Penile Envy

There are a couple of things rolling around in my head like marbles on the deck of a ship’s cabin at sea. One is the phenomenon of social status and the other has to do with dreaming. The quest for social status is an activity in which we all participate in one way or another. Whenever there are more than two people together there is an implied contest as to who is superior in the group.

Whenever one is asked for his desired future state of being, i.o.w. what are your dreams, the answer can come back in high sounding terms that are not reality based. Not that dreams need to be based in reality but what one says is more meant to impress the hearer/reader than expressing what he really would like to have happen. This is an attempt to seem to be more acceptable to those around him and is tied to the quest for social status. If he is impressive with his apparent success, then he is worthy of rank; or so he thinks. So one can surmise that the two lines of thought are interdependent, or that dreaming is tied to the quest for social status unless one makes a concerted effort to divorce them.

But there is a danger in disolving the marriage of these two and seeing it for what it is. It seems to be happening to me now. I am not as concerned with the reputation, the notoriety, and the acceptance of the social circles in which I am. These are the worlds of acting, pool, golf, and riding. Whereas in the past I would have spent time and energy in attempting to establish myself, not anymore; I simply participate at the level at which I am and let the chips fall where they may.

I have relapses from time to time when I try to be helpful, or give an opinion, or make a judgment but these are fewer and farther between. I will catch myself in starting to do so and stop. Sometimes when unsuccessful in stopping, it created a problem from which the return to a normal relationship was slow and painful. So, I advise myself to keep my opinions, comments, and evaluations private. And even replace internal reactions with “maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive” when dealing with peers. I often remind myself that my age doesn’t necessarily grant me wisdom enough to opine. And it’s a good thing because I am not worthy of having much of an opinion due to my level of performance in these endeavors.

This is beginning to make me feel less and less confident overall because I am operating outside of my normal pattern of behavior. My previous modus operandi was to be a quick study and put on a show of confidence based on my reputation and respected opinion, i.o.w. talk a good game. It doesn’t work now because I don’t have the credentials or the accomplishments in acting, pool, riding, and golf to support same.

I am concerned that it is beginning to show itself as a lack of confidence in general. I have no reputation upon which to rely, or fall back in these endeavors so people have to make a quick assessment of me as a person based on what they see. This is problematic because they see someone of whom they have no knowledge and, because I tend to be reticent, who won’t give them anything with which to work. I learned my lesson not to blow my own horn except to toot reinforcement of my reputation among those who know me.

Then there’s the effect of my own unfavorable judgment of my performances. I never see my performance as being worthwhile and it takes more than one rehearsal to get over this hump. Because I don’t feel good about what I do, I rarely compliment or encourage others because I fear they will take it as coming from a worthless source. This may be seen as a lack of sensitivity or participation and not viewed favorably by others.

This all resolves down to the conclusion that I feel as if I have no social status in any realm. This is probably inaccurate but it is the feeling that I have as I write this and mull over the events of the past couple of years. I may be rationalizing when I say that I am no longer interested in same but I’m objective in my assessment of not having a seat at any table at the moment. I just feel like I’m alone in the world and one can only hope that this is an emotional reaction, and therefore irrational.

Then there’s the dream aspect of it. I notice when looking at my dreams that they are in fact dreams and not necessarily a “to do” list for the year. I recognize that there are different levels of dreams; the present, the age, and my lifetime. Present being now and for the near term future, the age being from now until my body really starts breaking down at about 85 years old, and lifetime being for what happens when my life is a backward glance from the precipice of death.

Events have occurred all year to support the dreams for the present because I comb through them when I update my performance evolution file every Sunday morning. I’ve had a large amount of work in acting, trophies in pool, good horses to ride, and I’m hitting the ball with confidence in golf with three sub-90 rounds and averaging in the mid-nineties. But harkening back to emanating a lack of confidence, it may be happening because no one but me knows how it all fits together and furthermore nobody but me even cares. This is the disconnect, in the past I have played to the organization but now there is none to which to play. So I’m on a stage in an empty theater and I miss the applause.

