John, the Brat

Its ten minutes before four on a Thursday in February, one of my favorites; I didn’t get up right away this morning, I went back to sleep for another hour. Then after I got up I updated my log for yesterday, looked at the bonsai trees, and went for a “heart walk.” Meanwhile Carola went to check on her eyes, it seems that her glasses aren’t working the way they should for her. When I finished the walk, I made coffee and settled in to the paper and on-line news. It was after three when I finally got dressed and went out; that was only to Sam’s because it was Thursday and I usually get gasoline and groceries there on this day.

Why am I detailing such dull experiences? If you have followed some of my past posts and were privy to my notebooks, you would know that I spend a lot of psychic energy fighting a feeling that I am not doing what I could be. As I sit here, I am up to date on all my obligations, nothing is due; bills are paid, tax deposits made, lines for class were delivered yesterday, rehearsal is tonight, my in-box is empty, I can sit here and ponder the infinite for the rest of the afternoon, but I won’t. I will answer the question, “What is the best thing I can do with my time right now?”

Whatever the answer, it will be wrong. That it is wrong will be suggested by the Judge but now, because I know about him, I am able to fend him off and say, “Go away, leave me alone!” And go back to sleep for an hour or spend some time here at the keyboard boring the pants off of anyone who might come by and read this post. This is a victory of major proportions.

I thought this morning that I would refuse me to work Soduko puzzles and just sit and look at the walls if nothing else came to mind. This is still a possibility but it seems more reasonable to limit the time I make available for them to a finite number when I start and stop when the allotted time has elapsed, save the puzzle and resume it on a later break. The times I’ve done this have proven to be ok; I don’t get lost in the labyrinth of distraction.

The labyrinth is a great representation of distraction. It can be entered without realizing into what we are getting but then, after a few turns this way or that, we can’t find our way out so we continue to do whatever until boredom sets in or a stronger influence interrupts the distraction. The ancients had such a great way of weaving allegory around the trials and tribulations of a developing being. The labyrinth, wax wings, the Minotaur, the Golden Fleece, the Voyage of the Argus, the Odyssey, the myths, the deities of Greece and Rome, Bible stories, the New Testament, to name a few. It is through reading and enjoying these on several levels that we begin to draw an understanding, an understanding of which we may not even be aware.

I am aware of one persona who seems to think he is in charge. Actually, I’ve been aware of him for a long time but didn’t think he was anything of note. He is of note and because he thinks he’s in charge, he often causes performance problems. Who is this persona? I haven’t named him, so I’ll call him John, and he exists. I’ve talked about the golf game, a real situation but also a metaphor for any activity that requires complex movement, and explained how when I allow the set up to take place and cut off internal talk during the swing by saying a mantra, the results are often successful if not downright superior. If it weren’t for doing this, John would start in about something else and screw up the swing.

Well, repeat this for just about any activity and you see the depth of influence this “John” has on the rest of the personae. He is an attention getter who gets same even when he shouldn’t. It is to his credit that he has ducked identification for this long. He knows that he is causing performance difficulty but he keeps on horning in. I could see this in my dad’s behavior when he would say and do things that were outrageously boorish because it called attention to him. Now I’m aware of a similar situation here with “John” and see that my dad’s behavior is now a G’s mirror for me.

This “John” is one who is used to being in charge, of calling the shots, of doing the activity whatever it may be. He is the unruly child who misbehaves just to get attention, who wants to excel, who is so anxious to please that he errs because he is doing s.t. that is over his head. He has difficulty relaxing his hold on the being and allowing other, better trained personae to do their thing.

Furthermore, there is a link between the being and Essence that allows for knowledge to flow both ways but it is certainly more beneficial to be on the receiving end of such knowledge. We may add a bit to the store but the store is huge and available to us if we so allow. “John” is sometimes like the stubborn driver who refuses to ask for directions and stays lost. Just like other personae can perform better, so too can other personae benefit from the link to Essence. These links allow puzzle solution, finding the lost, remembering the required, avoiding the catastrophe, making the contact, doing what turns out to have been necessary, not doing what may have been troublesome.

“John” is the joker in my deck of cards and now that he’s been id’d, outed, spotlighted, brought to the surface, perhaps the development of this being will continue and performance will improve.