A Few Good Words

Ok, so there’s no story here; thank goodness. As I study acting and see the stories that are interesting enough to get published, to get the attention of an audience, I am more than a little thankful that mine is not, will not be, among them. My life continues to be interesting to me but not to anyone else except perhaps the polite one who asks me questions to be nice. Sometimes I return the favor and sometimes I don’t. Bottom-line, there aren’t many lives that are interesting enough to tell as a story.

It almost seems that our activities are either happening so fast in sequence that we aren’t able to appreciate what’s happening; or the clock ticks slowly as we wait to keep our next appointment. The key is to have a variety of items to be able to choose s.t. interesting to do while waiting. I’m in a cycle now that is comfortably slow; there is a lot going on but it seems to be spaced apart nicely and the frantic activity of other times isn’t happening. I have more than enough to do and plenty of time to do it.

There are those that precipitate activity when they are with others and those that are more passive and watch the action only getting involved occasionally. There are players and spectators and often the two are interchangeable depending on the circumstances. My take on it is to keep assessing the ratio of one to the other personally and take action to keep the higher percentage in the player category.

There are those who get swallowed up in being spectators and fool themselves into thinking that they are players. This is especially true in sports where people are fans of this team or that and get distracted into thinking their interest is somehow productive. A great portion of their lifetime is spent in vicarious participation to no productive end. The player, regardless of his level of proficiency, is living a fuller life.

From the vantage point of a cell-phone, Email, text messages, and twitter; it is hard to imagine life in previous times. Yet the communication was there and it was complete. Watching Victory at Sea one realizes that naval battles involving fleets of ships and hundreds of aircraft were fought with blinking lights that signaled orders among the fleet. The Civil War was dependent on the telegraph for communication across distances. For hundreds of years the postal service in Europe and then America was the main, and continues to be an important, means of communication. Messages had content even if they were terse and cryptic, much like our text messages of today.

The Pendennis Club, in downtown Louisville still has mahogany writing desks around the reading room where men, there were no women allowed at the time, would pen a short message to a business associate, be it a stockbroker, merchandise buyer, or whomever, and send it via messenger/courier to an office located somewhere else downtown; an earlier version of Email. Our need for rapid communication is not a new phenomenon.

People seem to get caught up in the technology and do it because they can and not because there is a need. This is true of this blog, it isn’t necessary for me to write, no one reads it; I do it because I want to express myself in writing and it is a better medium than a handwritten notebook. One can only wonder how many thousands of lines of writing exist out here in the world. And yet, when a strategy is understood, it doesn’t take long and involved messages to get appropriate action taken.

“Eat less, do more,” “Find, audition, learn lines, rehearse, perform,” “Find horses to ride,” “Call people to do with me,” are examples of the many strategies that I have articulated to pursue what I call my endeavors. These become top of mind when I am at a point of not having s.t. immediate to do, so there is never a time that I don’t have s.t. that I can do to push the envelope of my endeavors. They are also important considerations in my weekly plotting and scheming session on Sunday morning.

The first one has been a big surprise. It has taken more than a year but my weight has gradually gone down twenty pounds without being focused on a program for dieting or exercising. Not only have I lost the weight, I have lost the reflux symptoms, the discomfort at night, and have more energy due to being more physically fit.

The pattern seems to be to have a definite goal or state of being in mind, then an articulated strategy of just a few words, then stated objectives, and a list of tasks to accomplish that move one inexorably closer to the goal. I have found that it has to be easily updated or it becomes too much work. One can spend too much time on the process and not have time to get the desired results. I use an Excel workbook and step through it quickly on Sunday mornings. The basic plan has evolved over the years but it is refreshed annually, which takes much thought and several hours over about ten or so days of elapsed time; I use the time from December 21 to January 1.

So tomorrow morning I will put Beethoven on the CD player, sit down to this screen with a large cup of coffee and delve into the Excel notebook and be confident that I will uncover some more tasks for the week that will lead to the accomplishment of objectives which in turn bring me closer to the desired physical state of being. I am confident that this is consonant with my larger purpose because of the ease with which it is all happening. If it wasn’t moving toward purpose, it would be difficult. Master is mute but he has his way of influencing the events of this lifetime.

