Happy Birthday!

It is after midnight of December 24/25 and I am now officially in my 71st year, yesterday was my 70th birthday. One could ask how I feel about this and the answer is simple, no differently. This is the same answer that one would hear from just about anyone telling the truth about it. A better question would be how do you feel now compared to when you were 40, or 50, or 60. That is a more difficult answer to give.

One difference is in the quickness of wit; I am a lot slower now than before. I listen to/watch Conan O’Brien interviewing another young person, just for an example, and I notice how rapidly the exchanges are made. This is true not only of him but many others who are under say 50 years old.

 Another difference is an increase in my sensitivity towards others, especially in what I say. Earlier years would have had me making observations that I may have considered astute, honest, and constructive but in fact could easily have caused hurt feelings and hard feelings.

 A third is the level of understanding to which I have come when I observe the behavior of others. I can see/understand from where some people are coming and tolerate, even accept the different point of view, the different thinking, the different set of standards they are using to guide their actions/thoughts. There are other differences as well but these are the main.

One of my responsibilities now is to maintain this brain-body so that I can continue to fulfill the purpose of the being, who is the “my” in this sentence. The brain-body is the vehicle for development of the being. At some point in the lifetime of this brain-body, an eternal being entered it and took his place within; it could have been at any time in the lifetime from first breath to now.

 For a long time I thought it was first breath, and it may well be; but now I think it could be later, almost any age. I became aware of him somewhere in the mid nineteen nineties but he could have been lurking within from a much earlier time.

 The major portion of my development started during long walks but the antecedent activities were important as well; being introduced to the ideas of the 4th way; my short time with the Georgetown group; my readings all during the intervening times even up until now; and the exposure throughout my life to people who had an influence on me that went beyond the mundane. So, I don’t know when in-habitation took place but it may have come later than previously thought.

It could have happened after college, or maybe during same, or maybe much earlier in the younger years of this lifetime. My imagining as a boy included many of the scenes that came to pass later in my lifetime. There have been attractions to locations where we lived and visited; an attraction to Newport News, to the Chesapeake Bay, to Sydney Australia, to Chantilly France, to “the North” in England, to Louisville, to San Francisco, to Hawaii, and a much earlier attraction to sailing.

There are attractions to horses, cooking, French, and on and on. All of this could be coincidence or it could be permanent personae who simply enjoy seeing these locations in their current state and who enjoy continuing some satisfying activities that went on in their lifetime(s).

 In-habitation is much like any other set of circumstances in which we find ourselves, when it happens is not important, that it happened— is.  Just like when it happened is not so important, also not is what has happened to date. Important is what happens from this date forward in this lifetime. When one considers a person like Jesus Christ, and there were more than one like him in history, who reaches a point of development that transcends physical existence; one realizes that this won’t be the last lifetime for this being.

In a big way, as I sit here and ponder the possibility of living another lifetime in the circumstances that are shaping up for the future now, I am not all that enthused about it. But then, I won’t be the one who will make the decision, it is the being within that continues to exist after the death of this brain-body.

 There has been a great deal of development taking place over the past 15 or so years, not nearly enough to expect being accepted into the ranks of the purely spiritual world, where a being can continue to develop without a brain-body in-habitation.

 So the being that continues, with perhaps the old and some newly made permanent personae, may look upon another lifetime with enthusiasm and the anticipation of making the most of it regardless of the situation that may exist in the world at that time.

The reluctance felt is caused by what are seen as the projection of the current set of conditions and extrapolating them into the future. The experiences of this lifetime are such that the conditions that can be projected to exist are frightening.

 But this is why the fabled drinking from the river of forgetfulness was invented. It is a way of accepting a new lifetime; it is also an indication that memories, pegged to emotions, die along with the brain –body; and yet, there are some memories that have come through from previous lifetimes. These are usually snippets and not extensive emotional experiences. These little memories are candy to the permanent personae.

 I, the all inclusive self, don’t necessarily want to have to cope with ever expanding technology that can distract one from his development; but if presented with a new, fresh brain-body, unaware of the experiences of this lifetime or any previous, I may look at, for example, holographic projections of sporting events or theatrical productions with excitement. The master function, who is totally concerned with getting to the next level, is not phased by what happened, for good or ill, in previous lifetimes. He is moving on from here as soon as he is ready.

How Do We Stack Up

If one can imagine a population of 6 billion people on the globe; distributed on continents, which are mostly geographic, and then within cultures, which are somewhat geographic on those continents, and then try to establish one’s position, rank, or place in that population, one would have to admit that there isn’t anything very special about any one individual. And yet, when we think of our family, when we regard people we know, we think of some as important and constantly compare ourselves to a wide range of others.

There are some notable characters alive today in our presence to which we pay a sort of homage. These are people in the news, in positions that affect our lives for good or ill, and people that behave in such a manner as to call attention to them. There is a curiosity about what all of these are doing and that curiosity is slaked by public media including Internet sites, TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, and books. A significant portion of our economy is engaged in attempting to satisfy our curiosity about these others.

Then there are those which we know personally, with whom we interact, and these too are the object of our curiosity. We note what happens in their lives and make comparisons and judgments about them, with some we would like to have closer relationships because they represent or have something that we like or lack. We watch in awe, amusement, general interest, envy, pity, and regret; and the view changes from time to time as we observe their ever changing behavior. As we observe, we are being observed and so it goes.

There are great divides among public, acquaintance, friendship, and family. The interest level changes along a continuum from occasional, i.e. whenever we see, hear or read something, to constant, when we make inquiries to keep current in the know. There is the constant feeling that we are missing out on something interesting or important.

While we are doing all of this, we are comparing what we are doing to what we see and hear. This comparison is often what causes dissatisfaction with our personal image, possessions, perceived status, and social group. This dissatisfaction springs from a lack of certainty that what we are doing, as a being, is not in the interest of developing into a totally spiritual being. Relieving this dissatisfaction causes us to take action.

In here there are many personae, if you’ve been following my thinking you’ll know what I mean, and each of these is seeking developmental experiences that would lead to permanence, i.e. becoming one with Master as a totally spiritual being. Comparing where he is to where he thinks he should be is what causes him to imagine ways to get there. When the feelings are strong enough or when enough personae feel the same way, then the being is caused to take action that will move him towards the desired end. Once setting off in that direction, other personae can see that it is not beneficial to them in achieving their more parochial ends and create what is known as cognitive dissonance, or internal second guessing.

It could be that Master knows what is to be done across many lifetimes to get there, and that personae think they know what has to be done in this lifetime to be part of that, so Master guides and personae strive. When these are synchronized, there is a sort of bliss. When personae are trying to satisfy something not along that line, then Master backs off and we see excesses in the form of narcissistic attempts at satisfaction, a sort of emotional gluttony. This could be the genesis of saying, “Thy will be done in heaven and on earth,” meaning we (personae) are willing to subordinate the satisfaction of our individual desires to that/those of Master.

Imagination is the friend and foe of development. On the one hand, being able to see, to imagine what one would be, is a good thing if it is consistent with what Master wants, on the other is can lead to excesses that satisfy one or another persona’s temporal desires to the detriment of the longer term goal of Master. Imagination is a tool of the brain-body to be used by the stronger influence. When certain personae get strong enough to work their will on the being, then imagination is the foe of development. When personae maintain their commitment to development of the being as a whole, then imagination can be a friend. So imagination is not a distraction unless it is inappropriately applied, just like any other tool. A hammer is fine when driving nails but not for brushing one’s teeth. The same can be said of decision-making, which is another of the brain-body tools. As with all of our tools, they are neutral until used, useful to development if used appropriately and detrimental if not.

Beings among us who are developing quietly are not necessarily noticed. This is one of the paradoxes of our temporal existence. It isn’t even important to look for them, their development in no way impacts ours. They may be an example but then our circumstances are different and our personae are not the same so there isn’t a direct correlation. Our development is our own task. The paradox is that those in the public eye are not usually those on a developmental course but more involved in the excessive satisfaction of appetites, the aforementioned emotional gluttony. These are held up to us as examples and curiosities. If we see them in their proper light, we see them as an example of what not to do.

It is a “cut and try” existence that we have. It is necessary that we always look for courses of action that are consistent with development. It is likewise necessary that we always be willing to give up some course of action when we find it not. I will persist until I succeed, I persevere.

Two Things

It seems that this is a good thing to do before I begin my plotting and scheming for the week ahead. It is always better to get one’s head cleared of distracting thoughts before going into the planning mode. There are so many distractions out there that erasing the board is important before setting down some distinct accomplishments for the week ahead. And too, it is good to give some thought to the things that are already out there, planned for the week ahead.

There is also a trap into which one may fall, i.e. thinking too much about some one thing or another, especially speculating about what others may be thinking about this or that. It has been my experience that others don’t think about that which we think they are. At the same time there have been instances when the imagery of another’s thoughts has been so strong that it seemed that we were somehow in tune. Yes, I believe that our thoughts are communicated in some manner one to another, especially when in the close proximity of the other and even when not.

