You Are Good Enough

There is an item of self-talk that has caused much difficulty and it was finally isolated and identified recently. The message heard over and over is, “You’re not good enough.” This was mistaken at one time as not being worthy but that isn’t the case. It has little to do with self esteem, another mistaken identity upon which much time was spent working. It has little to do with activity, action, or accomplishment. It is an emotional response that is usually in evidence when attempting something new and different—after the first time. There have been so many instances where the first attempt was above average but then this voice started between the first and follow-on attempts and sabotaged the activity. It is as if some perfect ideal is imagined and then cannot be achieved.

It may be the reason why I spend so much time preparing for s.t. I have not been able to quiet this voice, this feeling, except through overdoing preparation. There are many instances of this, especially when in new and strange surroundings. In fact, often my prepared material is way off base but it is complete, it is thorough, it passes the weight test. In hindsight I can see where this motto has caused me to take an overly idealistic course of action and find out later that it was inappropriate or even wasted effort. Often these were instances when I either didn’t or couldn’t get good advice from others in the know.

It is in evidence as the first opinion of an effort as poor, be it a sketch, poem, story, presentation, or portrayal which later changes from unsatisfactory to “that was pretty good.” I have picked up sketches just a few hours after completion, which upon completion I thought to be terrible, only to be impressed by them.

I don’t know the genesis of this mantra. It may have been impressed upon me at an early age and/or may well be the result of a lot of small experiences that reinforced this feeling. It is certain that my cynical, harsh judge is often behind it. He holds up perfect ideals and castigates me for not being perfect. The remedy is rationality, objectivity, common sense, and association with people who are genuinely objective in their opinions of others.

This last group is hard to identify, especially with the experience of hearing back biting insults that are often spoken when the subject is not present. I always project that these same things are being said about me in my absence. In fact, most of the time my absence isn’t even noticed, IOW out of sight out of mind. I have almost lost my sensitivity to the opinion of others so the need for reinforcement and acceptance is not as strong as it once was.

The truth of the matter is that I am not all that great at just about everything. I developed the ability to talk a good game due to the profession I chose, i.e. business management. And it was usually the business of others; at a level where I didn’t have to do much of anything, except conceptualize what needed to be done and then make sure that it was accomplished. My vanity grew to the point where I supposed my game to be as good as my talk. It has taken years to recognize this and it was even true up to the recent past few years. Then there came the time when the structure of accomplishment became evident to me, i.e. the Knowledge, Skill, Value, Medals, Awards model, and I became aware that I had just a few skills that were only borderline good and only one of some commercial value.

The vanity that drove me to over achieve and impress my peers and observers is finally abating. This is a good thing because the need to excel coupled with the inability to do so is devastating. The pressure to perform is only now easing to the point where I am not involved in self-flagellation whenever I see my efforts fall short of expectation. It is bad enough to fall short of my own expectations but even worse to think that the expectations of others aren’t met. Imagining the expectations of others to be beyond the scope of my capabilities has led to a few heroic results and to disastrous results at most others. Unmet expectations are the root of the frustrations one feels playing golf; they are likewise frustrating whenever unmet for any endeavor but at golf you can’t get away from it, you have to walk up to the ball and attempt to hit it accurately again.

So, there was conditioning that led to this development from early on, reinforced by being a professional manager in a large organization of similar managers for a whole career/lifetime (31 years); this culminated in (1) being forced out of one organization, (2) joining another that had an impossible business model, and (3) surfing that wave all the way to the beach; a ride that lasted 10 years and then petered out. That’s the major league syndrome, where very few people are good enough to be the stars of their profession.

The realization that I am in fact good enough to enjoy a variety of activities and comfortable at not being a star is finally settling in. I am good enough just as I am. I’ve done many good and wonderful things, very few of them perfectly, and will continue without the goal of perfection, adulation, or fame. The goal now is to enjoy the ride. I have a healthy and fit body, a good mind, and lots of interests to be pursued. After taking care of my bodily needs, all I need is a place to be, something to do, someone to do it with, and the anticipation of something good happening.