An Unpublished Diatribe

When a file is corrupted it won’t read, when a CD is damaged it will skip and eject, when a vinyl record was damaged, one either heard scratches, or it tracked through the same several grooves and the same music was heard over and over again. This is the genesis of the phrase, he/she sounds like a broken record and I’m afraid you’re in for a bit of a broken record tonight.

I’m into one of the Great Courses, The Alternative Christianities of the 2nd and 3rd Centuries. There were several varieties of Christian belief in vogue before the 4th century when Constantine said he wanted it standardized and voila, we have New Testament, which is, like the Old Testament, an agreed upon set of books/ writings.

Historically and scientifically the myths of the RCC, and consequently the other flavors of modern Christianity, don’t pass the test. The RCC made heroic efforts to suppress scientific research and advancement because they could see it was to have the effect of nullifying things like virgin birth, water walking, resurrection, ascension, assumption, and a second coming.

The fall back position is to say, well it was allegory, it had spiritual meaning and was not to be taken literally; tell that to the people who were burned at the stake. The truth is, but up to and including now it is hidden and has been replaced with imperfect human interpretations.

It starts with the word “God.” Press anyone on a definition and you’ll get theirs but it won’t be the same as anyone else. It turns out that in the early days of Christianity, before the aforesaid standardization, there were some who said there was one God, two Gods, on up to 365 Gods, (I suppose one per day?) Each proponent had good sound arguments as to why he was right. It is reminiscent of the many Christian sects that exist today, each purports to be the “one true” and each has a good argument.

The difference between what is preached by the RCC today and fifty years ago is night and day. Priests in StL had people going to hell for not attending Sunday services, eating meat on Friday, going to see Jane Russell in a movie, and (ahem) not giving enough money to them. You see there were 10 commandments of God and 6 commandments of the Church. You could go to hell for breaking them; times were good for old brother Satan. Then that started changing, probably around 1960 or so when Pope John XXIII decided that something had to be done to stop the hemorrhage of membership; so Vatican II was convened. The Nicene (circa 300 AD) creed is still being said; the one that includes some of the above myths. So while the church became “more reasonable” they held on to the basic party line.

It is delusion at best. People are conditioned from infancy with regard to religion; a person will not take the chance with his/her immortal soul to think about in what they say they believe. It’s easier to go along with it, learn it, profess it, participate in it than not and besides, one feels more comfortable in a crowd of worshipers of like mind.

Churches in general have the capability of doing much good, and they do. The members’ hearts are in the right place, the hierarchies and the finance committees are often another story. A $10 million house for Rev. Wright; a $25.5 million lawsuit settlement for protecting Louisville sexual predators, and no one really knows how much more money is spread around by finance committees for irreligious purposes.

A book entitled “So You Want to Become a Philosopher” started with a statement that I understood to say, “If it can be put into words, it can be proven true.” I threw the book away. If that is philosophy you can have it. When I listened to sermons, especially about some of the basic beliefs of the RCC; I had the same reaction. There is a basic tenet of ethics that says the end doesn’t justify the means. Yet this is broken over and over again by do-gooders who defend all of the crap that’s going on. The basic philosophy is for you to profess belief in this preposterousness so you will live happily ever after in heaven; and by the way don’t forget to give us enough money to pay the bills.

There have been some notable agnostics throughout history; generally they are condemned. I can see now their frustration and disillusion with the RCC. Starting their own version of it didn’t really get them anywhere except in a position of power that they couldn’t have otherwise achieved. Now some several hundred years later there is a confusing array of Christianities. And just over there is a large number of Islamists who would take over if they could. Talk about your basic struggle between good and evil, and you can take your pick as to which is which.

And yet, what would it be like if everyone shared my view and the churches dried up like over ripe fruit left on the tree. It won’t happen because so many have the need to believe in something bigger, something spiritual, something dreadful, and a further need to belong to/adhere to a group of like minded individuals. In many ways belonging to a church is a cop-out, taking the interpretation of someone else instead of thinking about it until you clarify it. A glib preacher can make it sound so compelling; and yet it can be so wrong.