The possibility that we can communicate thought(s) through sound, and I don't mean the words said, seems to be somewhat real. I notice when encountering an animal, especially a barking dog, if I think kindly thoughts and whistle softly in its direction, it stops barking and calms down. Same with horses; if one approaches them with a soft whistle while giving thought to what is desired, say to take them to ride, the horse seems to acquiesce. G. advised Madam Dehartman to keep her mind focused on renting the required rooms for the required price and not to be concerned with the topic of conversation, IOW to stay focused mentally on the desired even while talking about s.t. else; and in this case she got the rooms for the desired price.

There seems to be a communication that occurs that transcends spoken words and this is the value of face-to-face conversations/meetings. Although I think that it can occur on telephone or even Email. On telephone by the nuances of the voice, by word choice, hesitations, IOW the emotional content. In Email, it could be emotional content stored in the content of the message, usually word combinations. That may be it; there is an emotional component to the communication that is conveyed during the intellectual passing of information. In the case of animals, unless it is an animal that has come to understand certain sounds, it is completely an emotional reaction to what is perceived.

Humans, due to the high content of Intellectual source in their being, have developed words/language to convey the message content; and the development of writing, which freezes the words in/on media for interpretation by others, even after all the parties to the communication are dead and gone.

Our lives are governed by such; some examples are the constitution of the United States, laws, the Bible, the Koran. These interpretations are often rehydrated with emotional content when currently considered. The Islam debacle, the Spanish Inquisition, the Crusades, the missionary zealots of all faiths, are examples of emotional inflation of sometimes ancient writings.

Yet even with all of these added features, humans contemporaneously communicate on the emotional level and do it without even knowing it. Some are more aware of it than others; people involved in theater seem to have an uncanny sense of this. It is called intuition, and they are so confident of their ability with it that they make decisions about people based on it. Understanding that this is true, laws have been passed and enforced by agencies of various governments on down to human resources departments of organizations, to eliminate the emotional content of dealing with those in an organization.

As an aside, it seems that many laws are passed to take emotional responses out of consideration. History has demonstrated that emotional responses are irrational and lead to actions that are later found to be inappropriate. Take capital punishment for example, the representatives of society have said that certain people are deemed so undesirable that they are not to remain a part of society, no matter how remotely they are kept from it. Since no one wants to be guilty of wrong doing in carrying out this sentence, there are often long delays from the pronouncement to the execution.

There are ways to verify all of the above but I won’t take the time nor commit the resources required to do so. It is the same with many conclusions reached in my thinking. They are good enough for me and I don’t make them dogmatic so that if later evidence shows them to be erroneous, I discard them. This is called development. At the same time, I don’t preach or argue the point with anyone and this is because I haven’t gone beyond the “I think…” phase of it.

I want a horse to train for eventing; this is a strong desire and one that has been with me for many years now; at least since riding here in Kentucky and at the Horse Park on Alice. At this juncture I have the time, the money, and the inclination.

I wonder about my motives. Is it my misanthropy? Is it my reluctance to engage with others and seeing the association with a big strong animal like a horse as a substitution? Perhaps it is.

“People are more interesting than horses,” is a conclusion I reached early in my career but now I am not interested in having people do my will, but I still want to impose my will on some living creature and as far as I am concerned a horse is only second to people. Furthermore, the horse doesn’t try to impose its will on me; or woe to it if it does.

People always eventually go their own way so there is no permanence in a relationship. The horse will be there, as long as I want it to be, whereas people can opt out of a relationship at any time.

What Are You Saying?

One of my endeavors is writing; this is the 50th blog entry I am writing and they are all 1000 words and about 1.5 pages of manuscript. So I’ve written the equivalent of 75 pages of a book or whatever. The entries are discrete and when I re-read them, from time to time, the meaning may even shift a little for me. It is difficult to say what meaning a reader would get out of these entries.

Writing requires a discipline that I don’t have, or have not fully developed at this time. Readers preferences are different because each reader is an individual and tastes vary from Jack Webb (just the facts) to those who found “Life is a Jigsaw Puzzle” to be a work of great fiction.  This particular book dealt with a cast of characters each involved in a different sort of total waste of time, just as is a jigsaw puzzle in the mind of the author.

 My writing may leave too many conclusions open to the reader. This is justified because I am the only intended reader and my ideas and the development thereof are personal and aren’t intended to convince anyone else although I don’t discourage or disparage others from reading them.

I keep reminding myself that my ideas about and understanding of life and living are still evolving and sometimes even go in directions that turn out to be erroneous. I look back over some of my writing on the subject which was written more than 10 years ago and compare that to where I am today and see how much development has taken place.

 This is my main objection to organized religion, which I have voiced more than once in previous entries. Once a religion puts something down as dogma, it cannot be easily changed and/or abandoned. For example, when the “Eucharist” was finally admitted to be what it is and not something else, it caused the faithful great angst; to the extent that a whole generation continued/s to hold “perpetual adoration” of a piece of bread because they are/ have been convinced that it is the precious body of Jesus Christ.

Back to writing and the discipline; I suppose one has to pick his audience and then write for it. I read the clinical report of the Elephant Man and then I read the novel about the same subject, both agreed in fact so the movie was based on both. I enjoyed the clinical much more than the novel because I was interested in just the story. Some authors take away that privilege by supplying the fiction and telling the story completely. The art of this kind of writing is in the subtext, the hidden meanings, the symbols, the nuances that later on give students of literature such a challenge.

So, there is the text book (non-fiction) where the author is striving for the greatest/ most complete exchange of meaning and fact, and at the other extreme is the poem, where the author is putting it out there for the reader to interpret in his own way. Most fiction of more than a few hundred pages is of the second type except that it isn’t recognized as poetry. Some historical novels take the path in between and do a great service to the understanding of the times/events upon which the novel is based. Agatha Christy strings the reader along with great obfuscation and the reveals the truth at the end while the reader has spent his imagination trying to figure it out before he gets there.

Is there something else at work here? Are the muses Calliope, Erato, Thalia, and Clio taking an active role in inspiring the mind of the writer? Are other entities influencing the writer to take on this or that subject, or is it the imagination, skill, and discipline of the writer, who understand his craft so well that he does the research, that develops the story.

When I read the more clinical treatment of the story of the Elephant Man, I admit that I wanted more development, more explanation, more insight into his feelings and those of the people around him. I came away wanting more and made up for it by imagining how I thought it may have been. The good writer will give enough facts, details, elaboration, and explanation to allow the reader to get a complete story. Then if the reader disagrees or wants to imagine a different set of scenarios, that’s OK; he at least has a fully detailed story from which to launch.

This type of reader is like unto a screen writer/script writer who takes another’s book /story and adapts it to the screen or stage. Often the story is changed significantly from that of the original. One glaring example of this is the contrast between the movie and the book, “In a Lonely Place.” The book was a good story of a delusional killer whereas the movie was the story of a wrongfully accused person. The book led one to believe that the killer was innocent while all of those around him understood that he wasn’t. For my money a much better treatment than that of the movie; it was an Igotcha.

All of this is leading up to a conclusion for me and my writing, I am finding out that skill in any endeavor is not easily assimilated; success comes only after much work and practice, much criticism and collaboration. At the rate I am going I am not going to make it to the altar of literary fame and fortune. There is work to be done on the second and third lines that is not. I’m on a team in pool, a conversation club in French but not associated with writers, not working as a writer, not developing beyond what I can do by myself; I am working along the first line but not the second or third lines. It is important to be working along all three lines at the same time; this leads to effective development.

My Five Way Test

“Call people to ‘do’ with me.” This is a statement from my task list and it came from my weekly planning session. I put this out there a long time ago and continue to bob and weave, duck and parry and not do it.

I even took the strategy of going for the “no” but that too fell through. And yet there are lots of things that I do with others, just that I don’t make the call. Most of what I do relates to errands, visits to haunts such as the library, Kroger, Sam’s or some other shopping destination. You know from reading previous entries that I am a buyer and not a seller. Yet when I want something, I ask for it; to wit, I asked CarolR if she needed a horse exercised and that wasn’t a buy. So I make the call when it is appropriate to do so.

In class I remain apart because I am the ultimate in different. I am 70 and they are 20; most of what is said and done simply doesn’t interest me and I can tell I don’t interest them either. There are polite conversations and I usually start them but that is the extent of it; there is no out of class contact, nor should there be. Except at the SAC in the pool room where there I have somewhat of a gunslinger image; I am the guy to play and beat, if you can. And yet there is no out of the SAC contact either, nor should there be. So the UofL situation is as it should be; I am there for the lessons and the pool, not to build acquaintances.

It begs the question, should I be in other “target rich” environments where I can seek out and maintain some social contact. Well, I am in the Rotary Club and that is an opportunity. We, Carola and I, take advantage of the oppys and generally participate whenever we can. But here again, there is no ongoing, outside the meeting socializing that goes on.

Could it be that I just don’t have the necessary imagination to come up with things to do that might include another/others? Oh, I can think of things but my heart isn’t in them and, therefore, they don’t get followed to conclusion. This explains a long time fascination with being in sales. I say fascination because I never really followed up on that either. It becomes no fun; too much like work.

This leads to a suspicion that I may be a bit misanthropic. My experience with people has been disappointing to say the least. There have been some short term friendships that didn’t stand the test of envy and even outright jealousy. In some cases it was me and in others it was they. The better people got/get to know me the less they enjoy my company and vice versa.

