Such a Good Boy

Why do we do whatever?  There are things we do to seek pleasure, things we do to avoid pain, things we do to be left alone.  And, I think, that just about covers the territory of motivation.

One of the pleasures we seek is the "attaboy" or "attagirl."  That little hint of recognition of a good job.  We often spend that little bit of extra time to get it right for the same reason or, perhaps, because we don't want the pain of embarrassment that comes along with a less than satisfactory performance.

Then there is the phenomenon of what we say and when it is said.  Upon reflection, I have often said things, spouted facts, truths, and opinions that would indicate that I am smart.  At least it would make me feel that way and, therefore, to others.  That the others were in awe of my smartness was not necessarily always the case.

I think I know from whence this comes.  For me it has to do with being told I could no longer attend a school because of a low grade point average.  I thought it indicated that I wasn't very smart and have been recovering from that rejection ever since it happened.  From that day on I felt that I had to prove to me and others that I was in fact smart, intelligent, and in the know about any and all things.  Until now that is.

 For the record, and yielding to the need to be thought of as smart, I went back to that school and graduated in my original field and was on the honor roll every semester from then through graduation.  I went on to get an MBA from a prestigious school and, objectively, was successful as an engineer, manager, and executive in a large corporation.  So you see, I am still haunted by this.  Any hint of failure or unsatisfactory performance causes me great angst.

Since retirement I have backed way off of this line of thinking.  I'm involved with acting in theater, films, and voice where one is only as good as his current performance.  There is no need to impress anyone when not performing and there is a need for humility to yield to the wishes of the director during rehearsals.  There is still the need for good performance in the current production.

Recognition comes from having been seen on stage or film, not from a perceived position of power in the community.  With no power or influence there is no need for anyone to be obsequious nor is there a need for me to be so to anyone else.  Praise comes from performance and allowing others to vicariously be in the limelight.  And, if my performance is good or even great, they take away a good or even great feeling about it as well.

It is tempting to tout my intelligence but less and less.  I look forward to when I don't feel a need for it.  The most frequent situation now is answering questions.  I find it tempting to answer any and all questions that come my way, therefore showing how smart I am.  Maybe I'll simply register the question and not answer it.

As for my personal need to feel that I have a superior intelligence, I believe I will simply have to get over that.  There are many instances where I don't have a more intelligent answer or solution and I thank me for not speaking up and showing my lack of having one.

My aphorism: "Impervious to the remarks and opinions of others, I have more fun," speaks to this but it has to go deeper.  So I will add another: "Looking at my accomplishments and activities, I see that I am at par or better."

I have to reach a fundamental understanding of my intelligence, not that it is superior but that it is what it is and that I can look back on my accomplishments and be satisfied that I am not inferior in any way.

I put it that way on purpose because in the past I have striven for a feeling of superiority.  It came from my history and my education as an engineer where we were taught to derive the solution and not simply apply formulas.

In retrospect and upon reflection, I understand that I am not a mathematical nor scientific genius.  Not better than nor worse than anyone else who makes their way in the world.  Capable of being duped and excusing me when I have been.

Another aspect of the way it was is the exception that I took to any question of my intelligence.  I would react strongly to any suggestion that I was less than "in the know."  This has abated considerably and instead of the all knowing nod or mm-hmm, I ask why, or what, or where, or when, or how much.  Often I am surprised by the answers that I get.

So "Impervious to the remarks and opinions of others, I have more fun" will stand and I'll add "Looking at my accomplishments and activities, I see that I am at par or better," because they are two different things.

These blog entries may be part of my need to prove my intelligence but I quickly add that they are made for me.  Others may enjoy them but I ask them to hold their criticism because it is not sought.  Suffer in silence.