What I believe is ok for me but I won’t bother you with it; go figure out the truth for yourself and then don’t bother me with it. It’s there, you can do it and you don’t need a Pope, Bishop, or Priest. You won’t find it in one book or even one set of books and you won’t find it after one episode; it takes years and years of thinking, reading, challenging, verifying through experiment and observation and even then, as in my case anyway I know I’m still not there. But I will persevere. I am an imperfect being in search of Truth.

Super Johnny

It hasn’t been a stellar week, not much of importance has happened, not that the week was bad, far from it. My endeavors were all pursued with vigor; I won my pool match, got a great and unsolicited compliment from a stranger, learned my lines, studied acting, made a couple of calls, and followed up on everything I listed for accomplishment this week. There were, however, some minor blows to the ego and a physical condition noticed the other day that needs to be explored. For the latter I will have an opportunity to discuss it with my doctor next week when I go in for my physical examination; my last visit was in 2007, but it made me think about the end game, the subject of my most recent blog posting.

Other things happened today and they are throwing me a bit of a curve. There seems to be in here this unfortunate little persona who has a difficult time accepting the fact that he isn’t seen as superior. The fact of the matter is he feels it important to live in a delusional world where he is seen to be superior to others encountered. Yet he keeps running into situations that prove him not to be and that should dispel any possibility of it being true. I may even have written about him before, IOW I don’t see this as a discovery but more reacquainting with him.

The purpose of this little exercise is threefold: expose this persona to the light of recognition; secondly think about what caused him to be formed in the first place; and third to ask why the first reaction is to think that others look and talk disparagingly about this being (me).

It is without question that he is here. He tends to show himself whenever he hears that others didn’t see the performance as being outstanding or at least up to par with expectations. I have this image of him sitting there self-satisfied as he thinks that his performance and image are seen as either excellent or better than expected. It is interesting that he can accept the performance for what it is- good or bad; it is the way he perceives others as seeing it that bothers him. I have noticed him working subterfuge to make the performance seem better than it was; to impress others with his knowledge of how it should be even though it didn’t quite go as expected. This particular persona seems to be more intent on appearances and wants the image portrayed to be seen as superior.

It is in the realm of vanity but from where does it originate? There are several sources that come to mind. One is the parental influence, the negative influence of the RCC, my experiences in schools, the Dale Carnegie Course, and the position I attained in the organizations; there may be more but this is enough for starters.

The parental influences were mostly my dad’s and they were positive and negative. There were times when I was proud to be his son, other times when I was ashamed; still other times when I could see he was out of his depth. He desperately needed to be the center of attention and would even subject himself to ridicule to be there. These were the times that I was ashamed and vowed to always be better. This has led to my desire to be exhibit savoir faire.

As for the RCC, it is the doctrine of “I confess to Almighty God that I have sinned, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa.” It has the effect of making a sensitive young person feel that he is sinning at every turn and needs to ask forgiveness for his acts. Every act is either good or bad and there is no neutral. This coupled with that same person’s strong desire to be good leads him to disguise some behavior.

School experiences because one is required to provide the right answer; to make it seem that you know the right answer whether or not you are called upon. Then the fact that others of me are so competitive leads to the notion that one has to somehow be superior as a person, even in extracurricular activities that are easier in which to excel. Then when the grades are posted, the jig is up; lesson learned the hard way, there is no substitute for hard work on the right things.

The Dale Carnegie Course did much to advance my personal performance and crash through barriers imposed by overly protective personae; it is only with the objectivity of years later that I can see where it promoted “little super Johnny.” The course can cause delusion; people become convinced that they are much better than they are. It’s fine until they run into a harsh professional environment; then they get hammered and some don’t continue to fight on. Fortunately for me, I have become aware of this; but like the old drunkard joke, I get hammered, I get up, no problem.

Each hammering, however, seems to remove the highest level attainable until one day “your position is no longer necessary.” The show is closing and you are not enough of a star to command a lead somewhere else. This realization is connected to organizational position; realizing this, one will go to any length to preserve that highest attainable level and fool himself and others about it but probably not everyone else.

