Adrift

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Yesterday was a butz. There wasn’t much via constructive activity that went on; I did the bills, stayed around the house all day, did my daily list and called McNeely Park w/o getting an answer, napped, walked, watched a little football, practiced pool, worked x-word puzzles, and watched a movie with Carola. Today is shaping up in a similar manner. I am about to do my weekly plotting and scheming and then whatever.

As I ponder the situation I am focusing on a void in my life; i.e. meaningful contact with others. It is a Catch 22 for me. On the one hand I enjoy the company of others but on the other I am loathe to participate with another in any meaningful way. I am suspicious, cynical, and judgmental. I see the actions of others and think the worst. I relate to strangers easier than those I know. The more of a stranger the other is, the easier it is for me to approach them and start a conversation. The better I know someone, the more difficult it is for me to share myself with them, mainly because my suspicion that they really don’t care is often reinforced by experience.

And why should they? Well, they shouldn’t and don’t. There is no reason for them to care about me or my situation especially since I don’t have a handle on what I want/need/ would like. And when someone does try to help me, to understand me, I tend to clam up and avoid their help and intervention. I am dissolving into a complete misanthrope.

An objective third party observer: here is a man who seldom leaves his house except to run errands, go to school, meetings, golf, pool, walk, or do the LTM. He has almost no social contact.

Let’s take the outings one at a time:
1. Errands- to where-ever interacting only with the clerk who is paid to attend;
2. School- to class twice per week, a class that is almost meaningless to him. It is French Theater Practicum and his involvement in French culture and language is almost nil. So, he goes to class, participates, makes little conversations with the other students who are 20-year olds, and then goes to the SAC and plays a little pool with whoever wants a game. In fact he is out of his element in this University setting; he has no reason to be there and he’s not contributing anything to the betterment of society or himself.
3. Meetings- Rotary club where he participates for the time he is at the meeting and does little else except what is requested of him. He is like a toad sitting in the grass, gulping the occasional insect. Then there’s the French conversation meeting on Thursdays where he wastes his time sitting with others who can speak the language better than he. Then there’s the weekly meeting with his counselor which is more like an errand, interacting with someone paid to do so.
4. Golf- a solo event in his life. He goes to the course without a playing partner, takes up with one if convenient, otherwise not.
5. Pool- here is a socially oriented activity. It is one time per week at the Billiards Club of Louisville where he is on a team, knows others in the place and minimally participates beyond the game.
6. Walk- completely solo event, often he is lost in thought as he makes his 5 km round.
7. LTM- there is some social contact involved in this; it is in Evansville IN and involves phone calls from time to time.

The common thread among all of these is their compartmentalization. There is no continuity of contact beyond the event itself. Even when he was president of the Rotary Club, it became a routine that involved almost no contact beyond that of the meeting itself. When involved in a theatrical production, there is the rehearsal and performance where there is meaningful involvement beyond the occasional meeting. And yet, even in the theatrical production, there is a tendency to become increasingly insular and put up barriers that avoid familiarity beyond what is involved in the performance. In UTC, he was the man who wasn’t there until almost the end.

Others are seen to have this tendency to keep to themselves; this unwillingness to be seen as one thinks he is. It is as if they are promoting an image which is not consistent with what they think they really am. And there is another take on this, perhaps what they are convinced that they are how they would like others to see them and are so different that that they don’t want it to show. Yet, in truth, what one is, is so plainly obvious to others that they see one who is trying to be something he’s not. OTOH there have been occasions when one or another came out; these have been monsters in action. Sometimes barbarous, other times crude and unsavory, and then simply bothersome but always scorned by those with whom he would have a relationship. It is as if others buy into the “juste et bon” only to find later that he’s not.

Being unwilling to bend to the will of others, to do what others would have, has been a hallmark of my life. I disdain family and friends as being unworthy of me. There have been a few “genuine” people whose acquaintance I’ve made but these were usually less than exemplary of knightly virtues. I saw them as living a life of experiences in lieu of being harnessed as was I; but I pulled my plough with the occasional walk on the wild side. Now my fields are in, the harvest is over and I am free but like the Prisoner of Chillon:

My very chains and I grew friends,
So much a long communion tends
To make us what we are: - even I
Regain'd my freedom with a sigh. –Byron

There are/were two sets of chains involved, one has been removed; that being responsibility for other people, kids, mother, and father. The other is still in place, the need to feel good about me; for approval/ acceptance/ respect/ adulation/accomplishment.

