It hasn’t been a stellar week, not much of importance has happened, not that the week was bad, far from it. My endeavors were all pursued with vigor; I won my pool match, got a great and unsolicited compliment from a stranger, learned my lines, studied acting, made a couple of calls, and followed up on everything I listed for accomplishment this week. There were, however, some minor blows to the ego and a physical condition noticed the other day that needs to be explored. For the latter I will have an opportunity to discuss it with my doctor next week when I go in for my physical examination; my last visit was in 2007, but it made me think about the end game, the subject of my most recent blog posting.
Other things happened today and they are throwing me a bit of a curve. There seems to be in here this unfortunate little persona who has a difficult time accepting the fact that he isn’t seen as superior. The fact of the matter is he feels it important to live in a delusional world where he is seen to be superior to others encountered. Yet he keeps running into situations that prove him not to be and that should dispel any possibility of it being true. I may even have written about him before, IOW I don’t see this as a discovery but more reacquainting with him.
The purpose of this little exercise is threefold: expose this persona to the light of recognition; secondly think about what caused him to be formed in the first place; and third to ask why the first reaction is to think that others look and talk disparagingly about this being (me).
It is without question that he is here. He tends to show himself whenever he hears that others didn’t see the performance as being outstanding or at least up to par with expectations. I have this image of him sitting there self-satisfied as he thinks that his performance and image are seen as either excellent or better than expected. It is interesting that he can accept the performance for what it is- good or bad; it is the way he perceives others as seeing it that bothers him. I have noticed him working subterfuge to make the performance seem better than it was; to impress others with his knowledge of how it should be even though it didn’t quite go as expected. This particular persona seems to be more intent on appearances and wants the image portrayed to be seen as superior.
It is in the realm of vanity but from where does it originate? There are several sources that come to mind. One is the parental influence, the negative influence of the RCC, my experiences in schools, the Dale Carnegie Course, and the position I attained in the organizations; there may be more but this is enough for starters.
The parental influences were mostly my dad’s and they were positive and negative. There were times when I was proud to be his son, other times when I was ashamed; still other times when I could see he was out of his depth. He desperately needed to be the center of attention and would even subject himself to ridicule to be there. These were the times that I was ashamed and vowed to always be better. This has led to my desire to be exhibit savoir faire.
As for the RCC, it is the doctrine of “I confess to Almighty God that I have sinned, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa.” It has the effect of making a sensitive young person feel that he is sinning at every turn and needs to ask forgiveness for his acts. Every act is either good or bad and there is no neutral. This coupled with that same person’s strong desire to be good leads him to disguise some behavior.
School experiences because one is required to provide the right answer; to make it seem that you know the right answer whether or not you are called upon. Then the fact that others of me are so competitive leads to the notion that one has to somehow be superior as a person, even in extracurricular activities that are easier in which to excel. Then when the grades are posted, the jig is up; lesson learned the hard way, there is no substitute for hard work on the right things.
The Dale Carnegie Course did much to advance my personal performance and crash through barriers imposed by overly protective personae; it is only with the objectivity of years later that I can see where it promoted “little super Johnny.” The course can cause delusion; people become convinced that they are much better than they are. It’s fine until they run into a harsh professional environment; then they get hammered and some don’t continue to fight on. Fortunately for me, I have become aware of this; but like the old drunkard joke, I get hammered, I get up, no problem.
Each hammering, however, seems to remove the highest level attainable until one day “your position is no longer necessary.” The show is closing and you are not enough of a star to command a lead somewhere else. This realization is connected to organizational position; realizing this, one will go to any length to preserve that highest attainable level and fool himself and others about it but probably not everyone else.
These last two are the answer to the third consideration. Critical voices from formative youth and experience cause the first conclusion drawn from an evaluation to be inferiority. This persona attempts to ameliorate the situation by trying to look good or at least better. Both of these are emotional responses and not rational, therefore the only way to combat them is to recognize them for what they are and replace them with objectivity.
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