These last two are the answer to the third consideration. Critical voices from formative youth and experience cause the first conclusion drawn from an evaluation to be inferiority. This persona attempts to ameliorate the situation by trying to look good or at least better. Both of these are emotional responses and not rational, therefore the only way to combat them is to recognize them for what they are and replace them with objectivity.

The End Game

There will come a time, if it already isn’t here, that this body will die. One never knows, there may be something going on inside that I can’t feel, can’t see, and of which I am not aware. My conversation with Maggie last night also made me think about the end game; what is going to happen when I die. It isn’t something upon which I want to dwell but at the same time I can’t duck the issue, ducking issues is not something I do, although I tend to make decisions when they are necessary and not before.

Now may be the time to do some “what if” planning, not take any steps but do the planning necessary to make sure that everything is in order. There’s so much that has to be thought through and these lines are not the vehicle for same; no, the proper format is the planning method that has been so valuable to me in the past. These lines are appropo for laying some philosophical foundations for thinking through the planning process.

The real issue is if this body were to die sooner rather than later then there are things I should do, be doing, to prepare the way for an orderly transition. The possibility that it could happen sooner has been ignored until now; of what should I be thinking in order to make it less of a shock. Should I be doing anything differently in terms of the way I am living my life?

A starting point for that answer is a good look at how I am living now and let’s see if there is anything I would do differently. I have my Endeavors; they take almost all of my productive time. There isn’t much I do that is not tied to one of the eighteen. The one thing I do more of than I would like is solve puzzles, be they Sudoku or Crossword or whatever. Some time doing that is almost like exercise for the brain but I tend to do a lot more of it than that. The analogy is spending too much time at a fitness center instead of leading an active sporting life.

My purpose, as a being, is to develop sufficiently to be able to exist without a body. It is doubtful that this is the case right now. It is even doubtful that it could be accomplished in this lifetime. There is a certain permanence that may have been evolving over centuries of existence as indicated by certain associations with other beings and places. Is it for sure? No it is not, and that part of me that moves about during the day will never know for sure until the day this body dies. So what do I do in the meantime?

The first and last answer to that is to do what I am doing now but continuing to look at each activity and verify that it supports an aim in my life as I want to live it. If I had to do more of anything, it would be to reach out to s.o. else who can benefit from my association. I don’t know who that would be; I won’t look for anyone but then I must ask, how will I do s.t. for s.o. else if there is no reaching out? It will happen because it is desired on a level of being where hundreds of other personae in here who are impressed with the value of doing it and they will take the incremental steps necessary to have it happen. They will answer the question in due time. Another way I can be of help to many others is to publish my planning method. It is has become unique and is proven useful.

There are some things that I should be doing now; a general strategy is to live as if the end were imminent but plan ahead just in case it isn’t. “Live for today but plan for tomorrow.” The silver, gold, and diamonds are not a big deal, I could cash them in and use the money for some other desired asset and then that could be sold for whatever is paid for it when I'm finished with it. The difference would be the enjoyment of this other asset instead of having them stashed away in a safety deposit box.

I know from experience with mom and pop that the materials left behind are irrelevant. As far as my stuff is concerned there is nothing that I would “will” to anyone, except my log books, my history worksheet, a group of magazines, and pictures that altogether are my life story.

As for the accumulation of other stuff, I’m not going to give it a second thought. When this body dies it will be for s.o. else to sort through and dispose of it just as we have been disposing of mom’s stuff for the past six months. I suppose I could assemble the historical, to which I previously referred, and make some overtures to the kids to see who may want to preserve it. I could also make some permanent storage arrangements and let them know where it is if they ever wanted to search through it. Some of the historical worksheets can be copied and given to each of them both as print outs and as computer files.

This session will be saved, published but kept confidential, and used as a basis for continuing to plan the end game. Already the strategy has been articulated: “Live for today, plan for tomorrow.” That’s it in a nutshell. The action item is to plan a set of actions that do this. It can be factored into my weekly plotting and scheming session; I will add a column to the worksheet titled, End Game and do the process with it just as I have all the other Endeavors. I could jam it into an existing Endeavor but right now it is important enough to be id’d separately.