Order-Revoution-Anarchy-Order

Two years ago, I put together a fantasy portfolios of stocks. Included therein was one that appealed to me because a former subordinate is an officer of the company. I looked him up in the financial information for the company and saw that his earnings are in the neighborhood of $10million annually. All I can say is, “Wow!” So I immediately started questioning what the heck was going on. My first thoughts were how much is enough and is he really worth that much? Can’t say that there wasn’t some envy involved but it was quickly dispelled with good reasoning. Besides, “Maintaining a favorable opinion, I remain positive and constructive.”

I know this guy fairly well, or did, and I don’t think the money is the whole thing in his case, it’s large but more as a measure of success. He has worked himself into a position where that’s what it pays. If this corp didn’t pay him this amount they would be paying someone else and conversely if they didn’t pay him this much he would move on to another corporation. It has taken me a long time to rationalize this because it is more than this one instance; it is the landscape of publicly held corps, the medical and legal professions, major league sports, and other few but highly lucrative professions where the bidding for top talent is off the chart. This doesn’t mean it is wrong; corps are making enough profit to pay the execs these salaries and perks and still give the shareholders a good return on investment. BTW, the portfolios and his company haven’t returned to the value they had when I assembled them; thank goodness I kept them as fantasy investments. His value, in options and other stock related pay has taken a hit but it is still more than he could spend.

A couple of lines for the part I have in “It’s a Wonderful Life” as Pop Bailey brought the thing home to me. “What makes you such a hard skulled character Mr. Potter? You have no children, no family; you can’t begin to spend all the money you’ve got.” And, “Potter’s a sick man George, sick in his heart, sick in his soul, if he has one. Hates everybody that has anything that he can’t have, hates us mostly I guess.” These two lines define a character who has allowed money to become the end instead of the means. It becomes a warning to us all; not only money but things. I already have more clothes than I could ever wear, more golf balls than I could ever lose, more books that I won’t read again, and on and on and on. We are all a little bit like Mr. Potter and that’s ok, it’s when it becomes an obsession that it is harmful, as in my story The Ball Hawk. (see the By John Lina Blog or buy a copy of Open Floodgate by John Lina for only $19.95 plus mailing. Drop me an Email and I’ll take your order.)

As for the huge compensation figures, I think we are stuck with them unless there is a disastrous overturning of the hierarchies, one to rival the French and Bolshevik Revolutions. I’ve complained about hierarchies before but we’re stuck with them unless…

This is the role of anarchy, the dismantling of hierarchies and replacement by others, less offensive. There is a crescendo of greed, a revolution of the oppressed, anarchy in the meantime until a structure is put in place to replace the anarchy and one that is agreeable to enough of the masses. We had a mini- revolution in 1994 and we may have another this year. It happened several other times during US history that the electorate was fed up with enough of what was going on in the Federal Government that they replaced incumbents wholesale.

The ballot box is a relief valve but there is none for corporate greed. One may not be necessary for relief from corporate greed but we see the downside affect of it in salaries paid to hierarchies in government, medicine, and legal organizations and these affect all who are paying for these services. The “what about me?” attitude of civil servants, surgeons and lawyers is going to lead to a revolution of some kind; I don’t know how or when but people are beginning to see it for what it is, greed at the expense of their fellows. Heck if I can see it, there are millions of others who do as well. According to Bert it was a factor for anti-Semitism in Europe and look to what that led. The straw is piling up on the camel’s back

These types of feelings, undefined emotional reactions against the “Medical Profession,” may be a big part of what led to Medicare and now Obamacare. Doctors are not the problem, the problem is administrators of practices and hospitals that wring every penny they can out of a patient or his insurance company and dictate to the providers, doctors and nurses, how much time and effort they can spend with a patient. So-called not for profit hospitals can’t spend all the money they make without going to excess for admin salaries, perks, facilities and equipment. Then the reaction of the insurance company is to do the same to the policy holders and even deprive people of inclusion, in effect cut them off from treatment because of the profit and loss implications.

You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth. We don’t know how to do it; we can’t separate ourselves from the greed and trying to have all the money there is. So we are doomed to continue funneling money into the pockets of the MBA’s who have become quite adept raising the compensation levels of just about everybody in an organization who is not directly involved in providing the sold product or service. Bring out the guillotine, pass me my knitting needles.

