Gus said it and it applies to many people. He said, “Yeah I play pool four nights a week, I have to fill the time man, there’s nothing as bad as having time on your hands." It applies to me today. I could be watching TV or a movie but I refuse to do so. It is more important to me to examine this situation than to let the clock run without s.t to show for it. Carola left this morning for VA and here I am at home alone. I read “Stop Kiss,” the play for class and the application for the Ambassadorial scholarship with which I’ll be helping. A bit later I’ll put the list for class on Wednesday in mind for the quiz. But right now I don’t have anything in mind other than this writing. It’s almost as if I am taking a break in my life. The cast list for The Laramie Project goes up tomorrow; I auditioned for The Importance of Being Earnest last night and will know something tomorrow night. Either, both, or one, or neither could happen but at the moment I am on hold. It’s too cold to play golf, I still have to make arrangements to ride, there are places I could go but I really have no reason to do so, I am left here to write this blog and then whatever.
Now, I may have it all wrong but the message of Existentialism seems to be, to be in this frame of mind all the time. IOW always be ready to spontaneously respond to whatever urges us at the time. I believe the message was not to get too reflective so that everything said and done is according to some premeditated plan; leave room for spontaneity.
Sometimes I think about mom and our relationship, what she went through in last few weeks she was alive. People talk about grieving and I think that it must be getting it out of one’s system; coming to grips with the fact that the deceased is gone. I wonder if I’ve done that; she keeps popping up in my mind, memories of the way it was at the end. I don’t feel any remorse or guilt because I know rationally that we did all we could and that all the right things were done. There was never any rancor about the care she required; I felt that she could have done more to stay physically fit. As a matter of fact that is the one thing that bothers me, her reluctance/refusal to do anything that would keep her fading muscles from atrophying all the way. There was scant little muscle tissue left in her arms and upper body, her legs were likewise getting weaker as time wore on. All because she took the easy road and did no exercises.
It’s easier for me to sit here, 30 years younger and say this. I have observed that people reach the age of about 85 when their physical deterioration accelerates. Much of this is caused by the built in requirement of bodily death at some point. Timir’s book refers to a logical maximum lifetime of 120 years according to some equation. There is a point beyond which the cells of the body can no longer replicate satisfactorily. It is my intention to keep some semblance of physical fitness as long as I live, even if I live more than 100 years.
As I reflect on mom’s condition, all of her bodily functions were fine; she had no mental, organic, or physical deficiencies other than her refusal to maintain muscular condition. She didn’t have enough strength in her arms and legs to prevent a fall when something or another upset her equilibrium and no amount of cajoling on my part could convince her. The physical therapist said that often older people get along just fine but they are only able to cope with the usual and ordinary; when something out of the ordinary happens, they can’t handle it, there’s no reserve. It’s a personal decision one makes incrementally, day by day. I must exercise because I see the necessity of it and I have the will power to do whatever.
That brings up something interesting. In my construct of the being, the different parts that make up the whole are inter-related and there is always a struggle for power going on in here among the personae. There are strong inclinations to experience euphoria, to get totally lost in the pleasure of an experience. There are personae whose desires to do so take precedence over any rational argument to the contrary. The addictions start out as experiences but then a persona is created with instinctive sources and these are so strong that the very safety and security of the being is sacrificed to satisfy the need. Yes, need because what starts out as a desire develops through the addition of instinctive sources, into a need. Tiger Woods seems to have fallen prey to a combination of adolescent physical and psychological pleasures experienced in finding women with whom to copulate long after adolescence. That this is an addiction for him cannot be said, but for many it is a psychological addiction as strong as that of any drug.
None of these is so strong that they cannot be controlled; at least that has been my experience. I smoked heavily until I was 45 years old; many others have similar smoking experiences while still others simply say, “I can’t quit.” I drank alcohol until I was 65 years old and quit before it got to be an addiction. The tobacco was an addiction for me but the alcohol never quite got to that stage. I’ve seen one or two alcoholics and I can objectively say that I am not. In both the tobacco and alcohol situations all that it took for this one was to “make up my mind” who was in charge. There is/are some persona/ae who have s.t. in mind for this lifetime and is/are stronger than those who would allow it to dissipate.
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