There are some who try to manage their contacts but that falls through the crack 99.9/100 and the same thing is true the time or two that I tried to manage mine. It just doesn’t work out, at least for me and most that I know.

I made up a whole series of postulants about his whole thing and they are pretty much true.

GUIDELINES FOR BUSINESS SITUATIONS

Policy: Remember, without exception, the people that you are dealing with are not your friends. They are sensitive, selfish people looking out for their own interests. The guise of friendship makes it easier to talk to someone and reach an understanding but it should never be mistaken for friendship or willingness to give and take. It is always to get more in return. Accomplish all of the above in a friendly, enthusiastic, and positive way; regardless of the wording, it isn’t meant to be mean spirited or harsh.

The Five Way Test:
1) Will handling of this request take me toward my stated purpose?
2) Is it the truth?
3) Is it fair to all concerned, especially my family, my company, and me?
4) Will it build goodwill and friendships, and not be resented afterwards?
5) Will it be beneficial to all concerned, the other parties and my family, my company and me?

Guidelines:
1) My first task in making any contact is to objectively establish the reason.
2) This is not a friend. Conclude nothing about the other, find out.
3) Think through agreements and commitments. Examine my motives for agreeing and committing.
4) Be willing to accept not reaching closure. Don’t agree to anything. Can I deliver? Question it. Analyze it from a common sense and a financial point of view. Don’t agree because it is an easy way out.
5) Does it fit easily and profitably into my plan? Working towards my desired business goals is the objective. Meeting an expectation of harmony, compliance, and consideration is not the objective.
6) My reputation will improve as long as my business goals are ethical and my product performs to spec, the “feelings” of those involved are not to be considered.
Once agreement is made, deliver on time with positive attitude and comments. Take delivery on time, even demand it. This means agreed upon goods, services, or payment.

I made these up a long time ago after realizing them. IOW, this is how it works in business; in my experience it works this way all the time even up until now. There are people out there who have deceived me and I don’t have anything to do with them. There are those who have promised and not delivered after taking delivery and I don’t have anything to do with them. In fact, I do my best to live up to the above and I hold others to these standards. One has to realize that there is nothing deceptive about being objective. Arguments to the contrary are emotional reactions and we have verified that these are irrational and need to be recognized as same.

A Bit of Crowing

The fateful time has arrived when I am finished with the play, finished with the presentation in Chicago, and now I am in limbo. But first a few words of triumph for the activities just finished. The play was a huge success; my lines were delivered accurately and in character. I was the arrogant, rock star, Voltaire with just enough conviviality to keep from turning the audience against me. And the presentation/ performance/ talk in Chicago was likewise a huge success. My fellows honored me with handshakes, pats on the back, and kudos during the coffee break all of which told me that they enjoyed my performance. The whole scene was well produced and performed by yours truly.

It is now time to move on to something else. I will turn to my Performance Evolution file in a few minutes but first I want to allow myself to do a little free style thinking. The successes of last week are fine, they add to the store of successful experiences I’ve had. I suppose the first thing to do is to look at them and see if there is anything that could be considered a foundation upon which to build with further adventures along those lines. The quick answer is no. I don’t have a future in French language except as an intellectual pursuit and my future in the diplomatic world ends at the end of the year. With some imagination I could conjure up some ties to the future but they would be contrived.

If my future is in performance, then I can easily say that I have made some progress. The performances of last week deserve some review. First the play; it was in the French language which I have been studying and my part required further study and research to understand the meaning of the combinations of words that he put down. “Et cet alors que…” and “vous vennez de la voir” have meanings that aren’t readily apparent to the beginning student of French. The play itself was a study in various meanings of phrases and sentences; so the fact that it was in French was a stretch. Then it was I who designed and assembled the costume, wig, buckles, and cane; that did the make-up; who got to the place on time and ready to perform, and then perform according to script and direction.

Then the Chicago Talk; it was titled on the agenda as “The Fortunes and Misfortunes of an Honorary French Consul in Kentucky” and I put together a series of anecdotes that represented what I have been doing for the past 15 years. There were 17 items that I put on memory pegs and they were the basis for my talk; they were my talk. I appeared in costume, business suit, starched blue oxford cloth button down shirt, red tie, French-American flag lapel pin, the corner of a white handkerchief sticking out of my coat pocket, shined shoes, and a well groomed appearance all around. I took charge of the house by asking permission to talk from the front of the room, a departure from the ordinary protocol, and then thanked the German Consul General, in German, and the FCG in French. I started my talk and went point by point to the end with the spontaneity that can only come from having earned the right to talk about each of them. The whole thing lasted 20 minutes, the prescribed time, and there was a fluency that only comes from having spent so much time in front of groups/audiences.

The next thing that I must do is find another opportunity to perform, what is so difficult to see? Oddly when I started this writing it wasn’t that apparent but it is as a large billboard along the highway, you can look at it without even seeing it. One of my Dailies is to “dream extravagantly, rehearse rigorously, and perform spontaneously,” and one of my Endeavors-What is “find, audition, learn lines, rehearse, and perform.” Easy to say but the proof is in the pudding. So far this year there have been three significant performance events: Uncle Tom's Cabin, Zadig, and The Chicago Talk and there’s an LTM in the wings but probably not this year. I know the thing to do is to let it happen. It isn’t false hope for me to say this, I know it will. When s.t. is right, you know it. This is where patience comes in to play; patience is s.t. of which I do not have tons but have learned my lessons from reflecting on past experiences. Just as UTC was a bolt out of the blue, just as the French class was not foreseen to be what it turned out to be, just as the Chicago Talk was in response to an overture from Sidy Dialo, so too will be the next opportunity to perform.

Then somewhere down the line I will be in the flow of the performance stream and appropriate roles will come along without me making extraordinary efforts to get them. This has been the way it has been all of my life. Just like riding; after a hiatus of 4 years I have started back and am now riding twice a week at reputable farm and that took one stop at the place and a short conversation with Carol Rudlof, who “just happened to be there when I came out.” Just like pool, without a clue I stopped at the BCofL and asked about it; bang I was on a team the next Wednesday night and have been since. Not only a team but with top notch players from whom I learn extraordinary techniques.

When I made efforts to buck the flow, things didn’t work out; when I went with the flow, they did. My dad even observed once that if something is supposed to happen, things will fall into place to let it. It was when we were discussing the possibility of me coming back to StL and running his business and things just didn’t seem to be falling into place. This observation has been proven to be reliable over and over again. So, we shall see.

Moving On

Saturday, October 31, 2009
This is the last day of my batching it with Carola being in California with Theresa and the kiddies; it’s been a pretty good experience. A friend at Rotary Club lost his wife six years ago, she died. He has a lot of experience in living alone and remarked that it took him a long time to get used to her being permanently gone. I won’t/don’t have that problem because Carola is coming home tomorrow.

We have another dress rehearsal tomorrow afternoon and performances on Tuesday and Thursday next week. The play is coming together nicely; Dr. Greene has a lot of experience in all of this and lets it evolve week after week. He also has a lot of creativity. Faced with an unusual class member, he invented a character, Voltaire, wrote an introduction, and a mid-play continuum for the character and it works together very nicely. He has also taken care of the music, the lights, the videotaping, and publicity. I noticed he had director’s notes during the last rehearsal, something I thought he’d been missing. For a French class, this has been a growth experience for me.

I’ve written about self-doubt and what follows is not that but rather an attempt at taking an objective look at where I am and how I am doing in that class. On the positive side, I am in the class, know my lines, and interact somewhat with others in the class. I am not butting in to give any kind of advice or counsel to anyone; not suggesting anything, not directing in any way. I am also not helping with tasks that others have had assigned to them. 

On the less positive side, I am uptight about my lines, not relaxed and “In character.” My lines are not that long or involved, and I know them. My costume is great, as is my makeup. The only reason I am not loose and in character may be the language thing. I am still thinking too much about what and how I am delivering them instead of letting Voltaire come through. That will be my goal tomorrow.

It is now late in the afternoon, I slept until 9am and left the house to go riding at eleven; back at 1:30pm, and I ate lunch and fooled around with Sudoku until about now. For some reason, the small of my back has muscle spasms and I am dealing with that now. They started after lunch and could have been the result of riding and/or not doing two critical stretches this morning because of a belly full of breakfast. I am going to have to let these subside by not doing much of any exercise or work; or perhaps doing the stretches that I missed, and/or doing the straps to force the relaxation of the muscles.

The week has been productive but I am willing to admit that there hasn’t been a lot on my plate; and this is probably a good thing. I am content with having to concentrate on the play and the presentation at the Consul’s meeting next Friday. We are all set to go to Athens Georgia for John’s graduation from a Navy School and to go to California for Thanksgiving. I’ve kept up with my dailies and weeklies, the laundry is done, the house is the same as when Carola left, some of mom’s effects are gone, others staged for moving, the kitchen is clean, the yard is fine so it isn’t as if I haven’t been doing anything. It’s more of the feeling that I often have, of not doing anything of consequence.