Getting to Acting

September 24, 2009

My sensitivity reared its ugly head yesterday when Jim Schorche questioned me on the term Napoleonic complex. He said it referred to a type of narcissism where the person seeks to be the center of attention even if it is a harmful bit of attention that he gets. My sensitivity was piqued by the question because it related to the contents of my play and his assertion that the play may have been biographical.

Admitted, it is based on characters and happenings of my time at NNI but not so in detail, IOW the events didn’t happen the way they’re written. The reference to Napoleonic complex was to a short man, i.e. Earl, who has a need to make his presence felt to combat physical inferiority; not narcissism. So that leaves his reference to same to be an oblique reference to s.t. that I either have or am experiencing.

Then I am further offended because I can readily see that what he described was the malady from which my father suffered. He would endure the most offensive personal attacks and say the most outrageous things just to get the spotlight put on him. This behavior put him in a bad light but he didn’t mind as long as he was the center of attention. He would make up unverifiable facts and interpret historical events to suit his purposes and because of his senior stature would not hear of contradiction. He did the same with philosophical arguments; all to keep the spotlight on him.

Now Jim couldn’t know about pop, nor could he know Earl’s actual behavior but he made a sideways reference about narcissism. One has to ask; does it ring alarm because it is true somehow? Well, yes I do seek the spotlight; it makes me feel important, appreciated, and approved. Sometimes I get it because I’m there, my presence, my way of looking at people; sometimes I get it because of a well timed remark conveying a fact overlooked by others, sometimes I even resort to my father’s tactics but then retreat as soon as I become aware of what I’m doing. Even my going to see Jim Schorche weekly can be interpreted as narcissistic because, objectively, I don’t have a problem except that like Montaigne, I may be a bit bored.

There is a “Catch 22” here. In order to do the work, i.e. develop the being, it would seem that one has to engage in a good bit of self-analysis, which by definition is inner-considering and imagination. Yet it seems impossible to take a look at me without doing some of this. Imagination is a tool of the brain; left unattended, uncontrolled, to its own devices, it is a distraction but directed along the lines of analyzing what is going on it is a prelude to reasoning which is a prelude to decision making.

Inner-considering is likewise a distraction if it is not used constructively. One can get so engrossed in his treatment by others and taking offense or sustenance from it that he loses his attention to what is going on around him an thus is in distraction. But when looking at himself as objectively as possible, it becomes a tool that can be used for advancing the development of the being.

If I’ve succumbed to narcissism by trying to develop with the help of an objective third party, then I’m wasting my time. I don’t think I have, I don’t know if Jim is hinting at it or not so I’ll ask him next time round.

My whole purpose in going to him is to have some objective third party input on what to do next and how to achieve that without wasting a lot of time. His techniques so far have been to visualize, in a pseudo self-hypnotic state, and to imagine myself as already having the necessary critical resource(s) for achieving what I want.

The hypnosis is fine; it seems to produce results when I use it to visualize my desired state as described by the thirty-three dailies. I’ve used it daily since and have “input” the first eight. I may now pick and chose from the rest to get the more important “input” sooner than later.

I can use the second technique, to which I will refer as resource-imagination, to similarly recognize that I have the necessary attributes, skills, and contacts to get what I want. These two techniques will give me the right mental framework for achievement but I recognize now that it is likewise important to be able to play a good game, not just be able to talk a good game. Furthermore, it takes hard work, dedication, and perseverance to have the ability to perform and this takes time. Exposure and training in these and other techniques may shorten the process as did/does the Dale Carnegie Course.

If it is going to be acting, then act, take classes, and perform whenever the opportunity presents itself. Aha! This may be the source of the suspected narcissism. My own statement that I need an audience to hear me, see me, and read me would say that I am simply seeking the limelight. That isn’t really the case. “Oscar” could be narcissistic but there are so many others of me in here that he gets out only when it is proper that he do so. Oscar is the one who likes to perform, he is the narcissistic one but he’s held in check by many others who are more reasonable and eschew possible embarrassment; and it is precisely this reasonableness that holds back the actor; it is also a product of inner-considering of the distractive kind.