Work Along the Second Line

Now I ask the question, am I living in the past? There are some indications: I am fascinated by history and archives, read/listen to books that are written, as are all books, in the past tense, look at old pictures, listened in rapt attention as mom recounted her life to me, have made a record of my life from birth through the present in logs and analysis, and have a set of goals and plans for the current year and weekly set out tasks that will move toward attaining them, this puts the accomplishment of the task in the past because the present was the instant of describing it.

During those intervals when I have nil to do, I tend to hearken back instead of being in the present. This leads me to inaction primarily on the social front, just like right now. I am analyzing where I am and where I’ve been and what I’m doing and not doing instead of being out among people. This is a regular thing for me; especially when I am doing s.t., I tend to think beyond the present to when this is going to be finished and, therefore, be less involved in the present.

The amount of time I spend alone in my world is the majority. I purposely don’t watch TV except for games and news to keep from being absorbed into living life vicariously. I work puzzles, read, analyze, plot and scheme when I am not walking or exercising. It seems that I am reluctant to participate with others even when I am with them; I tend to withdraw emotionally unless we are playing a game.

I seem to be guarded in my relationships and it is more from avoiding an unfavorable reaction than anything else. I am wrong in my predictions of another’s reaction almost all of the time and, therefore, have very little confidence in my ability to read s.o. There have been enough unfavorable repercussions from my statements, actions, and inactions that I am gun-shy of saying or doing anything that can be considered inappropriate. Sometimes I think that I can do this or that because I would allow it, or at least put up with it, if it was done to me, the old Golden Rule idea; wrong. Often I am the little French cabbie who broke one little rule and got hammered. So, I retreat into my intellect and memory. These are two safe places that I’ve come to recognize. I don’t interact with anyone for anything other than the time of day, lest it be misinterpreted and a foul called.

This living in the past is not such a bad thing except that I am not pleased with it. It seems that I am missing a lot of opportunities without even knowing it. Like driving a bus, which has tinted windows, down the highway of life insulated against outside noise, traffic, and weather, only interacting with personae that are in/on the bus except for the occasional stop and walk about. I am so well planned and scheduled that there is almost no spontaneity in my life and when there is, I am suspicious of it and shy away from involvement. Someone always seems to get hurt and this leads to blame, criticism, hurt feelings, and guilt, all of which I eschew. If I don’t play, then I don’t lose.

Interacting with people leads to seeing opportunities; this is what classes at UofL do for me. “To get what I want, I ask” is invoked regularly without disappointment, when I ask for s.t. specific, I get a response; be it from the professor or fellows. The benefit of being involved in the first line of the work has produced good results in my performances. I would like to be involved on the second line but it just isn’t happening. The same can be said about my relationship with the cast in a play. We are working together on the third line but not on the second. Is it that I am not working along the second line in any endeavor? A quick aside: work on the self is first line, work with/for others is the second line, and work to advance the greater good is the third line.

A quick mental review of my endeavors indicates that this is indeed the case. Some endeavors lend themselves to work on all three lines but not all of those that have a second line are being pursued along that line, save pool, riding, and golf. This is disappointing because the second and third lines are where opportunities are discovered. So what is the problem?

First of all, it is a lack of emotional content in my life with a resulting lack of involvement with others; it shows up in my acting. Others are involved only when necessary to move toward a good performance. And then there are opportunities foregone. These are like trees falling in the forest that no one hears. I am constrained by my imagination, which is good but needs stimulation, and limited to that which I can accomplish with little outside assistance other than answers to specific questions.

G’s mirror would reflect a person who is not involved with others to any great degree. Acquainted with many but working with none, except occasionally and as necessary but are there results? Yes, beaucoup de results when measured against the described desired end results determined each year in a vacuum between Xmas and the New Year.

One strategy that that works and I can use more widely is to put myself in target rich environments. This requires some imagination and determination because my experience with people has been spotty. Often those who are responsive turn out to need more from me than I from them. Almost like the Groucho Marx line that he didn’t want to belong to a club that would allow him to join. The answer here is quick determination and a more objective go-no go decision made. Once involved with another, take care to remain objective about the relationship. It seems to reinforce the original thesis that I am not emotionally involved in my life.