All the while I am concentrating on this one single thing, the play; Dr. Greene is likewise as well as teaching a myriad of other classes and preparing a paper to give at a symposium sometime in November. Others in the class are not only doing the play but also handling a list of classes that would not be possible for me. Although it is hard to admit, age has a lot to do with it. Ed Causey warned me that I would be slowing down, i.e. unable to handle lots of simultaneous major issues. This is a generic issue that affects all people. It is important that I recognize it and continue to allow myself some slack.

It continues to be important to pick that one thing upon which I will concentrate when the play is over. It will be the presentation on Nov 6 and then there may be an LTM in Evansville starting up shortly thereafter. Jack called this week to tell me they are shooting for November 11, although it may be shoved back a few weeks or all the way to January; it will be difficult to get all seven sessions in before Xmas.

Since I’ve made my decision to continue acting/ performing, I will be making my overtures to Dr. Tompkins for Acting ii as well as taking some time to find the various stage opportunities that exist locally. I am aware of several and have been seeing them here and there as I drive around. Acting ii is important because it will prepare me; finding the locations allows me to get a feel for what/where I may be performing. I may go to productions at the various locations just to experience the milieu. These two things are significant and important to my continuing on this course of action. Should Dr. Tompkins refuse me, I will have to find another source of preparing me for the stage.

One of the things I became aware of during the past couple of months, and s.t. that is expanded in a previous blog, is the role of preparation in success. I even made a 2x2 of it with the x-axis being a continuum of preparation from general to specific and the y-axis being lo and hi achievement. The four quadrants are 0-0 couldn’t figure it out, 0-1 success in unchartered territory, 1-0 inexperienced, 1-1 success expected. The conclusion is the obvious, the better prepared one thinks he is, the higher the expectation of success.

Wrap Up

Monday October 26, 2009

I’m still thinking about the three demons that bothered me. Even though I’ve reconciled myself to them, rendered them harmless, I’ve taken another tack to complete the process.

I can readily see that yes, I am inferior to many others; that I have taken a wrong turn or two in attempting things, IOW I’ve failed a time or two; and that self-doubt is actually a good thing if it doesn’t disable.

We are going through a lot of old pictures and memorabilia that mom left behind. There were stages through which I went as I lived through this lifetime. Always engaged in some pursuit or another and always achieving some degree of success. That is the key word, some degree of success. Performance is relative. The quality of it depends on how well one is prepared for the task. A performance that hasn’t been rehearsed will flop. With this thought in mind I went at it from another angle.

Looking at all of the things that I tried, some were higher on the success grade than others. Judging the results of any attempted activity, one would be wise to look at the bell shaped curve of normal distribution, i.e. all of the people in one’s world, and take a judgment call, put a point on the x-axis where this one’s results may fall in absolute terms; then put another point on the axis at the level of preparedness compared to all others.

Preparedness deserves some exposition. Preparation begins with the first recognition one has of his surroundings, at a very early age. It continues through the way his parents, his family, his extended family, teachers, and other people of influence, the environment in which one finds himself at various times during his lifetime, i.e. not only his developing years. When one has had the best of all of these, there is a good possibility that he will be in the very highest percentile of achievements. So while there is no limit to what anyone can accomplish with/in his lifetime, there are those who start with an advantage. Being properly prepared doesn’t mean success will come, it means that the possibility of success is greater.

The inferiority complex comes in when one focuses on how his situation fits into that of those with whom he is competing. The key to not being debilitated by that over which one has no control, no influence, no ability to go back and do over, is to accept reality and not try to be something or someone he isn’t. There are those who will flatter and be obsequious. Often they have an ax to grind and are not your fan club; face it, you don’t have a fan club except your wife and kids.

The common trait of all those who get to the top is strategic vision i.e. be able to state what they want. Then in the here and now, tactically at this juncture, see what they need, clearly and completely, and achieve it. Then just before that is achieved, realizing that it is coming soon, they are able to see what is next on the agenda. It is always the incremental next task, the next brick in the wall. Then there are the occasions when one gets connected to Essence and things happen rather fast. This is why focusing on that one overall strategic vision is so important. Confusion is caused by too many choices, to many high priority items and nothing happens.

One can immediately see that all of this focus on inferiority and failure is moot. It is an emotional reaction and tied to the distractions of inner-considering, and vanity. It buys us nothing but distracts us from working on aim. When one is working on aim, he is productive.

Self-doubt/approval-avoiding disapproval is another thing that needs some elucidation. On the one hand, it is important. One can’t go ahead in response to emotional reactions; so it is important to keep this/these in proper perspective. There is time for analysis and then there’s decision time. The decision is not always consistent with the analysis and these are two different and distinct features of the brain-body. Logical reasoning is one feature, decision making is another. They are two distinct and different features. The doubt comes in when these two are battling it out. Decision maker has a high level of emotional content whereas Analyzer has a high level of intellectual content. Decision maker wants to act; Analyzer wants to continue with the analysis; hence, the doubt. Unless and until analyzer is satisfied that all has been considered, then he’s comfortable with going ahead.

Approval-avoiding disapproval comes from Analyzer’s limited emotional content. It is an argument that he uses to derail Decision maker and get more analysis time. The approval-avoiding disapproval being sought is not that of others but me, or made to seem that way by Analyzer. He is the cause of paralysis by analysis, a relatively common management term. The only way to cope with this is by rational thinking and seeing it for what it is. As for approval-avoiding disapproval of other people, that’s ridiculous as long as I continue to operate sensitively, morally, ethically, and legally.

These three goofballs are always waiting in the wings to step in and add emotional turmoil to an uncertain situation. Once the statement of strategic aim is made, they go into the background again and keep to their places.

It took me several meetings with Jim to sort this all out. The three were having their way with me and, I suppose because it is all me, I wasn’t seeing it without talking it out, writing it out. In this instance there was some good work on the first level with the assistance of Jim and his various techniques. He/they enabled me to put things aright again; make a decision and go on from here.

My strategic vision is to be a stage performer; finding opportunities, auditioning, learning lines, rehearsing, and performing.

Conclusion

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The issues of self-doubt and the need for approval have been on my mind all week. Just thinking about it/them doesn’t get me anywhere, only writing it out like this allows me to put some structure to it. It is interesting to note that whenever I get an idea in mind, such as this self-doubt, it quickly gets dissolved by examples of when this same thing was overcome, when it wasn’t an issue, when I went ahead and did whatever without being concerned about it. Same for approval/ disapproval, there have been so many courses of action taken where it didn’t make a bit of difference if there was approval or not.

It would serve little or no purpose to list them because any such list would suddenly get long, boring, and be full of omissions. But just entertaining thoughts of the many examples leads me to laugh at the idea that I am plagued by these issues. Now that I am fully aware of my experiences, I am amazed that I would ever think that self-doubt and approval/disapproval were thought to be issues with me.

What led me to think they were? Since August 15 there has been a great deal of uncertainty about the future, more than I normally experience. It is as if I was dropped off at the mall and told to go buy s.t. but don’t have a clue as to what. There have been other times like these and I’ve already gone into that in previous sessions. Only this time there is a sense of mortality that is giving me pause for thought. I know that I this body won’t live forever, so I am concerned about what to do with remaining lifetime. I take solace in the concept of Being.

If a decision had to be made right now, I would say I’m going ahead as I have been. My experience has been to do whatever, if it is s.t. that suits me I continue, if not; I don’t. Ambition fueled by imagination has always given way to ambition fueled by experience where incremental improvements, almost imperceptible at the time, have accumulated to suddenly be significant. Almost like the shifting sandbars in the Mississippi around St. Louis; they form islands that have a permanency only affected by giant floods.

I started riding again and it has now blossomed into twice per week. It won’t be long until I have a horse or two, if it all works out the way it usually does. There are those with horses who can’t wait to get rid of them; sort of like boats. The happiest days are said to be the day you get one and the day you get rid of it. The difference with a horse is it is an animal, albeit one who rarely returns affection. This could be what I like about them. Sentimentalism is not one of their strong suits and I can do without it.

Then there are the rest of my endeavors, those things that I chose to chase, to spend my time doing. There is time for all of them and then some. IOW I have time available for pursuing all of them and will continue. The training/performing endeavor is one that emerges with the greatest allure. I’ve been doing it for a long, long time and I’ve embarked on a study of acting in theater. And I realize that success is in the eye of the beholder, just like French, golf, pool, riding, sketching, and writing. The possibility of being recognized publicly is always there but not s.t. to be set as a goal; there doesn’t seem to be much of a desire for it.

What will be will be; which is another way of saying that when Master has a desired path; the personae are able to recognize it and carry it out using the tools of the brain-body to give them physical expression. And there is another factor in the mix; there seems to be a connection among beings that we see as inspiration, good fortune, and beneficial circumstances. Some refer to it as a universal mind. I am somewhat skeptical about it only because it almost too good to be true but my personal experiences bear out the existence of same. I keep rationalizing it as being the result of previous experiences in this lifetime, or perhaps a former and this would explain many instances but there are some that are so big that I can’t rationalize them. I see it happen to others as well, I mean things that couldn’t just be serendipity.