So, to where do I go with all of this? One thing for sure, I/we must give Oscar more free rein, i.e. say yes to opportunities; another is to approach the acting as I have billiards and golf where one must study, practice, play, and compete. Acting is likewise an acquired skill; in a systemic analysis it is: (1) find, (2) audition, (3) learn lines, (4) rehearse, and (5) perform.

Stumbling Around

Wednesday September 23, 2009

This afternoon at 4:45 I’ll be meeting with Jim Schorche again to proceed along the lines of finding out what to do next. The idea of acting keeps coming up but the thought of auditioning, even fulfilling the requirements of putting my application in to a talent agency is daunting.

I saw an apprentice program offered by Actor’s Theater. It seems to be aimed at youth, but I can’t make that assumption. I would be the ugly duckling yet again in an acting situation should I be selected for same. And yet this is what I am in every class day at UofL.

The thought of doing other than acting in a theater setting is not something that appeals to me at all. I wouldn’t be satisfied to be less than on stage. So I put an application into Heyman Talent Agency and submitted a character picture of me as Haley in UTC. Who knows what will come out of this. I am convinced that it will take more than submitting such; it seems to require some more than the systematic approach for getting accepted into anything.

In every situation in my life where I was interested in joining up with some organization it took more than an application to do so. This includes BSA, NNS, Wm &Mary, Tenneco, Executrain, UofL, BCofL, and Midland Trail GC. So it won’t be any different for me to be associated successfully with Heyman Talent Agency. I also need to enroll in Acting II for the spring semester. This will put me in the arena once again. My Achilles heel seems to be memorizing lines but I think this will get easier as I do more.

It is interesting that I can’t seem to get myself to memorize for the sake of it; I need to be able to recite those lines. This was/is true for Putievil, Psalter, R&J, UTC, and others. I don’t have the incentive to memorize without the performance/ recitation in front of a group. I think this is one of the bugaboos of the audition/ application process. I’m doing things without the required performance. I memorized the “All the World’s a Stage” for the audition and it was lack luster.

The possibility of working in Adult Education once again has arisen from a phone call made by Jeff Owens, with or without the knowledge of Diane Ernst. It seems that he thinks the program is in trouble, Diane is distracted with personal problems, and the person now doing my classes is not doing a very good job. This may be something on which to follow up. I’ll talk it over with Jim Schorche today. I have to remember that Diane may not know about Jeff’s call. In movies about acting it seems to have been stressed that the actor be employed somehow when not acting. The AE job would be good for this because it is part-time and never expected to be full time. It could be worked around the LTM and trips to Evansville, around acting classes, around whatever else is going on except travel for extensive periods, which I will probably not be doing.

So, AE becomes time filler. Do I need time fillers? I have 18 endeavors upon which I spend my time now; do I need another? This one is for pay, but then I don’t really need to be paid, do I? It would bring me into contact with others, now this is a plus because almost all of my endeavors don’t. Admitted that golf, pool, and French do so but not the others. Then there are the relationship bugaboos that crop up. These are inherent in any and all contact that I have with others. I am misanthropic to a great degree, I don’t like anyone very much, I’m critical and judgmental, especially with respect to women whom I don’t know or know and don’t like. I suppose I have some feelings of inferiority, unfounded as they may be, and this causes me to be the way I am.

Oddly, I know that I am unique but feel that others think I am inferior until I prove myself otherwise. In fact, nobody gives a second thought to me. But then I see evidence of others being less than accepting of me; best example is Dick. He puts on the front of being my friend but has engaged in some less than flattering remarks about me to others. This is his way of assuaging his own sense of self worth. Like I said previously, my life is not interesting enough to others to be of note to anyone else.

If this is the case, and I’m sure it is, why do I even give the slightest consideration to what others may be thinking. First of all, they aren’t thinking about me; second of all if they have a poor opinion of me that isn’t going to change without them seeing some evidence to the contrary. I suppose trying to make something happen is when it becomes important. Letting something happen is a whole lot easier than trying to make something happen. Charlie is trying to make something happen over in Evansville and he’s struggling. Companies everywhere are trying to make something happen and are facing the same problems. It takes time, money, patience, cleverness, and a lot of dedicated effort to try to make it rain. And then it rains because the conditions are right and not because of anything anyone did.