A Bad Review

What a most unusual day. It was my turn to do my monolog for class. The Professor worked with me for a while and gave up, more or less. She asked if I’d been in the military because I was so like a ramrod; I said no. She had me to relax my body and breathe more deeply, to use my breath to deliver thoughts and changes of thought. Well, it didn’t work very well because I was busy complying with what I thought she wanted me to do and not getting to it. So now I have a few minutes to process what was going on and see if I can make any sense out of it.

She said I seemed to be concentrating on getting my lines right, to say them verbatim. We both know how important this is but she is telling me that while it is important to get the words correct it is equally important to put the emotional content (feeling) in the delivery as well; to allow the intended emotion to flow through along with the words; to deliver the lines as if I don’t know what comes next as if the character is thinking of what he is going to say next as he is saying the current phrase; to strive for spontaneity of expression as the lines are said; to not fall into patterns of voice that are rote.

Then there was the psychological observation she made that hit home with me. She said I am so focused on one thing that I am not allowing other things to happen; so focused on doing a good job of saying my lines that I am preventing any spontaneous emotional expression to take place. I am using a discipline that is focused on one thing when success depends on the focus being wider, i.e. like a camera with depth of field where the foreground and the background are in focus at the same time. This is true—I tend to focus on one result when there are multiple results that need to be achieved for success.

My history of this sort of thing has been a continuum of fighting crises and avoiding failure; usually because I was in over my head; I-o-w, didn’t have a strategy for handling problems that may come up. This held true for my first attempt at college, then once married and back in school, oops we had a baby and a second on the way. Once again I was in the mode of fighting crisis when I needed 23 semester hours in my second last semester. A two hour course, Dynamics, was below par and I vowed to the instructor that I would bring it up to at least a C in the second half of the semester or delay graduating by six months. It worked out.

Then C arola had to have surgery … then we bought a small house… then we had to move to a larger house… then the Cleveland job seemed to be in jeopardy… then the kids went to college… then Tenneco Inc in Houston…, then France…, and on and on. And they all worked out. Surmounting difficulties, or coming up with strategies after problems occurred rather than before, was 75% of my effort and taking advantage of opportunities got whatever was left. I was still operating in this mode until recently but since 2008, with the aid of having articulated my dreams and a good plotting and scheming method, I find that I am more taking advantage of opportunities than overcoming crises. But I find that my propensity is to work from a solving the crisis mind set or waiting until a big problem occurs before taking action, even when I am in opportunity mode.

Then there’s the responsibility bind. Along with solving these various crises has come the feeling that I must be seen by others as successful. So I tend to get a little overwhelmed with a myriad of details, many left undone or unsatisfactorily handled.

Then there is the performance factor, feeling that I must be impressive. Usually this works against me and the opposite happens, I fail in performing as I did today: perhaps too distracted by the doing. I have a rather strong need/ desire to not be criticized, not necessarily approved but respected.

Then, and perhaps finally, there is the need for acceptance and inclusion. The class that is the subject of this writing is a good case in point. I go into the classroom and am excluded from the conversation almost entirely. The others in the class are at least forty-five years younger than I, not an excuse but a fact. When I talk to them individually they are polite and respond but for all intents and purposes I don’t exist in their presence and various assays have met with cold shoulders or a nod and a smile then put on ignore. I have a tendency to hang back in any new situation to avoid being rejected and then slowly insert myself into the fray. In the past it has taken a few weeks to get through this awkward interval but this time it continues and I feel like a definite outsider. But then I find that this is generally true. This needs some work on my part but what to do?

All of this tumbles out of the brief time I spent in front of the class with the professor. I’d have to chalk it up to failure to perform because I was unable to do what she wanted. She also said, “The next time perhaps you can chose a monolog with more depth.” So what I did, even though it met with her prior approval, was not good. She said I was rigid, overly controlled, unemotional, not connected with my character, not any good as an actor. She didn’t actually say these things but this is what I heard. So what’s next? I’ll stay the course and all I can say is, “Don’t boo me, I didn’t write this stuff.”