The one thing that all the fortunate occurrences have in common is an intention. All were consistent with an intended path/ desired course of action. None of them were like winning the lottery; IOW, the College didn’t come to me and say we’ve decided that you should come here and get your MBA. And this is the ingredient that if forming at the moment, the major purpose and it is stage acting. Now I’ve said it, this is what it is at least for now. All of my performances of the past, the present, and the future support this goal and it is exactly parallel to my pool playing endeavor.

I played pool casually for a long time, getting more and more serious about it until now I’ve joined the APA, play on a team in a league, study, practice, and compete. I am a skill level 3 of possible 7, and I play at that level and it doesn’t deter me. There has been gradual improvement, augmented by breakthrough experiences, and finally I'll achieve a command of the game that will push me to higher skill levels. It will take time and continuous study, practice, play, and competition.

So here I am, I’ve said the obvious, I am making the commitment, and going forward on the same path on which I have been. It started with Creative Writing class, Playwriting Class, then Acting I, Romeo and Juliet, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, and now Zadig, Ou la Destinee.

The Horse

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Yes, all of the analysis that I’ve done is fun, good, and thoughtful/ thought-provoking. It doesn’t lead directly to any result but it sets the stage for understanding better what is/ could be.

 It is the result of personae that are primarily influenced by the intellectual source and this is where the idea of a bridge comes in. There has to be a way of getting from the thoughtful analysis to the desired result. So far the path has been mostly circuitous. A little analysis, a little planning, a little articulation of what may be dreams, and then some listed tasks that are accomplished because they are listed and reminders are posted. There are few things that get listed that don’t get done, and those that aren’t finished will be in due time. The time or two that personae of primarily the emotional source got involved, the accomplishment of even the larger goal was seemingly effortless.

There is no direct link between analysis and task. This is an important statement because one may think that there is a linear progression from one to the other. It doesn’t happen that way, the analysis establishes the environment for thinking of what is desired and then from that what to do. Not everything done, of course, comes out of this process; there are some things that crop up and with which we must deal.

There are dangers, one danger is to get so detailed in the planning that there is no time to spare to be spontaneous. Then there is another, the danger of not having s.t. listed to remind one of what to do; there is a tendency to idle by doing s.t. that is totally unproductive like Sudoku, reverie, or TV. Not that these are inherently bad but they have a tendency to create their own inertia, i.e. once started they seem to take much more time than one would otherwise chose to spend.

Having good habits and becoming their slave is a way to always be focused on a desired state of being. By conforming to habitual behavior and/or thinking one complies with a predetermined wish/desire. One habit that is paramount for this one is reciting a series of Daily Admonitions/ Affirmations.

There are more than 30 and, in addition, statements of “how to” for each of the 18 endeavors; that is a total litany of more than 50 statements that is recited habitually daily in the car as I drive out of the neighborhood to wherever or at home when I’m in for the day. So I am constantly reminded of how I want to be and what I want to do. One may ask on what level am I focusing my attention in all of this. And the answer would be primarily in the Intellectual and this is what has to be changed/modified to include the emotional.

The aforementioned bridge is to get quickly and effortlessly from the thought to the action and it spans the gap between the intellectual and the emotional. Unless and until the emotional influences of personae are engaged, he will always be standing by, stroking his chin and analyzing what is/ is not happening. While this may be fun for him, lifetime is passing, lifetime during which only action and participation lead to development and fulfillment. In our crystal rider and horse analogy, the reaction of a horse to the rider's cue is emotional (a real horse thinks please don’t punish me) as he tries his best to figure out just what it is wanted.

It is correcting previous errors in this schooling that allows an effective bridge between the intellectual and emotional influences; emotional influences that may have become warped through what are thought to be bad experiences. Retraining the emotional parts of the personae to accept what has happened without judging it as good or bad is a key to forming a positive response.

 Then at some magic moment the reaction may become naturally positive and action taken to achieve a desired end w/o even thinking about. Aside: language is such a phenomenon- we study, practice, stumble and make mistakes until one day voila, we are there in a conversation, thinking in French, or whatever. The emotional influence overcomes previous experiences of feeling inadequate and confidence takes over; one “feels” good about usng his new language. It is the same for many other skills; one day you realize you are doing it and not even thinking about it.

So here I sit on a beautiful Sunday afternoon analyzing and writing it out when if I knew what to do I’d be out there doing it. And I know what to do because I spend time thinking about it. What I am doing here is an attempt to better understand how it works so it can be applied more effectively and effectively. Perhaps get to the point where writing it out is not all that important any more.

 I’d say that the vast majority of people don’t go to the same extremes as I to figure out what to do. They don’t keep a log, they don’t do a list of things to accomplish, and they lose track of what they wanted to accomplish and wake up one day without it because they forgot to do whatever to get it.

So I will continue to pursue my goals as I have been since Houston, and after that fateful day in Knoxville, and continue to get what I want, eventually. The big difference is adding emotional content to the mix. Another hurdle that will have to be crossed is objections from those around me to me getting whatever. Since they don’t share the same goals and remain stubborn in trying to deny me my way, it is a problem to solve.

Oil and Water

Friday, October 16, 2009

It’s a down day; I slept until 10am and still feel like I could sleep some more. I planned to do this because yesterday there was a certain base level of fatigue that showed up in my performance in class and in public generally. When I review what I’ve been doing I see that there has been a lot of physical activity and perhaps I need a day of rest. Today is that day. Although I may go for a walk at about 4:30pm in order to get my circulation up for the pool match tonight.

Self-doubt is a constant companion to me. Whenever I expose my actions to anyone, I feel threatened; that’s the right word but it needs to be explained a little bit. It isn’t a feeling that I am physically threatened but being opened to question and ridicule; questions that I can’t anticipate and, therefore, feel that I would answer inappropriately and get myself into a bind, and ridicule, being seen as inferior/stupid.

I’ve been aware of this ever present critic for a long time so this isn’t new to me. It seems that she comes out whenever I do something new or even when I don’t do it. It is an emotional response to something and I’m not sure what. If I call s.o. to do s.t., especially if it is new, while I’m making the call I get these feelings of doubt: should I be asking this, will I be thought somehow being seen as inferior, is this s.t. I should/ shouldn’t be doing, am I going to get into trouble about this, am I being a pest, are people seeing me as needy, am I needlessly calling attention to myself?

And yet I know that all of the above is irrational. People have their opinion of me; what I say and do first of all tends to reinforce that opinion and only secondly could begin to change that opinion if enough evidence is offered to reinforce a new and changed opinion. It is my experience after listening to many personal accounts, after seeing evidence to support it in the actions of others, that people willingly change their opinion of s.o. else rather quickly if the other exhibits a willingness to improve.

I sent Emails to Rinda, Prof Tompkins, Prof RussV inviting them to see our production of Zadig. It is a perfectly legitimate thing to do. Yet right up to the time that I was composing the Email, there was self-doubt about doing such a thing. Irrational, yes it is, and I recognized it as such and went ahead and sent the messages. RussV already replied saying he couldn’t attend but that doesn’t bother me. A cynical one in here says some awful things but they are ignored. Rationally I can accept all three of them not being at the performance.

People are interested in others because we have personae that are influenced by the social source, one of the six sources of thought/action that we have. In me there are intellectually sourced personae who attempt to fathom the interest of others and somehow influence it to my advantage; to build esteem, to be bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, more (you name it) than I/we really are. These personae want to be respected players of whatever game; it is as if they want to be king of the hill in all instances.

These personae, or maybe others, have an additional feature,; they are competitive, which probably flows out of the instinctive source. They see every other being as a competitor who has to be bested; not only every other being but every other circumstance, be it a game, a deal, a skill, possessions, knowledge, capability, or relationship. They seem to come away with wanting to be better than everyone/ everything else.

The marriage of intellectually sourced and emotionally sourced personae is not working out very well in this being; it is almost as if they are oil and water. The emotional are less developed than the intellectual and others. The complicating feature of a being is that all personae have a mixture of all six sources and are recognizable as being one or the other only by the predominant ingredient. In this one it is intellectual, then instinctive, then social, then moving, then emotional, then sexual. Sexual has taken the lowest position on the influence totem probably due to age. So in personae that are predominantly emotional, the intellectual ingredient is not sufficient to allow rational analysis to equivocate the situation at hand. Ergo, an irrational response is observed by others; other beings and/or other personae of this being.

It is a tribute to intellectual personae to note that I (this being) have developed a whole series of analytical charts in order to understand emotional responses. They are logical, cogent, and rather complete as they examine all of the possible ranges of emotional responses to situations. The Intellectual can imagine/ reason/ deduce/ infer/ and then make decisions, these are the tools that the intellectual has available to it in the brain-body. The intellectual think that by understanding they can somehow be comfortable or cure a situation whereas the emotional have to experience. This underscores this rift that exists.

The emotional have to act and experience the results of that action in order to comfortably function in situations; the tools of the intellectual are not useful for situations that affect the emotional. The fear factor in this being, which is predominantly intellectual, is not being able to respond appropriately using and tools with which he is comfortable and furthermore not knowing what tools are available to the emotional. What could they be? This will have to be the subject of a later installment.

