, I see that I am wending my way through a pleasant lifetime. And I suppose this is the source of my aforementioned discontent. It would seem that with the sophistication I have reached with my plotting and scheming that I could be accomplishing much more significant results. It begs the question, what is significant? I refer to my model of accomplishment and I am reminded that it is measurable in objective terms and not in subjective, i.e., not the perceptions of others. I have not achieved appropriate skill levels in my pursuits and thus prone to discouragement from time to time.

Another piece of the puzzle may be/could be that I am not concerned enough with the betterment of mankind. IOW I am not helping someone else; I am not responsible for anyone else, other than my wife, taking care to see to their welfare. At least I don’t feel that I am.

A third piece may be my envy of others whom I know, who seem to be better off, more accomplished, earning more, making more, living better than we. A fourth piece that is less in play is the “grass is greener” syndrome. This one may be tied to the previous piece in that others always seem to be better off; but upon closer scrutiny it is found that they have problems and situations that are much worse and they are not someone with whom I would trade places. This or that may be better but only this or that and not the whole.

So I am back to where I was after my walk the other day; i.e., I am reaffirmed in my resolve to act, ride, play pool and golf. These are the rocks of my activities with performing being the money-maker and the others providing satisfaction of different kinds.