The Log

The days pass almost without notice. Thank goodness I keep a log of what’s going on, or at least what happened this day, every day. It certainly isn’t an exhausting account of the day, just the highlights and anything of importance that may be good to be able to recall later. By doing it every day there is continuity and there is value to it.

One valuable result is to go back five years, or ten, or whatever, and see what was important enough to write down at that time. The times I have reflected on the past this way have been illuminating. I can see what was occupying my thoughts at the time. Often there are matters that were important then but have slipped into the mist of forgotten activities. In this regard I have been able to use them as a basis of going forward, not for any other reason than to realize that there were involvements that were abandoned and not for any good reason except that they didn’t suit my fancy any more.

There is another valuable result; I am made aware of experiences that were painful at the time but later turned out to be of little long term consequence. Then there are those that weren’t painful but had long term consequences, one of which was moving here to Louisville.

I began keeping same in 1958; then in the mid-seventies I let it slide for about ten years, keeping spotty records at best, but took it up again in 1984 when I used a desk top calendar with large blocks for the days. Then in 1985 I kept a log of what I did morning, noon, afternoon, evening and night. It was on what, where, and with whom did I spend my time. It was a time management exercise that turned back into a log. That just happened to be the year we moved to Houston, an unforeseen event at the time. Then I put it down again until 1988, then by happenstance that was the year we were involved in the turmoil of being laid off in Houston, hired in Racine, and then posted to England and France. That restarted log has been kept continuously since.

The routine is to write the events of the previous day early in the morning, just after getting up. This allows the events of the day to steep over night and be somewhat more objectively recorded. Most of the emotional attachment to events that happened later in the day has had time to be normalized so the earlier events of the day get the same weight as the later. The entry is date, day, and where I spent the night, then an entry of no more than the equivalent of half a sheet of regular paper. I’ve found that this is more than enough to capture the essence of the day.

The key is capturing the essence because it is this that allows recall at a much later date. What may seem to be a meaningless detail, or comment serves as a memory jogger even 10 or 15 years later. So from that remark one can tell that the log is not kept for anyone else’s enjoyment or edification; although a descendent down the line may enjoy reading it just for the family memories.

The log is also the other end of the planning spectrum. I’ve explained before my planning process that begins with the winter solstice through the last day of the calendar year. The plan is just that, a plan. The log is a way of recognizing the events that show that the plan was achieved. I don’t keep records other than in the PC file folder entitled Planning and Related. That information is primarily reminders of what I want to accomplish in various areas of my life. The log is where the results are incrementally recorded, not as items checked as accomplished but recording the events of the day that may just happen to include that which was included in the plan.

I found some very old Symphony files on the PC upstairs and they could just as easily have been made last Sunday. IOW, planning and scheming that has taken place over the years has been remarkably consistent.

The interesting part of it is my reaction to this discovery. Some parts of me were content that I am consistently moving towards a similar set of objectives. Another part was saying maybe we should chuck this whole thing and let it happen as it may. There were all sorts of emotions that came out as I read through these old planning worksheets. Not dissimilar to the emotions that are evoked when I get a log from years back and read through it. The big difference is the planning spreadsheets are what I would have like to have happen at the time and the log is what actually happened. Often there are big disparities between the two. Often too, there is a realization that yes indeed the objective was accomplished and not even noticed all that much.

I think this is the value of the log, it is what happened and not what was intended, dreamed, wished, plotted, and schemed. The plotting and scheming is somewhat idealistic whereas the log is the facts of the matters.

Even these blogs, although these are not as esoteric as my notebooks, are not real. They represent my thinking at the time they are written and when I read some of the notes, which started in 1995, there are big differences between fact and fiction. The notebooks are often philosophical thoughts and the log is what actually happened.

This whole entry is to remind myself of the value of the log. It is an integral part of my life and living and one that needs to have attention so that the entries are meaningful on the day they are made. I get lazy sometimes and this will serve to remind me of the importance of diligence in my writing and recall.