Leaving this installment with another contrast between the two sources; the intellectual require a lot of time to work out a solution to a new situation whereas the emotional operate on a quick response basis. Almost like instinctive, they realize that a response to a situation that involves them needs to be made on the spot. It is the difference between correspondence and conversation. This may be why we developed one for business, financial, and legal matters and allow the other for less important/less permanent situations.

Contact

Monday October 12, 2009

There was an unusual scenario that played itself out in my mind’s eye this morning. I sat to meditate with the express intention of putting into practice one of Jim Scorches’ techniques, one that he told me to try; he didn’t tell me the content, but the technique.

I have been struggling with his instruction/ request, “What would you like it to be like in six months?” That’s April 2010. My response has been less than specific because I have in place a full set of goals and objectives for this year and will do likewise for next year when the time is right; i.e. from the solstice to the New Year. I suppose I’m having trouble with his request because if I knew what I wanted I wouldn’t need his help to find and articulate it.

And yet this isn’t fair, it’s just that we are on different pages. I am struggling to eliminate that which is hindering me from opening the doors of my imagination and he is sitting there thinking all I have to do is say what it is I want to do. I don’t have a frame of reference for it. One of my previous blogs went into all of this. My visions contain two possibilities, one is acting in productions, and the other is participating in a business venture with others. The similarity of the two is not lost on me. The difference is the composition of the players. In the acting/productions alternative, the actors are pursuing a common goal, to be part of a successful production as well as their personal success. In the other, my experiences lead me to believe that the others are more interested in sacrificing the desired end result in favor of satisfying their greed.

I suppose being able to recognize the tendency of people to enrich themselves at the expense of the common good is s.t. that causes me a problem in looking at others; being able to deal constructively with them in an unknown environment. OTOH knowing that people are like this and building it into the business model along with protections against advantages being taken would allow one to bring others in to the organization.

The other side of the coin is that one has to be ready to operate without any one person/member because the grass is always greener and they will quit on a moment’s notice to get some sort of perceived improvement in their lot. On the third side/ the edge of the coin/ when there is a person like Albert Pujoles one has to get out his checkbook and satisfy whatever; this in the case of a small business could be a “piece of the action.” These are a lot of words to say that the greed thing is real, it is recognized, and if one wants to bring others into the organization he has to deal with it and be able to reconcile the consequences.

Then there’s a desire for more than money, for power over the dominant leader. This, like money, is s.t. with which many otherwise nice people get enthralled. They want to call the shots, especially if you tell them all the secrets of the operation. An actor wants to direct, a player wants to manage, and a worker wants to be boss. Only in a play is the actor required to remain through the end of the run. I am somewhat discouraged about being involved in a business.

This is why I am struggling so mightily with Jim’s question. I am discouraged, fearful, isolated, insulated, inhibited, and unable to deal effectively with the possibility of opening up to others with my requests for either a role or a job. This is at least one thing that is preventing me from seeing the opportunities that may be ready to be exploited. If there are lots of green objects lying about and one is wearing green filter glasses, he won’t see them.

Part of the answer to Jim’s question is a desire to take off the filters that are preventing me from seeing the opportunities that are lying about; and I’m convinced that there are a multitude of them. The experience I had this morning was a step in that direction; towards taking off the blinders, towards answering his question.

So this morning may have been another step in this direction. I imagined me going into the Rio Movie Theater. I like to recall this theater because I remember the deep blue and purple color scheme, art deco doors with such handles and round viewports, the illuminated flat statuary on the walls, the glass case concession stand in the lobby and a host of other details.

As I passed through the doors into the seating area, hundreds of personae burst out of me and took their seats. Each was behaving as he would, some were rowdy and boisterous, others were reserved and quiet, and all were animated because this was, indeed, something new. The brain-body, empty of personae, walked to a seat on the aisle, not far from the front.

Then, as would a violin emerge from a plain case, Master made his appearance from the brain-body. The audience was hushed as he made his way to center stage. Never before had his presence been seen; he often makes it felt in his inimitable way, as influence rather than sight or words. His normal way is to press but not react, so that if the results aren’t what he wants he simply waits for the next opportunity; he has eternity.

He stood there, resembling the crystal figurine but now not a figurine but the animated Master himself. He is mute, he didn’t speak, but his gestures left no doubt in the crowd of personae; there has to be an end to doubt, fear, and the distractions that deter his development. The sitting by idly while lifetime passes is no longer an option; participating in a less than a whole hearted manner cannot be tolerated; emotional responses need to be registered and discounted for what they are, distractions from getting the desired results.

One can only speculate on what desired development means for Master, one can be reassured that some personae will/ are permanent to the being and as he develops in ways that only he can know, so will they develop and move on with him to a new lifetime. His message was clear, stop marking time; get on with it, whatever it is. Do something, even if it’s imperfect.

Finalement

Sunday, October 11, 2009

It’s Sunday and time to do some plotting and scheming. My sessions with Jim Schorche are having their effect, although not like a brass band on parade. It is subtle, my attitude towards me, my picture of me, and my concept of how others may see me are all changing, evolving into something else. It seems that being impressive is no longer an issue.

Jim’s suggestions about being able to see what is desired have been problematical; I haven’t been able to articulate them until now. The visual that is coming clear to me is one of Master rising from his pallet, yawning and stretching. He looks about, in his radiant beauty, and sees the rank and file of personae looking at him wiht receptive attention. Those that were fooling around with each other, inattentive, and distracted are paying attention as well. This is the sign for which he has been looking. Now he can get on with what he wants to do with this lifetime. He knows that there is less span of lifetime available but likewise he knows that there is enough to accomplish much. He also knows that he has as many lifetimes as it takes to develop into the eternal being that he seeks to become. So, now he can get on with it.

Having this visualization is as important an accomplishment as there has ever been. Master can now direct the activities of the being instead of some personae interfering with his plans. It isn’t important to recognize, name, or identify the distracted personae, only to recognize that they do and will exist. Like the teacher in front of the class, this visualization calls them out of their self interested actions to attention to get the assignment coming down. This is another way of saying that it isn’t important to know the genesis of non-cooperative personae; they can be dealt with by reminding all that our fundamental purpose is to support the development of Master.

It remains to be seen if Master will share his vision of into what he wants to develop. It could be that he has only a vague idea of what that may be and is feeling his way along as well. Master is mute, or at least he remains remote. We, the combined group of personae and brain-body, continue to work to understand where he wants to go, at least whenever we’re not satisfying our own appetites.

"It seems that being impressive is no longer an issue." This, on the surface, is a simple statement but when one realizes all of what I did to impress, one can see that not doing so will mean a great deal to me. The efforts are/were mostly wasted because what others’ opinion of me is based on more than what I say and do; and I have no control over it and my opinion of me seems now to have changed to be more realistic.

While I won’t go so far as to say that everything I said and did was to impress, much of it was. Then there was another in me who would not talk about the daring deeds unless prodded to do so, which rarely happened. I think back over my endeavors and see that they all began as a quest for fun and accomplishment but in almost every case playing to the grandstand began to take over and the mutual satisfaction of doing for the sake of doing and for the sake of impressing was the reward.

The one I am/was trying to impress turns out to be me; that’s why talking about the deeds didn’t make much difference. I was busy proving to me that I was a superior human being and I was quite serious about it. A lot of this goes back to the Rolla experience. That was so emotionally damaging to me, I recognized it a long time ago, and only now am I coming to reconcile the whole experience. Until now it, and minor failures along the way, have evoked an emotional response. The Rolla experience was like being convicted of a crime, serving the time, and then trying to prove to the world/me that I am better than that; even after rationalizing it over and over again. This is still the case to some extent with my endeavors, but now that I recognize this motive it is easier to get past it and perform simply for enjoyment and the satisfaction of doing something well.

Another argument that I was only trying to impress me is my reluctance to talk about my deeds; doing so would open them to scrutiny and in my heart I knew that they weren't that big a deal; I did whatever and that was enough for me. An objective 3rd party may argue that what I did was trivial, that it didn’t deserve accolades, and that it was more of a “so-what?” than worthy of applause. And yet to me it was a mountain top experience that I didn’t want anyone taking away.

The end result of all of this is a realization that this lifetime has turned out to be mediocre. Here sits a well-equipped being that had all the capability of anyone else but only played support roles, never the star of a major show, in this lifetime and perhaps prior lifetimes as well. In all fairness he excellently executed /performed the roles he played.

It begs the question, why not a star? The answer lies not in the qualities of this physical brain-body because it has all the necessary to accomplish anything that Master may want. The being has experiences, personae are created and they have a definite effect on what the being does/doesn’t do. In this case it is/was a group of personae with high emotional content created to deal with perceived inferiority and fear of being seen as same by others. In this case the personae created to cope with the failure were problematical and Master said ok this isn’t going to work out too well until the situation is resolved; I’ll just wait. Master is patient; he knows all of this and works with it as best he can because he has an eternity to do so.

The Big Three

Sunday October 4, 2009

Jim Schorche said to think about what I would like life to be like in six months, that would be April, 2010. It would have something to do with participating proactively in life.

Ok, what’s wrong with this picture? Here it is Sunday, the sky is bright blue, not a cloud, the temperature is 57 degrees, a bit cool, and I am sitting here in the windowless cave listening to Beethoven and doing my plotting and scheming for the week ahead.

