Limbo, Again

Once again I am in limbo. We had no class today. The filming is Sunday; the dress-tech is likewise. The play opens on the 25th. The theater/concert plus dinner is tomorrow night. Rehearsals don’t start for IAWL for another several weeks. There are no urgent calls or items of which to take care. I have tendonitis in my right forearm, from the flag carrying chore last Saturday, and I can’t play golf. I played pool for four hours last night, about 50 games. BC of L league doesn’t start for two weeks. The stable has been sold and I don’t have a riding source at the moment, although I have feelers out.

It is my thinking, for me anyway, that I need to have a reason to be here, wherever that is, have to have something to do, would like to have someone with whom to do it, and an overall purpose or aim upon which I am working. Generally that is the way things are but today I am in limbo on something to do and someone with whom to do it. The clock continues to run and I am not doing anything other than clutching at straws such as buying a 2011 diary, retrieving tax reports, making a bank deposit, yawn.

I came up with an item upon which to work. It is the history of me from birth to 2006; three years ago is the most recent because I like to let the dust settle before summarizing the year. It came to me that if I recorded my Personal Status (age, condition), Purpose, Occupation, Location, House, Family, Life Style, Endeavors, Social Life, Community Status, and Professional Status each year, that over a long period of time I would see the developing pattern that leads me to where I am today and, seeing it, either agree with it or make changes to it. All of this data is recorded up through 2005 but it is hand written in worksheet format. I will key it into History and Plan.xls . This will be a chore to do over several days, whenever I have the time especially when Carola is in California during the month of October.

It is interesting that my sister and I don’t have much to say to each other. We don’t feel a need to talk to each other. I don’t think this is unusual between siblings, Carola and her sisters haven’t talked for years but there is some history there concerning C’s mom.

My sister and I have the shared experience of being brought up by two people who battled often about money and the lack thereof; a father who was insecure and controlling, a mother who was fighting for identity and a say in what was going on. Often we would hear the battles royal from below as we lay in bed trying to go to sleep. She would often cry herself to sleep. I, on the other hand wasn’t visibly affected by what was going on. This is not to say that we weren’t both affected in ways we don’t even know. This is why I would welcome some overture from her to discuss openly what happened from her perspective. Conversations with her are not open and free. She doesn’t divulge details of her feelings or memories but makes vague references to contention between her and her mother. I could start same but the certainty of non-cooperation stops me. I doubt if we will ever get around to discussing it.

Meanwhile, it is now 4:25 p.m. and I am blogging away. This is something of a time waster but on the other hand it is one of my aims for the year. Thinking of what I wrote above, where did the reference to my sister come in? Here I am on a day with little on my mind and what pops up, my sister. I should give her a call. Ok I did; nobody home.

I’ve also been caught up in the thinking about the way things go. I’ve said it before and I’m repeating it here that things go really good for us. It may not be an accident of fate but rather something akin to Karma. Only the way I see it, the good comes from the influence of those who loved us and died but are still around spiritually and they are using whatever influence they have as spirits to take care us who were good to them while they were alive. There are things I’ve done that defied common sense, could even be considered rash and foolish. Yet it seems that I got away with them, not that I would be in trouble with the law or anything like that but rather that I would be embarrassed and people around me would be hurt and disappointed. Yet these things were swept under the rug and the only one who seems to have had been affected by them is me and my fear of being called to task about them.

I doubt if this is an unusual story; plenty of others wander down the path of life making little detours to take a walk on the wild side and also get away with it. There seems to be an unspoken code to make them the subject of conversation and gossip but not publicly embarrass or humiliate them. This is true in small subsets of a larger community of people but not when someone is in the national spotlight where any little transgression is magnified out of proportion for titillation and the sheer fun of seeing the rich and famous embarrassed, probably because we are a little jealous of them.

So it goes, the mysteries of life continue to defy understanding but that’s a good thing. If we were certain, we would be even more bored than being in limbo. I am going to start my transcription of the outline of my life, yawn.