John, the Brat

Its ten minutes before four on a Thursday in February, one of my favorites; I didn’t get up right away this morning, I went back to sleep for another hour. Then after I got up I updated my log for yesterday, looked at the bonsai trees, and went for a “heart walk.” Meanwhile Carola went to check on her eyes, it seems that her glasses aren’t working the way they should for her. When I finished the walk, I made coffee and settled in to the paper and on-line news. It was after three when I finally got dressed and went out; that was only to Sam’s because it was Thursday and I usually get gasoline and groceries there on this day.

Why am I detailing such dull experiences? If you have followed some of my past posts and were privy to my notebooks, you would know that I spend a lot of psychic energy fighting a feeling that I am not doing what I could be. As I sit here, I am up to date on all my obligations, nothing is due; bills are paid, tax deposits made, lines for class were delivered yesterday, rehearsal is tonight, my in-box is empty, I can sit here and ponder the infinite for the rest of the afternoon, but I won’t. I will answer the question, “What is the best thing I can do with my time right now?”

Whatever the answer, it will be wrong. That it is wrong will be suggested by the Judge but now, because I know about him, I am able to fend him off and say, “Go away, leave me alone!” And go back to sleep for an hour or spend some time here at the keyboard boring the pants off of anyone who might come by and read this post. This is a victory of major proportions.

I thought this morning that I would refuse me to work Soduko puzzles and just sit and look at the walls if nothing else came to mind. This is still a possibility but it seems more reasonable to limit the time I make available for them to a finite number when I start and stop when the allotted time has elapsed, save the puzzle and resume it on a later break. The times I’ve done this have proven to be ok; I don’t get lost in the labyrinth of distraction.

The labyrinth is a great representation of distraction. It can be entered without realizing into what we are getting but then, after a few turns this way or that, we can’t find our way out so we continue to do whatever until boredom sets in or a stronger influence interrupts the distraction. The ancients had such a great way of weaving allegory around the trials and tribulations of a developing being. The labyrinth, wax wings, the Minotaur, the Golden Fleece, the Voyage of the Argus, the Odyssey, the myths, the deities of Greece and Rome, Bible stories, the New Testament, to name a few. It is through reading and enjoying these on several levels that we begin to draw an understanding, an understanding of which we may not even be aware.

I am aware of one persona who seems to think he is in charge. Actually, I’ve been aware of him for a long time but didn’t think he was anything of note. He is of note and because he thinks he’s in charge, he often causes performance problems. Who is this persona? I haven’t named him, so I’ll call him John, and he exists. I’ve talked about the golf game, a real situation but also a metaphor for any activity that requires complex movement, and explained how when I allow the set up to take place and cut off internal talk during the swing by saying a mantra, the results are often successful if not downright superior. If it weren’t for doing this, John would start in about something else and screw up the swing.

Well, repeat this for just about any activity and you see the depth of influence this “John” has on the rest of the personae. He is an attention getter who gets same even when he shouldn’t. It is to his credit that he has ducked identification for this long. He knows that he is causing performance difficulty but he keeps on horning in. I could see this in my dad’s behavior when he would say and do things that were outrageously boorish because it called attention to him. Now I’m aware of a similar situation here with “John” and see that my dad’s behavior is now a G’s mirror for me.

This “John” is one who is used to being in charge, of calling the shots, of doing the activity whatever it may be. He is the unruly child who misbehaves just to get attention, who wants to excel, who is so anxious to please that he errs because he is doing s.t. that is over his head. He has difficulty relaxing his hold on the being and allowing other, better trained personae to do their thing.

Furthermore, there is a link between the being and Essence that allows for knowledge to flow both ways but it is certainly more beneficial to be on the receiving end of such knowledge. We may add a bit to the store but the store is huge and available to us if we so allow. “John” is sometimes like the stubborn driver who refuses to ask for directions and stays lost. Just like other personae can perform better, so too can other personae benefit from the link to Essence. These links allow puzzle solution, finding the lost, remembering the required, avoiding the catastrophe, making the contact, doing what turns out to have been necessary, not doing what may have been troublesome.

“John” is the joker in my deck of cards and now that he’s been id’d, outed, spotlighted, brought to the surface, perhaps the development of this being will continue and performance will improve.