There’s a golf course out there with my name on its membership list, there are horses out there nibbling on grass in pasture, there are people at church, lunch, or community places talking and having a good time interacting; and I am sitting here in the windowless cave doing my plotting and scheming for the week.

There are people out there without company, as I am here. There are opportunities galore for activities, relationships, friendships, and simply acquaintance; and I am sitting here in the windowless cave doing my plotting and scheming for the week ahead.

If one can’t answer the question on the first line, he is clueless. I am not clueless in seeing what’s wrong with it; I am, however, clueless in understanding what to do about it and how to go about it.

An objective observer, and I’ll take a stab at it although I know I’m not qualified, would say that here is a man who has an emotional problem. I say that with consideration because if one agrees that all motivation is caused by personae that are able to tap into six sources/wells, then one can see by observing this being that emotional motivation is somehow warped, i.e. unable to produce the kind of action/results that are desired.

This same observer would itemize and analyze the status of the being according to the sources as follows: emotionally he is below par; intellectually he is above par; moving he is at par or slightly above; socially he is reactionary v. proactive; sexually he is almost dead; instinctively he is above par.

It is also important to recognize the relative strength of these sources. The stronger displace the weaker in situations. There are personae who are primarily one source or another, although all personae have content from all the sources, and those that are primarily stronger displace weaker. It is a matter of survival in some cases and always a matter of coping with circumstances. The strongest source is Instinctive, then Sexual, then Emotional, then Social, then Intellectual and finally Moving.

Take a situation where the safety of the being is in doubt; no matter what else is happening a persona with high Instinctive content will take over and act, and so on through all the sources. Intellectual is second only to Moving in weakness and this is precisely why a movement can be interrupted by thoughts. Often we hear the advice, don’t think during a golf swing yet this interruption by a persona of high intellectual content is often the cause of poor performance.

There are situations where personae of higher emotional content cause problems in achieving desired results usually, almost always, where other people are involved. These personae are irrational in their reluctance to act, yet they are strong enough to prevent the being from achieving desired results. The higher intellectual personae can figure it out, the moving can get him to the location, the others are quiet because they aren’t stimulated but something stimulates those with higher emotional content and it can only be categorized as fear.

Fear is a broad emotional category; one must ask, “Fear of what?” When personae of high instinctive center content perceive danger to the safety of the being, they pull out all the stops and take over. When personae of high emotional content perceive a danger to feelings of the being they tend to take over and redirect the actions/reactions to others.

Now one has to ask, “What feelings?” One set of feelings may involve recalling previous experiences of hurt and a desire to avoid repeating it. The hurt was probably caused by what was said or done by others; being shunned; i.e. judged as inferior, undesirable, or unworthy. There is probably a long list of such experiences and not one single, although picking one and analyzing it may be of some value.

There is a life progression from first memory on that allowed this to become a problem area. The neighborhood around the house had enough playmates to satisfy early needs for socialization. There are no memories of incidents that would have caused such personae to be created.

Then there was adolescence. Here I am looking for possible causes, and some could have come from this period. I made some choices that were not acceptable to parents and some others who felt they had some say in what I would do. I came to feel that I my judgment was not good, that I made poor decisions. And indeed I did; even until now I see that I am capable of making poor choices of what to do or not do. Memories of the pain caused by the poor choices causes me to feel a self-doubt.

A second set of memories has to do with McBride HS and the social structure there. I was a follower because I didn’t have a clear objective in mind and, therefore, didn’t excel in anything. I did some things that were grade B, good, but nothing exceptional. Yet even with this handicap I was elected to the Student Court and served well enough to get words of praise from one of the faculty. Furthermore I got the impression that my home circumstances were somehow subpar; things were not as good as I thought they were; so this increased the self-doubt and, furthermore, caused me to feel inferior.

Then the big one, Rolla; this became the hermetically sealed glass case in which self-doubt, inferiority, and failure are kept. What followed was a lifetime, from 1958 to present of overcoming the feeling that somehow others look upon me as a failure. Being laid off from Tenneco wasn’t a big deal but the job search which followed did much to reinforce the aspect of being seen as a failure in the eyes of others. The Executrain experience and the years following it have likewise reinforced these feelings.

I am a reasonable, rational person and take issue with these feelings. “Emotional responses are irrational,” but it is difficult to deal with irrationality. There is the rational response model but it exists in those personae that have higher intellectual source content without affecting those with higher emotional content. This is why making the response at the exact moment of the experience is so important; unanswered emotional responses seem to get set in place and are harder to move aside as time goes on. They are like cement, they have some time before they become set where they can be hosed off; but once set, with memory being the aggregate, the strength of the block gets stronger. The only way to get rid of concrete is with destructive forces greater than the binding forces.

Maybe it isn’t that bad. Maybe one can change his perceptions without drastic psychological intervention. I don’t know. It is easy to deal with it on other levels but not emotionally. The memories are set. I need some help here.

An interesting strategy that I employ is to get involved in new activities, where failure is not immediately an issue. If I’m not supposed to be good at s.t. it is okay not to be plus people think I can be so I get a lot of attention while learning. If I am supposed to be good at s.t., then when I’m not, I am a failure. By never staying involved to the point of being required to be good or starting over again and again, I avoid the scepter of failure.

So, now that I have restated from whence they came, how can I eliminate the fear of making a poor choice, of being viewed as inferior, and being seen as a failure? One way may be to envision a state of consciousness that says I can trust my decisions, that I am unique, and that life is a funny game that I must play; sometimes I’ll win, sometimes I’ll lose, and sometimes it will rain; and that there will always be some people at the ball park who may talk about my performance.

Getting It

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The personal effects of mom were examined and mostly discarded by us. Not that we are disrespectful or anything like that; there is only so much room in the house and only value from mom’s point of view. There were, however, many pictures of us as a family as we were growing up. Many of these were not new to me and I enjoyed seeing them again. I can only say that it makes me feel sort of ordinary. We weren’t well-to-do that’s for sure. The clothes and settings in which the pictures were taken is proof of that; and yet I never felt disadvantaged, not even in the slightest bit but rather neutral about the whole issue of who and what we were. Our status was always ok.

The question of status started to dawn on me in the last few years we were in Newport News. We had little or none there, of which we were aware, that’s for sure, didn’t need any, didn’t want any, and didn’t care about it. I enjoyed some celebrity as a muckety-muck in the shipyard but was well aware that there was a tier of higher status people. There were those who had the highest level of positions, mine was in the second tier, second highest, and I was pretty happy about that. Then in Houston, there was none even though we enjoyed a relatively high position in the company. It was like the Pentagon where officers are the norm. Then in Wisconsin, and in Europe, there was none; we were not in a social circle other than the sorority in Houston. There just didn’t seem to be a fit for us; that had been true all along, even until now. When we came here, it became something of an issue with me because we had to establish ourselves as members of the small business community vending to other business entities.

We joined the Chamber of Commerce, the International Cultural Center, the Rotary Club, Sales and Marketing Association, the Kentucky World Trade Center and I became the Honorary French Consul for Kentucky. We participated and Carola was most uncomfortable at most of the events.

I’ve examined this before and found that while I am a willing participant in and joined social circles, Carola is not and didn’t want to participate. It is more important to me to not put her in situations where she isn’t comfortable. She eschews what I would like to do and we’ve pretty much gone our separate ways except that I support her and the sorority and she has lent some support to me and mine. We are two different people, that’s for sure.

What’s new now in my thinking is an understanding that we are indeed independent of social status. There are many around us who give a lot of thought to it, who interact within a societal group, who are invited here and there to parties and events and know each other’s name rank and serial number but we don’t; in fact we are not parties of interest, have little or no influence and power. You won’t see us in the newspaper on the society page, although you will see us in the front row here and there when it is appropriate. When we do it’s because of a specific little reason and not that we are generally famous, rich, and powerful. We get our few moments in the spotlight and it’s fun when it happens; we don’t kid ourselves into thinking that we are generally well-known.

There are those to whom being socially involved is important, and furthermore it is important to them to be involved with only those who reinforce their self esteem. I noticed at Milestone at the noon class that there was a group who socialized with evenings out and going to events. These were people who were born and raised here and who had a long history with each other. To join into this group was possible but not practical; one would be a Johnny-come-lately for at least a generation. Those who seemed to express a need/desire to form such a social circle were not deemed desirable in my view so we didn’t/don’t.

This writing today seems to be going nowhere but it is clarifying something for me. My sense of self-image, of who I am v. what I would like others to think I am is s.t. that gets in my way from time to time. It is one of the big distractions in the 4th Way and even has a name. It is called Inner-considering and is closely aligned with what others may call self-consciousness but it goes a little further than self-consciousness. All of what I said about seeking approval/ avoiding disapproval is tied into it as well. And it has nothing to do with what others are thinking but is entirely what I am thinking about me.

It occurs when certain personae get into inner considering and, if not recognized and stopped, cause much wasted psychic energy. This is an important realization and one that will tend to allow me to increase my reservoirs of psychic energy by not spending it foolishly on this sort of thinking.