Oh well, I’m not getting anywhere with all of this. If I pick my fight, I get beat; if I let the fight come to me, I’m not satisfied with it; and if I don’t do anything, there’s a good possibility that nothing will happen. The world will keep turning and people will keep milling about but without me participating in the fray. That’s what it boils down to, I want to participate; I see acting as a way of doing it satisfactorily; I don’t want relationships beyond the immediate task at hand; yet I want friends and acquaintances that are satisfying to meet some need for acceptance and approval.

Direction

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Yesterday was the second meeting I had with my counselor and I am a little unsure of him. It almost seems that he has a predetermined prescription for me and is not very interested in the details of my thinking or my life. Well, this may be a good thing because I am interested in an objective third party and not necessarily a pal. It is, however, a little disappointing that I am not interesting enough to generate a desire to know more about me. This is the story of my life, not interesting enough to want to know more. C’est la vie, literally.

One benefit from this meeting was an exercise he/we did in visualizing an intended outcome. He had me imagine that I was in a theater, once through the doors I was to take my seat in a comfortable place, and the lights dimmed for the performance. The curtain went up and there I was on stage, acting. The role I played was of my own choosing and I took Sinclair of UTC. Acting opposite was Tiffany and she was missing her lines to me; I was catching same and getting back to her in context without allowing the audience to know that we were ad lib mode. The visual that he had me create included feelings, smells, etc. The more vivid and real I could make it the better/deeper the impression and the effect.

This morning I took it a step farther; in bed, before arising, I went through this same process for the first of my dailies, “Greeting this day with love in my heart, I am nicer.” The results were evident; I had a certain sense of being so all day, even until now. It seems that I could do this for each of my dailies in turn, one per day and keep repeating the process over and over. Eventually the desired states of mind represented by each of them will become real to me. In the meantime, I will continue to recite the entire list daily since that is what keeps me on track during the day; visualization will deepen the effect considerably.

There was more. Earlier in the session he listened to my kvetching about being unsuccessful in interviews and auditions. He said it could be that I was over or felt under-prepared and, therefore, lacked spontaneity. This rang a bell; often I am/was/have experienced a mental lock-up in an interview when I am trying to anticipate the interviewer’s direction. I let my impressions of what I think the other is after get in the way of my answers.

Jim recalled to me my successful interviews and lack of preparedness v. my unsuccessful where much time was spent in preparation. He said that perhaps I was overdoing the preparation. This fits right into a recent insight that I had. There is an analogy between this and a cross-country trial on horseback.

The rider can walk the course, measure the distances, envision the strides and the take-off points but the horse cannot see the course before the competition. He has to take each obstacle under the hand of the rider as it comes up to him. So too would the being prepare for an audition/interview; have a strategy in mind and not a script. The more strategic the preparation, i.e. less scripted, the more flexibility one has when in the audition. This is also an opportunity to apply visualization to “set” the strategy and give the personae maximum flexibility in the execution of the interview.

It is necessary to be ready to accept rejection without recrimination. IyamwotIyam and if that’s not good enough, so be it. One can’t be so focused on getting the part, job, or sale that his mind is strapped in too tightly. Some of my failed interviews fit this pattern, one failed for lack of strategy, one failed because an interviewer had an ax to grind, and for some, I just wasn’t the person for the part. The successful had a specific goal, e.g. NNS&DD Co, and then go for it.

Another analogy that works is the director of a play, in his director’s notes session at the end of each rehearsal as he makes his direction known in more than the stage direction he gave during rehearsal; then in the private sessions where he takes the actor aside and schools him in his role. The personae then know how to perform, how to act as they go about the world that day. This is that which visualization provides.

In a Gurdjieffian sense, the brain is part of the body and the personae are the riders of the analogous horse, or actors for the analogous director. The visualized states of being are those decided upon by higher level personae as desired states. The visualization is setting the mood for the performing personae.

All of this gets me closer to one of my aims, which is to have my thoughts, words, and actions reflect the ideals of my dailies. It will likewise move me to identifying more clearly what I want to do with my remaining lifetime. When I reflect on this I keep coming back to acting. I said it to Jim, I have lost my desire to trust others in organizations, but in a cast of players, it is my experience that one can trust his fellow actors to play their role as it is defined in the play. So I can participate in an organized creative activity and expect good results. The cast is dedicated to the performance and not personal aggrandizement or greed. This is one big difference between acting and business that makes it palatable to me; plus being in front of an audience and doing that of which the vast majority of others are fearful.

Like pool, golf, and sketching it is a skill that requires a lot of dedicated effort, work.