Songs from the Past

 This post is important only to me but others may find some inspiration to delve into their feelings after reading it.  It developed over the course of several days.

Wednesday, 9-16-2020: 

I had a conversation on the phone yesterday with a cousin.  I left that with a negativity that has nothing to do with him.  It must be linked to my growing-up years in St. Louis.  I realized today that I get that same depressed feeling when I deal with people from the high school I attended.  There’s something there, in my past with which I don’t want to deal and, worse, I’m not sure what it is.

Aha!  There was the summons from Msgr. Hellriegel; pastor of our church and an important person in the community and my life.  This was when I was about 13 years old; he berated my behavior.  That is the only thing that stands out as a negative experience of any large proportion.

I was a “good boy” – “bad boy” kind of kid.  Someone ratted out some of my bad behavior to the Msgr. and he pounced on me with both feet.  I think that had a deeper effect on me than I’ve realized.  I was an informal leader of the others but also sensitive to the disapproval of my superiors (dad, mom, et al.)

I’m not sure why high school brings on the negativity except in the person of a classmate who had a superior attitude.  We never had much of anything to do with one another but his father was a “rich” dentist and he and another were superior types in their behavior.  I eschewed them and resented them at the same time.  The other's dad owned the drug store.

Now whenever high school comes to mind, so do these feelings of resentment.  There’s a cloud over my high school years and a cloud over my teenage years in St. Louis.  Those clouds blot out the sunshine that I have come to enjoy away from there and then.

Thursday, 9-17-2020: 

What I wrote yesterday is profoundly true.  I’ve often thought about why I left St. Louis and always come back to the same conclusion.  I left to live a life without interference from family and others.  Also, I suppose I never quite saw a future for me there and that's on me.

A big part of that was coping with the past.  I think I bottomed out in 1959 after being advised to seek my education at another school.  I made some decisions then, actually it was one decision, return to that college and graduate in that curriculum.  The rest of what I did supported that.

Then in 1963, upon graduation, the decision was made to accept an offer from the shipyard in Newport News.  That decision was rooted in a desire to see the world and to be my own person and perhaps away from the disappointments of the past.

It has taken a long time and required deferment of seeing the world while we raised a family.  Now I can say I have seen the world, at least enough of it to be satisfied.  I can also say that I am my own person with a loving family and no regrets.

Unearthing the causes of negativity yesterday has added to my understanding of me.  I can say that all that happened around me led to me being who I am.  Not all of it was good; but, knock on wood, I never caused anybody much harm.

My core decisions were for my own peace of mind.   My good side overcame my bad side and I generally focused on the good, not the bad.  The bad makes me shiver.

In all of this I realize I am unique but not all that different from others.  There’s a lot of life still to be lived.  The difference, going forward, is that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, anymore.

Saturday, 9-19-2020: 

Continuing to remember the angst of my youth, I recall the dichotomy that existed, and of which I became aware in high school, in my life and social position.  We lived in a development named English Grove.  It was built out in the time between 1900 and 1910.

The farms adjacent to “the Grove” were developed between 1925 and 1935.  A different class of people lived in this newly developed area.  People with more money and status than we.

Yet in Baden and at Holy Cross, I felt that we were the privileged and others less so.  We handed down things and clothes to others in Baden.  So, I grew up on the border, not unlike Burgenland Austria, at the higher end of a social structure to the east and at a lower facing west.

It wasn’t until high school that I became aware of my lower class status.  The higher class was personified in my two privileged acquaintances.  It is from this that my resentment of them springs.  It became apparent that I wasn’t as good as I thought I was.  We were of the poorer class.

I think this was, along with the Msgr. episode, what laid the foundation of my desire to get gone.  I suppose I didn’t like not being as good as I thought I was.  In fact, life has proven to me that I am not a natural at anything but must study, plan, and work to realize my dreams.  That formula has worked well for me, to get me where I am now.

Later Saturday: 

There seems to be a thread that goes through all of my formative years.  I came to realize, time after time, that I wasn’t as good as I thought I was.  And there’s a good possibility that I am painfully aware of that even now.  Admitting this gives me solace, and recognizing this, time after time, my response has been to knuckle down and overcome any lack of natural talent through work. 

I sit here at age 80 and can say that I never found that at which I am a natural.  Often I had some success at my first attempt at things but that was the end of it; from then on it required hard work and practice if I was to succeed.  Those often paid big dividends for me and I came out very well at what I set out to do.  That was true in every endeavor that I pursued and those I am now pursuing.  Failure and working my way out of it to be successful has been de rigueur.