The horse trials analogy, doing a cross-country obstacle course, is in play all the time. My approach to life has to be that, to take obstacles as they come, handle encounters and situations extemporaneously as they occur without forgetting that the rider has the option to walk the course, i.e. the desired result can be described based on what I want but then handle the details of situations as the arise.

This is my planning evolution file. I do it for the year and then the week. What needs to be reminded, recalled, restated, repeated are the desired states, and although I do this on Sunday mornings, I don’t do it in the required meditative state. This allows communication with Master. Doing this and the elimination of cynicism, replacing it with admiration, and judging, replacing it with forgiveness, will do much to allow this being named John Lina, to accomplish whatever it is he wants to do.

The Bad Actors

Friday, October 1, 2009

The words came out of my mouth in the presence of another human being; “I do things, rather I don’t do things because I seek to avoid perceived disapproval.” Yes, this is a breakthrough for me; they are words that I’ve said to myself but never to another who could disapprove of such a sentiment.

I am curious as to why I am so approval oriented. It could be the effect on my psyche of early training by people of influence, it could be the experience of what was considered inappropriate behavior; it could be the voice of a persona who is a prig who is the result of all of the above. And I think it is this latter proposition that holds the key.

Personae are created to deal with situations that come up in our lifetime; they become reinforced by use, and permanent when used frequently enough. Then, if they are considered apropos by Master, they may become permanent across lifetimes.

 Personae can help or hinder; they are created to cope with situations so for at least their first appearance they are helpful. It is when they reappear at inappropriate times that they become a hindrance; such as Ferd, the fighter, when he comes out in an otherwise polite discussion.

So it is with this approval seeking and disapproval avoiding persona who may have been appropriate, or may even be appropriate in certain circumstances but when he becomes the pre-eminent arbiter of behavior he is a hindrance. The primary emotion of this persona is fear; backed up by vanity because he doesn’t want others thinking he is somehow inferior; inner considering because he is rapt with how he/they feels others should be treating him; and imagination because he is attempting to be a certain something that he feels he is not.

This is the irony of the situation. Others make up their mind about what they observe and nothing I say or do can change that opinion; the opinion changes with every observation and the truth comes out over time.

One can appear on the golf course attired in the finest, with the latest equipment, the most expensive balls, and new tees; even hit his first drive perfectly down the middle of the fairway a distance of 250 yards and those observing his play will say, “Wow, what a great golfer.” Only to change their mind 90 times as they observe his play stroke by stroke. In the end they have a good mental assessment of his ability as a golfer and the way he reacts to changing situations. Nothing he says can change that; and so it goes in all aspects of life.

One trap into which I often fall is exactly this, I make a good first impression and then attempt to live up to it and I'm unable to do so. This is the folly that I have experienced over and over. Now that it is being laid bare, I see that it is primarily vanity and secondarily inner considering. There is a strong desire to be outstanding, to be the hero, to be able to do it all, to be the best of the best; and a suspension of the reality that it isn’t possible to be a natural anything. To be even good at anything requires hard work after one finds the parameters that allow same; and to be the best requires going beyond even that.

There are exceptions, the likes of Mozart, Paschal, and Shakespeare; all of whom were blessed with genius, found it, and exercised it. It could be that we all have some genius in us and we exercise it but it isn’t the genius that gets noticed. The desire to find my genius and have it recognized is a pitfall into which I fall. One of me is convinced that I am the smartest being that ever lived and wants others to recognize that fact. He is a delusional one because a Mozart this one is not.

Here I go; I can’t keep from saying that I can do a lot of things really well, almost all of my endeavors have been exercised excellently at one time or another. I have achieved leadership in every organization to which I have belonged, I have accomplished what others could not; I have done it all but it is not recognized by anyone except me; perhaps because others aren't aware of it. And this is the hitch: I am cynical when I hear myself trying to convince someone else that I have accomplished anything of note.

So here are the horns of the dilemma; one is an approval/disapproval issue and the other is cynicism directed at self. Both of these may be the same persona or two different personae working at or about the same time. The one seeking approval is sensing what he thinks others are thinking, and the cynical one is hearing what is being said and opining to the other personae in a negative way.

How to quiet these two? They cannot be killed; personae can’t be killed. They may go into the background and not be called forth but they cannot be killed. They may even die as the age and experiences of the being make them no longer viable. Or perhaps the age of the body is such that the fluids that produce the effect sought by a persona are no longer available and even though the persona wants to make his presence felt he cannot because the mix is no longer available.

Assuming that the age issue is not in play, how does one negate the effort of undesirable personae? One can only face the reality that they are there, and suppose that Driver has the power to keep them from getting control. How does Driver exercise his control? By being instructed by a higher power, i.e. Master, and Master can be influenced by other personae that make their case for banishing this one or that. Perhaps this case may be made more effectively, i.e. take less time, through the visualization/hypnosis technique that Jim Schorche, et al espouse. The meditative state may open a more direct line of communication with Master and then he can use his influence to achieve the desired result.

Adrift

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Yesterday was a butz. There wasn’t much via constructive activity that went on; I did the bills, stayed around the house all day, did my daily list and called McNeely Park w/o getting an answer, napped, walked, watched a little football, practiced pool, worked x-word puzzles, and watched a movie with Carola. Today is shaping up in a similar manner. I am about to do my weekly plotting and scheming and then whatever.

As I ponder the situation I am focusing on a void in my life; i.e. meaningful contact with others. It is a Catch 22 for me. On the one hand I enjoy the company of others but on the other I am loathe to participate with another in any meaningful way. I am suspicious, cynical, and judgmental. I see the actions of others and think the worst. I relate to strangers easier than those I know. The more of a stranger the other is, the easier it is for me to approach them and start a conversation. The better I know someone, the more difficult it is for me to share myself with them, mainly because my suspicion that they really don’t care is often reinforced by experience.

And why should they? Well, they shouldn’t and don’t. There is no reason for them to care about me or my situation especially since I don’t have a handle on what I want/need/ would like. And when someone does try to help me, to understand me, I tend to clam up and avoid their help and intervention. I am dissolving into a complete misanthrope.

An objective third party observer: here is a man who seldom leaves his house except to run errands, go to school, meetings, golf, pool, walk, or do the LTM. He has almost no social contact.

Let’s take the outings one at a time:
1. Errands- to where-ever interacting only with the clerk who is paid to attend;
2. School- to class twice per week, a class that is almost meaningless to him. It is French Theater Practicum and his involvement in French culture and language is almost nil. So, he goes to class, participates, makes little conversations with the other students who are 20-year olds, and then goes to the SAC and plays a little pool with whoever wants a game. In fact he is out of his element in this University setting; he has no reason to be there and he’s not contributing anything to the betterment of society or himself.
3. Meetings- Rotary club where he participates for the time he is at the meeting and does little else except what is requested of him. He is like a toad sitting in the grass, gulping the occasional insect. Then there’s the French conversation meeting on Thursdays where he wastes his time sitting with others who can speak the language better than he. Then there’s the weekly meeting with his counselor which is more like an errand, interacting with someone paid to do so.
4. Golf- a solo event in his life. He goes to the course without a playing partner, takes up with one if convenient, otherwise not.
5. Pool- here is a socially oriented activity. It is one time per week at the Billiards Club of Louisville where he is on a team, knows others in the place and minimally participates beyond the game.
6. Walk- completely solo event, often he is lost in thought as he makes his 5 km round.
7. LTM- there is some social contact involved in this; it is in Evansville IN and involves phone calls from time to time.

The common thread among all of these is their compartmentalization. There is no continuity of contact beyond the event itself. Even when he was president of the Rotary Club, it became a routine that involved almost no contact beyond that of the meeting itself. When involved in a theatrical production, there is the rehearsal and performance where there is meaningful involvement beyond the occasional meeting. And yet, even in the theatrical production, there is a tendency to become increasingly insular and put up barriers that avoid familiarity beyond what is involved in the performance. In UTC, he was the man who wasn’t there until almost the end.

Others are seen to have this tendency to keep to themselves; this unwillingness to be seen as one thinks he is. It is as if they are promoting an image which is not consistent with what they think they really am. And there is another take on this, perhaps what they are convinced that they are how they would like others to see them and are so different that that they don’t want it to show. Yet, in truth, what one is, is so plainly obvious to others that they see one who is trying to be something he’s not. OTOH there have been occasions when one or another came out; these have been monsters in action. Sometimes barbarous, other times crude and unsavory, and then simply bothersome but always scorned by those with whom he would have a relationship. It is as if others buy into the “juste et bon” only to find later that he’s not.

Being unwilling to bend to the will of others, to do what others would have, has been a hallmark of my life. I disdain family and friends as being unworthy of me. There have been a few “genuine” people whose acquaintance I’ve made but these were usually less than exemplary of knightly virtues. I saw them as living a life of experiences in lieu of being harnessed as was I; but I pulled my plough with the occasional walk on the wild side. Now my fields are in, the harvest is over and I am free but like the Prisoner of Chillon:

My very chains and I grew friends,
So much a long communion tends
To make us what we are: - even I
Regain'd my freedom with a sigh. –Byron

There are/were two sets of chains involved, one has been removed; that being responsibility for other people, kids, mother, and father. The other is still in place, the need to feel good about me; for approval/ acceptance/ respect/ adulation/accomplishment.